Thank You for ignoring the doctors when they told you to stop trying to have kids. 

Comments (3) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Today, we are saying goodbye to our Spring Interns. It's hard not to fall in love with a group of people that makes their Intern Director laugh so hard that she cries on just their third week in the office. From beginning the term with Heavy & Light to the elephant ears fiasco to seeing The Hunger Games at midnight in the second row at the theater, your term has been quite the adventure.

Krista, Hannah, Caitlin, and Savannah -- you have contributed so much to TWLOHA while you've been here. We have seen growth in UChapters, The Storytellers, and Here We Collide. You've answered hundreds of messages, sending hope to our supporters with each one. Thank you for sharing your time, hearts, and baked goods with us, and thank you for allowing us to be a part of your story.

--Emmi

Comments (2) | Posted in General by Emmi Scott

I was born into a legacy of bitterness.

One side of my family consists of a long line of women whose lives haven’t turned out quite as they had imagined. They might not say it outright, but they are angry, and they have been angry for a long time. They have been left by more men than they can count; fathers, husbands, and lovers have walked out of their lives without looking back, but not before doing some deep damage. They can’t seem to forget, and those memories have decayed into a sense of bitterness, which makes itself known through criticism, gossip, and broken relationships.

It’s exactly the kind of legacy no one wants to inherit.

I wondered for a long time if this legacy was mine to inherit too, just like the women before me had inherited it from their mothers and grandmothers. Never mind that I have an amazing father who chose to stay and to fight for me through the most difficult years of my life. Never mind that I am not prone to heartbreak. When a trait runs that strongly in your genes, it’s hard not to wonder if you will have it too, like blue eyes or a long nose. It begins to seem inevitable.

But then, that thing happened, the thing that threatened to give me my own list of “if only’s,” the event that threatened to toss me into a pit of bitterness without a means to climb back out. And in the brokenness, anger, and heartache that followed, I somehow decided that I didn’t want any part in this legacy of bitterness.

I chose to disinherit myself.

I chose to forgive.

Putting this decision into action hasn’t been the simplest thing I’ve ever done. Sometimes when your heart is smashed into a million pieces, you have to dig pretty deep to collect all of them again, and along the way, anger and bitterness and resentment rear their ugly heads and try to convince you that it will be easier to just give in to them.

And sometimes, that’s a pretty tempting idea.

Those are the days when you have to take a deep breath and choose, again, the path to forgiveness. And if that’s not enough, those are the days when you find someone who will help you want forgiveness, and you sit with them and cry about how unfair it all is until you settle down and realize that what you’re doing feels terrible and the forgiveness thing is just a better idea anyway.

And after enough days, and maybe months, of deciding again and again to forgive, it suddenly becomes easy. And you’re finally not angry any longer.

Here’s the thing: harboring bitterness against someone else ultimately doesn’t affect them very much. But it could destroy you. That bitterness will seep into your thoughts, words, and actions, and it will affect your relationships with the people you love. So, forgive—if not for them, then for you.

In the end, no matter how your plans turn out, no matter how others treat you, you get to choose what your life looks like. I’m choosing fullness, joy, and forgiveness.

It’s a legacy that I hope will live on for many, many years.

Comments (15) | Posted in General, Journal by Emmi Scott

Despite being the Benefit Coordinator, 90% of the time I never meet people who plan benefits for TWLOHA. But sometimes I do. As I stepped off the plane at Cincinnati Airport (which is in Kentucky, I discovered), I was very excited for the chance to visit 2 new states, our fall intern Lindsey who helped with the event, and also for the rare opportunity to meet the benefit organizers of Fashion for the Cure.

Fashion for the Cure is an annual fashion show at a high school in Cincinnati, Ohio. It was in its sixth year of existence, but this year is the first time it benefited  TWLOHA along with the local chapter of American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

I first got an email from Tricia, one of the co-organizers, way back in July 2011 and was immediately blown away by the level of advance planning and her attention to detail. After corresponding with their advisor quite a few times, we set the plan for my arrival. Months later, the day was finally here.

We arrived at the school around 3p.m., giving us 3 hours of set up time before the doors opened. The raffles were set up, decorations were hung, and there was a nervous but good energy throughout the room and the planning team. I noticed the banners -- quotes from our vision, displayed for all to see. “The vision is hope, and hope is real.” I was inspired by how clearly these girls and the parent volunteers embodied that message. They were fighting to spread hope and to break the silence that surrounded suicide at their school.

Standing in the room setting up our table, I was struck by the memory of the first experience that set me on the path that led me to this moment. Haley and Tricia reminded me of me -- when I was in high school, I was on the executive team for planning a similar benefit to spread hope in a different way.

Almost exactly 5 years later, I still clearly remember setting up for that event, all the hours upon hours of time that went into preparations and details. At 17, I had the privilege of sharing a positive message with my community, and now I had the experience of watching a new generation of high school seniors do the same. There are a lot of people who don’t take high school students seriously, but I can tell you first-hand that Fashion for the Cure is just one example of the many, many wonderful events I’ve seen planned primarily by high school students. I am impressed every single time.

There were over 500 people at Fashion for the Cure that night. It was by far the largest and most profitable benefit ever hosted for TWLOHA, raising more than $25,000 in just one night, half going to TWLOHA and the other half to AFSP. Regardless of the numbers, the thing I was most impressed with was the speech given by one of the students.

He just got up on stage in front of all those people and told his story, honest and true. He had struggled with suicide and many other things, he said, eventually spending six months in an in-patient treatment facility. He was fortunate, he noted, to have had the support of his parents, counselors, and friends; not everyone is that lucky, he told us, which is why it was important to talk about these issues and let people know that hope and help are real. Nothing I said that night, nothing the AFSP psychiatrist said, could have possibly been more powerful and important than what this young guy in high school said. I didn’t get the chance to meet him, but I am truly privileged to have been in that room and heard his words.

Supporter hosted benefits like Fashion for the Cure financially support the other programs of TWLOHA, while also bringing awareness to communities throughout the country and throughout the world. They’ve taken the shape of fashion shows, concerts, art exhibits, 5K Walk/Runs, penny drives, friendship bracelet sales, bake sales, and more. I’ve had the honor of working with more than 117 organizers and their benefits since I started at TWLOHA part-time just over a year ago, with another 20 or so in the works right now.

Every day I hear the most amazing stories of why people have chosen to begin to fundraise for us and why it’s important to them that the message of hope reach their community. If you’re thinking about hosting a benefit for TWLOHA, or want more information, I’d love to hear from you, too! Please email benefit@twloha.com, and tell me what you're thinking, how you want to bring our story to your community. We list all events on our Events to Benefit TWLOHA page on Facebook -- come “like” us to find out about upcoming benefits in your area!

Five years ago, running around organizing my own fundraiser as a high school student, I never thought that one event would bring my heart so close to fundraising and event planning that it became my job. Consider hosting a benefit and maybe you’ll surprise yourself, too.

With Love,
Danielle

Comments (2) | Posted in General, Journal by Danielle Cantarella

Depression is a fickle foe. Just when you think you are past your struggle, it can pull you back down harder and faster than it did the first time. But there is hope. There is always hope. It comes in the form of people around you, professional help, and sometimes even the encouragement of strangers.

Last October, we posted a blog about Hyperbole and a Half creator Allie Brosh and her post "Adventures in Depression," where she takes readers along her struggle with depression that seemed to come out of nowhere for her. Pairing hilarious illustrations with her struggle, she amusingly and truthfully tells what it was like for her to experience this sudden feeling of self-hate. At the end of her post, you could be left thinking all is better and that she was back to her daily routine.

But.

"Adventures in Depression" still remains to be Allie's most recent update on the site, which has left many fans and supporters wondering where she has been and how she was doing. The question was posted on Reddit.com three weeks ago, and after five months of online silence, Allie gave an update. The ending of "Adventures in Depression" wasn't the end of her struggle with depression. In her post on Reddit, Allie shares about the place she was during the time of that post, the good and bad days, seeking help, finding support from the people in her life, and even an appreciation to everyone who has shared kind words, their stories, and any bit of encouragement they could give.

Perhaps the most telling piece of her journey was when she finally realized she didn't have to fight her battle alone. Allie came to a place where she decided she needed to talk to someone. Or a few someones. That's my hope for anyone who is struggling with depression or any of the issues we talk about. You are allowed to feel the way you feel, and you are allowed to get help.

All the best,
Chris

Comments (0) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

“Are you . . . sad?” Michael asked, confused.

We were on our way to go trout fishing on the banks of the Little River in Floyd, Virginia. It was a cold day in November in 2003, and I was driving my old Volvo, heat turned up high. The windshield had begun to fog over, and Michael searched my car for a napkin to wipe the condensation from the inside. As he opened up my glove box, my anti-depressants slipped from their hiding place and fell into his lap. Even though the car was comfortably warm and I was wearing my heavy jacket, a chill ran up my spine.

Michael was my boyfriend and had been for a while. He lived across the hall from me, and we met in the laundry room one night when he offered me a quarter when I found myself short. I knew him like the back of my hand, and he knew me better than I knew myself at times.

I trusted Michael with my life.

It was fair for him to be confused. His seemingly happy girlfriend was hiding anti-depressants in her car and made a daily trek to the lower parking lot to treat her depression. I had never told him about my struggles with depression and anxiety. I didn’t tell him that at one time in my life I had intentionally hurt myself and that I hadn't wanted to live anymore. I refused to let him see me as broken. I feared what would happen if he ever found out. Would he be angry? Embarrassed? Mean? Would he walk away from the relationship we built? I felt guilty for being so sad when he made me so happy. I felt ashamed of the thoughts that plagued my mind day in and out. My heart hurt to think of how my pain could somehow hurt him. I felt so alone.

That day I allowed myself to open up to Michael in a way I never had before. We pulled off the road, and as we fished, he asked me questions, and I was honest with him. I let the walls that I had so carefully crafted over the years crumble and fall around me. Michael didn’t understand my struggles personally, but he supported me in a way I never expected. He still loved me and cared for me, and he let me know that he was there for me.  That I wasn’t alone. I had found an ally to be my support in a time that was very dark. I was a sophomore at Radford University and searching for someone to understand.

My story is not unique. 10% of college students have been diagnosed with depression, the majority of which never seek treatment. There are so many others who go undiagnosed and struggle in a dark silence. 1,100 college students die by suicide every year, and 1 in 12 have created a suicide plan. Chances are, at least 2 people in your English 101 class are struggling with a mental health issue, if not more. Perhaps they are also looking for someone to understand.

I have been working with University Chapters since I started with TWLOHA in September 2009. I came in as an intern as the program launched its first 15 chapters. I watched as light began to spread across these college campuses. People were beginning to talk about mental health. Students began to come clean about their struggles. Communities of hope and support were formed on campuses across the country. Suddenly, those who were hurting weren’t so alone anymore.

And as the years have passed, I have watched 72 chapters launch, all along the east coast, into the Midwest, onto the west coast, and into Canada. We even started our first international chapter in New Zealand as a test to see how far this program can extend. Each of our student leaders is passionate, dedicated, and engaged in the program. I’m humbled every day by their willingness to be vulnerable on their campus. To start a conversation about topics that were once deeply hidden, and in some cases still are. They are touching thousands of lives.



That’s why I am excited to announce our first ever TWLOHA University Chapters Summer Conference. This conference will combine our two-day MOVE Community Conference with a two-day leadership training workshop designed to educate and inspire our leaders providing them with new resources, an opportunity to collaborate and network with other chapter leaders, and a chance to work one-on-one with TWLOHA staff. We’re also extending an invitation to student leaders interested in forming a chapter on their campus to join us for this event to ensure they are fully equipped and ready to launch their own chapter. Our hope is to continue the conversation that has been started, to allow our leaders to touch even more lives and to squelch the stigmas associated with mental health on college campuses.

To learn more about the TWLOHA University Chapters Summer Conference 2012, please click here. Please be sure to read all of the information before registering for the event. Space is limited, so we have had to tightly control who is able to attend. Our hope is to see this conference become a strong resource for our chapters and allow it to grow to a larger space for next year to allow more chapter members to attend.

This is the next big step for this program, and we couldn’t be more excited. We truly appreciate all of the support our chapters have given us over the last two and a half years and are inspired to keep growing the program.

My personal hope for the program and the conference is that no one else has to struggle in silence. That no one else has to hide their pain in the glove box of their car.

--Holly

Comments (4) | Posted in General by Holly Hallum

From Johnny Cash to Coldplay to Jon Foreman, TWLOHA founder Jamie Tworkowski reflects on the surprising birth of the TWLOHA t-shirt.

Comments (16) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

I remember the day the phone rang.

I was in a loud restaurant eating lunch with my friend Kelly. We were visiting a friend. Life was simple then. I was just home for the summer, working and saving money so I could head back to Florida State University for the fall term.

It was my friend Ashley on the other line.

She asked what I was doing. I responded, and she said that I should just call her back when I got home. However, I knew something was wrong. I’ve had one too many conversations with her to know when she was covering something up. I pushed her for about a minute to just tell me, and then, in an instant, everything changed. 

“Josh is dead,” she said. “Josh is dead.”

She held strong for the first three words, but her voice cracked and faded when she repeated herself. A life of feeling indestructible had been ripped from me. I sat there silent, unsure of what to say, unsure of how to react. There are no rehearsals for these types of conversations. I remember thinking it couldn’t be true, that there must be some mistake, and thought to myself how could this happen. But none of these thoughts seemed to make it out of my mouth. I could hear Ashley crying on the other end of the phone. Josh was her ex-boyfriend and one of my best friends. 

Josh had moved to Sarasota a few years prior to live with his mom after life with his dad in our hometown became too difficult. With his dad, there were fights and drugs and jail time. I didn’t know how to handle any of this. My parents were happily married, and the idea of drugs and jail time was foreign to me.

I didn’t know what to do, but I did what I could.

My mom and I did his laundry. Lindsay and I picked him up for school. We talked about the future and how someday this would all fade, how life for Josh would get easier. We talked about marriage and children and our dreams. He was probably considered as part of the “bad crowd” at school, but I didn’t care. He never tempted me to do anything wrong, and he would do anything for me. 

Over time, he made the decision to live with his mom again. It was a tearful goodbye outside of his dad’s house. Josh didn’t have a car so the chances of “See you soon” were slim to none. We kept in touch, but we didn’t email or text. Josh liked to write handwritten letters and draw pictures. I saved them all because the pictures were so funny -- not because I thought someday soon they would be put into a memorial box. 

Not long before Josh passed away, he called Ashley. He told her life in Sarasota wasn’t working out. He said he was spiraling out of control, using and needed to come back and live with his Dad. Three weeks later, Josh died of a drug overdose. This thought haunts me to this day. 

On the phone, my silence turned to tears and then quickly turned to anger. He knew deep down he didn’t want to live the way he was living. We watched him live it.  We were good influences but only in certain moments. I wished instantly he had moved home the weekend he said he wanted to. I wished that I had done more. I knew what he was doing was destructive to himself. I was “there for him,” but I didn’t do anything more than that. He battled the demons of his childhood and shared a one-bedroom house with his alcoholic father for years. The house reeked of mold and pot, and yet some of the best conversations I ever had were there. The scary thing is that this scenario was healthier than the one he faced while living with his mom. 

I write all this to tell you that I would give anything to change the past, to have one more conversation, one more day with Josh. This won’t ever happen. And you may not know Josh, but I do know this:  there is a big chance you know a Josh. Maybe you are Josh. Either way, you are breathing, living, reading these words, reflecting on the life that led you here.

This life may bring you more pain than you know what to do with. Sometimes it might include carrying the pain of others. No matter what it looks like, use your voice. Speak up and out. Do you need help? Is there someone who needs your help? Whether it’s a push to get out of bed today, an encouragement to say no to those voices, or enough drive to reach out to someone, I hope you will. I hope you will fight. For them and for yourself.

You are part of this life for a reason. Your reason may look different than mine, but we are important. You are important. Never let yourself forget it.

--Jessica

Comments (26) | Posted in General, Journal by Jessica Haley

Comments (48) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

The first TWLOHA shirt was worn on March 30, 2006. My friend Jon Foreman sings in the band Switchfoot and he wore it on stage at a Switchfoot concert at Florida Atlantic University.

Back then, it was simply an attempt to help a friend and tell a story. i wondered if we could sell some t-shirts to help pay for Renee's treatment, and i wondered if people might be encouraged and challenged by her story. There were no thoughts of a charity or a movement or a movie. We didn't have a booth set up at the concert. We didn't have information to give people, but people found their way to the MySpace page - it was 2006 and people were excited about MySpace. People read the story there. People left comments and sent messages, asking for help and how to help friends.

All of it became a bigger thing, and the t-shirts had so much to do with that. Suddenly, it was about more than simply raising money. It was about questions and conversations, giving people the chance to tell their story and trying to help people believe that their story mattered.

We have heard incredible stories of moments sparked by the question, "What does your shirt mean?" or "Why do you wear that?" or "Is that a band?" And the thing we love about those moments was not so much that you got to tell our story. We love that you got to tell your story. We loved that it was a chance to be brave and break the silence, to talk about things people don't talk about.

In honor of sharing stories, we created a series of short interviews asking why people wear TWLOHA. We'll be sharing new videos over the next couple of weeks, but we want to hear from you as well. What is your hope when you walk out of your door wearing a shirt or a bracelet? We want to know why you wear TWLOHA. You can tell us by uploading your own video or using the #wearTWLOHA hashtag on Twitter. This will lead up to March 30 when you're invited to wear a TWLOHA shirt and join us in celebrating six years of stories.



We celebrate people still fighting for their stories. We celebrate people choosing to stay alive and people choosing not to live alone. We know that some people wear TWLOHA in honor of someone they loved and lost. We join you in remembering, and we say you're not alone in your pain. 

Life is many things. Pain and hope and fears and dreams. On March 30, we pause to remember where we came from and to smile at where we're going. And to say once again, that we do not go alone, for people need other people.

If you wear the shirt and someone asks about it, we hope it's a chance to tell them our story. But we hope even more that it's a chance to tell them yours. And maybe that leads to a moment where they begin to tell you theirs, or maybe just a moment to believe that theirs does matter.

Thank You for caring about people.
Thank You for wearing TWLOHA.
We're all in this together.

Peace to You.
jamie

PS: We also celebrate our friend Renee Yohe and invite you to support her dream of doing music professionally. All of this started with Renee's story, and we celebrate the fact that it's a story still going. We invite you to support Renee's band Bearcat.

Comments (38) | Posted in General, Merch by jamie tworkowski

This week, February 26 through March 3, is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. It's about bringing public attention to eating disorders and the prominent impact they have in our society. Because eating disorders are often accompanied by isolation and shame, the seriousness of these life-threatening illnesses regularly goes unnoticed. This year’s theme for NEDAwareness Week is "Everybody Knows Somebody." With up to 70 million people affected worldwide by eating disorders, the theme is very relevant to the prevalence of eating disorders in our society.

