To Write Love on Her Arms

i thought it was about basketball but it was more about people.

Apr. 5, 2010 at 3:48pm

One of the great privileges of the last couple years has been spending more and more time on college campuses. Doors keep opening and invitations keep coming and we love to go, to lead a conversation that we believe in, to talk about things that don't normally get talked about - this problem of pain that perhaps we can all relate to.

To be honest, i'd never heard of Butler University and had to Google it to find out where it was. (Turns out it's in Indianapolis and has been since 1855) We were supposed to be there back in February, but the snow came blowing through and so we had to reschedule. Our Feb 10 date was traded for March 31 and in the days between, the Spring replaced the snow. There were also some basketball games, and the underdog Butler Bulldogs became the smallest school since 1985 to make it to the Final Four (and the fourth-smallest ever).

We arrived last week to all of that, to students laying on green grass and pushing frisbees under easy sunshine and to all the hope and wonder of a Cinderella story. Our gang was myself, Denny Kolsch, Aaron Moore and Ryan O'Neal from Sleeping at Last. None of us had ever been to Butler and we didn't know anyone who was attending or had previously attended Butler. In short, we had no connection to these people or this place except for this surprising moment.

And yet, we were swept up in the whole thing. We watched the scenes outside like a good movie unfolding, we texted friends to say "We're at Butler." We wondered if there might be time to buy Butler Final Four shirts. As we made our way downstairs to start the event, i wondered why exactly we were smiling. Officially, none of this had anything to do with us and yet we couldn't stop smiling.

i wondered about association - was it just that we felt close to something special? That idea felt true and yet i wondered if there might be more...

i've learned this year, after my first winter in New York, that Spring only makes sense because of Winter. You notice the warm sun on your face because it hasn't been there. The Spring means more in the North because Winter is a very real thing here.

And then perhaps it's true that we are wired to root for the underdog, to cheer the unlikely ending, the win where loss is likely. Those words would certainly apply to Butler's Mens basketball team. They will play in the Championship game tonight, once again the underdog, up against the storied Blue Devils of Duke.

Our night at Butler stayed with me. And so i started thinking it was less about the weather and less about basketball. Perhaps the heart of the matter, the magic of the moment, perhaps it was people. People sharing in the wonder of it all, suddenly so much to smile about, reason to celebrate. And for them, these folks we shared our night with, it was not some random story moving in some random place - this was them and theirs. This was home - Butler's blue now a color in their story and the mascot bulldog something like a friend. And suddenly, a whole nation tuning in, saying that it mattered, saying that this story had signifigance. And because Butler was also them, then perhaps they mattered, this story theirs as well.

And perhaps the most amazing thing of all was that they were in it all together. Making signs and painting faces, shouting together at televisions and laying in the Spring. Together. Because none of it would have been the same alone. There is a joy that comes with sharing. It's true when you're small and it's true in college and it's true when you're old. And it's true with losing just as much as winning.

Our event began with a few words from a student named Brandon, a kind and capable guy who helped organize our being there. Brandon offered a sobering introduction. We were there, everyone in that room and in the glory of the moment, one year to the day since a Butler student named John Burton took his own life.

And so the night took on a different sort of weight, the lightness of the season and the games crashing into the heaviness of an absence caused by pain. Ryan sang the words "You were meant for amazing things" and i wondered if that was really all we're there to say. We go in hopes that people stay alive and fight to live that they might arrive at a day where those words feel possible and true. We live a thousand different stories and all our different seasons and who can say when Winter or victory or Spring. Perhaps all we can do is go together, win and lose together, because both are better that way, because we deserve a people and a place and a color and a team.

Posted in General, Journal by jamie tworkowski

Comments (21)

I love that analogy, thank you for it Jamie...
Spring only makes sense because of winter.
Maybe happiness only makes sense because of pain...
We're in this together guys, we'll be ok eventually. Maybe we aren't having the greatest season. But look at butler, even the underdog wins at some point.
Stay strong everyone. *hugs*

1 | Left by Em | Apr. 5, 2010 at 1:11pm

Thanks a billion. I love reading these kinds of things. It makes me feel a whole lot better. And it probably is true, what you said, about happiness making sense because of pain.

