I lost a friend to suicide two months ago. It hurt and still does hurt so. badly.
The night she killed herself, I didn't get online.
The next morning I had two emails from her. The first asking where I was. The second saying she was going to kill herself..
I could have stopped her. But I failed to move.
I'm afraid of bearing this guilt alone. Afraid of being numb, because I know eventually pain will turn into a chilling lack of feeling...
I quit cutting nine months ago by the grace of God. I don't want to fall back into that, but I am so afraid...
I'm so tired of being the composed friend in my group when everyone else is crying at the loss of a friend. I don't know how to cry anymore. I'm falling apart even though everyone thinks I've got it together.
God I know you're there. But still this pain...
Why does nobody hear my screaming?
Lara, I miss you...

1 | Left by Grace | Nov. 20, 2010 at 5:15pm

It wasn't your fault she took her own life. If you would've gotten online, maybe you could have saved her, but it's not like you made her do it or wanted her to do it. You can't beat yourself up for it; it wasn't in your hands.
There's help out there now, so you don't have to turn back to cutting. God can't always tell us upfront what not and what to do, so He put others down here who can.
Don't give up, because there are other people who have been through what you're going through, and have overcome it.
You're being strong, so keep it going.

2 | Left by Angela | Nov. 20, 2010 at 9:02pm

BPD is what I have...I couldnt stop crying its amazing how much hope you bring

3 | Left by kayla | Nov. 21, 2010 at 9:58am

Grace, I don't know you but it's not your fault nor will it ever be your fault. Ever. Whatever you do don't go back to cutting. It's so hard to quit and i know it may feel like all you have right now but it's not. Things are going to be hard for awhile but sooner or later the will get better. Sooner or later you will learn to cry again and sooner or later you will find someone to comfort you. God is there. You may not feel him right now but you will.
Stay Strong Grace.

4 | Left by Lindsey | Nov. 21, 2010 at 3:48pm

Kk so I have this problem rite now. My friend is cutting herself and I told her she could call me whenever she needs to. But she said tht way if I'm not there to pick up I wan to do something before she kills herself. Help?

5 | Left by Maria | Nov. 21, 2010 at 4:49pm

GRACE- i know how awful you must be feeling. I really do. I lost my father to suicide a year ago and I literally left him at my house crying--I live with the fact everyday that if i would have stayed at my house he would not have done it.. I understand feeling like you could have done something different--its painful and confusing and frustrating and you wish you could just do it all over again. That feeling can consume you but you need to be strong--just as this blog says, we are empowered to move on from this, we can't change the past and there is no way you could have known. Stay strong, i also know how hard it is not to fall back into cutting because the pain is literally unbearable. I found that even though its hard, counseling helps and allow everyone around you in--allow them to help you, if they are willing, please be willing to take it. YOU aren't alone, the burden is a huge one to carry but you can do it, and something, anything, good will come of this eventually, let yourself live and let yourself feel again, its okay.

I hope you find all the peace in the world and please just remember you're not alone in feeling this way... I know everyone in the world tells you it will get easier and its the LAST thing you want to hear because i know for me personally i felt like i wasn't allowed to move on and i wasn't allowed to be happy again--the guilt was just too much to handle sometimes. You learn it's okay to BE okay. I wouldn't say the time makes it easier--but the time allows you to learn to be okay and learn to allow yourself to live again.

Peace be with you, keep moving forward, and just please.. allow yourself to heal :)

6 | Left by Anon | Nov. 21, 2010 at 8:25pm

Maria- I am having the same problem with my best friend of 5 years. Her father is dieing very slowly and has turned to cutting. It is painful on me, because I used to cut. I quite about 3 years ago, after I realized my father taking his life wasnt my fault. Now she has turned to it...I told her to call me no matter what anytime of day any day...she said the same what if I wasnt up to answer. I now have to keep my cell phone on full volume and viberate and under my pillow so if she does call I can answer.
Tell a trusted adult, I told my mom, she has helped me get thru it. you can also try to call the teen helpline. I did that too. We can get thru this. we have to help them get thru this

7 | Left by Kaitlin | Nov. 23, 2010 at 6:01pm

I have BPD and just about everyday is a struggle...
I have little friends because of it.
but TWLOHA has taught me that there is hope and that while i may think im alone im not.