On Saturday, March 3rd, along with others from the TWLOHA team, I will be taking part in a NEDA Walk, coordinated by the Eating Disorders Network of Central Florida. Everyone who attends will be walking for a different reason, and for me, my reason hits extremely close to home.

I will be walking for myself. For all of my friends I have met in treatment. For everyone who has struggled, is struggling, or will struggle with an eating disorder.

Life with an eating disorder has not been easy. It has been a long and winding road full of obstacles, speed bumps, and brief times of clear sailing. I have spent countless hours sitting across from dozens of counselors and doctors, discussing life as it is in the moment. I have lived under the abusive control of my eating disorder. I have known the sweet taste of recovery. More often than not, I have experienced the bittersweet reality of living on the fence of ambivalence.

Sometimes I think I should be farther along in my progress. But these unrealistic expectations and “shoulds” often set me back more than help me move forward. All that is to say that I am right where I am supposed to be; right here, right now. While even this is often easier said than done, the important thing to remember is that it can be done. And with constant persistence and support, it will be done.

So I will continue to fight.

I will eat my next meal. I will turn to my list of healthy coping skills to get through the challenging times and difficult thoughts. And I will lean on my friends and family for love and support. Whether I believe it or not in the moment, I will at least acknowledge and hear them when they remind me that I am Nichole. I am not my eating disorder. I am important, and I have a story worth living and sharing.

And so do you. You are the sum of your successes, failures, pain, joy, past, present, and future -- not just one of these things, but all of them added together. They are what make you special and unique. They are what make you you.

Whether or not you can relate to what it is like to struggle with an eating disorder, I encourage you to treat yourself with at least one form of self-care today. Set aside twenty minutes to journal. Go for a walk to clear your mind. Listen to music. Play a video game with a friend. Learn something new. Self-care is vital, yet it is often pushed aside. But making time for it is worth it. This battle is worth fighting. Your life is worth living.

Being part of the NEDA Walk this Saturday is my way of continuing to take steps forward in my recovery and living life one moment at a time.

What steps will you choose to take?

With Hope,
Nichole

Comments (61) | Posted in General by Nichole Engel

Confession: During my first four months on staff at TWLOHA, I mostly cried when I wasn’t at work.

(And, sometimes, even when I was.)

It wasn’t TWLOHA’s fault that I wasn’t okay. I should have been perfectly happy: I had a job in a difficult economy; I worked for a cause I believed in; I had people who loved me back home and people around me who were ready to continue the friendships I started during my internship. I shouldn’t be allowed to be hurting or upset, I told myself. I should be grateful for what I had.

I locked myself up with my expectations to steep in unhappiness. And I cried about it because I wasn’t who I thought I should be, feeling what I thought I should feel.

When I try to think about just what the hell was wrong with me during those first four months on staff, a few things come to mind.

1. I was in a transition, and I don’t do transition so well. Change is hard, and settling in requires grace. I didn’t know how to give that to myself yet.

2. I wasn’t sure I made the right choice in moving away from my community at home, and missing them was like a physical ache.

3. I was in a position at work that was born from necessity but not really on sure footing yet, so my schedule didn’t have the structure to which I was accustomed.

I didn’t choose to feel these things, and yet they are shining truths of that season.

Things changed in May. I traveled to New York for my first TWLOHA event and connected our mission with faces and names. When I returned to Florida, I started training the interns to answer messages, the desire to share my passion for words and empathy finally fulfilled at work. I moved into The Yellow House with new roommates. I threw the notions of “I should feel” and “I don’t deserve” in the trash and reached for “This is the truth of right now” and “It’s okay not to be okay.” I took space for me and read books to soothe my soul. I sat on my front porch until all hours of the night talking about everything and trying not to laugh loud enough to wake the neighbors. I made sure distance didn’t dissolve the community I loved back in North Carolina.

And I gave myself permission—to leave, to stay, to feel whatever I was feeling.

Something I love about music, and all art really, is the meaning of it is actually up to the person experiencing it. When I listen to this year’s HEAVY AND LIGHT Encore, it’s impossible for me not to move back and forth with the melody when they sing, “Any day now, any day now, I shall be released.” Those few lines make me think about the prisons we keep ourselves in. Although it takes my mind first to prisons, the song doesn’t leave me there. When Abby plays her solo on the violin, her bow across the strings is like a breaking of chains for me.

Yes, I shall be released, and I have the power to release myself.
I don’t have to be trapped.

I have a choice,
and I choose to be free.



--whitney

Comments (12) | Posted in General, Music by Whitney Wilson

"Hope Goes Surfing" is TWLOHA's campaign to bring a message of hope, help and recovery to the surfing community. 

************************************************************************
i am a surfer. i am the son of a surfer and so i fell in love with surfing and with the brands that make up the surf industry. In high school, i worked at a local surf shop and then for Quiksilver and then for Hurley, before leaving to work on TWLOHA full-time in the summer of 2006. 

Surfing is Home for me in many ways. It shows up when i look back on so many of my favorite memories, my favorite places and days. And it's how i've gotten to know a lot of my favorite people as well. Most of my best friends are surfers. And in a way that's sort of hard to explain, Surfing has been a friend to me, a place to go to think or not think, to let go, and to be myself. i am a surfer and so i feel like myself when i go surfing. 

Recently, to launch "Hope Goes Surfing," we sent out a press release to the surf media. The release reads hopefully less like a press release and more like a letter... If you're not a surfer, some of the words will probably be foreign, but the heart of the matter is that we have the unique opportunity, because of history and relationships and where TWLOHA is at now, to bring our message to this specific group of people. 

We share our message of hope, help and recovery in creative ways. We do this online, in the context of music via tours and shows and festivals, and on college campuses and high schools across America and beyond. We share it at coffee shops and churches and conferences. This is simply another place, another people, to bring our message to. Our message is for people and so we love to go where people go.

Below is the "Hope Goes Surfing" release and video that went out a few days ago. We wanted to share them here as well. The surfer referenced and in the photo and video below is CJ Hobgood. CJ is one of my best friends. We graduated high school together and he happens to be one of the best surfers in the world, the equivalent of an All-Star in the NBA or Major League Baseball. He competes at the highest level of competition as a professional surfer and because of his talent and history and reputation, he has a unique degree of influence in the surfing world.



“With TWLOHA, we're trying to do something that feels really different and really important. I'm taking a chance on them and they're taking a chance on me, but it's because we believe we have the chance to build something pretty special." - CJ Hobgood

"This is a whole new formula and way to bring a support mechanism for a sponsored athlete and raise awareness about a charity and its outreach.  I'm really happy for CJ and Jamie in putting this plan together.  It's a lot deeper than a sponsorship going back into many years of friendship. Knowing both of these guys, this doesn't surprise me at all." - Kelly Slater, 11x Surfing World Champion

In 2011, CJ Hobgood fell off tour for the first time in 12 years. He was invited to compete at Trestles but didn’t go. He went to the Azores and won. He went to France and hurt his knee on his first wave. He spent the next month watching webcasts and, in his words, “falling back in love with surfing.” He went to Hawaii and requalified.

C.J. is excited to be back on tour in 2012 and we’re excited to go with him on that journey. TWLOHA is thrilled to be CJ’s main sponsor, thrilled that he will be bringing our message of hope and help to surfers around the world. And on the simple note of surfing, we’re proud to release this video of CJ doing his thing, a couple weeks ago in Central America. 



We’re big fans of comebacks. It’s at the heart of our message. TWLOHA is a few things at once – we’re a charity as well as a brand - but those things happened by accident. This started with a story. It was a story about starting over, and an attempt to help one friend in her battle with addiction and depression. We were blown away by the response – messages from people across the planet telling us that the story we were telling was also their story.

Over the last five years, we’ve learned that millions of people struggle with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. And we’ve learned that most of those people feel like they’re not allowed to talk about it. As people we all experience pain. We lose things, and we run into some really big questions in this life. The true purpose of this press release is to say that it’s okay to be honest.

We believe that people need other people. We believe it’s okay to ask for help. We believe that great help exists, and we say that on behalf of the thousands of people all over the world who are finding hope and help, people sitting across from a counselor for the first time, people calling crisis hotlines, people stepping into treatment.

We’ve seen amazing doors open over the last five years. From our favorite bands supporting us to our favorite magazines telling our story to winning awards on national television. But for me personally, surfing is home. It’s where I grew up and it’s still my favorite thing. The heart of the matter is this: We’ve seen people literally choose to stay alive. We’ve seen people find sobriety. “Hope Goes Surfing” is simply about seeing those things happen in the surf community. CJ is going to play a big part in that and it’s our hope that you might come with us as well.

Peace to You.
jamie

PS: "Hope Goes Surfing" shirts are now available in the TWLOHA Online Store. 

PS2: We also made a couple dozen of these special GOLD COAST / GO CJ hats, to celebrate the launch of "Hope Goes Surfing" as CJ competes in the first major pro event of the year, the Quiksilver Pro at Snapper Rocks in Queensland, Australia, at the end of this month.

Comments (7) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Our relationship with Anthony Raneri goes back to 2007 and Anberlin's "Cities" U.S. Tour. Anthony's band Bayside was part of that tour and we got to know him over seven weeks on the road. He has been a friend and supporter ever since. We created this shirt to celebrate the release of Anthony's solo EP "New Cathedrals." "It hasn't always been this way" is a lyric from his song "The Ballad of Bill the Saint." i'm super excited that Anthony and his songs will be in the mix at the TWLOHA events at York College of PA and Cornell University next week. i'm looking forward to being back on the road with my friend.

This shirt is now available in the TWLOHA Online Store.

Comments (2) | Posted in General, Merch, Music by jamie tworkowski

A few years ago, when I was in college, I wanted to work at TWLOHA.  I dreamed of a life sleeping in a van or bus, traveling around the country telling people about this vision I believed in.  Then, I arrived, and my job wasn’t really about traveling at all.  I also learned I’m not really designed for being on tour; it is a life of movement, and I am actually a fan of being still.

But sometimes, I get to represent TWLOHA outside of our small Florida town.  Like a couple weeks ago when I went with Jessica to California to visit four organizations and counseling centers.  It’s really important to us to create and sustain a relationship with the organizations and counseling centers we recommend to our supporters.  We hear from people working with resources, and we were very fortunate that last year, four separate centers in California reached out.  I worked with them for months to organize a trip where we could visit all four places in just a few days to get a sense of the work they do and who they are as teams.

I should tell you about the amazing people I met, people who are changing the world with the care they are providing on the west coast.  I should talk about how I met a couple of people who are a part of TWLOHA’s story, people I have heard about for years and finally met in real life.  I should explain how awesome it was to travel with Jessica, who understands when I need to just read a book and not talk to anyone.  I should detail my love for California’s mountains and how its slightly cold weather made a smile spread across my face and stay.  I should tell you about the peace I felt looking out at the Pacific for the first time in my twenty-four years, the quiet way the wind whipped around, and how grateful I was just to be breathing.

But this what I want to share:  “Home is: where I will lay my bones when I die.”

I saw this quote at A Home Within, the first organization we visited.  It was on the first page on an art book, with “Home is:” as a prompt at the top, and there were several sentences that followed that line, scrawled by a child in the foster system, whose age I don’t know and whose face I will never see but whose words stayed with me all the same.

I was reminded that we bring our lives, memories and baggage and aches and chances and expectations, to the table when we color in the lines and add definition to our stories. What would the world look like if we encouraged the differences and appreciated them in each other?  If we made an effort to look at the world from a perspective we may not understand at first?

I don’t know what it’s like to be switched around from family to family without feeling like I belong to one or becoming attached to people only to be taken away from them without warning.  I don’t know what it’s like to live in a group home with other kids who are in the system.  I don’t know what it is to live a life of movement with change an ever-present reality on the horizon.

But I know what it’s like to long for home, a place to feel rooted and safe.

That’s the beginning, this tiny common ground, a small overlap, a thread that connects my story to this stranger’s story, a signpost to remember to share grace.  I am a fan of being still, but these moments on the road are some of my favorite TWLOHA memories, the moments when I remember that sometimes our stories run together.  Thank you, California, for letting yours run into mine.

--whitney

Comments (7) | Posted in General, Journal by Whitney Wilson

In a world where many people wear masks as a way to feel safe, honesty is sometimes hard to find, especially in the world of social media where we can paint our masks carefully. We allow people to see only what we want them to see, except when we have the courage to be vulnerable. Jenny Lawson (aka The Bloggess) writes with such boldness, telling a part of her story with honesty because she believes it's a part of healing. We hope the words below give an invitation for you to do the same.

----

If you follow me on twitter you already know that I’ve been battling off one of the most severe bouts of depression I’ve ever had. Yesterday it started to pass, and for the first time in weeks I cried with relief instead of with hopelessness. Depression can be crippling, and deadly. I’m lucky that it’s a rare thing for me, and that I have a support system to lean on. I’m lucky that I’ve learned that depression lies to you, and that you should never listen to it, in spite of how persuasive it is at the time.

When cancer sufferers fight, recover, and go into remission we laud their bravery. We call them survivors. Because they are.

When depression sufferers fight, recover and go into remission we seldom even know, simply because so many suffer in the dark…ashamed to admit something they see as a personal weakness…afraid that people will worry, and more afraid that they won’t. We find ourselves unable to do anything but cling to the couch and force ourselves to breathe.

When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive. We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker…but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand.

Regardless, today I feel proud.  I survived.  And I celebrate every one of you reading this. I celebrate the fact that you’ve fought your battle and continue to win. I celebrate the fact that you may not understand the battle, but you pick up the baton dropped by someone you love until they can carry it again. I celebrate the fact that each time we go through this, we get a little stronger. We learn new tricks on the battlefield. We learn them in terrible ways, but we use them. We don’t struggle in vain.

We win.

We are alive.

Comments (236) | Posted in General by Jenny Lawson

For the second year in a row, TWLOHA was chosen as the featured charity for the Secret Rooms Golden Globes Gifting Suite. Chloe and I were able to introduce TWLOHA to the celebrities who attended and ask them to be a part of our Fears vs. Dreams Campaign, and thanks to our awesome photographer Jered Scott, we have photos to share with you.

No matter what someone's social status may be, at the end of the day, celebrities are people like us, humans who struggle with an array of different things. Admitting what scares us or what makes us feel alive might be intimidating or embarrassing, but there is power and strength in owning who we are. We're thankful for the attendees who were willing to share their fears and dreams.  May reading them be a reminder that grace is free and everyone deserves it.

--Katie

Comments (1) | Posted in General by Katie Nakken

At the end of our HEAVY AND LIGHT intro video, the crowd stood looking toward the stage, expecting the curtain to open to the first song of the night. Instead? An invitation from a very special poet in the balcony.





Did you know we collaborated with Anis on this special shirt based on another one of his poems? The words to "Shake the Dust" are printed inside the shirt. Watch Anis perform the poem at HEAVY AND LIGHT 2010 by clicking HERE.

To view the shirt in the TWLOHA Online Store, click HERE.

Comments (7) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Did you know that we've released four new videos in the last two weeks? 

Comments (22) | Posted in General, Music by jamie tworkowski

Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.

The ball drops and fireworks. Resolutions are made.
People scream and people kiss and is it possible to change?
Is it really truly possible to leave the past behind?

Welcome to Midnight.

Another year comes to a close. Another year begins.
With a moment in between.
Why the fuss?
Why the fame and fireworks?
Is it more than hype? More than something else to sell us?
Is there something to this holiday? Something true inside it?
Because isn't there something inside us that aches for change...
Dreams it to be possible...
To let go.
To hold on.
To leave it behind.
To start again.
To be new.
Is it possible?

If you're reading this, if there's air in your lungs, then you're alive today tonight right now.
And who can know how long we have here...
And is it a gift? Was it ever a gift? Did that ever feel true or could that one day feel true?
Are there things to fight to live for?
Moments and people... Weddings and children and all your different dreams...
Love...
Is your life more than just your own?
And are there broken things you were made to fight to fix?
Broken families, broken friends... Injustice.
Will you move for things that matter?

Wouldn't it be nice if change took just a moment?
Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?
Midnight and we're new. Midnight and the past erased. Midnight and we're free.

It seems to come slow. It seems to be a surgery.
Forgiveness. Healing. Sobriety. Letting go. Starting over.
It seems to happen slowly over time.
One day at a time, the choice made new each morning.
Will you fight?
Will you fight to be healthy?
Will you fight to be free?
Will you fight for your story?
Will you fight to get the help you need?

Change takes more than a moment, but maybe there's also something to this celebration of a moment, something to the way it speaks to us, something to the way we fear it, and dream it to be true. Maybe it's the most honest moment of the year.

It's possible to change.

Welcome to Midnight.

Here's to the possibilities.

Peace to You.
jamie

PS: Join the conversation at #welcometomidnight on Twitter.

We're getting together a week from tonight to sing some songs and talk about it. You're invited.

Comments (121) | Posted in General, Music by jamie tworkowski

On October 1st, we started accepting applications for our first ever high school campaign The Storytellers. Below is Part Two of a blog from our coordinating team for The Storytellers. Katie shares a bit about a high school friend and why co-leading The Storytellers matters to her.  (To read Part One, click here.)

--

During my junior year of high school, I went to a basketball game with a group of friends. After the game, a bunch of us went to my friend Jessi's house. I had never talked to Nick before. I knew who he was, and we had friends in common, but our paths hadn’t crossed until that night. I spent the better part of the evening sitting on a couch, talking with and getting to know him. He was unbelievably genuine and incredibly funny.

It was the first and last conversation I’d have with Nick—six months later he died by suicide. I’ll never forget receiving that phone call just a few days before starting senior year. His death came as a surprise to everyone. I couldn’t piece together anything that made sense. Nick’s close friends knew there were some problems at home, but no one knew the deep loneliness he felt.

Losing him made me fully understand the concept of what’s going on in someone’s heart may not reflect what we see on the outside.

I’m passionate about The Storytellers because it’s a way to encourage your friends and classmates during a time that can be really difficult. It’s a starting point to a conversation that may otherwise never happen, a conversation that can change, and sometimes even save, a life. My hope for The Storytellers is that it helps high school students connect with each other beyond the superficial layers seen in the hallways.

—Katie

--

We believe in the power of high school students. You all have a voice that can change your communities. We hope you will join us for the first term of The Storytellers or pass this along to someone you know that might be interested (in case you’re not in high school anymore). 

The idea is simple: invite people who are passionate about TWLOHA, who have a unique platform every day of the school year, to tell our story.  You, the high school students, get to use your creativity to decide how to tell the story, and we give you the resources to raise awareness and funds for an organization that matters to you. 

