This is beautiful, Nicole. I can't even begin to imagine how it was for you. While I was the depressed one, the one who contemplated suicide every day, I know how different it is when it's someone else, someone you care about.

Somehow, it hurts in a completely different way. Somehow, it hurts more.

My thoughts and prayers are with you on this day and on that tragic day.

Peace and love.

1 | Left by Lauren | Nov. 21, 2009 at 11:45am

This is amazing. You will recover from this but not forget. He will always be in your heart and soul. Love is something that never leaves.

But think of him in good ways. The good things you did together. You were in love and that's what you need to remember.

Just have hope.

With love.

2 | Left by Ella | Nov. 21, 2009 at 11:58am

Wow.. you are so strong nicole, i don't even want to imagine that happening to me. you are very strong nicole. good luck with your talent, you've certainly got one. time heals all.

3 | Left by kayla | Nov. 21, 2009 at 12:05pm

Wow. This was inspiring. I lost my mom and used to drink to fall asleep as well. I take back what I said, I did not lose her, she went to a better place where her pain was replaced with happiness. A place where she could dance with the angels. It hurts losing someone that means so much to you, but it helps you to grow in ways you never imagined. I still think about her daily and cry for her. Nothing will ever be the same. And as I approach the anniversary of her death (less than one month), I wonder if this year will be filled with drinking to forget... or filled with family, laughing, and remembering. Each day is a battle, and sometimes it gets harder with time. I won't have my mom with me to pick out my wedding dress or tell me I'm making the wrong choice. But again, this has helped me grow in ways I never imagined. To top it off, my dad got remarried and had another son, a brother, a blessing, someone I would have never had in my life. He has changed me in unbelievable ways. Good things always come out of tragedy. Thank you for sharing your story. It made me think and have hope again.

4 | Left by Susana | Nov. 21, 2009 at 12:23pm

This is beautiful, it made me cry, but your words are so hopeful.

5 | Left by Anon | Nov. 21, 2009 at 12:28pm

Thank you Nicole for having the strength to share your most vulnerable moments with us. Your story is inspiring even if you have not lost someone to suicide, but just lost a love. The experience of emotions is quite the same. By reading this you have touched my heart and I am thankful to you for sharing your story with us.

6 | Left by Ashley | Nov. 21, 2009 at 1:01pm

this is so beautiful... you are so strong!!

I am just so touched... I do not even know what to write exactly... this is inspiring.

thank you.

7 | Left by dharma | Nov. 21, 2009 at 1:50pm

im so proud of you for doing this. this made me cry & think about alot. this will help me get through the tough times. thank you.

8 | Left by none | Nov. 21, 2009 at 2:05pm

what you have written here is such an inspiration and i know that you have helped so many people with just this one piece, and you will continue to inspire and help others with your creative spirit. your story does matter and it is hugely inspiring. thank you.

9 | Left by s | Nov. 21, 2009 at 2:48pm

I am crying as I type this. In April I will experience the horror of my closests friends suicide again. Somedays it is hard to believe almost 2 years have past. The wounds just keep reopening. He helped me through so much. He talked me out of so many things. The last conversation I ever had with him still burns so clearly in my mind. Our stories are so intwined. I don't know how to move on from this. But I want to. I wish I had hope like you.
I'll probably spend April 29th listening to Anberlin, because that was his favorite band.
I hope you know how much you are loved and missed. RIP Justin.

10 | Left by Shelby | Nov. 21, 2009 at 3:33pm

Thank you so much, Nicole, for sharing your story. I don't know where I would be without the words of survivors, the stories of how it is possible to move on and become human again.

I hope you don't mind if I stop by the jetty; maybe the faith that he has brought you will somehow be contagious.

11 | Left by Amber | Nov. 21, 2009 at 5:21pm

Thankyou for sharing this....it was amazing. :]

12 | Left by Katie | Nov. 21, 2009 at 7:12pm

Nicole, I am very thankful that you had the strenght to share this. I will be thinking of you and all of Zeke's friends and family throughout the holidays and this January. I know this cannot be easy at all for you, but I am so very proud of you for having the strenght and determination to carry on. You are an inspiration yourself, and I would love to see your art work.

Thank you so much for your story.

13 | Left by Emily | Nov. 21, 2009 at 8:54pm

This has awakened me.

There are more chapters to be written here.

Thank you.

14 | Left by Katherine | Nov. 21, 2009 at 9:50pm

That was inspiring and beautiful, Nicole.

I was at the TWLOHA conference in Norfolk last Thursday and got to see you :)

God bless.

15 | Left by Rebecca | Nov. 21, 2009 at 11:40pm

This is a beautiful story.
I can relate to the break down part, but im not gonna go on ranting about that.

Keep designing Nicole.
He loves you.

16 | Left by Sydney | Nov. 22, 2009 at 6:56am

You are such a strong and amazing person and I am so lucky to have you as a sister! I'm sure times will be tough, but I will always be there to support you! I love you!

17 | Left by Katy | Nov. 22, 2009 at 9:20am

wow, nicole you are such an inspiration to me. you have so much strength to make it through something like this. <3

18 | Left by Nicole | Nov. 22, 2009 at 9:37am

Nicole,

Your words are beautiful. Thank you for having the courage to share your story, and Zeke's. I know it takes time to learn how to be you again, as you alluded to in this. It's hard to live with the questions that seem to repeat over and over again.

It's something small, but one thing that really popped out at me was toward the end when you mentioned bringing him a sunflower. I lost a classmate to suicide last fall and I also bring him sunflowers, so I thought that was neat.

Thank you again.

With hope and love,

Colleen

19 | Left by colleen | Nov. 22, 2009 at 1:21pm

I am so proud of your writing!!I am so glad I read that.This may be a direction for you to help others!!Take care....