2 | Left by Theh0pe | Apr. 5, 2010 at 1:20pm

thanks for sharing this Jamie. My wife and I are in the middle of walking through a serious winter as we experienced the loss of our first child through a late miscarriage.

and its all happening as we walked into good friday.

somehow I keep trusting that Friday leads to Sunday.

Death to Life. Sorrow to Joy. Winter to Spring.

It's stories like this that remind us of that. Thanks for doing what you guys do. Don't ever forget that it's worth it. Here's to holding onto the hope of life.

3 | Left by ben | Apr. 5, 2010 at 1:31pm

I would love to have TWLOHA come to my school. I'm from a little school in New Hampshire with a total of 400 kids, middle and high school. I don't know anyone who doesn't drink, cut, or do drugs in our school including myself. Milton has a sad story to tell. To Write Love On Her Arms empowers teens such as myself to embrace in something bigger than ourselves. To know that our story matters, no matter how big or small it may be.

4 | Left by Cassadee | Apr. 5, 2010 at 3:00pm

I love that you are so right without winter "hard times" there is no meaning to spring "better days"

5 | Left by Joe webb | Apr. 5, 2010 at 4:36pm

I am from Maryland and go to school in Ohio and I definitely understand the appreciation the North has for the spring. The feeling of having the sun grace your face after a cold dark winter is liberating. Thank you for experiencing the beauty of that moment and taking the time to share it with others. Everyone is beautiful and deserves to enjoy to the graces that God gives everyday. Thank you Jamie. I am proud to wear your colors.

6 | Left by Mary S | Apr. 5, 2010 at 6:46pm

Thank you guys for everything you do. Your words are so beautiful and you make so many people believe that everything is possible. Don't stop talking.

7 | Left by Anon | Apr. 5, 2010 at 6:51pm

No matter what, I can't get through any of your blog entries without tearing up or flat out bawling. What you do is so beautiful.

Thank you.

8 | Left by Anon | Apr. 5, 2010 at 8:12pm

The night at Butler University that you spoke to us was a night that I will never forget! I am so glad that you came and opened the doors of TWLOHA to so many students who didn't know about or who just didn't want to acknowledge the reality of pain and depression and suicide. Our Butler Bulldogs lost last night, but you are right, it's all about our stories. Our little campus as a whole is so much more connected after these past few weeks, and that can only lead to more conversation and more support. I can't wait to see what the future holds for our school!

9 | Left by Amber S | Apr. 6, 2010 at 6:52am

i hope you had a nice time in Indy and yes spring is always better when there is a cold winter! Beauty comes from the ugly!

10 | Left by Paige | Apr. 6, 2010 at 1:32pm

Spring only makes sense because of Winter. This is beautiful. Maybe hope only makes sense because of pain. You guys are all so beautiful.

11 | Left by Kendra | Apr. 7, 2010 at 4:17pm

I am so incredibly glad that the TWLOHA team has been making trips to universities! When you and Ryan O'Neal came to Christopher Newport University a few days ago, I was blown away by the words you both used and how you were able to connect so well with all of us. Spring is definitely a season of joy and it's a relief to finally be able to see life growing so rapidly and beautifully. Everything you do with this organization makes a difference!

12 | Left by Ellen A. | Apr. 11, 2010 at 11:08am

thank you so much for your blogs. i have a mother that tried to commit suicide, and caused my depression. whenever things look bleak i check twloha to search for hope.
which i always find. i hope my summer will turn up again soon.

13 | Left by Allannah | Apr. 12, 2010 at 2:15pm

Thank you for your blog. For some reason I had to cry when I read your text, it touched me so much.
I'm so grateful for an organization like TWLOHA, you really make a difference. Keep on going - I'm promoting TWLOHA any way I can. It's so important.

I have battled severe depression (due to PTSD) and self-harming for years, and had several suicide attempts. Wouldn't it been for some very very good friends, who kept on reaching out for me - even against my reluctance to accept help at that time - I certainly would not walk this earth anymore. After years of therapy, I'm basically fine now - and try to help others.

There are some people in this dark valley called depression who don't have such amazing, aware friends to whom they can turn. This is why your work is so so important. With your work they will get help. And maybe they'll stop feeling shame about their condition, and seek help.

Thank you TWLOHA! Thanks a lot.

14 | Left by Allacaya | Apr. 14, 2010 at 3:32am

Your words are beautifully and perfectly written. Thank you for this.

