To Write Love on Her Arms

PURPOSE FOR THE PAIN: New Video & Blog from Renee.

Aug. 1, 2008 at 4:53am

From Renee:
The entry below is taken from the first page in my book, Purpose for the Pain. It is the beginning of one of my first journals. Sitting here reflecting on where I was then, and where I am now, I hardly recognize the girl that wrote these words…

Scratch and Dent Sale ('03)

I handed you the key to let you in
You never told me you wouldn't
Leave anything standing
(You left nothing standing)
You trashed everything and
Took all that I had
The sad thing is I would have
Given it to you if you asked
(Why didn't you ask)?
So now I sit here amidst the rubble
And I think that I blend in
My heart broken- in pieces
Scattered meaninglessly across the floor
A pathetic trail that leads only to you
(And I won't follow)
And I'm damaged goods
Mark the price down
Red line sale- fifty percent off
(Cause no one buys)
Who will want me now?
But go ahead to your trophy room and add one more to your collection
Another check on your pricy
Shopping list- and now on to the next item…
(Is that all I am?)

…It's hard for me to recall where I was then, timelines, sequence of events, details…they all blur together for me. I do remember that I was used and abused, willingly and wrongfully, then tossed aside. If He, or She, wasn't hurting me, then I was. I had taken all of my insecurities and allowed everyone and anyone to reinforce the thoughts and names I had given myself. I longed for justice, for redemption, but it was such a foreign concept…

I look at my life now, at the wounds that have healed, and the scars left behind, and I realize how far I have come in the past few years. Today I don't view myself as devalued, I am not "leftovers" for someone to pick through. I have fought to value myself, first and foremost, and in turn, have learned how to value others as well.
For whatever reason, I have this odd analogy in my head, a picture of the girl that was, and the girl that is becoming.

I recently moved into a new home, and I bought a white rug for the living room floor. Well, naturally, since I loved it so much, my dog decided it would be a good idea to poop on it. Not just once, but multiple times. The pure white was spotted in dark smelly brown… the girl I was before would have compared it to her. I didn't know how to clean it. The old me would have given up, throw the rug away, felt like a failure and hated the dog. I felt lost and overwhelmed. It felt so symbolic. Except, this time around, the old me didn't have a voice loud enough to make me sit there in defeat. I acknowledged that I needed help, and a few days later I got my rug back, spotless and beautiful as ever. As if nothing ever happened…redemption. I choose to believe that nothing is beyond redemption today. As stupid as a rug may sound, it signifies so much more for me. The wounds and stains that have found their way into my heart, are slowly being cleansed. My heart is being made new. I would have never imagined the opportunities that have presented themselves in the past few years, or the people who have loved me along the way.

As scary as it is to put my journals out for the world to read, to let my heart be laid bare for all to see, it excites me to think that perhaps someone will journey through that process of healing with me in those pages, and maybe find a piece of themselves. A wound they identify with, a myth they believed about themselves, and hopefully, a tangible example that it is possible to come out on the other side. In my following blogs I will be pulling different pages from my book and giving some insight to where I was when I wrote them. I'm excited to share the insights I have gained and the wisdom that has been imparted to me, and the joy I have found in recovery. My journals have been described as " a slow drip", that hope we so fondly speak of, didn't just shine through all of my pain from day one, it gradually trickled through, it was a process. I can't say enough what a privilege it is to share what I have found with you.

Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Comments (16)

Will Purpose For The Pain be available in book stores at any point?

1 | Left by Jade | Sep. 13, 2008 at 2:10pm

I was inspired to write this as a tribute to your wondeful organization:

A Tribute:

In a world that forsakes and leaves us cold
A glimmer was sparked - a story to unfold
One lonely girl with a serious addiction
Was soon to become a walking contradiction

Her life held no meaning or shone no light
Vision disappeared inside the darkness of night
Deep inside, self preservation lived
Her will became focus, much left to give

Cocaine, pot and pills were her friends
Cutting hate in her arms, her amends
This tragic child abandoned by her choices
Gave herself over to more positive voices

One dark day of despondent depression
She gashed at her hated transgressions
On that day, friends covered her with hope
They filled her with spirit, sharing ways to cope

This desperate child inspired that day
A family of people offering a better way
A place of help that sprung from self-harm
Grew exponentially: To Write Love on Her Arms

2 | Left by Diana Johnson | Sep. 14, 2008 at 8:05pm

Renee:

Thank you SO much! Hope is something I need right now. I pre-ordered "Purpose For The Pain" two days ago, and I am looking forward to reading it. I can't thank you enough for doing everything you do!

3 | Left by Sharon | Sep. 18, 2008 at 3:49pm

I'm unable to pre-order this,but I'm hoping it'll come to bookstores in Singapore. PLEASE DO!!

4 | Left by Didi | Sep. 25, 2008 at 3:59am

Renee,
I just wanted to say thank you for voicing your story. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to buying your book tomorrow, I know it must be hard for you to but your private thoughts and feelings out into the world and I hope one day maybe I can do the same. Thank you for the inspiration.

5 | Left by Melissa | Sep. 25, 2008 at 5:37pm

Renee,
Keep fighting. I can't wait to read your book. I so wish I could be as strong as you are. Telling your stoy to so many people like this is amazing. Good luck with all that you are doing.