20 | Left by Dianne | Nov. 22, 2009 at 3:22pm

I cried as I read this. I hurt for you right now. Sometimes when a suicide happens, I wonder and worry for the loved ones in my life, wondering if they would ever try something like that. The thought brings me to tears. There is so much hurt, pain, confusion, brokenness, and loneliness in the world. But we have to remember the joy and the beauty as well. I also enjoy painting, I hope you keep creating :) It brings such joy and peace to me. Sometimes when the world seems to be so messed up and depressing, God just brings me little things that bring me joy, whether through nature, people in my life, or just a comforting memory. I hope that joy is finding you again. I pray for you now, that God would wrap you in His arms, showing you His awesome love, reassuring you, and filling you with the joy, truth, and peace that comes with knowing Him. You seem to be so strong. I sometimes break down just seeing and hearing about hurt all over the world and worrying about people I know. I have experienced nothing compared to your burden. Stay strong. Remember Zeke. You can't try to forget, but remember the good times and remember your love for him and his love for you, remember how it felt for him to hold you, and laughing together. But let these memories bring you joy, not loneliness. And remember the people that you can lean on and the God whose loving kindness for you is never ending.

21 | Left by Anon | Nov. 22, 2009 at 3:47pm

This is beautiful Nicole. I myself have been on both sides of suicide. i've been both the one whoses wanted to commit it, and i've had friends die from it and also attempt to commit it while on the phone with me. What you've been through is awful, and i can tell by your words that you're strong and youll get through it. I don't believe suicide is a selfish act either, i think its an act of such desperation, when you're planning on commiting suicide you're really not thinking about others, you just can't in that state. Stay strong Nicole!

22 | Left by Brittany | Nov. 22, 2009 at 6:31pm

Nicole, I have NEVER been more proud of you than I am after reading your blog. I love the fact that once again you can see the light and move forward in your young and inspiring life. Make the most of what you have and what you have learned from. You know tommy and i will always be there for you and toast your success with our "glasses of wine". Be safe and remain strong. We love you.

23 | Left by donna | Nov. 23, 2009 at 8:45am

Nicole-
I am so proud of you. It takes so much to come to those kind of realizations, and that in-between part is what hurts the most. Now that you've found your closure in art (which is what I have as well), I can't tell you how beautiful of a person you are.
I don't even know you, but I love you.

With all of my love,
Harper.

24 | Left by Harper | Nov. 23, 2009 at 10:48am

what you said in this blog opened my eyes. it helped me realize that a passing of a loved one is not about us. we have to be selfless in that time. we have to remember them and continue to love them even through our anger and pain.


thank you

25 | Left by courtney | Nov. 23, 2009 at 10:55am

i disagree that suicide is selfish. i believe that the ones left behind might be considered selfish, for thinking it is all about what we are left we. i has a friend kill him self my 10th grade year, and for a very long time my out look was " why did he leave us here". things are so much different now. now i know his life was hell. we all had to realize we may be hurt or feel like our world is going to not go on because of this, then i think how did mike feel while he was still here.

thank you so very much i needed this.

26 | Left by ash | Nov. 23, 2009 at 10:56am

Nicole, I am so proud of you. I have watched you over the last few years struggling with how to be you again. When you came to visit, I saw you opening up, just that little bit. I knew that the you I always knew and loved was learning how to recover, not forget. Zeke was very special to every one who knew him. Though I only met him those few times, he definitely touched me, because he made you happy. That is all I could possibly want for you. I truly hope that your experience has changed your life for the better. I have missed you. I pray that he will inspire you every day.

27 | Left by Stephanie | Nov. 23, 2009 at 2:34pm

That was really beautifully written. I applaud you on continuing with your dreams, fueled by his memory. Good for you, I hope you succeed in all you do.

28 | Left by Hollie | Nov. 23, 2009 at 4:41pm

this was beautiful and inspiring. i can't even imagine handling this situation with your grace. i'm glad you are moving on but not forgetting.. and i hope all sorts of wonderful things happen in your life.

29 | Left by maya | Nov. 23, 2009 at 6:02pm

I think its often the case to feel like the person we've lost, left nothing but a hole in us. But knowing it will get better one day brings a great sense of comfort. Thank you for writing this, and for sharing your story. You are a very brace girl Nicole. Keep moving forward. :)

30 | Left by Chris | Nov. 23, 2009 at 8:48pm

how did u think of this story and how is it true u can b better than that

31 | Left by kristina | Nov. 25, 2009 at 5:51pm

it is hard to lose somebody 2

32 | Left by kristina | Nov. 25, 2009 at 5:52pm

Dear Nicole, it seems that you are feeling the warmth of the sun on your cheeks once again. It's been a long hard road that you have traveled. Alleluia for the ending of that journey. I would like to share some words with you and anyone else who may find comfort with them for they have comforted me . . The chief thing I have learned about profound loss is that the myth of getting over it is just that - a myth. We don't get over it - ever. We surrender to it. We let it dismantle us. We learn to sit quietly with our sadness. To breathe it in and breathe it out. We let it change us, because we know that acute grief must change us. Bit by bit, we are reconstructed into our new life. Our new life can be filled with meaning, hope and creativity. Indeed, some of the creativity actually flows from the empty places grief leaves behind. But we're never over it. That's ridiculous. When grief is healthy, it's more that we learn to move on with it. It's part of us now. Forever.