Applications can be submitted here until January 15, 2012. The first term will begin on February 1, 2012 and conclude on May 15, 2012. You can find more specific information here. For any questions, please read our FAQ section, and if you don’t see an answer to your question there, please email thestorytellers@twloha.com. 

With Love,
Chloe and Katie

P.S. We’re proud to announce the first 85 high schools accepted into The Storytellers. Two countries and 30 states, as far as Alaska, are represented in the list below. 

Welcome, Storytellers. : ) 

North Mac High School
Mauston High School
Topsail High School
Gulf High School
The Visual and Performing Arts Center High School & Early College
Minarets High School
Western Reserve Academy
Bradford Area High School
Canyon Ridge High School
Eau Gallie High School
Buchholz High School
Regina High School
Hulett High School
Franklin Community High School
Alamogordo High School
Bluefield High School
Licking Heights High School
Soddy Daisy High School
Pueblo Central High School
George Washington High School
Hemet High School
Putnam County High School
Alvirne High School
West Islip High School
Andover High School
East Hall High School
Wrangell High School
Richmond High School
Coopersville High School
Dysart High School
Colorado High School
Lincoln Park Performing Arts Charter School
Marengo Community High School
Bergen County Academies
Morgan County High School
Decorah High School
Portal High School
Positive Outcomes Charter School
St. Elizabeth High School
Keith Country Day School
Mountain Vista High School
Greater Hartford Academy of the Arts
Kennett High School
River Hill High School
Perrysburgh High School
John Paul II Catholic High School
Felicity-Franklin High School
Hermitage High School
Charter School of Wilmington
Bloomfield High School
Milton High School
Mountain View High School
East Rutherford High School
Blue Valley Northwest High School
Cole Valley Christian High School
Oakville High School
Pinckney Community High School
Scranton High School
AlWood High School
Celebration High School
Sherman High School
South Sumter High School
Oklahoma Christian School
North Davidson High School
Western Branch High School
Methacon High School
Udall High School
Billerica Memorial High School
école Secondaire Cochrane High School
Mackenzie Mountain School
Central Collegiate
Delta Secondary School
Serrano High School
Camden County High School
The Athenian School
Woodland Regional High School
Sebring High School
Holy Trinity Episcopal Academy
Waterloo West High School
Benjamin Franklin High School
Lawton High School
SOAR High School
Sanborn Regional High School

Comments (11) | Posted in General by Katie Nakken

On October 1st, we started accepting applications for our first ever high school campaign The Storytellers. Below is Part One of a blog from our coordinating team for The Storytellers. Chloe shares a bit about her own high school experience and why she is so excited to co-lead the program.  Check back next Wednesday to hear from Katie.

--

My first day of high school was in August of 2001. I feel old just saying that, even though I’m only 24. Despite the fact that it has been a decade since I started high school and six years since I graduated, I can still remember what it felt like to be a high school student struggling with anxiety and depression. I remember how even with my close group of friends and loving family, I didn’t feel I could share with them what I was going through. I didn’t understand why I felt anxious and sad when, for the most part, my life was good. I had great grades, played sports, spent the majority of my free time with friends and family. I had a car, two jobs, and a boyfriend.

And yet I was uncomfortable in my own skin.

I was scared. Unsure. Frustrated. Confused.

I also didn’t know this was something a lot of other people were going through. For some people, high school is a place where they feel alive, flourish, and achieve. For others, it’s a struggle, a land of bullies and loneliness.

TWLOHA has answered thousands of messages from high school students over the years. There have been sad stories and happy stories. Our hearts have both ached and rejoiced. Your words motivated our team to create a program specifically for high school students. The Storytellers is important because it actively engages high school students to share their story, talk about the things often kept in secret, bring the TWLOHA message to their campus, and most importantly, live life with other people. I feel lucky to be a part of making those things a reality.

—Chloe

--

We believe in the power of high school students. You all have a voice that can change your communities. We hope you will join us for the first term of The Storytellers or pass this along to someone you know that might be interested (in case you’re not in high school anymore).

The idea is simple: invite people who are passionate about TWLOHA, who have a unique platform every day of the school year, to tell our story.  You, the high school students, get to use your creativity to decide how to tell the story, and we give you the resources to raise awareness and funds for an organization that matters to you.

Applications can be submitted here until January 15, 2012. The first term will begin on February 1, 2012 and conclude on May 15, 2012. You can find more specific information here. For any questions, please read our FAQ section, and if you don’t see an answer to your question there, please email thestorytellers@twloha.com.

With Love,
Chloe and Katie

P.S. We’re proud to announce the first 75 high schools accepted into The Storytellers. Two countries and 29 states, as far as Alaska, are represented in the list below.

Welcome, Storytellers. : )

North Mac High School
Mauston High School
Topsail High School
Gulf High School
The Visual and Performing Arts Center High School & Early College
Minarets High School
Western Reserve Academy
Bradford Area High School
Canyon Ridge High School
Eau Gallie High School
Buchholz High School
Regina High School
Hulett High School
Franklin Community High School
Alamogordo High School
Bluefield High School
Licking Heights High School
Soddy Daisy High School
Pueblo Central High School
George Washington High School
Hemet High School
Putnam County High School
Alvirne High School
West Islip High School
Andover High School
East Hall High School
Wrangell High School
Richmond High School
Coopersville High School
Dysart High School
Colorado High School
Lincoln Park Performing Arts Charter School
Marengo Community High School
Bergen County Academies
Morgan County High School
Decorah High School
Portal High School
Positive Outcomes Charter School
St. Elizabeth High School
Keith Country Day School
Mountain Vista High School
Greater Hartford Academy of the Arts
Kennett High School
River Hill High School
Perrysburgh High School
John Paul II Catholic High School
Felicity-Franklin High School
Hermitage High School
Charter School of Wilmington
Bloomfield High School
Milton High School
Mountain View High School
East Rutherford High School
Blue Valley Northwest High School
Cole Valley Christian High School
Oakville High School
Pinckney Community High School
Scranton High School
AlWood High School
Celebration High School
Sherman High School
South Sumter High School
Oklahoma Christian School
North Davidson High School
Western Branch High School
Methacon High School
Udall High School
Billerica Memorial High School
Serrano High School
Lewis and Clark High School
école Secondaire Cochrane High School
Mackenzie Mountain School
Central Collegiate
Delta Secondary School
Burnaby North Secondary School

Comments (18) | Posted in General, Journal by Chloe Grabanski

This weekend, the TWLOHA team said goodbye to a very special group of people. It’s hard to even know what to write about the Fall 2011 Interns leaving; their contribution to TWLOHA as an organization and to our team has been monumental. They walked with us through a major transition, moving our office from Cocoa to Melbourne; they were our nomad interns, living in three very different houses between August and December; they answered a total of 1,814 messages during their time here, sharing a message of hope each time they clicked “send.”

And they just helped us win a $1 million grant that will help provide countless individuals with hope and healing, as well as treatment and recovery.

The Fall Interns were arguably the most diverse group of interns TWLOHA has ever hosted. But even though the six of them grew up on four different continents, they put their hearts and souls into this idea of community that is so important to this internship, and they have created something entirely unique and special for themselves: a group of people that will fight for each other and continue to choose to do the hard work of loving one another. And they have the tools to take the principles of building healthy community back to their homes.

Thank you Raquel, Abi, Barry, Joel, Lindsey, and Jeung Hwa for spending these months with us. Our hearts break as you leave us, but we take joy in knowing that you have become a part of our TWLOHA family during your time here. Even as we say goodbye, we know that you are not leaving entirely. The effect you’ve had on us cannot be erased, and we’re definitely okay with that.

Emmi
Intern Program Director

Comments (2) | Posted in General, Journal by Emmi Scott

Four months ago, a 14 year-old named Jonah Mowry made a video. He wrote on index cards and held them in front of the camera, one after another, owning his words bravely for the world to see. The world is seeing it. The video is seemingly everywhere this week, and we think it's great. We are proud to share it with you.

Jonah is in eighth grade and no stranger to being bullied at school. He shares his journey through school, how bullying started in first grade and never stopped. There at the end, he acknowledges that things can't keep going the way they've been going, but his recognition doesn't imply defeat, rather it fuels his fight for his own story. He is stronger than giving up. He is worth more than giving up. He has a million reasons to live. In the dark, tangled up in his fears, Jonah seizes his own strength.

It is a hard road to find and hold on to the truths Jonah finds and holds in his video, and some of us don't know how to get to the strength locked within ourselves. And it is in this place that I'm reminded that we need each other, that hope and goodness and truth and love, definitely love, can change a life.

People need you.
You need people.

What would the world look like if we lived like we believe in that? What would the world look like if we helped each other find the strength locked up within us? If, instead of tearing each other down with hate, we built each up with truth and love?

What would happen if we simply used our words for kindness?

Your words have power, and the way you shape them matters. Use them carefully, and use them often.

Wishing you hope and grace.
whitney

Comments (42) | Posted in General by Whitney Wilson

You can vote once daily 12/1-12/8

Today, December officially begins and so does the final round of voting for the American Giving Awards presented by Chase. TWLOHA is one of five charities with a chance to win $1,000,000. Your support helped us win Round 1 back in October and now we’re looking at the chance not only to win this money but to do it on national television, as the Awards will be broadcast nationwide on NBC.

Your support got us here and we need you now more than ever. Winning this money would allow us to take our message of hope and help on the road to more places and in more creative ways than ever before. Beyond that, we think the chance to speak to a national television audience is something pretty special.

You can vote once daily 12/1 thru 12/8, so we’re asking for 8 votes over the next 8 days. If you want to do more, you can tweet, retweet, post on Facebook and Tumblr, even host a voting party at your school or in your community. There’s room to get creative. There’s room for your passion and your voice.

TWLOHA started small and we’ve seen amazing doors open as we’ve continued to journey together. That’s what it’s all about…

To see our big idea (how we would spend the money) and to cast your first vote, go here.

On behalf of the entire TWLOHA team, thank you for supporting us and thank you for caring about other people. 

Peace to you.
jamie

Comments (34) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

We hope that today is a good day, a day spent with family and friends and a day to pause with thanks. We know for some it’s not, or it’s simply not that simple.

To everyone heavy with the weight of things missing or fractured today,

It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or unthankful.

It only means you’re human.

And you’re not alone in that.

We lose things in this life. We all do.

Things are taken. Things break and leave and we are kept from what we love. We are kept from peace.

If today finds you more aware of what you’ve lost than what you have, this is for you, a note to say you’re not alone. A lot of people feel what you feel today.

Perhaps today finds you with the same faces as one year ago today. And when they ask how you are or if anything is new, perhaps you wish you had some different answers. Answers that sound like change or pride or progress.  Maybe you wanted this year to be about change but not a lot has changed. Or maybe changes came but they were not the ones you hoped for.

It’s okay. Where you are and what you feel and what you wish was different. It’s okay.

You’re still here and this day will pass and tomorrow has never happened before. The same is even true for the rest of today. Things can still be new. There is room for healing and surprise and even room for change.

This life is not a race. It’s not a contest or a competition. It’s a patient broken story breaking more and healing more with all our different days, rich with winning as well as losing. The beauty is that we get to go together.

The highlight of my 2011 has been to get to know someone walking through the hardest year that they have ever known. For them, it's been a year of loss and losing. To get to know this person in this time, it’s been nothing like a burden. It’s been a privilege and a blessing and a surprise. It’s caused me to believe in better things, reminded me of dreams I used to dream and how i hope to live.

We’re meant to win and lose together. We’re meant to know some people on this journey, to walk it together, to mourn and cry one day, to laugh and dance the next. We get to carry each other and we get to remind each other all that’s true, of everything not lost. We get to remind each other that we absolutely positively can't give up, can't settle. We get to say that these terrible wonderful journeys are priceless and we must keep going. Not because we have to but because our stories our bigger than ourselves and because we just might be surprised.

On behalf of our entire team, please know that we’re grateful beyond words for you and your support. We could not have dreamed this thing up, this story that you let us live, the chance to do these jobs that we believe in, this work of bringing hope and help to people all across the planet. We’re thankful and we say thank you.

Peace to you today.

And Happy Thanksgiving.

jamie

Comments (44) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Comments (7) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

At the beginning of the Fall 2011 Intern Term, the interns, Nichole, and I spent a day at UCF’s Challenge Course. We played team-building games, practiced trust falls, and tackled low and high element challenges. That day, I saw interactions that made my little community-building Intern Program Director heart sing. I saw a group of six people, collectively from four different continents, who had met each other just weeks before, form into a cohesive, supportive unit and respond to one another with patience, grace, and love. They have carried that with them through their entire term. With a few major moves and the American Giving Awards, they have had more than enough challenges to overcome as a group. And I am proud to have watched these extraordinary people learn and grow in the midst of those challenges, both individually and collectively. Below, one of our Fall interns Lindsey shares her perspective of our day on the Challenge Course and the way that it has woven itself through the rest of the term.

--Emmi
Intern Program Director

I have always been fascinated with high places. Something about the phrase “bird’s eye view” captivates me. Maybe it’s tied to my wanderlust and the illusion of freedom that heights provide, maybe I just like the complete change in perspective of being up high. Either way, I was excited about our merry TWLOHA band of six interns and two staff members traipsing off to UCF to tackle the ropes course. 

What we experienced during that trip far exceeded any expectations I could have had. I saw people struggling with basic trust falls allow themselves to be lifted over the heads of the rest of the group. I saw people whose lips were itching with the words “I can’t do it” push through until they succeeded. I saw people paralyzed with fear and blinded by tears walk across wires solely on the knowledge that they had seven other people behind them 100 percent. I saw a group of people who had only a few days earlier become too fast friends bond into a cohesive unit – a supporting, encouraging community. A family.  But mostly, forty feet in the air on finger thick wires, I saw eight perspectives change.  In those moments, I understood the things TWLOHA says in a completely different way. We are not alone. We are not meant to do these things on our own. Maybe in life we don’t have a safety net, but harness or no the easiest way to walk the wire is with two other sets of shoulders to lean on.

-----------------

As I reflect back on these words I wrote at the very beginning of our term, I can see now that in many ways, though I didn’t know it at the time, it served as an indication of what the rest of this four-month experience would hold. Community is hard. People and relationships are hard. I don’t know if I had an accurate understanding in August of just how hard these things are, but together the six of us have tripped and stumbled through this thing called community building. There were times when it didn’t seem possible -- didn’t seem worth conflicts and tears. Times when we stood on the ground, gazing up at the obstacle course forty feet in the air, wondering how we could ever come out victorious, how we could ever come out whole and unscathed. But this was because we had no idea that while we stood safely on the ground, six individuals filled with our own ideas and expectations, we were far from “whole.” Maybe we didn’t realize we could come out on the other side of it more complete than we started.

I learned something very important over these last few months. I learned something while I watched people begin to tap into an inner strength they never knew resided in them, while I watched people learn how to let themselves be loved, while I watched people make some of life’s biggest decisions and allow themselves to trust and be supported by our newborn community. 

I learned that when it comes right down to it, you are the one that has to decide to step down onto that tiny wire. You are the one that has to take a deep breath, set your jaw, and trust yourself. 

The decision is only yours. 

No one else is going to move your foot for you, no one else is going to take that first step. And that can be terrifying.  But there is a world of difference between taking the step “on your own,” and taking it “alone.” How much easier is it to step onto that wire when you see a handful of others taking their own first steps on their separate wires? How much easier is it to overcome the obstacle, to put one foot in front of the other, when you step with eyes locked on a friend’s who has just conquered it themselves? How much quieter is the sound of your own fear, when your ears are filled with the encouragement and love of the rest of your community? 

Albus Dumbledore says, “It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” It was our choice, standing there on the ground not so long ago as six individuals in awe of the insurmountable course in front of us. Six choices were made that day that community was worth it, that maybe we wouldn’t claim victory but that staying on the ground was uncomfortably safe. Six people chose a change in perspective, and we have gained more than we ever thought possible.

--Lindsey
Fall 2011 Intern

Comments (3) | Posted in General, Journal by Lindsey Gough

Sometimes the things that tear us down can lead us to freedom. Battling demons within ourselves is a vicious work. We may even get beaten down to a point where we don't know how to fight anymore. That's what Allie talks about in her "Adventures in Depression" post on her blog Hyperbole and a Half. If you follow Allie's blog or take a look at her archives, it's clear that she's hilarious. She creates these terribly awesome pictures on her computer and uses them to tell a story. 

In this post, as the name implies, she discusses what it was like for her to struggle with depression. I wanted to share this with all of you because of just how well she tells this story about her life. Her sadness seems to come out of nowhere, the impact hitting harder for all that she didn't see it coming. Then, she carries us through the moments she shamed herself (and although it's serious, it's serious in a funny way). The shame starts inside of her, because of what she believes, because of the story she lived, because she thinks she doesn't deserve to feel the way she feels. And yet, through all of that darkness, she finds freedom. The freedom presents itself in a situation, and she has the option to pursue it or to further cultivate her self-hatred. She chooses freedom. That's my favorite thing about the post--the way she saves herself. May we all find the courage to do the same.

Happy reading. :)

whitney

Comments (7) | Posted in General by Whitney Wilson

What does it mean when something is haunted? What exactly is a ghost?

Is it when something from the past refuses to leave? Is it when something dies but doesn't go?

It's easy to talk about haunted places. A haunted house. A haunted building. We smile at those stories. We get excited. There is no stigma, no shame. But what about haunted people? Isn't it true that, as people, our lives can become haunted things as well? The past can haunt the present. The past can steal the future.

Isn't that what most of this is about? Something painful in our past? Something breaks or something dies and in living with the pain, we begin to live with ghosts. And  by our choices, we either ask the ghosts to leave or we help them make a home.

If we can talk about haunted buildings, then we should be able to talk about haunted people. We should be able to put a hand up and say, "I'm not doing well" or "I need some help" or "Can we talk?"

Maybe we begin to ask the ghosts to leave when we begin to ask some other folks to join us in our haunted places. In the broken parts of stories. Our messes and our questions. To meet us, to know us, to help, to care, to listen.

Maybe we begin to help our friends become unhaunted when we let them know we're not afraid of their pain. When we ask to really know them. When we ask to see inside. When we do our part to go beyond the distance and the smile, deeper to "who are you?" and "how are you?" and "are you okay?"

i have been a haunted house. i have had things die but stay and i didn't know how to make them leave. And there were certainly times i didn't want them to leave because they were beautiful. They were no longer real but they were beautiful. They were bridges to brighter days. i thought they were my dreams.

But reality is the best place to live. Reality is where healing happens. In the honest light and by the voices of our friends.

We all have our past. We all have our pain. We will all know ghosts from time to time. But if our life is like a building, then we should open our doors to let some people see inside. And into our darkest places - into those rooms that hold our fears and dreams - we will begin to walk together. Friends with hope like candles, telling ghosts to go.

