I ended up waching the rerun of this episode on MTV (qutie by accident) while cooking supper tonight, and I was shocked that the station was broadcasting a matter hit so close to home. Depression. Self injury. And writing as a coping mechanism. I knew her pain and felt my opinion of her was changed dramatically. It helped me remember that a person truly cannot assume he or she truly knows any single person's emotions whether an acquaintance, friend, or celebrity. Everyone has those secrets and traits that are embarassing and/or regertted. It helped me to reevaluate how I make judgements. The show just helped me realize that I cannot assume I truly know anyone based on how they act whether on reality television, in the
hallways a school, or in public with a group of friends because there is always so much more hidden emotionally that can be seen on the exterior, and it is
another human's emotions are something that i will never truly grasp. It was
definitely very eye-opening.

1 | Left by Lana | Jul. 23, 2009 at 10:33pm

i have been cutting for 4 years and just stopped a few moths ago. this episode was very triggering and i found myself shaking and thinking about cutting..but i didnt. im glad mtv is making self harm more known though..and im glad that you guys are getting in contact with them (: you helped me..im sure you can help her (:

2 | Left by Abbie | Jul. 24, 2009 at 5:52am

I don't have television, but i was at my boyfriends house and we were watching Mtv, Real World. it just happened to be this exact episode. i remember watching Ayiiia walk into the bathroom and close the door and thinking to myself, please don't.
As it came to be that she was infact cutting herself, it brought back all the pain i had felt.
I had stopped cutting for about 2 months. Watching Ayiiia talk about "going back to old habits" had made me scared.
I had to ask to change the channel because i felt as if i just wanted to go straight home and pick up my razor.
I don't know anything about The Real World, or what's going on this season, but this episode had an impact on me none the less.
I can understand how tempting it can be sometimes, and i understand that sometimes your conscious mind can't help you quite enough to keep you from cutting.
I had let myself, and maybe people who care for me down last night.
After 2 months, i guess it had gotten to me, and this episode could have been the last straw that broke the camel's back.

3 | Left by tarah | Jul. 24, 2009 at 8:55am

This episode of the real world really put me back where i was this past january, when my boyfriend found out about my cutting habit. I really felt for Ayiiia, when the other roomates found out about her cutting, and just told her it was for attention. I also feel that this episode of the real world brought me and my boyfriend closer together, because he apologized for his ignorance.

4 | Left by Ivy | Jul. 24, 2009 at 9:18am

You know, I saw the previews for this episode alone and froze. I knew it was going to cause an uproar, but was unsure of its severity. Personally I could not watch it b/c I knew it would end up being a trigger for me. Now that I have read the comment and blogs about it, it's really got me thinking. Why is it that people who don't understand self-injury talk about it in such a disrespectful way? The whole misinterpretation of who people are, where they come from and their personal stories is dangerous territory. It can be so damaging when someone close or near you, as a cutter, doesn't understand or know how to treat the situation. I think there needs to be an education for the rest of the world on self-injury awareness. And for the self-injurer themselves, I think there needs to be a more open conversation. I read in comments, groups, blogs, bo0ks and everywhere in between about how cutters want to cut after hearing someone else has done it. I feel this way myself but what I fail to understand is how to break that cycle. How do people who self-harm help other people who self-harm without causing a ripple affect of injury? There has got to be a way and I wholeheartedly believe that TWLOHA is a gateway to finding those answers.

Thank you for everything that you do for us...
<3

5 | Left by Anna | Jul. 24, 2009 at 9:22am

When I was younger and my little brother got hurt (by accident, he's 8), I used to lash out at him by getting mad at him for "being a baby". I am EXTREMELY protective and mothering, most of the time, but when he got hurt, I yelled at him. "Stop crying, why are you crying? You're pathetic, I wouldn't handle it like that! You shouldn't have [say] touched the hot pan in the first place!"

I'm fairly sensible, and as I look back on that trait, I know that my anger had nothing to do with being mad at *him* for getting hurt. Heck, it wasn't his fault! I yelled at him because I was scared, scared to death, of him being in pain and me not being able to help, to take it on myself, to take it away from him. My worst nightmares consisted of me, helpless, watching him in pain. I was angry, yes, but only at myself, for not having stopped the pain, for not having been able to take it away. I yelled at him because of *my* pain in seeing his own...wishing I could help, but not knowing how.