33 | Left by Michelle | Nov. 26, 2009 at 11:03am

Ok. So how do keep myself from doing this to my family? That's what this site is about, right? Because I KNOW that once my youngest daughter is grown and I'm sure she's ok...that's when I will finally do what I've been wanting to for so long. I've thought of my end for more than twenty years...and have deeply longed for it for more than ten. I've seen the doctors, I've taken the meds. But I still feel more sure everyday that the only way out is by forcing my end. So answer this: If happiness, sadness, love, grief, and hope are all normal...isn't my despair, detachment, and disinterest in life normal? And shouldn't I be allowed to act on them the same as any other person? Not everyone can have the "positive" side of life. What if the "negative" is just who I am? Don't I have the right to end it, just as much as a so-called "normal" person has a right to live their life to the fullest? By biggest wish is simply to cease to exist. Why is that so bad?

34 | Left by Theresa | Nov. 26, 2009 at 10:26pm

Doesn't anyone have the answer??? So much talk about recovering from a loved one's suicide. But what about that desperate person trying to recover from NOT going thru with it? What are we - what am I - supposed to do now that I've forced myself to go on living? Please don't tell me to turn to God, that's part of what got me here. A multitude of doctors couldn't help; and their drugs did even less. So please tell me. How do fix this? How do I go on now that I'm STILL here?

35 | Left by Theresa | Nov. 26, 2009 at 11:07pm

Nicole, your bravery makes me proud. Proud to be a human. There isn't much more to say, but keep being strong yeah. I'm sure he is infinity proud of you too.

To everyone still hurting. This is what this site is about. Helping you on your journey towards recovery. None of us can take the pain away from others, and that is sometimes the worst thing. One of my closest friends has been where you are now, and I would have given absolutely anything to take that pain away from her. Thankfully, now she's in recovery, and I will never ever take that for granted. Everytime I see her, I think about how lucky I am to know her, to still have her as one of my closest friends, as a sister. I think of everything she would have missed, and it hurts to think of others that are going through this.

It's about hope. As TWLOHA says, the vision is hope, and hope is real. You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.
Believe in yourself. Believe in others, and their want/need to help. Trust me, if they know, they will want nothing more. Let them in, and let them teach you what love is, and what it's for. Get it out there, don't be ashamed of it, and get the support you need.

Nicole, your story is beautiful, really, it is. I hope you find every happiness throughout life. This story breaks my heart, but you also shine through the clouds. You give me hope, and that is the best thing.

36 | Left by Anon | Nov. 29, 2009 at 4:12pm

Nicole,

You are such a strong person. I lost my best friend January 19th, and I too wondered how to cope. Your thoughts help so much. There is hope for all of us and all we can do is try to remember the people we've lost for the beautiful people they were, and remember to always love. More importantly to let ourselves be loved again.
We can never forget, but the hurt can fade once you let it. You always miss them, always think about them every day. But you can live your life too, and live for them as well as for yourself.

You are such an inspiration to everyone...Thank you.

Love you x

37 | Left by Anon | Nov. 30, 2009 at 5:03pm

Wow.. You are a very brave person. I have gone through something similar.. I don't think I've made it out yet.. But you! You made it! You are what gives me hope. You are a miricle to me.
All my love and hope for your future,

-Raine

38 | Left by Raine | Dec. 1, 2009 at 10:30am

I feel and hear the pain in your words. I also hear the hope. Stay strong, my love.

39 | Left by Anon | Dec. 1, 2009 at 6:04pm

It amazes me what kind of change is possible just by someone saying, out loud, "There is hope". Don't forget that.

40 | Left by Katy | Dec. 3, 2009 at 1:01am

I just recently lost my dad to suicide, it was only about a month ago. Im so lost, full of questions and literally just dont feel like i can get through it. This blog gives hope, that there is something to look forward too, that sometime in the future it wont AS MUCH of a painful memory but it will be easier to draw strength and remember the good times we shared. I sympathize with you, i really do. Its the most painful thing anyone could put us through, but like you said, it really wasnt about us at all. i kept replaying the last time i saw him over and over and i felt like i should have known, done more, said more. but i cant now and there probably wasnt anything i could have done, its just hard not to make it about yourself sometimes. keep pushing through and thanks for being so honest

41 | Left by Anon | Dec. 3, 2009 at 12:39pm

Theresa, hello.

My name is John. You asked the following questions: does anybody have an answer? what are we? What am I? What am I supposed to do? I will try to answer the questions as best as I can for you.

We are human beings; every one of us was forced to be born, forced to live, and forced to die. You are a person just like all other people, who was forced to be born and experience a human life, forced to exist with no choice in the matter; and then you will be forced to leave. The question is "why?". The question is, how did I become who I am today? We believe in the beginning that we have control of who we are, but we do not. If we have no control of our birth, how can we possibly have any control of anything else? Did you have control of your gender, your time and placement, who your parents would be, your likes and dislikes, your siblings? Did your parents have any control of their birth into existence? You think that you have control over your death, but what is death? If a person extinguishes him self, what has he removed? What has he killed? We have a conscience, an awareness that we exist, an internal likeness, a perception of our self. Where does that come from? We have a body that we can feel, see, and touch. And the body carries around the conscience, the self-awareness, the perception of our existence. If we kill the body, what happens to the conscience, our self awareness?