15 | Left by Shaun | Apr. 19, 2010 at 7:03pm

I would love to have all you guys come to my school, I don't think that i know maybe more then one or two people that don't cutt, Drink, Smoke, do Drugs and all that other good stuff, Its not really all that good its bad. We have a total of mayber 300 kids middle and high school. To Write Love On Her Arms is empowering and it helps kids like me and any one else who needs help to embrace in something bigger than ourselves. To know that our story matters, no matter how big or small it may be. Big or little it matters it matters more then any one could just say that it does, Thank you for all the blogs you guys do it really helps and sends the message that there is love and hope and life out there all you have to do is look into To Write Love On Her Arms and you will see that all they wanna do is help, That is you don't have friends you can always go to Twloha for help and seeking advidce, being depressed is not fun and when you don't have a friend to turn to like i did befor i found out about Twloha i was cutting an drinking because i thought that life did not matter any more that no one cares but really all you have to do is look on the brighter side of things and look at life from you eyes and not your mind you wanna see the good in life not the bad you wanna hear all the good things god and people have to say not the bad but some times there is going to be a little bad but the best thing to do is get back up wipe the tears away and know your going to be okay,

16 | Left by Butterfly | Apr. 20, 2010 at 8:19am

This is my story,
Life after my mom died was bad i started to Drink -N- Cutting, It made my life a living hell. A good friend of mine told me that "Don't think of it as losing a mom but more as gaining a Gardian angel" After i hurd that i thought wow he is so right, But for the last week i found out my mom is still wit me because i been getting into car accidents and trubel and some of these time i have been really lucky because i should have got hurt worse then i was and i would look up and say i love you mom and my hole body got this feeling like if my mom was still her she would say i dont need to to that to myself its not worth it and i would look at her and tell her she is right so to this day it was my mom that gave me the strengh to stop and live my life to the fulles and live it the right way, She might not have been here but to me she is here with me reeading every last word i am sayin to you guys! So i dont wanna give all my mom credit because you guys helped out alot to and it means a lot thank you so much
yours truly
butterfly

17 | Left by deleted | Apr. 20, 2010 at 8:32am

Love is Blind.
You don't see it,
You don't hear wat people are sayin, or wat you are saying,
You don't see wat you are doing. All you see is the person in from of you! That's it,
I found strengh in what hurt me, In my family- Thats my strengh as well. I'm truly greatful to be hurt as many, times as i have because i'm happy,
I don't like the hole off an on thing, I don't like takeing a break eaither youre with me or your not,
but the one thing is i try to think of my scares as battle wonunds, marks of where i've been an how i was able to come out.
thank you To Write Love On Her Arm's

18 | Left by deleted | Apr. 20, 2010 at 8:38am

I am a 16 year old boy in a little hick town in the center of Wyoming. I sit here crying and listening to Skillet. I suffer from depression and self inflicted pain. I guess this is my way of reaching out to someone. I have heard all about your guys orginization and what a change it has made in so many peoples lives. I hope one of those people could soon be me. I don't know what else to do and fear that I may soon turn to suicide. I think that if it weren't for my church I wouldn't be here. I can't stand being in my house because nobody understands what I'm going through. They all think I'm making it up and they tell me it's just a phase and I'll get over it. They have no idea how much it hurts me when they say that. I just want to feel happy again. Well any feeling would be nice really. I have gone numb from all of this and I don't feel much anymore. I kind of rambbled on, sorry, this is my way of venting. I'm not trying to make anybody feel sorry for me, I just want someone to help me.....

19 | Left by Zane Rusk | May. 4, 2010 at 9:35pm

I have suffered depression as well. My father drank and constantly battered my mother - not physically, but with words. I felt like running away, or worse. I turned to God because I knew that He was above all the bickering and the accusations and the lack of love or understanding for me. I read the Bible and I prayed. He heard me. I know He can help you, too, if you'll give Him a try. I discovered that He is the Father I never had. He always understood me - perfectly. Knowing of the Fatherhood of God is my greatest and most wonderful possession. He became my Father when I received His Son, Jesus Christ.

20 | Left by Agape | Jun. 2, 2010 at 9:07pm

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21 | Left by ed hardy | Jan. 7, 2011 at 5:24pm

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