Comments (48) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

This fall, I had the opportunity to represent TWLOHA at three Out of the Darkness Community Walks in Indiana. I’m very proud to say that one of the walks I attended was one I helped organize. This year, I volunteered for the job of Walk Chair for the Evansville Out of the Darkness Community Walk.

I attended two walks last year, and I found that most of the walks were occurring in upstate Indiana. Any Hoosier knows that northern Indiana and southern Indiana are practically two different states.  Being a southern Indiana girl, most of my friends and family live in the southern half of the state. I know many people who have been affected by suicide, and I knew most of them couldn’t make it to the walks up north. So I decided to bring the walk to them.

I’m a sophomore in college, and along with being a full-time student, I’m also the President of my school’s TWLOHA UChapter. Many people thought I was crazy for taking on another project (and trust me, sometimes I think so, too), but I knew this was something I had to at least try. I knew if I didn’t try, then the Evansville OOTD Walk wouldn’t happen. At least if I tried, then there was a chance to bring resources, hope, and support to my own community.

A random meeting on a hot summer day in June gave me the encouragement and assurance I needed. I was walking around my hometown (about 40 miles from the actual OOTD Walk location) posting flyers about the walk, and I went into a local ice cream shop. The place was empty except for the workers and a twenty-something young woman who was on the phone. I was arranging some flyers on the table when I heard her end her phone call and walk over to me. She asked to see a flyer and introduced herself. Her name is Ashly. I told her about the walk and what we hope to accomplish with it. She looked at me with a surprised expression and said, “I think you are a godsend. I lost my brother to suicide almost two years ago, and I really need something like this.” We went on to talk for twenty minutes. She told me about her brother and how it felt to lose him.  We talked about the need for resources for survivors and what we can do to help. She added me on Facebook a few days after we met, and almost every week I saw a new advertisement for a fundraiser or benefit she organized to raise money in honor of her brother. Ashly went on to be the top fundraiser for the Evansville Out of the Darkness Walk.  Seeing her put so much effort into the walk was a constant inspiration and encouragement.

I’ve always been inspired by stories of people who have used their pain to fight for something greater than themselves. It shows what the human spirit is truly capable of accomplishing and how strong we can be, even through the darkest times. These walks not only provide resources and encouragement for survivors, but also give them a positive outlet for their pain. Most of the people who volunteer and donate to this cause are people who have been affected by suicide.  These are people who are fighting to save lives and keeping the memories of their loved ones strong.

As long as these walks exist, we’ll keep walking. Walking for the ones we’ve lost and the ones who are still fighting and surviving. Walking for the survivors. Walking for the hope that one day the stigma of suicide will be silenced.

Comments (6) | Posted in General by Erin Gillingham

Before we update you on our MOVE Conferences, I thought it would be good to give you a bit of information about what they are first, for long-time supporters who may need a refresher and new supporters who've never heard of them.  

MOVE Community Conference is a two-day, in-depth, engaging workshop that exists to begin a conversation about issues often left in the dark.  It is our way of equipping and educating communities about the topics we address at TWLOHA:  depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide, and also the role a trusted community plays on the path of recovery.  

Our aim is to battle stigma and shame with honesty and compassion.  MOVE is for people who are looking for a way to engage others in conversations about topics we believe matter very much.  MOVE is for students, mentors, parents, friends, pastors, professionals, and for everyone in-between.  This conferences stems from the idea that uniting our resources helps take people from places of pain to places of hope and healing.  In a discussion led by professional counselors, we explore what is behind these struggles, what drives them, what recovery looks like, and how we can make a difference.

We hope to meet you at a MOVE Conference and are excited to share two conference dates to finish out 2011.  Whether you want to attend a conference to become more knowledgeable about the issues we talk about there, to use this info to help a friend or a loved one, or to meet the necessary requirement to start a UChapter on your campus, we're grateful you're considering MOVE this December.  Our conference dates and locations are:

- MOVE St. Augustine - December 2-3, 2011 in St. Augustine, FL
- MOVE Chicago - December 9-10, 2011 in Chicago, IL

We understand that attending a MOVE Conference is a requirement in creating a TWLOHA UChapter on a college or university campus. We are still determining the best way for this training to take place, but regardless of whether this training is offered at the conference itself or held at a later date in a different format, such as online, attendance at a MOVE Conference by the prospective UChapter leader is still necessary in order to apply to become an official UChapter on your campus.

Finally, we have one last important piece of information for you to consider. Several changes have taken place on our MOVE team over the last few months and will continue to take place into next year. Because of this, MOVE St. Augustine and MOVE Chicago will be the only conferences held until next summer at the earliest, if not the fall of 2012. We know that there is a large interest in MOVE, as well as UChapters, so if any of you are weighing the options of attending one of the conferences in December, please know that these are your only options to do so for the next several months.

Deadlines to apply are:

- MOVE St. Augustine - November 21, 2011
- MOVE Chicago - November 28, 2011

For more information about MOVE Community Conferences, please visit our webpage here. Further inquiries, as well as requests for applications to attend MOVE, can be sent to move@twloha.com.

As always, we truly appreciate your continued interest in joining us in conversation at MOVE. We hope this update answers some of your questions, and we look forward to seeing you in St. Augustine and Chicago in December!

With Hope,
Nichole

Comments (0) | Posted in General by Nichole Engel

At age 13, Harlee was raped by her father. Now, six years later, she talks about her journey from pain and loss to healing, forgiveness and community.

Comments (12) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Two weeks from today will mark the four year anniversary of the day I threw all of my possessions into two garbage bags, put them in my truck, and drove eight hours from Atlanta, GA to Cocoa, FL to become the first official intern of To Write Love on Her Arms. The morning I left, I printed out directions to The Bungalow to ride as my passenger (this is how people navigated the land once upon a time before a GPS was a likely possession). I stopped by Chick-Fil-A for breakfast to eat on the road, and I began my drive down I-75 without realizing I'd revisit the place I had known my entire life only five times over the next four years—without realizing I was driving toward a new kind of home.

I assumed I was driving to a house on the beach, to be quite honest. A house on the beach with lively young neighbors and burrito stands all around. When you live west of Atlanta all of your life, this is the kind of romance you create in your head about places outside your bubble. As I made my way toward the city of Cocoa, a water tower with a giant American flag painted on it came into view. I share this because a couple days before I left that water tower was in the background of a CNN story covering gas station robberies and shootings in Cocoa. It was also when I realized I had about a mile and a half to go before I reached my destination. The butterflies came. So did a little rain. And with a left turn I pulled into the driveway of a yellow house with pink shutters and a white fence that had pineapples cutouts, and there was a little sign over the door that simply read "Welcome to Our Bungalow."

Byron greeted me, and we walked through the door. The house had Ikea boxes in each room, and I was a fresh face ready to do anything and assemble everything. It's how I spent my first night there, putting all that furniture together. The house was empty and mine, well mainly TWLOHA's, and I didn't know for how long. I didn't quite know how many people would walk through that broken old door over the next four years. I didn't realize how many people would sleep on the couches and bunk beds I built that first night when I was scared and couldn't keep my eyes closed. I didn't quite know I would have over a hundred strangers sleep in the backyard or on the floor during a month and a half of spring break, and that a few of them would be the most important people in my life today. I didn't quite know how many people would call that house their home, and I feel lucky to have been the first.

For all that those walls witnessed and for the home we made there, I would like to share some of the memories from other people who have called The Bungalow home.

Chris

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I'll never forget that little pineapple gate. It was quirky, cute, inviting . . . but the people were what made The Bungalow feel like home. The late nights together. The dinners, the conversations, and the friendships. Friends I still talk to today. The Bungalow was like a symbol of community, because that's exactly what we formed there—a tight little group that could face anything together. And a lot of us faced some hard trials during those short few months. We celebrated the good times and faced the difficult things together. We didn't just know community, we were community. A family that could tackle anything.
Liz
Summer 2010 Intern

That sweet little Bungalow held a lot of heart. I miss it, but I'm glad I still have the memories. :]
carra
Summer 2010 Intern

I will always carry fond memories about the room that I slept in while staying at The Bungalow. Since there were only three girls during my internship, we decided to sleep in one room. We took the cot from the boys’ room and put it in the first of the two girls’ rooms. Some of my favorite nights were the one where all three of us would lay in bed and just talk about the day, about life, or just giggle. In that room with those two girls, I learned so much about what it means to be vulnerable and to let other people love you even when it’s scary. That room became a safe haven for me to be sad, happy, silly, angry, or whatever I was feeling at the time.
Sarah
Fall 2010 Intern

Sitting at the dining room table eating my lunch and watching  Friends or I Love Lucy and just being with the people that I spent almost every waking minute with for four months. Having community suppers in the Florida room or in the backyard. Making dinners all at the same time in the small cramped kitchen. Locking Lauren in the laundry room. The Bungalow holds many memories. It holds beginnings of great friendships, and it holds honest and deep conversations with people that I learned to rely on and trust. It changed my life and gave me a sense of community I can never forget. It shaped and changed the things I want to do with my life and the paths I want to walk. The Bungalow will always be a place that will mean so much to me. It’s going to weird if I ever go back to that place and see it again, to see that its different and that TWLOHA has left it. But the memories will live on, and they will always be mine.
Kraig
Fall 2010 Intern

Being an intern, and living at The Bungalow in particular, meant relying on each other in a way that's unlike most anywhere else I've ever lived. Working together and coming home together meant a lot of communication, and this all kind of collided in the community dinners. We would pull together the menu and the gathering of food and then invite the guests all at the last minute almost every time.  But the community dinner talks normally turned into talks on the porch swing or talks on bunk beds and talks on bike rides down the road from The Bungalow.  The details of that house are etched in my memory—the pineapple cutouts in the fence, the stretch of the porch swing, the view of the shed from the kitchen window, the lines of the living room couches.  Constant conversation and digging and growth happened within those details and walls, and that house will always mean so much to me.
Lauren
Fall 2010 Intern

Looking back, I have come to realize The Bungalow developed into more than just our temporary home. It was this tangible place we shared that quickly became a representation of the many intangible experiences we also shared. When I think of The Bungalow, I am reminded of all the great friendships and memories I still have from living there.
Joe
Spring 2011 Intern

I left The Bungalow a few days after my fellow interns, and as the term had been difficult for me personally, I was glad to have some time to breathe before driving home.  But as I sat on the front porch, contemplating the fence with its pineapple cutouts, I couldn't bear to be at The Bungalow by myself anymore.  I realized that I had grown so much in that little Florida house—and that all of my growth had centered on the relationships with my fellow interns.  That's what the bungalow was to me . . . a safe place to step out of my comfort zone and into the sticky, interpersonal world of community.  The Bungalow was a place of togetherness and fireworks, of love and shared meals and laughter.
Kelsey =D
Spring 2011 Intern

For four months I called The Bungalow my home. It existed at the same time as the home I came from, yet it sometimes feels like my time in The Bungalow was all a long dream, or some alternate reality. Whether times were good or bad, The Bungalow is, and always will be, a special place. It's amazing to think of all the different stories that have passed through that ancient front door (that kept breaking), and the movement that found its footing there years ago. All of us really are part of a bigger story—one that is made up of pieces from the stories we've lived there.
Brendan
Spring 2011 Intern

One Saturday, the girls all went to Universal. So we had BOYZ NIGHT and made a big fort inside the bungalow. We were cool like that.
Kevin
Spring 2011 Intern

We had many campfires in our short unforgettable time at The Bungalow. Some were short, some were quiet but all made us closer as a family. One particular campfire night we had a couple TWLOHA staff members over for customary bi-weekly dinner and a campfire, and Joe, always the curious one, found some fireworks in the shed. Before we knew what was happening, he lit one and we turned around just in time to see him running toward us with a huge grin on his face. A few seconds and a huge boom later, the sky was filled with beautiful light. We were all so shocked, we just starting howling and tumbling over with laughter. It made the whole night, one we talked about for weeks afterward.

The Bungalow is a hard place to describe in terms of what it means to me. It will forever be the home where being broken and being happy could happen at the same time, where tears and laughter met somewhere in the middle, where telling stories and listening to stories had equal importance, and where six people from completely difference backgrounds came together and made a family that is there for each other no matter what. It is special, and it worked its magic on all of us.
Alyssa
Spring 2011 Intern

For my birthday (in December), I got a new perfume from my dad, DKNY Be Delicious (my favorite smell I was never able to afford).  Of course I brought it to Florida for my internship in the spring and wore it basically everyday. Recently back in Idaho getting into the school swing, I sprayed it, and it instantly took me back to The Bungalow. The girls room, the living room, the creaks of the hardwood floor, and the yelling as we all wanted to win Monopoly.  It's funny how smells do that because in Florida the smell reminded me of home, my dad, and my family.

The Bungalow is full of awkward moments, Parkour, ballet moves, lizards, laughs, cries, and silence.

The Toy Story cup in The Bungalow was mine. Well, I found it when I moved in . . . but I took ownership. I loved it. We made jokes I could probably find it at Wal-Mart for a dollar, but really I found it at Wal-Mart in Idaho for seventy-five cents when I returned home.  Everyone knew not to touch my Toy Story cup.

Since I was probably the only Pocahontas to live in The Bungalow . . . it's my fault the raccoon lived in the backyard. We could knock on the kitchen window, and Meeko (the raccoon) would wave. Chad once thought I was weird for asking about animal predators, I mean I have to make sure cougars aren't following me in the woods, but in Florida Chad told me to watch out for the raccoons in the daylight. I'm pretty sure I could take one on.

In the mornings, everyone was too tired to talk, or have manners, so we bumped, pushed, and ran into each other, then mumbled sorry in the cramped kitchen. I miss that.
Amanda
Spring 2011 Intern

Here's what I think of when I think of The Bungalow:
- The old TWLOHA office . . . man oh man, those were the days. Storing all the merch in what is now a boys' closet?! Haha.
- Sleepovers on tiny Ikea beds with Katie
- Honest convos on the porch swing
- The cake ball disaster with Holly
- THE KOLSCH WEDDING! <3
- Discovering I had a twin in Carra
- So many dinners
- Brainstorming meetings
- My writing group on the back porch / the day nearly everybody cried and respected each other / amazing
- Meeting Renee and June
- Dreaming of going back to school one day
Kaitlyn
Former TWLOHA Staff

Well, The Bungalow was the place I got married. The place I had my first "adult" job. The place where I learned to love being a "gardener" and seeing people grow and change.
Lindsay
Former TWLOHA Staff

I'll always remember walking through The Bungalow door with my sister, meeting Byron and Chris for the first time, on my first day in Florida. Little did I know I'd walk through that door hundreds of times and even live there for a short while. I have so many memories involving The Bungie, but my favorite would have to be the time Chloe and I lit small fireworks in the backyard. Turns out, they were not small fireworks and we did not have the best aim. I'll leave it at that.
Katie
TWLOHA Staff

The Bungalow will always hold so many memories for me. I lived there with Katie for a few months. I lived there alone as well. I had a desk in two different rooms. It's where I decided to change my major from Pre-Med to Communications. I was hired in the backyard at the patio table. It's a special place. It will be strange to never walk in the front door with the broken handle again, but change can be a very good thing.
Chloe
Fall 2008 Intern
TWLOHA Staff

Comments (6) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

With under 48 hours left in American Giving Awards, TWLOHA is in 1st place!! That is all you. We owe you a huge thank you for everything you have done to get us here. It shows you believe in us. You believe in our mission. You believe that investing into treatment and recovery is important. You believe in bringing hope on the road. You believe in the programs we have to end the stigma surrounding these issues.

That said, we need your help to take this a step further. We're in the home stretch of Round 1, and the gap is slowly closing. We need your support more than ever. We need your time. We need your creativity. We need your vote.

For the next 48 hours we're asking you to devote time to talk to your family, friends, classmates, and teachers; it may even be time to get your grandma to sign up for a Facebook account. Let them know what this means to you—why this is important and why you believe in it. Get creative. We want to hear your stories about how you're rallying people to vote. Show us your creative sharing by tagging your photo with To Write Love on Her Arms on Facebook or @replying TWLOHA on Twitter. 

Some simple ideas to get you started:

— Change your Facebook and Twitter profile photo to the one below. Make sure to add the voting link to your description making it easy to click and vote for TWLOHA.

Comments (6) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

TWLOHA Founder Jamie Tworkowski tells Alternative Press why we want to take HEAVY AND LIGHT on the road.

Comments (3) | Posted in General, Music by Chris Youngblood

We live in a world where brokenness is a reality, not a possibility. TWLOHA began as a response to that reality, as a way to confront a certain brokenness head on regarding mental health—specifically depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. We have learned that most people don't talk about these things. There are thousands of people, people with faces and families and stories, who never get the help they need because they feel there isn't a space to talk about their pain. TWLOHA is an attempt to create that space.

Starting today, we join twenty-four other charities in Round 1 of the American Giving Awards presented by Chase, a voting contest on Facebook to honor the past winners of Chase Community Giving. Voting ends next Wednesday, October 5 at 12 p.m. EST. We hope you will join us by liking the American Giving Awards presented by Chase Facebook page, voting for TWLOHA, and then asking everyone on the planet to do the same : )

We often talk about TWLOHA as a bridge to help. Taking the first step to talk to a friend about something painful is scary, as is packing a suitcase to go to a treatment center for the first or fifth time. We exist as a safe passage offering hope and encouragement along the way. Winning the American Giving Award will allow us to strengthen that bridge, to take our message of hope and help on the road to more places and in more creative ways than we've ever been able to do before, such as:

-- Investing in building an interactive platform that will allow people to contribute directly to treatment and recovery in their local community. 

-- Providing more widespread counseling scholarships for people with little or no insurance, alleviating the stress of a financial burden that often accompanies treatment and recovery options.

-- Expanding our vision by taking HEAVY AND LIGHT - an evening of songs, conversation, and hope - on the road. There is a unique kind of community that happens when people gather in a room with songs and honest stories that resonate. Nights like this can change a perspective for people, and that shift could be the beginning of change or even a life saved.

-- Strengthening the launch of our brand new high school campaign called The Storytellers, a way for high school students to bring the story of TWLOHA and message of hope to their own campus through organizing and engineering community events.

We're honored to participate in this contest and excited to have the chance to work with Chase to carry out this vision. Thank you for being a part of it.

Please vote.

Comments (4) | Posted in General by Whitney Wilson

Wade Belak, 35, died by suicide on August 31.

Rick Rypien, 27, died by suicide on August 15.

Derek Boogaard, 29, died from an accidental overdose due to alcohol and prescription painkillers on May 13.

Tom Cavanagh, 29, died by suicide on January 6.

The men listed above have a few things in common. They were all young professional hockey players in the National Hockey League (NHL) and struggled with depression.  And I am a fan of the game they played.