Do you see Theresa? The consciousness that we carry in the body was forced to be born in this body, which means that the consciousness remains forever, and the body is temporary. The body can be destroyed, but the conscience, our self, our perception, our existence cannot be destroyed. How can something that did not create itself be destroyed by itself? If you are miserable in the body, you will be miserable outside of the body, because the body is nothing but a shell that carries you inside of it.
How do we survive?
How do we find happiness? It is done through acknowledgment. We acknowledge that we have no choice but to exist. We acknowledge that we have very little control in the realm of existence. Existence exists with or without us, and it will let us die If we do not accept that we have to exist. Peace is acquired through submission, letting go of the control that you think you have, accepting your life as it is, letting go of the things that you want and cannot have, letting go of the pains and hurts, disappointments and discouragements.
If everyone is forced to be born and exist, then, it also must be true that everyone has a purpose, a reason for being. What is the reason? The reason is the journey of discovery, the search for the reason, the reason for life, the reason for existence. So, what is that we are supposed to discover? You said "please don't tell me to go to God". Silly girl; you are God, you just do not know that. Every one is God, but they do not know that. What other reason for existing is there? Think of it as nature, such as trees and grass, plants and forests, mountains and deserts. The wind, rain, hail, typhoons, hurricanes,and earthquakes; they all attack nature. But nature remains; it restores itself; it is rejuvenated, rebuilt and becomes beautiful again. And nature did not create itself; the storms and earthquakes did not create themselves, yet they all exist in a cycle life, which is nothing more than a process created from The Source.
We are members, participants, you might even say a slave in an existence that we have no control over. And the only way to survive is to submit to it, become a willing participant, become one with it in unity, unity with nature, The Source, a God, or our self. Resistance to the inevitable is futile. Death, suicide, giving up accomplishes nothing except prolonging the inevitable.

The truth is, Theresa, that you can choose to do whatever you want, kill yourself, or live. But the reality is that you will live either in the body or outside of the body and that someday you will submit, it is just a matter of time.
Please ask yourself "how does he know this?" I know this because, my dear friend, I was you, and I asked the very same questions. I found the answers through a process of cleaning up my life, removing all of the negatives, and replacing the negatives with positives. It took time, and it was painful, and at times I felt like giving up. But I kept reminding myself of the one reality that could not be denied, and that was that I did not create myself, so how could I eliminate myself?
Look into your life and everything that makes you who you are. Take steps to remove the things that you do not like about yourself, one by one. And as time goes by, healing will take place and everything will make sense, and the thoughts of suicide will disappear forever and will never be thought of again. Then, one day, you will write a letter just like this to someone who does not understand.

Your friend, love John

42 | Left by john | Dec. 3, 2009 at 1:22pm

Oh Dearest John,
The fact that you have reached out to me and my questions is a help far beyond what you realize. And while I am grateful, and even hopeful, that someone has responded; I retain the desire to simply cease to exist. I recently saw my family doctor and she has changed my medication yet again. And with this change I do, honestly, hope that I will find that "something" that will make a difference. I have even resolved to begin a major life change beginning this weekend that will benefit my physical health, and in turn, hopefully my mental health. As bad as my previous posts sounded, I do not want to die! But I also do not want to continue in the misery that persists inside my head. I feel I am beyond desperation, though. My youngest child is 13, and every year she gets older I can only think I am one year closer to sweet relief (for I could never devestate her like that at such a young and fragile age).
Your theory about how how I could not destroy myself because I did not create myself....well it simply does not bear any reasoning to me. The sad fact is, I DON'T have an abundance of negativity in my life. I have a wonderful husband and child. However, I also have a medical, clinical condition that does not allow my brain to alter from it's chronic status of depression and hopelessness. At this point I'm even considering shock treatment to my brain; I'm that desperate.
What I can say is that being able to communicate with someone like you, and others on this site, I feel less of the desperation and hopelessness. Family is wonderful, but they generally are unable to see things outside their own point of view. And I have alienated any friends I used to hve.
Will you please continue to talk to me? If you're wiling, I would be most grateful to give you my email address. And since this is a public site, I would post it online if only I could get others to talk to me.
If not, I understand your hesitation. But remain grateful of your kind thoughts and sincere response.
I will remain ever hopeful,
Theresa

43 | Left by Theresa | Dec. 4, 2009 at 11:55pm

That was so moving and inspiring. It makes my heart ache to think of what you've lost. I've lost people in my life aswell and, even though, like you said in your entry, I don't know exactly how YOU are feeling, I'm sure plenty of us can sympathize and relate as much as we know how. It's a horrible thing, death that is. But in the end, it only makes us stronger.

As we all see in you.
You are truely a strong person.
Keep hope, it always helps.

44 | Left by Amber | Dec. 5, 2009 at 5:35pm

Hello Theresa,
let me tell you a story. There was a man laying in a ditch, who had been beaten and robbed. The man was a known outcast who had been guilty of being different than the others who lived in the town. He was unfriendly, honorary and he kept to himself. Many people walked by him as he laid in the ditch moaning and groaning from his beatings; they were people that he knew, a preacher, a doctor, a policeman, and even a psychologist. But, then, an unknown person was passing by, and noticed the man in the ditch. The unknown man placed him on his horse, took him to the town Hotel. He cleaned the man's wounds, gave him food, and stayed with him for a while. Then the unknown man went to the hotel keeper, gave him money for the beaten man's room and food. He told the keeper to watch after him until he was well, and then the unknown man left and continued with his journey.

The unknown man cared for the man in the ditch, because the unknown man once laid in another ditch under the same circumstances. True compassion can only come from the experience of another, who has suffered the same circumstances.

Theresa, please think of me as the unknown man. I will talk to you through this website, and I will stay with you for a while. The words that you read are not unique, uncommon, or never before written. They are the same words that have been spoken and written for centuries, because nothing really changes. There are always people who suffer, always people who have suffered, always people who are confused, and always people who have been awakened from their confusion. You are simply confused; however, your confusion is very deep. As I said in my first message to you, we all are a creation. Our bodies are created, including our minds, organs, our appearance, and our genders. Did the man who got cancer have control of his cancer? And did the doctor who treated the man's cancer teach himself to heal? If what I wrote to you is only a theory, then you must think that we came from nothing. But we are something; how can something come from nothing. There is no known word that can explain that concept.

I did not expect you to be healed by my first response to you. I did not expect you to believe what I said to you either, not entirely anyway. The fact is, which I know is true, is that you can be healed, freed from the weight of misery. I know this because I was you, and I didn't believe any of this either. It took an effort on my own part to believe; it was a choice that I made, because I was either going to die, or I was going to live. And I wanted to live.