I believe the insulting and harmful responses to self-injurers may be the same as my words to my brother. People who don't understand, who are scared of something they don't know...who wish they could help, but don't know how....who wish they could have taken it away...or maybe, just maybe, people who need help, themselves, but have no way to ask. If this doesn't become a more global issue, it will stay like this; if there isn't more open conversation, people will not understand; if it remains the taboo issue that so many people make it, what else can you expect most people to say?

Just wanted to bring up another perspective.

6 | Left by Anon | Jul. 24, 2009 at 1:56pm

y do people make fun of what they don't understand? y dont they strive to understand and help? i don't watch this show but reading this blog made be think that if u make fun of the girl then she will prolly just want to go and hurt her self again and that most of the time peoples reactions are more harm than good. i think people should be helpful not jerks about it

7 | Left by Rose | Jul. 24, 2009 at 2:15pm

To Kaitlyn and the TWLOHA team -

Thank you so much for responding to this episode. I watched it because I knew it was about cutting and I wanted to see how the roommates took the news, if you will. It reminds me of a time when I was on my college campus and heard some girls making some rude remarks about self-injury. In a nutshell, one of them said, "Look at this cut on my leg that I got from shaving. I had to cover it up because people would think I was some emo cutter."

For once in my life, I stood up for myself and all those who are either cutting or recovering from it and said, "Stop. Stop making jokes about something that is a serious issue. Ten bucks that you know someone who is a cutter. Now think. If you were one, would you like people making jokes about you? No, I didn't think so. So please, stop and think because words can truly break a person."

These girls just stared at me and apologized. I was glad that they had that response, whether or not they would continue didn't matter. I just knew that I had made a difference that day.

So thank you again for posting about this episode. It was an episode that made me angry, sad, nostalgic (for lack of a better word) and it reminded me of why I wear my TWLOHA merch around campus because love IS the movement.

Sincerely,
Rachel

8 | Left by Anon | Jul. 24, 2009 at 3:07pm

Self-injury is more serious than people take it. I'm so glad we have TWLOHA to get the word out that you are not alone! I have been there and done that. "LOVE", is the movement.
"Your only as tall as your heart will let you be
and your only as small as the world will make you seem so when the going gets tough and you feel like no one cares just look on the brightside TWLOHA is always there."-BRM

Sincerely,
Brianne M.

9 | Left by Brianne | Jul. 24, 2009 at 5:56pm

I watched this episode about an hour ago, and I still cannot stop crying. I have borderline personality disorder, so I can understand Ayiiia's problems in her relationship with her roommates. I am so sorry that such a beautiful girl resorts to cutting herself to relieve her pain. I always though my cutting and personality disorder came about because I am fat and was always made fun of for it, but I see that it happens to all sorts of people. I havent cut or burned myself in almost 2 years, and hope to never start again, but it took A LONG TIME.... I am 35 years old now. I still have many of the relationship and emotional issues associated with Borderline personality disorder and am seeking treatment again, after leaving the agency I was getting treatment from a few months ago.

10 | Left by Joanna | Jul. 24, 2009 at 7:27pm

I have struggled with self injury off and on for almost a year now along with depression.

I watched this episode after I read this blog and the whole episode just made me sad. I knew her pain, and the feeling of being alone. I've been there. I thought Joey was horrible to her. I don't think there is ever an excuse for doing that to a person, trying to make them go over the edge like that. People are so ignorant about issues these days, and hopefully maybe this will show people that self injury isn't a joke. it's sad that I've seen posts on socialvibe, in the twloha forums of all places where people were saying she wanted attention. People were saying they were on joey's side and she deserved it. It made me really disappointed. I've never watched real world cancun before this and maybe she is not the nicest person or had a fight coming to her, but no one deserves to be hurt so much. I'm really glad you addressed this.

Have hope,
Kayla

11 | Left by Kayla | Jul. 24, 2009 at 11:38pm

I watched the episode and was floored at the treatment of Aiiyah it's a very serious issue and I know of it first hand and It just upset me terribly I had no idea people as terrible as he is are alive. How are self mutilators going to get any help with people like him around???

12 | Left by Brian Haines | Jul. 25, 2009 at 12:37am

I watched this episode without knowing what it was about. It just so happened that I had relapsed from a 4 month span without cutting about three days before I saw the episode. It terrified me while watching it because i felt myself picking at the scab and wanting to do it again. The ignorance of some roommates disgusted me. I am so thankful for this site and all the good it does for people. It really helps to know that there is such a community to help those of us that self-injure. Thank you.