I grew up in the Midwest in the small town called East Grand Forks, MN, which borders Grand Forks, ND, an hour south of Canada. The way Texas feels about football is the way Minnesota feels about hockey. I remember the first time I went to a hockey game. One of my earliest memories is how I was supposed to watch and cheer for the University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux, the school I graduated from this past May. Watching hockey at UND’s Ralph Engelstad Arena is unlike anything else. It’s a massive, elegant building that can seat over 11,000 people. Entering the arena on a hockey night means being lost in a sea of green, white, and black where everyone is smiling and excited to watch what is bound to be an incredible show of athleticism, talent, and heart. The audience is transformed from simply being spectators to a community, a part of something bigger than themselves. If a fan can feel such connectedness by simply watching, what is preventing players from feeling safe enough to share their struggles with mental illness?

If you’ve never watched hockey, it’s an incredibly physical and sometimes violent sport. That’s often the draw for people. But what attracts me to hockey is that it’s a sport of fierce loyalty, for the fans and the players. Players have to trust their teammates to be there for a pass and to protect them when they’re skating along the boards. Night after night, players take painful hits for their teammates, often to protect the person holding the puck, knowing one wrong hit can end a career. So in a sport where game after game players show each other such loyalty and trust, it is devastating that off the ice they don’t feel they can do the same, that they feel so alone and don’t know how or if they can find help.

When news of Belak’s suicide broke, National Post writer Aaron Sands tried to answer the impossible: “How could a young man who was so widely loved, a man who was living an apparently charmed life with a beautiful young family decide to kill himself whilst alone in a Toronto hotel room? How could nobody have seen it coming?” Articles written about Rypien, Boogaard, and Cavanagh all echoed similar sentiments. All asked why. All wanted to know what we could do, what players could do, what the NHL could do.

Sands said, “the cost of coming out in the open about his mental illness would have been too high a price to pay,” suggesting the stigma associated with mental illness is what prevents players from coming forward about their struggles. Sadly, he is most likely right. Hockey players are looked at as prime examples of what it means to be physically tough and mentally intimidating. They are taught, coached, and instructed from the time they first pick up a hockey stick to never show weakness—on and off the ice. Being a hockey player in the NHL is about more than what happens inside a rink. They protect an image, and because of the stigma associated with mental health issues, sharing their struggles significantly alters how others see them.

And this stigma isn’t just for them. It’s for soldiers, doctors, teachers, celebrities. It exists for you. And for me.

As I sit with that, and think of its implications, I lose my words. We live in a world where we are readily exposed to sex, drugs, and violence. We talk about those things at great length because they’re on the news, in movies and songs. But we shy away at talking about mental illness and what it means. Why? Why do we let such a stigma continue to exist? One of the main goals we have at TWLOHA is to push back against this stigma. We want people to talk about these things freely, to be unafraid to stand up and say, “I’m struggling and I need help.” No one should ever have to live in a place where they feel they will lose more than they would gain by acknowledging a part of themselves, no matter how dark that part may be.

In an article from Star Tribune former NHL player Peter Worrell, who also struggled with addiction, said, “Part of the locker room mentality is we can fight through everything. We kind of get down on guys if they show any weakness. I hope with these tragedies this summer that as players and union members, we look out for each other a little bit more."

Worrell’s sentiments are not limited to NHL players. We can look out for each other, too. You and I can, right now. For our family. For our friends. For our own selves and the stories we’re living. And maybe that’s how we start to help, by being fans who set an example. Let’s join the NHL in trying to erase mental health stigmas. We can love each other. We can talk about these things. I know it’s not easy and it can be scary, but by giving these issues a name and a face, one by one, we’ll change this.

If you ever get a chance, be sure to watch my favorite sport. I hope you can feel what I feel every time I watch a game.  And I hope you’ll think of Belak, Rypien, Boogaard, and Cavanagh. And when you think of them, I hope you’re moved to share your story.

With Love,
Chloe

Comments (10) | Posted in General by Chloe Grabanski

On a morning in August, I was checking Twitter.  It was a regular Thursday morning.  Then, I saw that John Green, a writer and vlogger I follow, tweeted, "Go read @johnmoe's twitter feed."  I did the only sensible thing and clicked through to John Moe's profile.  

We shared his series of tweets on our Behind the Scenes Tumblr later that day.  John Moe's brother Rick died by suicide four years ago, and his birthday was August 24.  He would have been 49.  As a way to honor Rick and prevent other people from losing their older brother, John promised himself that he would talk about Rick and his life, that he would encourage people facing the same kind of darkness Rick faced to reach out to someone instead of trying to walk that road alone.  

I was incredibly inspired by John's honesty.  He doesn't shy away from how suicide affects the people left behind and that it might take more than one try to get help.  His words stayed with me in the days following, and I wanted to hear more of the story.  Below is an interview John was so kind to do with me.  It's a glimpse of his experience in losing his brother.  It is not light reading, but then suicide isn't a light topic.  We should talk about it anyway.  Talking about suicide is a start to breaking the silence that sustains the stigma.  Let's break it together.

whitney
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What was Rick like?
Most of what I remember of Rick is him as a kid, a slightly older kid than me. In those days, he was incredibly energetic, really funny in the kind of dry way that our dad pioneered in the family. He was charismatic. But he did really poorly in high school. Part of that was, I think, what might be diagnosed as ADHD today. Part of it was that he fell in with a crowd that smoked pot and probably did some other drugs too. I don’t know if he was trying to medicate himself for depression or what. He had a strong intellect, boy he was smart, but it was intentionally defiant against school. He’d read science journals but bomb in science class.

In later years, he was a screw up. He was a meth addict. He drifted from job to job in San Diego, different living environments, I’d lose track of him for extended periods. And he’d try to get money from my parents or my sisters or me.

He was nice when I talked to him but I never knew if he was trying to manipulate me to get more money for drugs. That’s something you learn about addicts, their disease makes it so nothing matters more than getting more drugs. So he’d call me up and leave a message talking about hearing me on the radio and how much he loved it and I would just delete it.

But he was evidently clean for several years leading up to his death.

He was your older brother, yes, and therefore a superhero of sorts.  But you talked about his struggle with addiction in your Infinite Summer post.  Can you share a bit about how you learned about his addiction and how/if he sought help before his death?
Well, like I said, he was a pothead in high school. I kind of bristle now when people talk about pot like it’s no big deal because in my experience, with Rick and with other people I know, it was absolutely a gateway to harder stuff. So I saw Rick do that.

In later years I know he got picked up on DUIs. Then I heard about the meth, this was before I even knew what that meant.

But he entered treatment and by all accounts he was sober. He volunteered at a sobriety hotline, he went to NA. A lot of people at his funeral were from that kind of sobriety community.

Still, the damage was done and he wasn’t quite tethered to the world any more in the time leading up to his death. I don’t know if he was getting real medical support or not. I think if you do the kind of drugs he did you sort of blow holes in your brain that you can’t recover from.

What is it like for you to talk about Rick now?
It’s incredibly painful. Because I have a hard time bringing back the fun memories, the human memories. When I think of Rick, I think of one thing: him covered in bandages and blankets lying unconscious in an emergency room after he shot himself. His brain was dead, his body would soon follow. But his hand was still warm. That image – they tell me I have post-traumatic stress- is the one I always go to because it burned into my brain.

Is it difficult to talk about the nature of his death?
Yes. But it’s vital. It’s important. I decided, literally at his funeral, that I needed to talk about it as much as possible. There’s this horrible stigma associated with suicide, like it’s a shameful thing, a moral failing. But it’s more complicated than that. It’s a symptom of an illness. And the shame contributes to the isolation of the person suffering and it compounds the problem. The way we treat suicide makes for more suicides, I’m convinced of that.

As for talking about the specific nature of his death, he shot himself at a gun range. There are a lot of details about that. How he joined the range weeks before but never came back until the day he died, indicating a high level of premeditation. He left his car there and I had to drive it away, knowing that the radio was not on. These are horrifying details and human details. I am actually thankful to talk about them because I want people to know that this is the kind of horror you leave behind if you make this horrible choice.

I’m a writer and I know that details in a story are what bond people to the characters and the action. I hate talking about the details of Rick’s death but I have to. I just have to.

In what ways do you advocate for suicide prevention in your life?
It’s hard to know what to do, frankly. I have something like 13,000 followers on Twitter but I earned most of those through jokes. So I like to keep that source consistent. Still, once or twice a year I talk about Rick and urge people to get help if they need it. If you had a broken leg, you’d go to the hospital, I say, and you should treat your depression just as seriously. And oddly, when I post about this, I get this huge outpouring in response. Celebrities retweet what I say which brings a lot of people in. And that’s all great. I also do the occasional public event and I write about it when asked.

At the same time, I have to be careful. People come to me for help with depression and I can’t provide that. I’m not a therapist of any kind and I can’t and won’t accept responsibility for these people’s lives. I provide resources, phone numbers, web sites, anything I can. But that kind of speaks to the heart of the issue. You can provide help but everyone needs to help themselves, ultimately. They need to take ownership of their health and they need to get better. They owe it to themselves, to the future, to other people who need them.

What do you say to a person who has lost someone they love to suicide?
Rick died four years ago now and I’ve talked to people who’ve lost someone recently. I’ve told them, first of all get help. You can’t do this alone. You aren’t strong enough. You’re just simply not. Get a therapist, not just a friend but a professional. There are options for low/no income people in this regard too.

And I tell them that this path is just beginning. It’s a long road, you’ll walk it forever, and it’s going to suck. It doesn’t travel in a smooth trajectory. You might feel fine a month after it happened and immobilized with grief in two years. Generally, it gets better. You get more functional, you talk about it more, you find joy in other places. But it’s never cured and you never get over it. Life just gets different from that point on. You just have to keep walking. 

Comments (6) | Posted in General by Whitney Wilson

I am a New Yorker, and I’ve spent the better part of 10 years avoiding the memory of 9/11/01. The weight of something so monumental was too much for me at the time; I was in 7th grade, and I didn’t understand. I was the first one pulled out of my school, but I was confused—I didn’t know anyone who worked there, so why was I leaving?  I was home before the second plane hit; I began to understand the “what” but not the “why.” As was the case with many that day, my parents had trouble getting home, so I stayed with a neighbor until they did, watching the planes hit again and again and again. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so when you see it a thousand times, does it take a million words to justify it? I don’t think any amount of words, mine or anyone else’s, can make the weight of this day disappear, but I promised myself that this year I would be honest and say something.

There’s a reason that I didn’t share my fears and dreams for National Suicide Prevention Week with other staff members and our interns. It was hitting too close to one of my fears, and I didn’t know if I could be honest. My fears are somewhat tied to this date, which in the “before” was just another number on a calendar but in the “after” is a reminder of something so much more than that. My fear is that my anxiety will win and that I will be alone in it. I know that not all of my anxiety stemmed from the events of 9/11, but that’s a part of it, and of me. Many people in New York and elsewhere now struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD (among other things) as a direct result of 9/11. I don’t want them to be forgotten or alone today either.

I knew this year would be the hardest for me yet, so I decided to fight back the hardest I have and seek treatment. The events of 9/11 were an isolating experience, and while I can only speak for myself, sometimes being numb to it was easiest. I felt so stupid for admitting how hard this is for me, because I felt unworthy of my own feelings. I couldn’t let anyone know I wasn’t okay with it. How could I be so affected by something I didn’t even understand at the time? There are so many people who felt more direct effects, lost parents and children, including many of my friends and neighbors. I come from a community with many firefighters and police officers, heroes. My street is now named for a firefighter lost in the towers, a son of my neighbor; I pass that every day, a silent reminder of what and who are missing. Their families were the ones who hurt, so I couldn’t.

I have a puzzle of the NYC skyline, which was actually given to me after 9/11, but in it, the towers are standing. Every time I tried to put it together, it felt wrong to snap cardboard into place to fill a void, which is actually unable to be filled. Sometimes, I like to think of our stories like puzzles. A lot of puzzles were broken up on that day.  All of our stories connect to each other in strange and sometimes oddly shaped ways. And many people lost pieces of their puzzles on 9/11, but over time, I feel like I’ve collected more and more about these missing pieces. They may not fit perfectly, but every piece of every story I’ve heard about the attacks on 9/11 has become a part of my story, too. And I will carry them with me, because I will not allow anyone to be forgotten. The hope I hold is that stories will be passed down, puzzles with “9/11” shaped pieces will continue to be assembled long after I am gone.

This year, 9/11 is a National Day of Service. I think a powerful way to remember those who were lost is to help others. Reach out a hand to someone you know, or join a community project. Know that you are not alone today. Know that community is out there, whether you live in New York or Washington, D.C. or Pennsylvania or Iowa or Brazil. And whether you will forever remember where you were on 9/11/01 or you are too young to know, make a new memory this year. Find hope in helping others who may just need you to stand there so they feel less alone. Smile at someone on the street; this may seem like a crazy or normal idea depending where you’re from, but for New Yorkers, it is a big deal. Even if that’s all the service you do, I think it will be worth it for you. If we can make this a day in which communities connect over visible or imagined boundaries, we have been a success. I am a New Yorker, and this year, I’ll be out seeking all these things I’ve wished for you. I will always be a New Yorker, and no matter what gets thrown at our city, I believe in the power of hope, community, and love. These things hold strong through all tragedies.

“This, I think, is how people survive: Even when horrible things have been done to us, we can still find gratitude in one another.” – David Levithan

With Hope,
Danielle

Comments (14) | Posted in General by Danielle Cantarella

This Saturday is the Indianapolis Out of the Darkness Community Walk, which kicks off the walk season for the Indiana Chapter of the AFSP. This is my second year being a part of these walks, and I'm very excited to have the opportunity to share TWLOHA's message of hope and to support another group that is close to my heart.

When I attended my first Out of the Darkness Walk in February 2010 in Orlando (during my TWLOHA internship), I had no idea these events would go on to affect my life in such a powerful way. I've grown up in Indiana, and until last year I never knew how to get involved in my own community. Being a part of the Orlando Walk inspired me to get involved with the Indiana Chapter of the AFSP and bring a message of hope and encouragement to people in my own community. It's also allowed me to see the amazing efforts and hear the stories of my fellow Hoosiers.

I've been blessed to see the effects of these OOTD Walks within my own family. My mom lost her only sister to suicide when I was four, and I have grown up seeing the effects of this loss within our family. I asked her to come to the walk longing for her to find hope and encouragement. During the opening ceremony, a fellow survivor of suicide spoke about her own loss. She said it took years of healing, but she was finally able to acknowledge the loss of her loved one to suicide. My mom saw her courage, and something resonated with her. She called me that night in tears and told me how much the walk meant to her. My mom said it was the first time she had ever heard suicide talked about so openly. For the first time since her sister died, she finally has the courage to share her story. She lost her sister to suicide, and it's time to talk about it.

We talk a lot at TWLOHA  about the importance of stories and the belief in letting others know and love us and knowing and loving them in return. If you have lost a loved one to suicide or struggled with thoughts of suicide yourself, it becomes even more important to let the people who love you walk beside you. I once heard Aaron Moore share at a MOVE conference, "grief shared is grief survived." The Out of the Darkness Walks have really proven to me the truth in these words.

I want to invite you to join us in the conversation and at the OOTD Walk to break the stigma. Although TWLOHA will be attending three walks across Indiana, there are eight walks total in the state and over 200 throughout the country. To find an event near you, go to www.outofthedarkness.org and sign up and even start a team of your own.

These walks are always special. They're about bringing people together. They're about providing hope, encouragement, resources, and support to those who have experienced such a tragic loss. It's about raising money to support the many programs being implemented by the AFSP. We're a group of people, some survivors, others advocates, all coming together with a message: it's okay to talk about suicide.

Thanks for reading.  Hope to see you at an OOTD Walk soon. :)

Erin
Spring 2010 Intern

P.S. This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. Talk about it. Ask your friends how they’re doing. Share stories. Spend time with loved ones. If you’re struggling, you don’t have to struggle alone; ask for help. Let your voice be heard. Together, we can break the stigma.

Comments (6) | Posted in General by Erin Gillingham

Metal and Hardcore isn’t everyone’s top choice in music.  I think one thing that many people don’t understand about punk and hardcore and metal is that it is more than the solely musical parts.  People don’t always get why the vocalists scream or how the pit can be classified as “dancing,” but at the end of it all, people show up because it feels real.  Metal/Hardcore is about the community: it’s about people “getting” you.  This summer we were invited to be a part of Nocturnal Alliance tour, which featured MyChildren MyBride and Impending Doom.  While we have had plenty of friends from the heavier branches of rock support us, this was our first foray into this realm.

Truth be told, there was a big part of me that didn’t want to write this blog.  Don’t get me wrong—I loved being a part of the tour.  The memories and the jokes and the friendships and the music will stick with me for a very long time.   But I found myself struggling with the idea of sharing it.  Most people reading this blog are probably far more comfortable around music with a clear melody, or less distortion, or lyrics that are sung rather than screamed.  I wondered if me writing this would relate in any way to the majority of our audience.  I shared these concerns with Whitney from our team.  She does a lot of our editing and makes sure that I correctly use commas and differentiate between “its” and “it’s” and from time to time, she finds of way of using words to slap me.  She told me that this summer, she went to her first Metal show (something that she never thought she would ever do).  She drove up along with several of our interns to the Jacksonville leg of the Nocturnal Alliance Tour.  She cheered when A Bullet for Pretty Boy opened with their rendition of the Harry Potter Theme, but she admitted that for most of the night, the music was hard for her to connect with.  She then told me that that night was still one that carried a lot of meaning for her.

Whitney said that seeing the audience interact with the music, and seeing the artists hanging out with the fans, and the fact that she couldn’t understand a single word but that everyone else in the room could, meant something.  And she was right.  I saw it night after night.  It was clear that many of the rooms we were in this summer felt more like home than anywhere else for some people, that the people comprising the pit may have felt more like family than anything else they have experienced.  These clubs were our platforms and these screams were our melody.  This conversation of pain and hope is not one that can be owned exclusively.  It doesn’t belong to To Write Love, or MyChildren MyBride, or acoustic shows, or young adult literature.  It is a conversation that finds its beauty in strange and foreign dialects but, somehow, always sounds familiar.  It is rooted in the fact that there is more in life that holds us together than could ever keep us apart, and it’s about naming and celebrating those differences.

Canada has bumpy roads.  Perhaps the most warped and scarred sections of concrete find their home in Calgary.  But in that town, across the fractured tarmac, in the upstairs of a humble punk club, I had one of the most edifying interactions of my adult life.  I met a couple folks who knew nothing about metal or the tour, but really only wanted to spend a few minutes there because TWLOHA was going to be part of the night.  A young woman named Chelsea came well before doors opened with her friend Roger, and we just talked.  The conversation moved from music to life to struggles to questions to recovery, and then to community.  I have no idea how long we spent together—good conversation often times mimic time travel—but it came time for us to go our separate ways.  Chelsea said, “Hugs, not drugs,” and Roger extended his hand.  After shaking his hand, I felt that he had left a coin in the exchange.  It read “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to tell the difference.”  He simply asked me to continue to pay it forward.