Why did you ask those questions? It is because you want to believe in something, Theresa. You see Theresa, when misery exists for a long time in a person, it becomes entrenched and does not want to leave; a person becomes a slave to it because misery has found a home. You are at war with your self; and with patience, determination, help from others, doctors, therapists, medication, and whatever else falls in your path, you can be free of the enemy, which is misery.

Let me ask you a question, Teresa: how does someone know that they are living in an illusion, when they were born into it?
A subsequent question is: how big is the illusion, and who is free from it?

Please read my first response to you again. Pay attention to the meanings of the words. Open your mind and search for a higher power to help you believe. Say to your self "help me believe, and help me understand". Be patient and do not give up. Am I asking you to do anything hurtful to yourself? Is this going to embarrass you? What do you have to lose, except maybe, your misery? What do you have to gain? The appreciation of the morning sun, the setting sun over an ocean, a brisk winter day, the sound of rain beating against the ground, trees dancing in the wind, making love to your husband, your daughter's first prom. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose, Theresa. Excuses only prolong the inevitable. I will talk to you soon.

Love John

45 | Left by John | Dec. 5, 2009 at 11:02pm

I killed myself yesterday. I mean, I think it was yesterday because there seems to be only "now". And I don't know how long "now" has been. It's weird here. It is black, but I know my eyes are open..... there is nothing to see.... my body is gone.... my eyes do not blink. I can not go anywhere.... there is no up, and there is no down.... there is nothing far, and there is nothing close. There is nothing holding me, yet I cannot move. I can only think; I can only be, but what am I? I don't feel anything..... I don't feel bad..... I don't feel good either. This is not what I thought would happen. I thought I would have control afterwards...... I thought I would be free...... or I thought that it would just end. It's like a weird dream that's real, very real. But it's not a nightmare..... it just is. Will I be here forever? What am I? Who was I? I meen, I know who I was, but who was I really? What will I be? What was my life? What is human? What is death? What is life? How come I did not cease to exist? Who is in control? Is there a God? Is this hell? Is there a devil? Can anybody hear me? Is there anybody out there? I am so thirsty for answers. I can only think.... that's all I can do. I guess I will just think, since that is all there is to do.

I know what my name is, but does it matter now? Who will call my name? What is going on? Why did I do it? What was I thinking? Why did I feel so bad? Why was I so angry? Why was I so bitter? Why was I so upset? What did I want? Why did time to see so long? What was my hurry? Why did I want so much? Why didn't somebody tell me? Why didn't somebody warn me? Why did somebody help me? Why didn't they love me? Maybe they did love me. Maybe they did tell me. Maybe I couldn't hear them? Why did my life seem so long; I still know myself; there is still existence; something is still here..... but time is gone. I was tricked..... I thought I was temporary; it is not fare. IT IS NOT FARE!!!!! CAN YOU HERE ME? HEY, CONTROL! CAN YOU HERE ME?!!! Man, I am totally stuck here and it totally stinks.

If there is control, and I don't have control, because I still exist, then, why do I exist? Why did I exist in human form? Why did I come to be me? And how did I get here? If I am here now and feel nothing, why was I there then and felt everything? What the hell is going on?! This whole thing is insane! It's insanity; that's what this is, insanity! But.... I don't feel like I am insane.... I can think. God! I'm so thirsty for answers; please, please answer.

If I never had control, then no one else does either. No one else has control either. Ha ha; they are tricked too..... Oh man! Oh man! That opens up a whole nother batch of thoughts. If no one has control, then, I've been upset, angry, bitter, jealous, and mean to people who believed that they had control and never did. This meens that my father who was abusive to me didn't know what he is doing. He, like me, was forced to exist. But why was he mean? What made him mean? Well, he was born, and he was born to his environment, his parents and his school, his friends, siblings, culture, and everything that surrounded him. So, he was born empty knowing nothing and he became what his parents taught him, what his school taught him, what his friends taught him, and what his culture taught him. Wow, and all of those people who taught him to be who he is were taught by people before them to be who they are. Oh man, and you know what else? Everyone is defective, screwed up, and err, imperfect, and ignorant. So, if what I am thinking is true, a continual reproduction of deffective people is cycled into existence over and over forever. It has to be true, because there is no death, we are forced to live and forced to exist. What's this all about?

Oh man! Oh man! Hey. Hey. I think my thoughts are making me sleepy. That's good; I'm feeling something. I'm so relieved that I'm feeling something. I am going to shut my thoughts off; I guess I'm going to sleep for a little while, disconnect, or snooze. Good by self; I'll talk to you later.

46 | Left by Self | Dec. 6, 2009 at 12:19am

you inspire me. im only 15 and i seen the ugly rageing face of depression, and watched it effect people. i never knew what thery were thinking or how they felt though, just watched them react.
i idolize you for being able to overcome such a horrible event.
as i said. u inspire me.
thanks.

47 | Left by maggie | Dec. 6, 2009 at 7:02am

One day I was flying in the ceiling of this big building, and there was so much food for me to eat. There were all kinds of little bugs up there; it was a feast, and I was getting all I could and as fast as I could. But as I was feeding, getting my fill, I got myself tangled in spider web. I was able to get free of the spiderweb, but the sticky spiderweb latched onto my wings, and I spiraled to ground. I fluttered my winds as hard as I could to try and shake off the spiderweb, but it would not come off. All I can do was buzz around on the ground, I could not fly anymore. What was I going to do? I had no way to clean myself from the spider webbing that was rigidly attached to my wings. Oh how frightened I was, how helpless; I knew that I was doomed.