8 | Left by AMC | Nov. 24, 2010 at 5:57pm

Kaitlyn- thank you(: I'm sso worried about her! She's changed sooo much !

9 | Left by Maria | Nov. 26, 2010 at 12:21pm

Sending love and prayers to you Grace. You are amazing, and beautiful. Blessings and peace to you.

10 | Left by Sarah | Nov. 26, 2010 at 4:04pm

Grace, I understand all too well.

My best friend in the entire world took his life two months ago. He was my first love, my first everything in fact. Of course, in the course of teenage love, we went our separate lives, but he was always there for me. We talked often and he was there to see my son, present at my wedding and there to always let me vent, rant and rave. He knew every piece of me, even the pieces I don't let anyone else see.

We hadn't spoken for a few months over the summer (due to a small fight we had and my deciding to focus on failing issue in my life, which did fail). We finally reconnected about a month before his death.

He told me about a week before it happened how he was writing letters to everyone. He was also a little emo and very sappy, sentimental, and I didn't think anything of it. I knew he was depressed in the past, but he seemed okay now. The day he took his life, he texted me saying my letter was finished. Signed and sealed. I heard from him a few hours later (I was away on a mini-vacation), saying he wished he could have gone with me. Now I wish I would have taken him. Or at least asked him why he was writing the letters. Or at least figured out why he was writing his letters.

A huge part of me feels so empty, hallow. He took such a huge piece of me with him, and everyday I wonder if I had just really slowed down, stopped and asked him how he WAS and really LISTENED, if maybe there could have been something else I could have said or done... something that could have stopped it. I hate that I didn't, and I hate that I wasn't there for him when he needed someone because he was ALWAYS there for me when I needed someone.

On a plus note (if there can be one), it really opened my eyes that I will never know how much longer I will have with anyone I love in my life. and I am making sure I tell everyone exactly how I feel.

Be strong, I think the best we can do is live our lives to the fullest... for both us and them.

11 | Left by H Cole | Nov. 26, 2010 at 7:48pm

Hi Grace,

stay strong girl - this is not your fault.

the story of Reese is an amazing tell of hope.

sending you all my thoughts x

12 | Left by Veeee | Nov. 27, 2010 at 12:54pm

There is one thing that never, ever dissapoints.
And that's hope.
Hold onto it forever.

13 | Left by Steph | Nov. 27, 2010 at 8:49pm

Grace,
Hold on! It was totally not your fault. I know it's really hard, but God's there, and he is the best person to turn to! He loves you more than you know, and he knows how you feel! Stay strong!

14 | Left by Rach | Dec. 1, 2010 at 4:31pm

My cousin attempted suicide. actually 3 of my cousins did, several years apart. it left our family devastated, although none of them succeeded, but we didn't know what to do. we sent them to a mental hospital, but they found that the hotline made them feel better than going to the shrink at the hospital, one actually said it was because he was ashamed to have to look in the doctors face when he was talking about how horrible he'd felt, and all the stuff he did. he felt better on the hotline because he knew that the person who started it, went through the same thing as him, and he felt they weren't judging him on the phone, or at least he couldn't tell...the hotline saved my family, we owe them so much.

15 | Left by jen | Dec. 4, 2010 at 4:41pm

Grace, Laura wouldn't want you to do this. i'm sure she never meant to put you through this. it's so hard, and i can't relate to you, but there are ways to feel better...stay strong

16 | Left by Anon | Dec. 4, 2010 at 4:43pm

I attempted suicide three weeks ago and spent a week in the hospital. No one should ever feel blame or guilt for someone else's life ending. If you loved and cared for them while they were alive then be grateful you brought some amount of happiness to their life. I'm now left to explain to my loving family and friends that it wasn't anyone's fault, including my own. I now have the burden of guilt that I've caused everyone I know a lot of pain and confusion. I'm just now finding out I'm bipolar and had been in a manic mode. The chemical imbalance in my brain skewed my view of life as a choice rather than a blessing or a gift.

Please don't ever burden yourselves with thinking you could've stopped a tragedy! I told a few people I planned to end my life, and even though they did their best to change my mind, I couldn't get over my thoughts of suicide.

For those left behind: Stay strong for the others that are left behind. You know how bad it hurts so try to not choose the same route.