6 | Left by Katlyn | Sep. 27, 2008 at 8:29pm

I just found out about this organization through a friend of mine who had a benefit show for TWLOHA in Tarzana, CA last night. I feel your pain and how hard it is to over come everything your life gave you. Although my depression is not as high it still exist and I am working on fixing it. I believe in TWLOHA and what you are doing to help. It’s good to know that no one is alone. Good Luck with your Fight Renee and thank you for sharing your story with the world. It’s hard to do but with that selflessness you have given hope and life to every other broken heart in this world just with your words. You have showed us that redemption does exist, life exist, happiness exist, love really exist and overcoming are greatest obstacles is possible if you keep Hope. RESCUE IS POSSIBLE. Thank you.

Adri
MzLadybug

7 | Left by Adri | Oct. 5, 2008 at 8:57am

Renee,
I just recieved Purpose for the Pain two days ago through mail, and I can't put it down. It's so great, being able to read someone's story like that, but yet, it is so heartbreaking at the same time. People say that I am rather mature for my age to be handling this sort of thing, but really, it is just so easy to accept who people are. Thank you for putting your story in paperback, I'm sure so many people are going to be thanking you in the next few months. =)

8 | Left by Katy | Oct. 19, 2008 at 6:48pm

hey everybody, its just me steph. i want to say that ive delt with alot of stuff and i totally know wut your going through so hey! email me or something if you need someone to talk to

9 | Left by Stephanie | Oct. 20, 2008 at 12:05pm

Wow. Beautiful words from such a strong person. Renee I just want to let you know I, as well as many others, are so grateful you have decided to share your story. Living with an addiction is such a difficult thing and not many people have the love and support of the people around them. Many think what we do is just a way to get attention or feel important. It's nice to hear someone has been in our situation and found a way to defeat the voices that try to break us. Thank you soooo much.

10 | Left by Kristina | Oct. 25, 2008 at 4:13pm

Programs like this and people here to help others like myself is so good for this world. I am a recovering...well i'm recovering.

11 | Left by My_secret_upon_life | Oct. 29, 2008 at 7:09pm

There aren't really words for what your whole story has done for me. I was not at a good time in my life a couple months ago. Purpose for the Pain tour came to our church. After hearing to you speak and seeing a hundred people cry at once over your story, I decided to got the book. Through your words and redemption I was inspired to try and get help. Since then I have talked to one of my youth group leaders and two of my friends.I'm finding that I am over the miserable cycle of "to tell of not to tell". I know the temptation of my old vices very well and haven't reffered back to them. So all I can really say is thank you for making your story heard and giving me the inspiration to re-write mine.

12 | Left by Callie | Dec. 23, 2008 at 8:57am

Renee ; from what i've read +& heard about you have literally been through hell +& back ; +& you were strong every ounce of the way . Being that strong is a seriously a gift; its amazing the things you went through +& still today you have a smile on your face ; your strength amazes me ; +& having the courage to share your story with the world . you really are a hero ; i cant wait to read your book

13 | Left by Charlie | Apr. 23, 2009 at 7:48am

I remember the first time I ever looked at this website. It made me cry and I truly did want to be better. I'm still struggling with depression and self injury but when there are days that i think i can't make it, I just look at this website, listen to the songs and just let myself show my emotion. I feel better and I know that I can make it through just one more day. This organization is amazing and has helped me so much. I would be much worse if I had not found this. Renee is such an inspiration to me and I try to think, if she can do that, then so can I. She truly is a hero to me. I try and help others with their addictions, self injuring, and depression, but like Jacque always said; "Sometimes you need to take care of yourself and learn to love yourself." Thank you so much! I will always love this organization and it will always be in my heart.

14 | Left by Karina | Aug. 26, 2009 at 3:26pm

Heyy my name is melissa this book sounds amazing i would really like to read it but at the moment i cannot (no money. . . bummer) anyway sometime (hopefully in the near future) i will read it!

15 | Left by Melissa | Sep. 26, 2009 at 9:52pm

It's hard for me to recall where I was then, timelines, sequence of events, details…they all blur together for me. I do remember that I was used and abused, willingly and wrongfully, then tossed aside. If He, or She, wasn't hurting me.... These words you have wrote rings true for me too! All the years & lies the deceiver has enforced through my behavior to continue the abusive self doubt of who I am as aperson and in Christ. I am learning God has given me strength to stand up and fight back with the truth of his words. I am not my past, I am not a victim and in Christ I can have true ‘freedom’ and complete healing. God has instilled in me a strong desire to bring healing to our hurting youth. But, my complete healing needs to be finished and believed I have a purpose…. To serve God and be an example through healing my past too!
I have a niece who cuts on herself and her pain appears to be so silent! I pray for the hurting soul of those who don’t know how to reach out for help. Let us all pray for those hurting youth who need our prayers, guidance and a mentor to show them “GOD” is there “only” way to finding true healing.

Blessing to all who come across your powerful message that we are not alone! Thank you for baring your soul so others can find their own healing.
Christy

16 | Left by Anon | Jun. 18, 2010 at 10:52am

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