I sat motionless for a while after tirelessly fluttering my wings trying to free myself. Something was approaching, something really really big; it was a thousand times bigger than me. Oh no, it's going to kill me, I thought. I fluttered, I fluttered, and I tried to escape, and he missed me. I was too quick for him, he walked away, the big giant thing moved away. Oh no! It's coming back; this time he was quicker, but I fluttered and tried to fly away. Oh, he got me; he chased me down on the floor and got me. I'm doomed, it's all over; my little life is over.

He carried me to a place and sent me down. I looked up at him and he was a thousand times bigger than me; I was so terrified. Is he going to eat me? Is he going to pull my wings off; I thought please kill me quick; let the end come. But he just stared at me, as he held my left wings. I fluttered, but It was no use; he was way too strong for me, and I was too tired. I felt the tugging at my right wing; oh, this is it, I thought. But, but, no; the spider webbing was gone from my right wing. The big giant thing took the spider webbing off of my right wing. He gripped my right wing and held me down, and then he tugged at my left wing, and the spider webbing was gone from my left-wing. I have been cleaned! I have been cleaned! But he did not let me go. What is he going to do with me now? He is taking me somewhere; I fluttered, I fluttered, but he is too strong; he is a huge giant thing, and he is carrying me somewhere.

I saw light; he took me out into the light. We were no longer in the building, and I could see the blue sky and the sun setting over the horizon. The big giant thing set me down. I just sat there for a moment; I was not afraid anymore. My wings were free from the spider webbing, and the giant thing placed me on the ground. He did not hurt me; he saved me, and he is setting me free. I looked up at him and he was so awesome, so big, and so gentle. He loves me; I'm just a bug; how can something that big love a bug. He bent down and crouched over me; he reached out to me nudged me with his finger. I flew away; I flew high into the blue sky heading towards the setting sun. How beautiful my life is, how beautiful the sky is, how beautiful the horizon is. I never noticed before; I didn't even know that I was alive.

I must tell all the other dragonflies. A must tell them about this big thing. I must tell them not to be afraid; the gentle giant saved my life. Thank you giant thing.

Dragonfly

48 | Left by DragonFly | Dec. 6, 2009 at 7:39am

I killed myself yesterday..... I think it was yesterday..... it's hard to say, because it has stopped. There's no daytime, and no nighttime; there's no way to know how long I have been here, yet I know I am here, and I know that it is now. My thoughts keep me company in this nothingness, so I let them speak to me. Maybe they will tell me something, something that will help me understand.

It's weird you know? Because I no longer live in the world, the world is different; it's like it does not belong to me anymore, or I no longer belong to it. I see it from a far, a big marble in a mass of blackness. I see all of the people that exist with it. Strangely, I realize now that they feed off of it. It is a home, a shelter, a provider, and a parant, a ruler and a dictator. It has rules, and if one does not follow the rules of the world, it shows no mercy, and it will steer the lawbreaker to submission.

Look at all the people. What are they doing? Do they know where they're at? Do they realize they're trapped? Do they realize that the world controls them? They are enslaved by survival; they must labor, and they must reproduce. The world provides, but it also hides what it provides; the fruits of the world that supports survival must be harvested through labor. Labor is hard, difficult, tiresome, and it breaks their bodies, breaks their heart, and breaks their spirit.

Do you know what else is true about the world? It doesn't do anything; it spins and rotates around the sun, providing time and a calendar of seasons that never ends. It has a moon to provide light at night; a night light. It has stars to give those who live on the world direction, position, and guidance. The world exists in this huge thing called the universe, which makes it as small as a grain of sand, or even smaller. It accomplishes nothing outside of itself. If even a smaller grain of sand crashed into it, it would be destroyed. If the sun fell dim, it would be destroyed. If the moon was relocated, even slightly, the world would be destroyed.

Do they know that? Do they realize that their tiny existence totally depends on things that they do not understand, things that they are oblivious to? No! They don't see; ha, they don't even want to see; they don't even care. Because the world has them trapped and enslaved to survival, they are totally distracted from the truth.

They scurry from here to there, doing this and doing that, fighting over that which is nothing. They're jealous because he has that which he does not have. Some see themselves as kings; some see themselves as slaves. Some see themselves as warriors, and some see themselves as victims. But they are all the same, so small, so tiny, so diminutive and microscopic. They exist on a rock being born and being killed in a never ending cycle of eternity, that makes them all equal, all the same, so tiny that they might as well have not even existed. They are dead upon their birth; That is how small they are. It cannot be denied, you know? Eternity is beyond their conception, so they value what is temporary, which is themselves, their wants, their pleasures, their security, their passions, their status, theif false delusional purpose. Next to eternity, anything that is temporary, no matter how big temperary is, is nothing. They all are temporary, and everything that they want is temporary, and they cannot compete with eternity.

Eternity is beyond their conception, so they love what is temporary, because it seems natural, because they were born wanting and searching. And their fears are generated from their wants, what they may not receive, what they cannot have, what they are not allowed to have. What is it that they want most? What is it that they think they cannot have? The little fools can have the universe if they wanted it, but it is hidden from them. They have to ask the question. They have to ask why. They have to submit to the rules of the world, the rules of the universe, all of them, the rules that have existed before they have, which are from the Source, the Source of all things, the Source, who is All. They have no choice. It is the divine design, the map that leads to the one place.

What is the place? It is the place of truth, the place where the treasure is buried, a place of Revelation, the place of understanding, the place of reason, place of meaning,the place of knowledge.

You know who is closest to the truth? It is the brokenhearted, the spiritually broken, the adicts, the cutters, the raped, the abused, the suicidal, the desperate, the depressed, the hopeless. They are the closest, because they want to know why, they are searching for the reason. Their confusion has driven them insane, and it is their time. They will all come, and they will all ask, they will discover who they really are and what the world really is, and they will be set free. FREE! FREE! FREE!