A week later, through the aid of free Wi-Fi at a Canadian McDonald’s, I opened an email from Chelsea telling me the story of that coin. She told me that it was the first medallion Roger received when he began his road to recovery.  I was floored.  I had to wipe my eye.  I now carried Roger with me.  He trusted a complete stranger with one of his most precious possessions.  That information suddenly drove home the theme of the summer.  We made a collab shirt with MyChildren MyBride that reads “We Are The Cure.”  The idea is that we can play a more positive role in each other’s lives.  The hope is that we would feel less alone.  And both of those things exist in all of us.

So we want to thank you for believing that with us.  This summer, we were at more places than ever before in a four-month stretch.  TWLOHA was able to set foot in 3 countries including 13 music festivals, another year on Warped Tour, and a second year speaking in high schools in Australia.  We found ourselves in coffee shops, acoustic listening rooms, gorgeous amphitheaters, and dimly lit rock clubs, and wherever we were, we saw you.  This summer could not have happened without YOU, the reader, the music fan, the listener, the student, the storyteller.  The story is the same across all 7 time-zones we traveled to, but the song is always different.  Share your life, and share your song.  More people will “get it” than you think.

Thanks for reading and head-banging,

Chad

P.S. Thanks to everyone who made this summer possible, including but not limited to: MyChildren MyBride, Impending Doom, A Bullet for Pretty Boy (thanks for the ride!!!), The Crimson Armada, This or The Apocalypse, Wiest, Scary Brian, French, Billy, Eddy GaGa, Roger, Chelsea, Taylor and everyone at Hopeful Productions, Joel and everyone associated with Gravity, BridgeBuilders, Leah and the Crimson Team, Tim Horton, Wal-Mart (for giving us parking lots to wake up in), Aberforth Dumbledore, and the game of Washers.

Comments (11) | Posted in Music by Chad Moses

This year marked our fifth year as a part of VANS Warped Tour.  The tour saw approximately 500,000 people across 44 cities. All of these people came out to see some 400+ total bands play over 440 hours of music. We encountered 4 severe storms, and our highest temperature was 109 degrees in Phoenix, AZ (although the rest of the summer seemed just as hot).  

In addition, here are some other numbers taken from the “FACTS” page of our website that I would like you to consider:

121 million people worldwide suffer from depression, and 18 million of these cases are happening in the United States.

Between 20% and 50% of children and teens struggling with depression have a family history of this struggle and the offspring of depressed parents are more than three times as likely to suffer from depression.

2/3 of those suffering from depression never seek treatment.

Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide, and suicide is the third leading cause of death among teenagers.

Our goal as an organization, both in the office and on the road, is to reach people who are struggling in whatever ways we can to reduce all of these staggering numbers and statistics and work toward erasing the stigma that surrounds depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. We have spent the last 5 summers setting up a tent everyday through all sorts of conditions with the hope that we can connect with the people attending Warped Tour and begin to change those statistics. If we are able to communicate our message and help one person, then all of our effort has been well worth it.

This summer we incorporated a new way to make these connections with our Fears vs. Dreams Campaign. Our goal with FvD is to invite people to answer two questions: “what is your biggest fear?” and “what is your greatest dream?” We wanted to encourage people to share their words and maybe feel less alone in reading the words of others.  Our aim was that their experience would be more than just a moment at a table. We wanted to remind people that they are living a story that is their own and is entirely unique. Our hope with FvD is to allow people the opportunity to talk about things that really matter to them. 

The response to this project was greater and far more beautiful then we could have ever expected or imagined. We found a way to display all of the cards filled out every day for people to read, see, and share.  By the end of the summer we received between 10,000-15,000 cards. Each one of those cards represents someone, a living and breathing person, who was not afraid to own who they are. It represents someone brave enough to share part of the story they are living. It represents hope. That bravery and hope is the reason we were able to meet so many people this summer. Anyone who got the chance to walk by our table covered with filled out FvD cards got to see all of those fears and dreams in one place, and it was so moving and intriguing and inspiring. People who have never heard of TWLOHA before would stop because they were curious. Once we explained our project, they often couldn’t wait to participate and add part of their stories to the mix.

Our summer could not have gone any better, and I feel really proud saying that. I feel really proud saying that Fears vs. Dreams on Warped Tour was a success because of everyone that took part. For all of you who decided to be vulnerable and own your fears and dreams at the booth or on Twitter or just quietly with yourself, thank you for being a part of our story. Thank you for sending us photos of your fears and dreams written by your own hand. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for being brave enough and for letting your words provide comfort and hope to others. Thank you for your curiosity. Thank you for caring. Thank you. 

I will see you soon,
Jason

Comments (4) | Posted in General, Music by Jason Blades

In September of last year I received a link to a video in an email sent around to the TWLOHA staff. It showed a young man taking back his life, combating his depression and obesity, and finding happiness through running. The video fascinated me, and I watched it over and over. The story, simple and honest, captivated me. I had to understand more about where this young man had come from. I did what any curious young adult would do. I Googled him.

The young man in the video is Ben Davis. In 2009, he was twenty-three years old, 360 pounds, and depressed. His extra weight had dragged him down into a dark place, and he was having a hard time finding his way out. It was a conversation with his grandmother that sparked the inspiration he needed to change his life. She simply asked him if he was happy. After a basic assessment of his life, he realized that he could certainly be happier. So, in an attempt to get a grip on his life, he started a blog and started running. 

His journey started out slowly. He began training for 5k’s, hiking mountains, swimming, and going to boot camps at the gym. He changed his eating habits, began interacting with friends more, and wrote about his experiences. His confidence grew. His outlook on life changed. With the support of his brother Jed and his father John, Ben’s life began to turn down a different path. They ran races, marathons, and even completed an ironman triathlon together. Ben began to see that he wasn’t alone in his journey. He had a strong community surrounding him and encouraging him. His life was changing, and he was finding a true happiness that had been so elusive for so long.

Today, Ben is a huge inspiration to thousands of people around the world.  He's started a movement called "Do Life" and just wrapped up a thirty-one city 5k tour before heading to Northern California to complete the Vineman Ironman Triathlon (his second ironman in two years!). His search for happiness has led him on a whirlwind journey that is constantly showing him new and exciting things that he is capable of, things he could only have dreamed of two years ago.

This past January, I began to run.

For the few months leading up to this new life decision, I felt stuck. My motivation, inspiration, and over all oomph for life seemed to disappear, and I was absolutely stuck.

I had never run before, and it was a completely new challenge. Every day, I would dedicate an hour to getting outside, running around my neighborhood and then collapsing into a heap on my tiled living room floor. For days and weeks and months, this went on. I had signed up for a 5k, bought running apparel, and pulled out my five-year-old running shoes that had been worn about three times total. Every day, I pushed farther and farther. I refused to give up.

How far can I run?
How far can I run without stopping?
How fast can I run a mile?

I dedicated myself to improving my health and lifestyle. With each new day and new personal record, I began to see myself become unstuck. I felt energized, confident, and most of all, happy. Soon, I completed two 5k’s and signed up for kickboxing and CrossFit, too.

In June, Ben and I got the opportunity to meet when his Do Life 5k Tour came through Orlando. We talked and shared our stories with one another. He asked me about TWLOHA, and I wanted to learn more about him as well. While our stories are different and we come from two very different places, one thing that struck me was how we shared a passion for people. We both want to use our stories to help others find a way out of their dark places and serve as a source of hope. Our conversation illustrated for me how caring for myself was the first step in caring for someone else, but that I don't have to find happiness on my own. I am not alone. By sharing my life and joy with others I can, likewise, help someone see the happiness they are seeking in their own life. And the chain doesn't stop there. We can lean on one another, share life and experiences, and help spark change each other's lives.

 
Since the tour, Ben and I have talked about how he can serve as a resource for UChapters, sharing his message of hope and finding a reason to smile, finding happiness and sharing it with others.  The more Ben learned about TWLOHA and what we do, the more he loved it and wanted to get involved. To show his support, for the entire month of August Do Life will donate 15% of all merchandise sales to TWLOHA. You can find his store here: http://dolifemovement.com/products. We couldn't be more excited for this new friendship to grow.

I appreciate Ben so much, not only for his kind donation, but also for being an inspiration to so many people, myself included. His perseverance, dedication, and honesty have given hope thousands of people around the world—hope for a better tomorrow, hope for redemption and healing, hope for a fresh, healthy perspective on life. I encourage you today to share life with someone, do something that inspires you, and seek happiness in the things that bring you joy. Live your story. It is so important.

With Hope,
Holly

Comments (9) | Posted in General by Chloe Grabanski

From Nashville to Los Angeles, TWLOHA founder Jamie Tworkowski, photographer Jeremy Cowart and a group of friends invited folks to share their fears and dreams. Jamie and Jeremy were joined by Caitlin Crosby, Laura Bell Bundy, Andy Davis and Alek Parker. Video by Cale Glendening. Music by Noah Gundersen and The Last Royals.

Comments (79) | Posted in General by Chloe Grabanski

We're reminded that life is fragile today. We're reminded the power of choices, the choices of others and certainly our own. We hold the power to choose love and grace and kindness, and we hold the power to choose hate and terror and murder as well. We saw this in Norway today, in the unthinkable tragedy there. Our hearts are more than heavy for the people of Norway and our prayers are for the loved ones of the many killed. We are sorry beyond words and we stand with you today. And we say the lives mattered. Your friend. Your sister. Your neighbor. Your son. Their life mattered. Their story mattered. 

And then with the news of the death of Amy Winehouse, we pause to say and remember that Amy was a person. She was more than a voice, more than a star, more than an addict. She was somebody's daughter, somebody's friend. Our hearts are heavy for her loved ones today. 

Amy's death reminds us that addiction is real, that it has stolen the lives of thousands and hurt millions more. Families all across this planet, literally thousands of them, know the weight and struggle of this difficult and confusing disease. If you know someone that is struggling, please talk to them. Encourage them to seek help. To quote my friend Aaron Moore, "We have to balance compassion and honesty." Compassion means you tell them you love them. Honesty means you tell them the truth, even when it's uncomfortable.

Over the last five and a half years, we've learned that recovery is possible, that lives do change for the best, that sobriety is possible. We have learned the power of counseling and treatment and, though it may sound simple, we've learned the power of friendship as well. We all need a support system. We all need other people. 

Divided by oceans and borders today, we say that we are one, in all of this together. We are people mourning and people with questions and people in need. We pause to remember lives lost today, the ones in the news and the ones that go much quieter. We mourn the stories that ended too soon and we choose to fight for the ones still going. 

Peace to you, today and tonight.
jamie

Comments (21) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

What's your biggest fear? What's your greatest dream? www.fearsvsdreams.com

Comments (52) | Posted in General by Chloe Grabanski

One of the most frequently asked questions we hear is, “What can I do to help?” We have supporters all over the world who write to us asking how they can make a difference. There are so many ways to get involved with TWLOHA, and right now we have a way you can help right where you are. It takes about 30 seconds, and all you need is a Facebook account.

The way to vote is simple:


1.) Go to the Vivint Gives Back Project.
2.) Login with your Facebook account. If this is your first time voting you must allow the Vivint Application access.
3.) "Like" the Vivint Facebook page. You will only have to do this once.
4.) Click "Vote" to vote for TWLOHA.

Right now Vivint is giving away $1.25 million dollars to 100 different nonprofit organizations.The top prize, $250,000, will be awarded to the most-voted nonprofit. You may be thinking, “Oh great. Another contest.” However, we ask you to consider what winning this contest could mean for TWLOHA.

The money from this contest would be used in a variety of ways, but our first focus will be expanding our efforts in treatment and recovery by:

-Going on site visits to treatment and counseling centers to meet with the administration, clinicians, licensed mental health counselors and social workers. This gives us first-hand knowledge of the services and resources provided at each facility and helps us understand the needs as well. This way, we are able to accurately distribute scholarship funds and help those in need of treatment.
- Our hope is to build an interactive platform that will allow people to invest directly into treatment and recovery in their local community.
- Continue to support organizations such as the  American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, National Alliance on Mental Illness, Self Injury Foundation, In The Rooms and more. These and other organizations are actively fighting this fight with us. They are researching, raising awareness, supporting others and tapping into markets we may not have the manpower to tackle. We are in this together and want to continue to support them.

In addition, we believe in the work we’re already doing through our various programs. Winning this contest would allow us to take MOVE Community Conferences to new cities stateside and abroad, expand our UChapters Program and visit campuses already actively bringing the message of hope and help to their schools, be able to visit new communities through speaking events, tours and awareness campaigns, and launch our first-ever high school campaign!

Currently, we are not in 1st place. We are down by quite a few votes but we know with the amount of people supporting us on Twitter, Facebook and our online sites, we can quickly change that. You can help TWLOHA be the winning organization. You can help us win $250,000. You can help us make a difference.

You can vote once per day through August 27th. This means we need your help and commitment. Thirty seconds every day this summer from each of you is all it takes to win.

Please take the time to vote each day, and ask your friends and family to vote too. The only way we can do this is if we do it together. Thank you very much for your support.

Let’s go win $250,000!

Comments (17) | Posted in General by Chloe Grabanski

You know those things in your life that sit in the pit of your stomach and stay buried in the back of your mind? Those things you carry with you always and are afraid to share with others? That’s what this is.

I’ve tried to write this countless times over the past three years. I’ve sat down at a desk with pen and paper, had my computer open in my lap, and drafted sentences in my head. There is never an easy way to write about the hard stuff, but as June 20, 2011 looms ahead of me, I’ve decided to try again with what has been the hardest step.

“I am a Survivor.”

I’ve never liked saying that. Acknowledging it. Admitting it. In saying those four words I have to own the fact that what happened, actually happened. But as the three-year-mark of my sexual assault fast approaches, I think I’m finally ready to believe that I am a survivor. There were days and moments that I never thought those words would be true. Times when I wanted to give up and say, “I can’t do this.” In those moments, I really did feel that way.

In the weeks after my assault I wasn’t living. I was alive, breathing and making some sort of attempt at coping with it. But often it was not in the healthiest of ways. I didn’t know how to deal with who I was. I’ve always been independent and strong-willed (some would say hard-headed) but before my assault I was also pretty happy. I had struggled with anxiety and depression in high school and my first year of college but overall I felt like I was living in a good place. I had just finished another semester of college, was working a great job and spending my free time with family and friends. Then in one night I was no longer me. I became what someone else made me. I was made a victim because of a choice someone else decided to make. And coping with that wasn’t something I knew how to do.

So I did what I could. I woke up each day. I walked my dog. I read. I breathed.

I’ve never been a big fan of labels but have happily worn “daughter,” “student,” “friend,” “girlfriend,” etc. in my life. “Victim” and “survivor” were certainly two I never wanted to add to that list. Unfortunately, in life we don’t always have control over the things that happen to us. I have always been the kind of person who owns my decisions and faces their consequences (good or bad). The fact that having my choice taken away from me was completely outside of my control is something I’ve struggled with by myself, in counseling, and in sharing with others.

Two months after my assault I got a phone call. It was an invitation to come to Florida. I had applied for the TWLOHA internship in January and was being invited to join their second intern group. Given everything I had going on I probably should have stayed home. But I knew in my heart that I got that call for a reason and I was meant to go. The first few months in Florida reminded me of the person I had been before the attack. I was able to actually share what happened to me, and acknowledge the fear I felt in doing so.

As you are reading this, know that many of my friends and family will be finding out for the first time. Part of what took me so long to share this was the fear of how they would see me. Will they think I’m fragile? Broken? Damaged goods? Unfortunately that is a possibility, but most likely they will still see me as me and love me unconditionally. I learned I had to stop treating myself like a glass shell if I didn’t want other people to either. On a regular basis I debate sharing my assault with the new people who come into my life. When is it appropriate to let a new friend in on a painful part of your past? How many dates do I wait to tell the guy sitting across from me what happened? Right away? After six months? In two years?

I haven’t figured the answers out to those questions, but I have been truly amazed at the kindness of strangers and new friends I’ve opened up to. They don’t see me as damaged goods. They don’t see me as broken. They see a girl who is trying to make peace with a horrible thing she had no control over. And while June 20 is something that I wish with everything in me had never happened, I work each day to make peace with the past. I try to find comfort in knowing each new day brings me further from it.

To say that walking through my assault was a battle is an understatement. But I have been able to with the help of family, close friends and my counselor. If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted please know that help is out there and that it does get better. This is not your fault. Those words don’t change what happened, but they are true. In the aftermath, the outcome seemed pretty bleak, but as I slowly allowed myself to fall back into a routine and talk to a counselor things got better. I started to be comfortable again in things that had never bothered me previously. I stopped being afraid to walk alone outside at night. I could sleep in a house alone. My panic attacks subsided. It didn’t happen over night, but it did happen. If this is something that has happened to you please, please talk to someone. Don’t hide this. Don’t live in the pain.  We have resources on our find help section, or you can visit RAINN.

There are days where it feels like it happened yesterday, and days where it feels like it was three years ago. But then there is today, and it feels like a quote from one of my favorite books:

“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees – just as things grow in fast movies – I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer."

-F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Comments (63) | Posted in General, Journal by Chloe Grabanski

Denny Kolsch is a TWLOHA staff member with a powerful story of healing and recovery.

Comments (33) | Posted in General, Journal by Chloe Grabanski

A woman named Brenda wrote the words below. Our relationship with Brenda began in March, when she attended our MOVE Community Conference in Austin. Two weeks ago, Brenda lost her daughter in a car accident. The words below are words of grief, words of honesty, words of mourning. They are an expression of pain. It is our belief that they are also brilliant and beautiful and powerful. We post them here believing that Brenda is not alone in the darkness of her loss, that other people know that place, have been there or will be there. We post Brenda's words hoping that someone might read them and feel permission to be human, permission to ache. Perhaps more than anything, we post them in hopes that someone, maybe even you, might feel less alone.

The word "fuck" appears multiple times in this post. It crossed our minds not to post this here because we know that a lot of people have a problem with this word. While we certainly understand and respect that, our hope is that people will look beyond the profanity to the heart of the matter: These are the words of a grieving mother attempting to communicate how she feels. Her words are hers to choose. And while we believe that words are important, we certainly believe that people are more important.

And so we stand with Brenda in this time. And if you're hurting right now, we stand with you as well.

***************************************************************************************************************

You are going along and you are maintaining your ground, your dignity, your sanity, and then WHAM! It comes undone. You may be paying the person at WalMart, sitting in Torchy’s, walking, sitting, sleeping, and then WHAM! It comes undone. You lose ground, lose dignity, lose insanity and the pain is so deep the only sense of reality you have is found in drowning. I weep and I drown in the pain.