Sheri

13 | Left by Sheri | Jul. 25, 2009 at 6:26pm

Well - I watched the episode after reading the blog, and it seems my reaction is quite different than others. I have been a self injurer for almost thirteen years, and I am covered in scars. There is not one part of my body that has not been affected. I saw that girl, and I feel for her and understand her desperation, but...truthfully...I was wondering why she didn't have any scars. The reaction from the roommates was entirely un-called for - but if it wasn't for the fact that I have been doing this for so long, I proably would have had the same reaction. I am no better than them - you react in ignorant ways when you don't understand. I am sorry to all who found the video triggering or hurtful...for me, I suppose it simply showed me that perhaps my problem is more severe than I would have thought it was before. It also proved that unless this issue comes into the light, people will remain ignorant to the severity of the situation and say hurtful and awful things to those suffering with self harm.

14 | Left by Anon | Jul. 26, 2009 at 5:56am

i have been cutting for 2 years nd watching the real wrold waz really hard i waz shaking nd for some reason i wanted too go cut meh self but i dident cuz im trying really hard too stop i really like how yall are putting self injery out there cuz no one understands:{ so thx:}

15 | Left by Ashley | Jul. 27, 2009 at 12:06pm

"However, in the same way it hurts us to see pain broadcasted into homes on TVs and computer screens, it cannot be denied that it forces the world to see the reality of these issues, that they exist, and that they happen. This is the real world we live in."
I got goosebumps when I read that, because I agree completely. So many people live blinded to these serious issues.

16 | Left by Marlie | Jul. 27, 2009 at 10:52pm

I too watched this episode of the Real World. I felt for Ayiiia. I have been in that moment where I felt I had no other option but to hurt myself. I was sickened by the responses from the roommates, but at the same time I was reminded of my own purpose. Those who suffer should no longer be ashamed but be empowered. I saw more strength in Ayiiia in that moment of pain and I find my own strength from my own moments of pain.

17 | Left by Jessica | Jul. 28, 2009 at 6:30am

After reading this blog, I went and watched the episode online.
I honestly could not believe how insensitive and heartless those guys were being.
I was a cutter, I stopped maybe a month ago when my parents found out. I literally sat here and cried.
I was shaking. Every single time I am pushed over the edge by my family or someone at school I feel the urge to cut. Every time. I can truly say that I miss it.
And for those guys to antagonize Ayiia for that?
It made me want to go to Cancun and slap them.
It's not always just a cry for attention. And it was in fact ignorant and stupid for them to say that.

I could not believe that most of her roommates could care less about her hurting herself.

I think it's good that this episode showed both sides.
But I still feel awful for Ayiia for dealing with that and quitting then starting again.

18 | Left by Jennifer | Jul. 28, 2009 at 7:22pm

First, let me say that I don't even know what Real Life is, I know nothing about the show. And also, let me say that I highly respect TWLOHA's work but I needed to reply to this, just this once. My goal is just to raise a genuine question, so I hope you won't see this as insulting! ;)
I know the influence you have on your readers -and that's great. But I just wanted to write that, yes, talking about self-injury is needed, and yes, there's a striking lack of informations about it, but... don't you think it's a little bit dangerous to encourage on a blog to broadcast our pain, just like that? It's true a discussion needs to be started, and you guys do that perfectly, but I strongly disagree with the fact that we have to be completely open about it. Internet and TV have led us to think nothing is personal or intimate anymore, and I think that's wrong. Some people just cannot be trusted with certain informations, and I think we ought to be careful when we advice people to talk openly about their issues. Sharing this information can be very triggering, and when you decide to do it, you're in a very vulnerable place. I worry that with this blog some people might think the answer is just to walk around, saying "I'm a cutter", just for the sake of it. I hate to say this, but I really think life is going to be a lot harder for this girl on MTV, now that EVERYONE knows about it. I just wouldn't like being known as "the cutter", and that's what she is to me since I don't know a thing about the show. We're so much more than that.. What I'll personally remember from this example is that it's easy to share in the virtual world because it's easy to turn the screen off if things go bad. It's not the same thing in the real "real world", so again... Think carefully before you speak. And to TWLOHA's team, don't underestimate the influence you have on people... (I hate this, it sounds like I'm telling you how to do your job, which I obviously wouldn't dare doing, but, yeah, I felt like I had to bring my two cents in.)

Thank you for your time!