49 | Left by Self | Dec. 6, 2009 at 10:09pm

Dear whoever,
You know how there are times when you just don’t know what is wrong… you sit here feeling like someone has stabbed you in the heart and filled your stomach with cement and don’t know why..
My whole body feels as if I am hollow inside.. bones turned to dust and muscles disappeared… you feel like little knives are stabbing you from the inside testing you to see what you will do
Two pills a day to take the pain away.. if only it worked like that..
All I can feel is the space missing from my heart… some days it is just too much.. I can’t function or even concentrate..Putting on the fake happy face and pretending everything is ok has been my life for years
Sometimes I can almost trick myself in to believing that I am truly ok… other times I just want to run and not come back
So many people feel like this… sometimes I just don’t know if I am strong enough I feel like I am always crying on the inside and I don’t know how to make it stop
7 years of depression.. so many people who try and help…24 years old and struggling with what I feel like is an endless cycle..
I feel so selfish though.. other people have been through more than me yet I seem to not cope
I don’t know what to do anymore.. I don’t know who to turn to
All I know is that I can’t do this anymore….

50 | Left by Aimee | Dec. 7, 2009 at 7:25pm

Hello Aimee,
Accept that you are depressed. Accept that you do not understand. Accept what you cannot control for the moment. But most importantly, focus on what is real and what is not real. The powerful illusions that exist in the human mind can consume it to the point where all hope disappears. But it is still an allusion. You are not dying, you are healthy, people do love you, you are a good person, all of your mistakes have been nothing more than experiences, a learning process, a journey to do what is right. All of the offenses from other people against you are equal to your mistakes. All of the people who have hurt you are guilty of making the same mistakes that you have made, because they are also on the same journey to learn what is right and what is good. Every offense, every mistake, no matter how great and no matter how small are all equal; you must develop a perception of that truth, make it real. If you can let go of your mistakes that you have made in your past, then you can let go of the mistakes that other people have made against you, whether they know it or not, whether they apologize or not. If you have hurt people in your life and can make it right, Do it. If you want peace, you have to wave the white flag so people can see it.

Go to war with your self. Empower the Aimee, who sees even the tiniest reality and build it like a wall that surrounds you from all of the allusions that are trying to break into your mind, your heart, and your being. Do not give up. Do not subject your self to your fears. Fear is part of the illusion; as you walk through the darkness of the fear, the light will follow you, and you will illuminate yourself, enlighten yourself, free your self.

Love,John

51 | Left by John | Dec. 8, 2009 at 10:21am

Nicole, your story inspires me how you can get up now in the morning and not go through what you use to go through. How you over came something that would eat us all alive for years and years to come. I dont really know howw you did it, but i am impressed. On january 5th i am going to think about your story and relize what happened. Also i understand what you mean by how WE are the selfish ONES, NOT the ones who COMMITED SUICIDE. When my unlce died it took me a long time to cope around the idea that he just wanted ot leave us, and i was only thinking for myself, and not thinkning why he drank himself to death that night. I am only 14, and i still have alot to learn about life but i know what the harsh side if the fence looks like i know what it also feels like, and i am so proud i guess i could say that you grew over that and went across the fence, and found hope.

<33 Chelsea

52 | Left by Chelsea | Dec. 8, 2009 at 4:58pm

I do know what you went though and I am also touched by your story. When I was 18 my little sister who was 13 at the time took her own life. She hung herself from a tree. I was the one who found her and had to help untie her from the tree. Something like this changes your out look on life and how you see other people. thanks for your time and the space to share my story too....

53 | Left by Christine | Dec. 8, 2009 at 6:22pm

Nicole your story reminds me so much of mine, I just lost the love of my life on November 19 of this year. I have so many feelings running through me, and have been having a hard time sorting them out. Adam was my everything and now I feel like everything is gone. Losing Adam has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through, and I still have so many questions. Nicole you talked about sleeping with one of Zeke's old shirts, well I have one of Adam's old pillows that I sleep with. Though I wonder if it is not the reason that I have dreams about him every night.

My brother told me about this site and I am still very new at this, but it is nice to know that I am not alone. It is also good to know that I will someday be able to get through this.

54 | Left by Meghann | Dec. 8, 2009 at 6:30pm

I killed myself yesterday; I think it was yesterday. I don't really know; this place has no time. I am existing in a dark nothingness, with only the ability to think. I'm remembering things before I killed myself. Oh yes, I remember; I was so miserable, miserable for so long. I just could not take it anymore, the anxiety, the fear, the sorrow, the disinterest, the numbness, the rage, the mind boggling racing thoughts, the restlessness, the internal chaos; it was a psychological beating. My arms burned and my hands shook; was I crazy? I was so insecure; is everyone talking about me? Did they think I was crazy? Why couldn't I get better? I was convinced that no one wanted me to be around, that I had become a burden, that my presence would only bring people down with me, that I was worthless, not worthy of life, a mistake in birth. I could not take it anymore. The weight of living became unbearable, and I did it. Oh, I feel it all again; it is still here; it is all still here. Please, please make it stop. I thought it would end; I thought I would just end and not be.

What is this? What is happening now, to me; I can see them and see them, after, after I did it. Oh no, oh no, no, no! They're, they're grieving, they're crying. No, I do not want to see this! STOP! STOP! OH NO, I can feel them, I can feel the hurt, the pain, their disbelief, their confusion, their guilt and their self blame. STOP! STOP! All of their pain combined, I can feel it all, too much, too much! Please please stop! I can't stop it! It won't go away! AAAAAHHHHHHH!.......AAAAAAHHHHHH!.........OH GOD, it's burning! It's burning! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!.......AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Can you hear my screams!? AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!.......AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh god oh god oh god, please please please, I beg you to stop it. I'm so weak; I am so weak. It's stopping. It's stopping. Thank you for taking it away. Thank you God. Thank you God.

