When I meet her she is unconscious, unresponsive, she has recently overdosed and is in her own world. In the ER we tell them we are her family so that they will let us stay with her. By the time they transfer her to the critical care unit it is 1am and we are all exhausted. We are left alone with her, the three of us silent in the stillness. Exhausted we decide to sleep, but anxious with worry we stay awake and pray. Pray for change and for her to wake. Finally by 3am I am asleep on a couch in the corner. At 3:40am she wakes, groggy and confused. I awake in a daze and pray. By 5am she knows where she is and is more awake. In her chaos there are moments of clarity. In one breath she claims she wants to change, in the next she moans and wails. We hold her as she shakes, sobbing in our arms. She loves and hates, cares and abandons all care. She is inconsistent and shaky at best. I rub her neck and for a moment she finds peace and relief from the pain. She tells me that “she wants to be a witness for Jehovah”, that she loves and believes in God, she says that He is the only way. Her advice to me is to “look past the obstacles’ or I will ‘Never see the big picture”. If she would only take her own advice… Memories haunt her and scars remain on her heart. She looks in the mirror and sees no beauty. Looks at the sun and only sees the dark. She heaves and we hold her hair as tears stream and we dry her tears. I hold her hand and pray as she moans in pain. As she detoxes the hospital retoxes her; filling her with more pills. Medicating and sedating, but never fixing the root the core. We continue to love on her. Her daughter, niece, nephew, friends, brother visit and she becomes agitated. She wants their love but doesn’t want to hear the truth. I help her in every way I can, but know it is not enough. I bring her some chocolate milk and she smiles. As we leave her I pray, but inwardly know that all is not ok. It’s frightening and eye opening, only fitting that today is Halloween. We continue to pray, hope even though small, is still alive.

1 | Left by aly | Oct. 31, 2010 at 2:28pm

Thanks Chris- this last week has been really hard for me. I have been up for over 24 hours. I have been struggling a lot.
Yesteday I cut once then prayed and cried and then was in the hospital with a friend.

It was eye opening. Before I did'nt think my addiction could aaffect others like her addiction is affecting us and her family. I don't want to end up where she is.

I have decided to change and give my life to God
and this weekend really solidified the need for change.

Anyways- thanks. Happy Halloween.

2 | Left by aly | Oct. 31, 2010 at 2:33pm

Halloween and the week that's followed was way harder on me than I thought it would be :( I'm running out of reasons to stay because every reason I had is finding somewhere else to go, someone else to love. They say that I'm important but I don't believe it anymore... I wish I could believe what people keep telling me, I know it's true but I can't believe it. I want to change too but it's hard when there's no reason to change or when your reasons are falling apart under their own struggles. I feel like I'm in this never-ending loop of depression and cutting and it's just crap...

3 | Left by Emily | Nov. 5, 2010 at 5:56am

Emily,
I know how you feel, but there is someone who cares. There is someone who is willing to help you through everything, and help you stop. She knows how to because shes been there, shes been alone with no one to run to. She's typing this message right now. I might not be the best person, but i'll do anything to just put a smile on someones face.

If you ever need anything, email me at mikyluvsyew@gmail.com and i'll give you my number, and i'll always be there for you.

4 | Left by Mikayla | Nov. 12, 2010 at 7:22am