19 | Left by Anon | Jul. 28, 2009 at 10:45pm

I think that it is great that they brought light to such a dark subject and negative response isnt something that is good though. It is happening to so many people and shedding light will help people stop doing it that way. thank you.

20 | Left by karen | Jul. 29, 2009 at 9:56am

I've always felt, with TWLOHA and as far as the shirts go: it IS about raising awareness. But its also about opening doors and changing minds. The biggest misconception is that self-injury is a means for lonely people to draw attention to themselves and really, its so far from that. We have such an opportunity to assume the role of change. Even in our own struggles, we can make the difference we want to see. For it is in the greatest fear and trepidation that our hearts show our greatest gift: love, in spite of the weight of our worlds upon us.
Someone once told me, it isn't the person you are right now, or the one you will become. Its getting from forgetting to forgiving yourself.
As in, you are worthwhile, so stop telling yourself you aren't.
<33

21 | Left by NolanN | Jul. 29, 2009 at 6:09pm

I watched the Real World episode last week and it was very hard for me to watch. I hadn't cut myself in months but seeing her do it made me want to go back to my old ways. For about the past week when dealing with struggles I wanted to cut again. I cut myself last night for the first time in months and I am so ashamed of myself today. I think it helps so much to have people to talk to about this..then you know you aren't alone.

Thanks for sharing your stories.

22 | Left by Vanessa | Jul. 30, 2009 at 5:43pm

i am not exactly sure how long i have been cutting. Not only do i cut, but i will hit myself and pull my hair, i have also struggled with anorexia, and suicide, and depression, also anxiety, and substance abuse. I saw this episode and it really broke my heart. watching aiiya explain why she did it made me feel validated and it was hard for me to watch. Though it was not a trigger at the moment, today i relapsed for the first time in 3 months and injured myself again. i am really disappointed in myself for not finding a better way to deal but i couldnt calm down. i have only been on this website once before and this is my first blog. but i thought coming here might help me feel better about myself and help me to not relapse again. so thanks everyone for sharing your stories :) i dont feel so alone anymore

23 | Left by Elle | Jul. 31, 2009 at 8:13pm

When i watched that episode, i defintely felt for Ayiiia. I know what it's like and im kinda glad MTV showed that episode cuz it opens America's eyes to this issue and that it is real... and pain is real.

24 | Left by Nicole | Aug. 2, 2009 at 9:25am

I don't know if anyone remembers this or not but on the real world san diego frankie abernathy struggled with cutting herself as well , so this isn't the first time its happened on mtv , however i have been a cutter and struggled with depression and eating disorders since i was 13 so i know where ayiiia is at and i hope she's able to get the help she needs , much love to all those out there in need of help and getting help.

25 | Left by Nicole | Aug. 2, 2009 at 6:39pm

I heard about this episode through this blog, so I watched it online, and although Ayiiia may have been manipulative and unable to get along well with the roommates, I truly felt for her, and understood that her self-injury was not a way to get attention or manipulate people. (It never was for me in the three years I did it.) And as for Joey's response...better hope we never run into each other or I WILL punch him! On the other hand, the other boys' responses also were...I don't know. It's as if they were content to stand by and watch his cruelty. But I'm really glad MTV got the word out about this, and that you guys responded as well. :)

26 | Left by Anon | Aug. 6, 2009 at 5:15pm

I was shocked to watch this episode, even more uncomfortable watching the previews with my parents. I began hurting myself a young age and recently began therapy. I am somewhat greatful to know that SI is being brought into the spotlight. I am 15 and already know weay too much. People need to be aware that this is not a joke but. We are on an emotional rollercoaster and all we need is support, whether or not we acknowlegde it.

27 | Left by Alejandra | Aug. 7, 2009 at 6:08pm

I am a former cutter. The last time I cut myself was around 4 years ago when I was in 8th grade. Watching this episode made me trigger for the first time. I was shaking and my arm was burning and I could hear that voice in my head telling me to just do it and get it over with. I turned off the tv and went downstairs to sit with my mom. We talked about it and even though I had the urge I was able to over power that voice and not relapse. It was a relief to me to read that it was normal feeling to see that and have a trigger. Thank you for writing and posting this blog. <3