I think I know what hell is; hell is in the mind of the beholder. It is his misery. It is his confusion. It is his ignorance. It is his allusion, his anti-reality. It is his insanity. It is so powerful; it cannot be challenged. The beautiful days, the wealth of money, and the medical treatments cannot stop it. It is an enslaved mind, an enslaved heart and an enslaved soul that seems to have no hope. It grows like weeds, smothering the mind, smothering the thoughts until nothing good remains. What is the reason? Am I deserving of this somehow? Was I born to be miserable? Was I a bad person? Am I being punished? What is the reason? What is the reason? God, God. Are you doing this to me?

Self

55 | Left by Self | Dec. 9, 2009 at 11:22am

your words were so wonderful i could never imagine being in your shoes i hope you remain staying stronng.... much love

56 | Left by brit tany | Dec. 9, 2009 at 3:31pm

Nicole, i want to thank you for your bravery. I am one who feels as though life would be better off without me in it. I am the soul that feels too much and the spirit that wants more than could ever be obtained. But your pain somehow gave me hope. Often I realize that my departure would mean devastation to many-and while it is painful to live, it would be even more painful to put that terror on my loved ones.The nightmare that you were thrust into is more than I want to cause. We all need to feel as though we have a purpose, a reason to create, a reason to exist. I will continually search for my own. So thank you for sharing....you do have a purpose.

57 | Left by nanette | Dec. 10, 2009 at 9:31am

Dear, Sweet John,
While I admit it's taken me a few weeks to respond to your unbelievably kind message, please know that your words have resonated within me all this time. And while I cannot, at this moment, respond with just the words I'm looking for....I do very much wish to continue communicating with you. You have provided me with an anonymous sounding-board that not only hears me, but seems to be trying to both understand me and guide me. I will write more soon...please don't stop sharing your kindness with me, or the others you have reached out to recently. A set of ears and a voice like yours is just what people like me need. Thank you from the deepest parts of my heart.
Theresa

58 | Left by Theresa | Dec. 23, 2009 at 11:52pm

A year ago, I was IMed by a girl who I didn't really know but I knew my friend knew and I had heard of. She had gotten pregnant and she was still in school. She told me that her life was ruined because she couldn't do anything if she was pregnant. She told me how she was going to kill herself and I told her how she shouldn't and I tried hard. I had to leave later so I said goodbye and wished her luck. I didn't know her number or anything so I couldn't call her and help her. When I found out she did kill herself, I was devastated.
This website has really helped me cope and I hope her family is okay. This is probably a little odd but I've only told one other person and I think it's so brave of you to share this because as far as I know, it's extremely hard.
Best of luck <3

59 | Left by Liz | Dec. 26, 2009 at 6:41pm

wow,
this mad me start to cry so bad. I also lost a love one. So i started to drink and smoke weed everyday of everyminute. Thats how i got through my days. But i knew i had to changed bc it wasnt helping at all. Today is would be one year. She hung herself in her room while i was out in the living room. so when her bother which was my boyfriend (he died in a car crash over the summer)was about to take me home. i went to say goodbye to her. And i found her. I didnt scream. i didnt say anything. I didnt cry at the moment. I just backed up and fell over the chair. So tyler came to see what happened. And also found her. It probably took me three months to get her image out of my mind just for a minute. each time i closed my eyes i would see her. She always seemed so happy, she always made me smile. She was basically my sister. Tyler would literaly drag me out of bed everyday. My parents never understood. They never met her. I never brought anyone home.

then over the summer Tyler and his mom died from a car crash. I was going to marry Tyler. we had been dating for almost three years. Everyone was like why are you thinking about marrying someone so young. I had no doubt in my mind that i was going to marry him. When he died. the rest of me died with him. I fell into the deepest depression ever. I wanted to end my life. So i tried by overdosing. when i was in the icu for a week, everynight i would feel Chrissy and Tyler being around me. Then i realized tyler would be so disappointed in me. So i changed my life around. Im not as depressed anymore. I still do have my days where i dont want to get out of bed. But i do just to make Tyler and Chrissy happy.

60 | Left by shelbee | Dec. 31, 2009 at 3:52pm

Nicole -

I saw you speak at ODU and then this weekend at Heavy and Light.

I wanted to say something to you at ODU, but because of the fear of awkwardness and having nothing of value to say, I didn't.

But a weekend like this past one helps to get rid of those kind of silly fears, eh?
After Saturday night, I just wanted to find you and give you a hug.

But I couldn't find you - so here's a hug. Thanks for being real and vulnerable. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm praying that God continues to comfort you and heal you. I'm praying that you can continue on with your life as memories of Zeke always remain both heavy and light.

Rachel

61 | Left by Rachel Burnett | Jan. 11, 2010 at 9:16am

This is maybe my second time on this website, and I've already read tons of inspiring posts. I've been going through a hard time myself, facing depression and anxiety, seeing therapist after therapist, and taking medicine for over 2 years now. The pain in my heart and mind is unbearable yet it is still very hard for me to trust people and talk to them about my thoughts and problems, so I figured I'd reach out to you guys.
I like to write to get my thoughts and emotions out so I wanted to share this poem I wrote...maybe some of you can relate to it:

Pieces of me are falling off
Bit by bit,
Like the leaves off trees
On a cold Winter's day,
The sky a cloud gray
And foggy like my mind,
That never seems to clear away,
Although I pray it will
As I watch damaged wrist
Disappear amongst the scars.

62 | Left by Jen | Apr. 7, 2010 at 6:05pm