And the f u's come. Damn the f u’s. But are they not delicious? It is as if I am saying, Yes! Hand me the God damned apple!  I will take a bite. Not just a tiny bite, but a big fucking bite of everything that is wrong in this world and I will vomit it out!

To the dude that was supposed to do the ONE GOD DAMNED THING I CARED ABOUT AT THE FUNERAL.

Thank you for fucking up the service!

Thank you for not being able to show the pictures at the funeral that I SPENT PAINFUL HOURS ON! THAT NEXT TO VIDEOING HER SERVICE SO ONE DAY HER DAUGHTER COULD SEE IT, WHICH I HAVE NO DOUBT YOU FUCKED UP THAT TOO, THANK YOU FOR FUCKING UP THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME!

Fuck you.

I forgive you.

To the woman who I had to talk to because now I have to buy a ticket for Avigail to go with us to Maine, thank you for hearing me cry as I had to explain that her mother died and now she was mine. THANK YOU FOR ENDING THE CONVERSATION WITH, I HOPE YOUR DAUGHTER GETS BETTER! THANK YOU FOR IGNORING WHAT I WAS SAYING AND BEING A DUMB ASS!

Fuck you.

I forgive you.

To those of you who walked out of the service, first let me say this, DO NOT explain yourself to me. You can’t. You did one of the most self- centered selfish things and when I walked out to get Avigail as I planned, just coming out of such horrible pain and grief and see all of you in the lobby laughing and joking, the sight made me want to vomit right there. I was totally taken off guard by your insensitivity and I was supposed to take Avigail back in…… I couldn’t. I was totally numb the rest of the reception because I was so hurt over that moment.

Fuck you.

I forgive you.

To the woman on Mopac who tailgated me to the point I simply came to a stop right on Mopac so she would go around me, and if she got out of the car, I planned on tearing her apart one limb at a time, thank you. Thank you for being an unbelievable idiot and being a conduit for my anger instead of on someone I love.

Fuck you.

I forgive you.

To the people who fart scripture at me and don’t know how to just talk like a normal person…

Fuck you.

I forgive you.

To the people who said I don’t know what to say, I don’t have words.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you Michael for looking me in the eyes when you were speaking of my daughter and Avigail.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you Arjun, I don’t know why, but your words to me were very healing.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you Taqwacore kids for tweeting that I look like Patti Smith. I don’t do tweeting, Lauren tried to get me too, but I never followed through with it, but it got back to me.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you to the young people who have messaged me what she meant to you.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you to my many, many, many friends TOO MANY TO NAME! who have reached out and said, I can’t sleep because of your pain, I can’t think because of your pain. Thank you for entering into my pain with me.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you to To Write Love on Her Arms (www.twloha.com) who sent me flowers and have entered into the pain of thousands and are not afraid!!!

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you Pastor Ryan and Pastor Randy for allowing messy people like me into your congregation and loving me and allowing me to be myself even though I am different from what you are used to.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you strippers and strip club managers that have over and over ministered to me with intense love.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you to my family.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you Justin for not committing suicide.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you Chriselda, my best friend, for EVERYTHING!

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you Delayne for paying my doctor bill when I was scared I would not be able to stand to deliver my daughter’s eulogy.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you to every person who has donated to the fund for Avigail.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you music for helping me to live and breathe.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thank you silence. Thank you sky. Thank you owl. Thank you acorn. Thank you ring. Thank you worn boots. Thank you mole. Thank you sand. Thank you blood. Thank you hair. Thank you white. Thank you torn veil. Thank you dark theatre. Thank you forgiveness. Thank you broken hip. Thank you water. Thank you dance. Thank you wound. Thank you scar. Thank you pain. Thank you joy. Fuck you night, thank you morning.

I love you.

Comments (57) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

For more info or to apply click here. Deadline to apply for the Fall term is June 30.

Comments (1) | Posted in General by Chloe Grabanski

Several months ago, Caitlin Crosby, founder of The Giving Keys, began receiving online requests for “TWLOHA” engraved keys. She had seen numerous orders for keys engraved with words like "hope," "love," and "strength," but why TWLOHA? She mentioned this to her friend Stephanie Hopson of Vanguard Records (a huge supporter of our organization) and a few days later an email from Caitlin appeared in my inbox.

We checked out her website and a few of us on staff instantly fell in love with the concept. Not to mention, we LOVED the keys! Caitlin used to engrave keys to sell at music festivals, but over time she felt that something was missing. One rainy day on Hollywood Boulevard, Caitlin found the missing piece. She met a couple named Cera and Rob, both homeless and struggling to survive. She fell in love with their story and their hearts. Caitlin began to pay them to engrave her keys and soon keys sold more quickly, which resulted in employment for Cera and Rob. Their new jobs gave them a chance to move off the streets and truly get the fresh start they deserved. And, Caitlin's organization was born.

Everything we learned about The Giving Keys was so encouraging and we knew we wanted to be part of it. Caitlin and I started emailing back and forth brainstorming ways our organizations could work together. It was amazing to me that that so many people were choosing to engrave "TWLOHA" on their keys. It is what they identified with, what they wanted to wear each day. Plus, one of the greatest parts of this project is what happens when you purchase a key. When you buy a key you promise to one day give it away, or “Pay It Forward.” The instructions are to give your necklace to a person you feel needs the message/word on that key the most. Once you share your key with someone else, you head over to their website and share why you shared your necklace and the message it carries. Pay it forward – a simple concept, and in this case, a great way for someone to learn about TWLOHA while feeling loved and cared for.

So, because these exchanges are happening across the globe, The Giving Keys crew is now offering our TWLOHA supporters an exclusive deal! From now until June 30th, TWLOHA supporters will receive $5 off every key ordered using the discount code “TWLOHA” at checkout. And you can purchase a key with any word engraved on it. (For example: if you order three keys, you’ll receive $15 off.)

On top of this great deal, for every “TWLOHA” engraved key sold, The Giving Keys will donate $5 to TWLOHA! We are so grateful for their support. More than anything though, we hope this brings you unexpected conversations. We hope your key helps you own your story, share it with others and maybe even connect with someone along the way. We already have our own “TWLOHA” engraved keys so let’s just pretend we have a few that say “discount” and it’s time for us to “Pay It Forward” and pass it on to you! Enjoy! :)



With Hope,
Jessica

Comments (7) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

We were on the road for seven weeks, all across America, for a chapter i won't forget. The opportunity was both amazing and challenging - the chance to speak to hundreds of people every night, briefly before Anberlin would take the stage. As the weeks went by, TWLOHA was introduced to thousands of people and there was the feeling that something was happening. Chris from Bayside wore our shirt on Craig Ferguson's show and then Deon from Anberlin did the same a few days later. It was an exciting time and something like a traveling camp, everyone rooting for each other and celebrating the good news as it came. That part was incredible and yet for me it was also a strange existence, each day revolving around two or three minutes on stage.

This was early 2007, Anberlin's "Cities" U.S. tour and for me, it was also a painful time. i was in a relationship that was coming apart and so the time on the road was filled with conflict and uncertainty. Looking back, it feels almost like a movie - getting to see so many places for the first time, so much hope with the organization starting to take off and yet so much drama as well.

Along the way, there was this adorable girl who brought a little bit of sunshine everywhere we went. She was always smiling and she was always kind. Her band opened the show each night and their song "Monster" was always a highlight.

The adorable girl was Dia Frampton, and the band was Meg & Dia. Hopefully, some people discovered them on that tour. Either way, it's safe to say that a whole bunch of folks know about Dia now. Below is her cover of Kanye West's "Heartless," which she performed live on "The Voice" last night.

Comments (6) | Posted in Music by jamie tworkowski

What a busy and exciting season it’s been! As summer begins to gain momentum and spring draws to a close, we wanted to give you guys a recap of our very exciting spring conference series and all the wonderful experiences we’ve been able to share as a team.

As some of you know, we recently held three MOVE Community Conferences during our spring conference season, visiting Austin, TX at UT Austin during the film and interactive week of SXSW; heading to Los Angeles, CA to host a conference at a very cool, old movie theater in downtown Hollywood; and then wrapping up in a gorgeous historic church in New York City, NY. These conferences were our largest ever, drawing in over 200 attendees from the US and Canada! And these conferences were unique because we were able to work with a partner organization for the first time.

Seven months ago, we were invited out to Los Angeles by the production company Participant Media to view a movie called The Beaver. We honestly didn’t know what to make of the title or the synopsis – a story about a father’s crippling depression that causes him to find solace and expression through a beaver puppet in order to gain control of his life – but we were eager to learn more. What we learned was that Jodie Foster had produced and directed a wonderful film that explores the truth about how mental illness can impact a family, damage relationships, and cause pain and confusion. However, while it’s true that mental illness affects more than the person struggling, this movie also reminds viewers that hope is inherent in the struggle for those who seek to find it, and that redemption is possible for all people in the midst of that type of pain.

The Participant Media folks became fast friends as our partnership developed into what their company calls a “social action campaign.” In each campaign, an organization is chosen to benefit financially from the movie’s advertising budget, in order to meet people on a ground level in ways that directly connect with each film the company produces. Our MOVE Community Conferences were a perfect fit because of our effort to educate community members who are passionate about understanding and speaking into the topic of mental health, and erasing the stigma and shame that surrounds those issues.  It is our hope that those who attend MOVE would become true catalysts for change in the cities and regions they’re from.

Because of our partnership with Participant Media, and their gracious $60,000 grant, we were able to host three entirely revamped conferences. With a much larger budget, we were able to print brand-new, beautiful materials, update our curriculum, hire an additional counselor named Alison to interact with attendees alongside counselors Aaron and Michelle Moore, bring multiple TWLOHA staff members to each event, rent large, beautiful venues, and use film clips from The Beaver to bring some of our teaching points to life in a new way. Not only that, but the support we experienced from within the film community was incredible. It encouraged us so much to learn that there are people working within Hollywood to push for a more accurate glimpse into the reality of mental illness. Like we so often say, you are not alone in your story. We were reminded that there are so many people in the film industry who understand pain, addiction, mental illness and stories that end too soon. And that they’re working hard to do something about it.

At the premiere of the film, a few of us had the privilege of “walking the red carpet” and experiencing the movie in a theater of anxious moviegoers. Listening to Jodie Foster speak to her motivation behind making the film was a gift. We were impressed by her honesty and understanding about the reality of the pain and hope possible in the mental health community. She expressed over and over again how passionate she is about mental health in her personal life and on the screen.

Jodie said that the story had a balance of lightness and heaviness, and the challenge was in sharing something so heavy with the appropriate levels of humor and wit that accompany the pains and joys of our struggle. She said, “For me, it’s a very personal film, and it has to do with all of my struggles, all the things I think about obsessively, and where I’m at in this particular point of my life. And I think the graduation speech [at the end of the film] really sums up the final message of the movie, which is that we all have these struggles, and that life is full of the half-comedy and half-tragedy. And really, the only way to get through it is to know you’re not alone. And that connection is the one thing that makes the loneliness of this life bearable.”

Sitting in the theater proved why TWLOHA had been chosen to play a role in this social action campaign. Everything Jodie spoke about in reference to mental health was exactly the message we strive to share on a daily basis. Our MOVE Community Conferences are just one of the many ways we help fight against this stigma of silence. We have our MOVE attendees to thank for that! Each conference is incredible because it is full of people who seek to become leaders in their communities. People who want to make sure help is available locally, and that people seeking to find answers would know it’s ok to ask. And our hope is that we are able to continue partnering with organizations, businesses and companies who care deeply about people joining together to support one another when life takes a confusing turn.

As we look ahead to the future, we are excited to share that we will be holding three more MOVE Community Conferences before the end of 2011. We are taking the summer off to plan for the fall, so anticipate new cities and dates in the coming months. Keep an eye on the website for updates.

As always, you are welcome to email us with questions at move@twloha.com. We love hearing from you.









Kaitlyn
Director of MOVE Community Conferences

Comments (1) | Posted in General, Journal by Kaitlyn Suveg

In both 2009 and 2010, more soldiers died by suicide than were killed in combat. On this Memorial Day, as we pause to remember the men and women killed in combat, we choose also to remember the soldiers lost to suicide.

Comments (16) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Today is Yom Ha-Shoah, Holocaust Remembrance Day. A day steeped in the deepest of contrasts where we seek to honor the lives and souls of six million people, but doing so in whispers so to keep their lives sacred.

Back in college, I participated every year in a reading of the names. This reading would go on for twenty-four hours as candles burned, and we would recite names and ages of those who have left us.

Yacov Gottlieb, age 32

Channa Gottlieb, age 27

Abram Gottlieb, age 4

"Baby" Gottlieb

Names of an entire family, existing now in hushed and choked utterances.

There's an irony there...almost an innate refusal to acknowledge such tragedies, but to let this event escape our collective memory is to tread on some very dangerous ground. For many survivors of the Holocaust, it is literally unimaginable to try to remember those years, and yet they are driven to. I was honored to have spent a few hours with a survivor a couple years ago. He spoke of being sustained by dreams of something better. He said he was fed by scraps, yet nourished by hope.  This was a man who had to erase the word "never" from his vocabulary. He said that word exists at the root of all pain. The second we believe that a tragedy could never happen is the same moment where we drop our guard. Conversely, if we believe that joy will never return, we squelch that divine spark that resides in us all that represents the fight.  Nietzsche once said (popularly quoted by Viktor Frankl) "he who has a 'why' can bear almost any 'how.'" That is to say, we are capable of enduring just about anything if we can identify a reason, a dream, a person, or ideal to fight for.

Only a generation or two separates us from one of the worst seasons in human history, where countless individuals were trapped in a literal and daily fight for their lives. But if you had a chance to talk to a survivor, they would tell you that the fight is far from over. Atrocities against human dignity are happening today. Uganda, Rwanda, and Darfur, the sex trade (both domestic and abroad), addiction, AIDS, human rights, and mental health. These are all issues that demand our attention. These efforts must extend past simple awareness campaigns, and words must be coupled with action.

Perhaps one of the greatest lessons to be learned from one of our darkest chapters is that your life matters. The entire cannon of our existence can boil down to the fact that the thoughts in your head and the dreams that you swear could be real make you sacred. The foundational crime of the Holocaust was that people, human beings, were forced to accept the lie that they were somehow less than human. Today is a rally cry for the human spirit. Today is a starting point, where we can vow to not let discomfort stand in the way of affirming one another. A day where we can celebrate that this world is a different and better place for the simple fact that you call it home, and where we dance to the unheard rhythm of your heartbeat.  Take time today to find ways to validate this in one another. Tip a janitor, pay for a stranger's coffee, open the door for a complete stranger, leave a friendly message on a phone, or in a book, or in the pollen of an unwashed car. There is so much more that connects us than could ever separate us.

In the constant memory of the six million, I stand for those who have ever felt less than "worth it." You are priceless, and I hope that you feel that today.

ברוך דין האמת
Chad  

Comments (15) | Posted in General, Journal by Chloe Grabanski

Today is our interns' last official day in the TWLOHA office. This day always seems to be the hardest for our team because we have to say our goodbyes to six people we’ve worked alongside and relied on for the past four months. But the hardest thing about it is that we are not just saying goodbye to interns, we are saying goodbye to six members of our family.

We are so incredibly grateful for every project they’ve helped with, every event they’ve worked, and every message they’ve compassionately responded to. At the end of the term we look back and get to see the total number of lives that our interns have encouraged, inspired and cared for. Over the past four months, there were 1,983 messages that our interns shared the message of love and hope, and the most powerful thing is that there were 1,983 people behind each of these messages. Some of these messages were of heartache, pain and struggle, but many were of recovery, healing and strength. It's always a mix. 

As the hours count down, we are just so thankful for the moments of honesty, encouragement and beauty our interns brought into our office every single day. It’s not an easy thing to work and live with six strangers, but our interns have done it with grace. There were hard times with moments of conflict, but there were also moments of laughter, excitement, and the best of humanity on display for us to see.

On behalf of the TWLOHA staff, I want to thank Kelsey, Alyssa, Brendan, Kevin, Amanda and Joe for everything they’ve done while in Cocoa and for being apart of our TWLOHA family. We are so grateful to be a part of your story and we can’t wait for the next chapter. 

With Love,
Lindsay Kolsch
Intern Program Director

Comments (7) | Posted in General, Journal by Chloe Grabanski

Jamie Tworkowski talks about TWLOHA's history and values + his own struggles, motivations and more. http://bit.ly/ij55Rg

Comments (101) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Comments (38) | Posted in General, Merch by jamie tworkowski

Over the last year and a half I have watched our organization participate in some very exciting things; from winning $100,000 from Chase Community Giving to a full-page ad in USA TODAY to being named “Must-Follow Non-Profit” by Mashable.

All these things have raised awareness, spread hope, encouraged others, and spread the message of TWLOHA in new ways. And none of them could have happened had it not been for the dedication and care demonstrated by our supporters.  You guys have helped TWLOHA reach new audiences, raise awareness, and bring the message of hope and help to new areas of the world, now reaching so many more people than we ever could have imagined. Our supporters, Street Team, and UChapter members have proven time and again their commitment to reaching out to others and starting conversations, offering hope and the promise of redemption, and loving others well.

Our University Chapters have played an integral part in this movement, and today we want to celebrate them. We currently have 49 active, official TWLOHA University Chapters. Our chapters span two countries, 24 states, and hundreds of people. Chapters members work tirelessly to bring the message of TWLOHA to their campuses, inspiring hope, encouraging help, and reminding people that they are not alone. Building community is a huge focus of our chapters, and they have shown us again and again how sharing our lives, knowing others, and being intentional can influence the world around us in positive ways.

As you may have already seen, to thank our chapters for their endless support, we have created exclusive and personalized UChapters Title Logo shirts. You may have seen pictures of them floating around the UChapters Tumblr. Debuting these shirts has raised a lot of questions so we’d like to answer some of those now.

Q: Why were these shirts created?
These UChapters Program shirts were created to thank our chapters for the work they do for us. They are also intended to help unify our chapters at their events and build community within the chapter.

Q: How can I get one?
The only way to get one of these custom shirts is to join an already active TWLOHA UChapter or start a chapter on your campus. If you are not sure if your school has a chapter on campus, you can see a list of our active chapters here.

Q: How do I start a University Chapter on my campus?
If you are interested in starting a chapter on your campus, please email chapters@twloha.com for more information about how to get started. The first step is to attend a MOVE Community Conference where you will gain the necessary knowledge of the issues and tools needed to lead a chapter on your campus.  To find out more about MOVE, including dates and locations of upcoming conferences, please visit our website.

Q: Will these shirts be available online?
No, these shirts were created specifically for UChapters members. They will not be made available in our online store.

Thank you, each of you, for your continued support and care for TWLOHA. Our hearts are filled with gratitude and the excitement of what's to come. You are valued and loved in so many ways.