28 | Left by CS | Aug. 8, 2009 at 12:35am

I saw this episode and the moment she stepped into the bathroom I knew what was going to happen. It was like watching myself. The anguish and pain; the desperate feeling to escape to feel something, just triggered memories. I remember her saying that she wanted to balance the pain, so did I. People don't hurt themselves for attention, they feel helpless, desperate. When I'd cut myself I didn't think. It was all a blurr, just couldn't stop. I'm glad that this is out there in the open. I've cut myself since I was 11 and didn't stop until I was 15 1/2. I'm 16 now. It took me a hospitalization at BHC Alhambra Psychiatric Hospital, years of therapy and meds, and my bf's support to get through this. Going back to old habits is my biggest fear but I hope aiiya realizes that she's opened a door for many girls who stayed silent. I hope she gets help before anything happens. It will always be a struggle but just gotta stay strong

29 | Left by Brianda | Aug. 8, 2009 at 11:45pm

i have only just recently found out about TWLOHA (from FTSK and a friend) and i found this blog after searching the website. after i had read the blog and the comments i was speechless. i have obviously heard of self injury before but i never, never in a million years would have thought that it was on this bigger scale. i felt ashamed that i didnt know of this huge issue. and now im angry- at how hushed up, i suppose, this issue is. i mean being at high school we have drug education and teenage pregenacy (which are, of course important) drilled into our heads for years- but we have never have had ANY self ingury/depression education watsoever. why is it so in the dark? why does nobody know about it? so i have decided to write to the principal about the lack of it in our health education system.

love
katelyn

30 | Left by Katelyn | Aug. 10, 2009 at 6:38am

after having read several comments, the common thread of complaint about others, that i've noticed, is their hasty, and hurtful, remarks. we wonder why in the world would someone say something so ignorant? so foolish? and so penetrating?

pride is the most original sin, not disobedience. pride is a mind-state that allows its host to be convinced that he knows everything, or is entirely self-sufficient. no man, past or present, save one, is or has been omniscient. this, then, is a dangerous, and all to common, disease of the mind.

pride comes before disobedience. how can we love our neighbor as ourselves if we don't even truly know who we are? if we do not see ourselves through His eyes, we will never understand that pride is futile. pride is death. pride is limitation. first we must realize how big He really is and how small we truly are. when we put things in perspective, we realize His love. with His love comes healing. Christ was not just a wise man, not just a substitute or payment...He came as a baby, just as we. He lived just as you and me. Jesus knows where you are. Jesus knows how you feel. Christ is your friend

31 | Left by Joshua | Aug. 10, 2009 at 10:16pm

i am 15 years old and have been struggling with self harm for 3 years. i recently decided to actually take action and stop myself from cutting. it's only been about a week, but let me tell you, this has been the hardest week i've ever experienced. the urge is constant and i find myself begging my mind to let me do it just one more time. when i watched this episode of the real world i started to see the light and realize that what i was doing was the worst possible way to deal with my emotional pain. i just want to thank MTV for putting this issue out for everyone to see. it's a serious matter and everyone struggling with it (like myself and ayiiia) need help and support. simply having someone to talk to can make the biggest defference. so thank you MTV and TWLOHA for showing the world that self harm is real and not just a way to get attention.

<3 vicki

32 | Left by Vicki | Aug. 11, 2009 at 4:18pm

I tried to kill myself when I was 15. I have lost count of all my scars and burns. I wish there had been an organization like this one back then.
Eight kids from my small-town high school have died in the last couple years from either suicide or substance-abuse related incidents. I wish they had known about this.

"To Write Love On Her Arms" is the most beautiful, perfect name for this organization. I can't even express to you how thankful I am that you guys are doing this.

33 | Left by Anon | Aug. 17, 2009 at 12:47am

ya gay all of you ya gay

34 | Left by Anon | Aug. 17, 2009 at 10:50pm

lol to the kid who failed

35 | Left by Anon | Aug. 17, 2009 at 10:51pm

i remember seeing this episode and it brought me all back . it was around november 2008 i got addicted to this website caled phonezoo. i started sending "dirty" pictures to guys id neer met. my dad found out in january that i was "dating" a guy named seth bell from phonezoo. i got my texting taken away... and i fell into a deep depression(not because of the phone) id thought about suicide and all that. and my mom and i where fighting like crazy. and id scream at her and cried like crazy. then i went downstairs and found a rzor and started slicing away...the pain felt so good. aand the blood made it better. i covered my wrists with ponytail holders and no one still know about it. i still cut and i am still quiet depressed . somedays i feel like killing myself fer reasons unexplainable.

36 | Left by tally | Aug. 26, 2009 at 2:49pm