For those thinking of leaving: Please wait before ending everything. Try getting a diagnosis with a professional. It's not your fault you feel this way, and even though you're hopeless, I think you can push yourself to try this one task for your friends and family.

17 | Left by Kelli | Dec. 5, 2010 at 6:28pm

I was abused by my dad, literally my whole life. I'm only 14 and a freshman in high school, and I had to deal with mental, emotional, and some physical abuse starting from when I was 2. Once I hit 10 years old, I started getting the desire to cut. Any time I saw a knife or something sharp for that matter, I wanted to pick it up and start cutting. But I never did.


January 27th, 2010, was the day my dad left. For months I had to deal with pain and anger, but I tried my best to hide it from my little sister, trying to be strong for her. And my mom. I cried to my boyfriend (now my ex) every night until June, and in September, I attempted to cut. I took my nails and started scratching into my skin. I didn't draw blood, but I can still kind of see the marks from where I tried. I would even pinch my skin any time I remembered what happened, or any time I got upset. Even over the summer I lost 9 pounds from barely eating, purposely and impurposely.


But, I'm getting better now. I'm eating more, I no longer get the desire to cut, nothing. TWLOHA is amazing, randomly I'll just take a sharpie and write "LOVE" on my left wrist. None of you are ever alone, there's hope. :)

I pray that God blesses each and every one of you this Christmas season.

18 | Left by Kelli | Dec. 7, 2010 at 7:37am

i feel like twloha doesn't help me at all sure they'll keep all the good comments complementing them..i just feel like expressing my self and telling the truth i don't believe twloha can help me at all .. Everyone has tried to help me but failed and u know who cares its not like it matters anyway..yes i believe in God ..him and my mom are the only two ppl i trust ..God and my mom have never left me even with what i am going through now..u know God spoke to me in my dream and told me he will always be here for me and loves me.. u people don't understand this unless u go through it twloha..its not easy u can't help the thoughts that come in ur head telling u to cut yourself u become a whole different person..so don't freakin tell me u believe in me or understand me or love me u ppl know nothing about what i'm going through all u care about is being known.. Every person that would come in the hospital to visit their family..they'd look at each and every one of us like we were insane and look at us with pity..people out here are all for themselves no one gives a crap..lets hope this doesn't get deleted if it does who cares i made my freakin point!

19 | Left by anon | Dec. 21, 2010 at 10:56am

one of my mothers commited suicide 10/24/10. instead of being home that weekend with my family i went to my bestfriends house i could have stopped my mother if i would have been there i know i could have. im 14 i could have stopped my mother, its all my fault she txted right before she did it "i will always love you princess. remember that. ill think of you everyday." i didnt reply its all my fault. i miss her so much im scared. my brother had just gotten out of this special hospital because he attempted to commite suicide and my other mom is going crazy she keep talking about how she wants to go up there with her love. im scared all my family is going to leave by there choice. all of us are thinking this is the only way, to leave earth and be with her. "its all my fault" thats what goes through my head all day. and its because its true i know it is. shes gone and ill never be with her agian. i love you mother forever and ever. someday ill be with you. we miss you... christmas eve was 2 months it was really hard witohut you..

20 | Left by alaunah | Dec. 27, 2010 at 11:15pm

Anyway, Ed Hardy Clothing I'm now tiresome the mood, exit the garment behind? I can't evoke when I last wore a scarf.

21 | Left by ed hardy | Jan. 10, 2011 at 6:32pm

This site is amazing ! My friend showed me and now I'm hocked !! I did a few things I'm not proud of but this site incourges you to stop :)
God bless everyone !!
xx

22 | Left by Dara | Jan. 19, 2011 at 6:36am

Just because someone attempts suicide does NOT mean they are a coward! They're broken, and feel as though they can't handle the pain anymore. If someone were holding a burning hot metal rod to your arm you would desperately want it to stop, that's how someone who is suicidal feels about their whole life. Being suicidal is not being cowardly, it's being hopeless and feeling alone. It may not be the right choice, but it isn't cowardly. When someone is suicidal it take more courage than anyone to go through everyday and try to be strong. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but you should CARE for people who are suicidal and try to give them hope and love rather than call them cowards. Insults won't help at all.

23 | Left by Anon | Jul. 6, 2011 at 1:45pm

hhow do you tell someone?

24 | Left by Rose | Jul. 8, 2011 at 2:42pm