To Write Love On Her Arms
Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just
outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in
the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music
is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't
see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I
lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what
she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look
up. Tell them to remember the stars."
I
would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve,
and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but
songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is
darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to
midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save
her.
Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is
fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't
for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol.
She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask
Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says
she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too
great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave
without her.
She has known such great pain;
haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil
ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled
depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms
remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted
wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups
of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The
sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a
razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts
herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her
left forearm.
The nurse at the treatment center
finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox,
names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five
days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the
possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is
unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her
church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet
her needs, to write love on her arms.
She is full
of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known,
like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude
and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story,
she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a
hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her
life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words,
and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the
room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding
her.
I've never walked this road, but I decide
that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be
the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start
with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too
many cigarettes
Thursday night she is in the
balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous,
a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I
point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London
just to catch this show.
She is in good
seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a
lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for
more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Traveling
Mercies.
On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos
tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open
and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her
favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling
constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain
collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly
hope.
Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to
pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are
strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to
bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're
talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone.
One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an
acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired.
After church our house fills with friends, there
for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her,
some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells
me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering
what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage
and her stuff.
She hands me her
last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her
last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever
since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't
have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this
moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great
feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when
we trade death for life.
As we arrive
at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but
we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell
them to remember hope. We have hope."
I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege.
When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the
language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged
and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our
hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands
against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so
greatly.
We often ask God to show up. We
pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to
be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we
come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in
love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this
week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her
like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her
coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for
the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies.
Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of
freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these
things are true.
We are only asked to
love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all
the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all
mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life,
but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken
places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called
home.
I have learned so much in one
week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety
of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God
makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would
ask you to remember.