With Hope,
Holly

Comments (2) | Posted in General, Merch by Chloe Grabanski

"RENEE" the Movie from www.RENEEthemovie.com on Vimeo.

Comments (27) | Posted in General by Chloe Grabanski

Chloe reflects on her time in Europe.

I’ve always heard that an international trip requires months and months of planning. There are cell phone plans to be changed, key foreign words to learn, and travel adapters to be bought. From what I understand, usually everything is very calculated and mapped out, but if there is anything I’ve learned during my two and half years with TWLOHA, it’s that things don’t always happen the “usual way.” What was supposed to be a five-day vacation in Europe to visit my friend turned into a really incredible opportunity for us as an organization. We were invited to join Crown Jewel Defense on tour in Europe where they would be opening for Young Guns and All Time Low. We were asked to come along on their first ever tour because they believe in what we are doing, and want to help spread the message of TWLOHA. 

After several emails and phone calls, my plane ticket was changed and I had to be ready to fly to London in twenty-two very short hours. The tour would start in Brussels in Belgium, then continue on to Amsterdam in the Netherlands, Hamburg and Berlin in Germany and end in Vienna, Austria. I had never been to Europe and I couldn’t believe I’d have the opportunity to experience so many different cities on my first trip there. But, as exciting as that was, it wasn’t why I wanted to go. A lot of people think going on tour means you get to “see” a lot of the places you are. But it’s actually quite the opposite. For the most part, you see the venue and the city within a two-block radius before you head to the next show the following day. So while I knew it would be neat I would be able to say I had been to each of those cities, my reason for going was much greater and had to do with people. I decided to go because of you guys. 

Every day we receive emails and messages from people asking us to come to their town. And despite not being able to go everywhere we want to, our hearts are still in the small towns of Nebraska and the Russian tundra. So my purpose for going was the opportunity to meet our European supporters face-to-face. I couldn’t wait to put faces to the comments, messages and tweets from people in these far-away cities who frequently ask us to bring TWLOHA across the Atlantic. I wanted to hear their stories, hearts, answer questions and open up a dialogue. Given the short notice I was worried people wouldn’t be able to join us for informal meet and greets in each city. But I should have known better. Within minutes there was an abundance of emails from people asking for details and how long we’d be there. 

I didn’t know how similar, and yet different Europe would be from the United States. I was shocked that nearly everyone I encountered spoke English in addition to the standard language of spoken in their country. I felt understood, and could communicate with people, which is important when you’re in an unfamiliar place. One of the first supporters I met asked me, “Do people look different here?” And the answer is no. The biggest difference I noticed and felt was how relaxed everyone seemed. 

Europeans seem to embrace the calm. You can sit in a café for hours and never be interrupted by the server. Time doesn’t seem to be of great importance. I was never rushed, or hurried by anyone. As someone who is glued to my BlackBerry, not having a phone was a foreign experience for me.  When I went to my first coffee shop I was confused and at first frustrated why the waiter didn’t practically demand my order a few moments after sitting down, or bring me the check after my first few sips of coffee. In recent years I’ve noticed America seems to be more worried about quantity instead of quality. I didn’t find that to be true in Europe.

During each meet and greet I was able to fully engage in conversation with each of the supporters that joined me because they weren’t in a rush either. Everyone around me was focused on the present, and living in the moment, instead of worrying about what they had to do in the next few hours, days and weeks. A very basic concept I didn’t realize I myself had gotten so far away from prior to this trip. And to be honest, something I’ve practically abandoned all together. Something I wasn’t aware I was missing. 

The entire trip was such an amazing experience because of the people I was fortunate enough to meet. I sat with four girls at a café in Amsterdam and we laughed about the simple things in life. I had a heavy conversation with two girls in Hamburg, one of which had lost their father to suicide four years ago. In Berlin six of us sat in a café hiding from the cold and talked about ways to bring awareness to mental health issues in Europe. Being established with offices internationally is something we dream of doing, and something we aspire to have one day. Something I hope to be a part of because now that I’ve met so many of our international supporters and I’ve seen the places those messages come from it is not something I can easily let go of or forget about. 

Europe, you are wonderful. I miss your beautiful cities, amazing coffee, the new friends we made and everyone I was fortunate enough to meet. I hope all of our international supporters know how much you mean to us, and that we hope we see more of you very, very soon.

With love,
Chloe

Comments (15) | Posted in General, Journal, Music by Chloe Grabanski

We would like to extend a special invitation to you to join us at our upcoming MOVE Community Conferences this spring!

MOVE conferences are designed for people looking to engage others in conversations about the topics TWLOHA addresses: depression, addiction, self-injury, suicide, and the role a trusted community plays in bringing hope to those who feel broken. We believe that these issues are not spoken about as often as they need to be, largely due to their stigmatized and taboo nature in society. This conference stems from the idea that uniting our resources helps take people from places of pain to places of hope and healing. MOVE is for someone new to these topics entirely or someone who has worked in a mental health setting for years. This two-day, in-depth, engaging workshop is led by professional counselors, where we explore what is behind these struggles, what drives them, what recovery looks like, and how we can make a difference where we live.

Our team was able to bring MOVE to seven US cities in 2010, and we’re excited to begin our conference series with three huge conferences in Austin, Los Angeles, and New York City at a greatly reduced cost.  

First up is our MOVE conference in Austin, Texas. MOVE Austin will be held on Friday, March 11th and Saturday, March 12th, from 9 - 5 at The University of Texas at Austin (hosted by the UT Austin UChapter).  

We believe you will find our conference engaging, educational, and essential for beginning and continuing life-changing conversations about mental health in your community. If you would like to join us, email move@twloha.com for an application today. Additional dates and information can be found on our website.

Hope to see you soon!

With Hope,
Kaitlyn
Director of MOVE Community Conferences

Comments (6) | Posted in General by Chloe Grabanski

I’d like to start off with a confession: I’ve always been pretty bad about the whole “optimism” thing. That’s not to say that I don’t believe in hope, because I do. It’s just that I think that hoping for “the best” or in redemption is different than expecting the best. I’ve never been able to turn a blind eye to reality. I do find beauty in honesty, even, and especially, when that honesty feels a bit fractured.

We live in a funny time, and we’ve spoken about that in the past, that the Internet has radically affected the way we see and interact with the world around us, and perhaps most greatly changed how we see and interact with other people. Social media profiles have become the lens through which we experience life. We pick our “hottest” pictures to represent ourselves, and we find or create the right label to express our views. We throw our hearts out there, pretending that 140 characters can accurately sum up what makes us tick. Perhaps the worst thing is that we have bought the lie that we are worth the collective thoughts of our “friends” and “followers.”  In all of this, I think that we’ve abandoned a crucial truth – that to speak into someone else’s life is, and always has been, a privilege. Not a right.

This tour has carried me to a variety of cities, but I had circled the Seattle date on my calendar long ago, and I think that that is mostly due to the anticipation I felt of getting to revisit the pieces of my heart that I have left in the care of my friends who live there. Seattle brings to mind the idea of “vulnerable love,” which is the bravest of all loves, where love is best expressed as a privilege. Vulnerable Love, enables us to open up, knowing full well that conversations will be difficult, or that confessions may be greeted with a flinch, but in the end knowing that nothing will hinder the mutual respect you share in those whom you place your trust. Vulnerable Love is one that stands in the same category as music. One that speaks not out of rebellion, but rather in seeking revolution. This love moves constantly, there is no room for the stagnant. It understands that hugs can’t make everything OK, but dammit, I am going to squeeze you harder than ever because I can’t stand the thought of you thinking you’re alone in that moment.

I felt this Vulnerable Love other night, and while leaving Seattle is always hard for me, that morning was especially difficult.  Being on tour isn’t glamorous. Don’t get me wrong, there are parts of touring that I wouldn’t trade for anything, but while I get to be in a new city every day, that also means that I have to leave that new city the next day. Conversations don’t travel on interstates very well. Heaviness sits with things left unsaid, and unresolved conflicts travel with me. 

Seattle brought a mixture of emotion. I was able to see some dear friends, but hear hard news about their lives. I spent 30 minutes with a homeless man, hearing his story and listening to his soulful, gritty songs, but a minute later his booze-induced forgetfulness fueled a new introduction to me where he made up a completely new story about his life. I was able to connect with a bar owner who, upon finding out about us for the first time (and will be celebrating 7 years sobriety in March), loved our message of hope, but then talked for nearly an hour with someone who struggles with these issues and said she had only “heard” about us, and thought we only sell shirts and prey on perceived weakness. Beneath her steadily raising voice was a deep concern that maybe this situation was indeed hopeless.

This last interaction struck me hard and continues to travel with me, and for those of you who feel like you’re in a moment, or season, or year of hopelessness, know that I am with you. Those moments when you feel like forcing a smile is the biggest lie you’ve ever told, know that we are with you. You don’t have to fear honesty, or feel wrong for not subscribing to optimism. We aren’t intimidated by your questions.  Your voice is beautiful and your breathing serves as a protest to all that is holding you down. You can scream at the darkness, make it afraid of your life, and we will be there cheering you on.

We deserve to be known. Our battle is not one of heroism, where we must pass through our valleys alone. We are here to extend Vulnerable Love. The young woman I mentioned earlier spoke to me in honesty, and what started out as uncomfortable soon became very special. There wasn’t a happy ending, or a grand resolution in this conversation, but she did tell me that she enjoyed the chance to talk plainly about these matters. I couldn’t help but smile when she continuously interrupted me saying, “Stop telling me what ‘we’ believe… Tell me what YOU think.” 

And thus, I believe that we are more than the banners we operate under, be it religion, or geography, or age, or philosophy, or our favorite non-profit. We are what we express of ourselves in honesty, and it’s worth every bit of fight necessary to find where our voice can be heard and honored. So fight. And don’t think you’re fighting alone.  Use your voice, your passions, and your friends. The true friends who you can’t wait to see again.

Hope is not always expected, but that’s what makes it so much more beautiful in the end.

Chad

PS: TWLOHA info and merch will be out on the rest of the Jarrod Gorbel tour. Check out the list of cities below to see if we're coming close to you.
San Antonio, TX
Austin, TX
Houston, TX
Dallas, TX
Fayetteville, AR
Lawrence, KS
St. Louis, MO
Newport, KY
Columbus, OH
Pittsburgh, PA

Comments (19) | Posted in General, Journal by Chad Moses

My friend Don wrote a blog about you today and his blog suggests that you used to look a lot different than you do today. He says that you are the product of a poet and that before this poet's pen, you were not a romantic holiday.

i think i would have liked you more back then, whenever that was. The truth is that you really bother me now. i think you bother a lot of people, honestly. You show up every year right after Christmas. You turn the windows pink and you sell your diamonds on the radio and i think i've gotten five emails from 1-800-FLOWERS in the last three days. i'm not sure how you got so much power.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that i don't like love. i love love - i think it's the best thing that happens on the planet. It's the biggest dream inside me. But i bought a lie somewhere along the way. i bought the lie that says i'm not alive if i'm not in love. i bought the lie that says if i love someone but then they stop loving me or they start loving someone else, then i must have no value or power or worth. i bought the lie that says if i'm not in love, then i'm as good as dead.

And if you believe that lie long enough, it makes a giant hole. It makes a hole so big that no one person could ever begin to fill it. Not even a princess. Believe me, i've tried. To fill it with a person, to fill it with beauty, to fill it with all the things you sell. 

But i don't think it works that way. Bono says his songs come from a God-shaped hole inside of him. He's my favorite singer and he has a lot of things. He has great stories and a wife and kids and plenty of money. But in spite of all of those things, he says he still has this hole and he says that it's the reason that he sings.

i've been thinking lately that maybe i've confused a girl for God, a different one every year or two, since the first day of junior high. And man, that is a lot of pressure to put on someone, to make them God. That is a ton of power to hand someone. Especially when they're just a person. A person with questions and flaws and pain of their own.

So maybe there's a war, inside of me and for me and maybe my heart is the opposite of small. Maybe it's the opposite of cheap and empty and alone. Maybe it's sacred and enormous and wild.

To make a long story short, i think i've given you way too much power. i let you scare me and i let you name me and i let you tell me what i'm worth.

i don't want to do that anymore.

There are dreams inside of me and those are mine and my guess is that they're there for a reason. But for all the days like now where the dreams are asked to be only dreams, i'm gonna keep getting out of bed. i'm gonna keep living my story. i'm gonna believe that there is reason and purpose, and power in my life. i'm gonna believe that i'm alive inside a story bigger than my pain, bigger than everything missing.

It crossed my mind to try to ignore you, to try to go to bed early and wake up when you're gone. But i changed my mind. i am part of a gang in Florida and we're gonna get together tonight. We're going to open our computers and we're going to choose to believe that words are powerful. We're gonna do our best to tell someone something true. We're gonna ask people not to give up on their stories.

Valentine's Day, i don't hate you. i don't even blame you. Perhaps you did not name yourself. Perhaps you are the product of hundreds of years, hundreds of thousands of broken people and a million God-shaped holes.

The truth is that we're all living love stories.

Peace to you tonight.
jamie

PS: i wrote this while listening to The Script's Science & Faith.

Comments (54) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

This past Saturday we attended the 4th annual AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk in Orlando, FL. The rain that had threatened us all week held off, and it turned out to be a beautiful, sunny, 75-degree morning. (A huge relief since last year the winds were so bad our tent kept blowing away!)

The Out of the Darkness event is one of our favorites because of the special way attendees care for one another and find hope in the stories shared, but this particular walk was a highly-anticipated event for us as a team. Some coworkers and I thought it would be neat to create info cards to match the beads walkers are handed upon arrival.



At these walks, participants wear beads to signify the reason they are there. White beads are worn for the loss of a child by suicide. You wear red for a lost spouse or partner. Gold for a parent, orange for a sibling. Blue means you support the cause. You wear green beads if you’ve struggled personally, and you wear purple if you’ve lost a relative or a friend. Our cards were a simple message of why we were there – to walk for those who have died, for those who’ve lost a loved one, and for those fighting to stay alive. I was proud to walk among the 821 participants who had worked hard to raise over $50,437 for suicide prevention and recovery.



The walk is always a special day for our team, and attending had been a real privilege for me in the past. But this year was different. This year I attended with an entirely different reality than I did exactly one year ago. This year, I wore purple beads around my neck and I walked in honor of my best friend.

I lost my best friend Brittany this year, and it rocked my world. I mean it. Shook everything that was solid and challenged so much of what I understood. Having worked in the realm of addictions and mental health for a few years before she shared with me about an addiction that had been present in her life for nearly as long as I knew her, I quickly came to understand that helping a stranger and helping a best friend are two completely different realities. So last February I took her hand, and we walked it. We walked that road of recovery together for roughly three months before she passed away in May. After her death I began attending survivor support groups and going to grief counseling for free through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's online locator. Because I work with suicide prevention as a huge part of my job, it was really important that I embraced the grieving process entirely. It could have been easy to carry guilt and lose sight of hope. Working for TWLOHA during this season has been a blessing I cannot even begin to articulate, and my coworkers have been a huge part of my grieving process as well. It’s ok to not be ok some days, and that’s just how it is. Attending the event last weekend reminded me of this.

I realized that this walk was about me and about my recovery and health as much as it was about honoring Britt’s incredible life here on earth. I was chatting with a good friend recently, and we were just stunned by the amount of time it has taken us before we’ve been able to recount fond memories of our loved ones lost to suicide and not have those happy memories tainted by the tragedy of their death. However, our memories continue to carry us through, and sooner or later we feel like we can make it through too. I can honestly say that life is beginning to feel more like itself again. It's like color has finally returned to my surroundings.



Suicide brings questions you've never-in-your-wildest-dreams-ever conjured up in your mind right to the forefront. And those endless questions can seep into everything you do. Some days your job, your personal life, your family and friends, and even your dreams can become saturated by the pain you feel. It can make you feel helpless and angry and relieved and unsure and defeated and everything else. And it's all "normal." And it's ok.

So if you or someone you know is struggling in any way, or life is maybe even beginning to feel unlivable, know that you are not alone in your pain. There are professionals willing to help, friends and crisis workers ready to listen, and those who have experienced a pain similar to yours waiting to tell you that it matters, and that life is worth living despite that pain. There is still hope.

Losing Britt was a completely foreign experience, and I never want to lose a loved one by suicide ever again. But the process has changed, grown and stretched so much of who I am. And I am thankful to know that there are many people who care for me and want to continue to carry me when I'm unsure about how to deal with it. This week marks the ninth month since her death, and it’s hard. Really hard. However, I am doing better than I did last month, and that’s worth celebrating. I’ll keep walking for Britt and consider it an honor to adorn myself with those purple beads. I wish I could call her, hug her, tell her that I love her. But it seems that the next best thing is to carry her life’s story along on my journey.

Keep walking toward hope.
Kaitlyn

Comments (61) | Posted in General by Kaitlyn Suveg

Dustin Kensrue of Thrice talks about his connection to TWLOHA and performs "Blanket of Ghosts." TWLOHA founder Jamie Tworkowski speaks, along with counselor Aaron Moore & Denny Kolsch.




P.S. Read a blog about the night from our intern Brendan here.

Comments (5) | Posted in General, Music by Chloe Grabanski

Over the course of the last year, I have had the privilege of watching the TWLOHA University Chapters program grow and develop into a community of students from all over North America who care for and love others. This community is extraordinary. Through organized meetings and events, each chapter serves as a voice of hope, inspiration, and support for students and their surrounding communities. Their dedication to raising awareness, investing in others, and living honest lives has been a daily affirmation of the work that I do in Cocoa, FL.

That's why this past fall it was so exciting to watch our program experience the most growth it has seen since its inception. We added 17 new chapters to the database and received just as many applications to begin the registration process. The desire to spread hope and help to others through the UChapter program is spreading through America, into Canada, and perhaps across the world.

We would like to take a moment to recognize and welcome the newest chapters to join our team since our last update in October. If any of these chapters are near you or at your school, we encourage you to email them and find out how to get involved.

Arizona State University (twloha.asu@gmail.com)
Cornell University (twloha.cornell@gmail.com)
Pittsburg State University (twlohapittstate@gmail.com)
Portland State University (twlohaportlandstate@gmail.com)
Oral Roberts University (twloha.oru@gmail.com)

All other chapter contact information can be found on our website.

Many of our chapters have already started planning for their spring events and there are some really neat things in the works. From benefit concerts to art exhibits, discussion forums to prevention and awareness walks, these events and activities reach out to their campuses and invite students into important conversations about these  previously ignored topics. The young leaders in our chapters have taken great pride in creating places on campus where students feel safe, valued, and cared about through these events. We are excited to be able to continue sharing their accomplishments and goals with you.

I hope that through their excitement you will find inspiration and a yearning to be a part of this community. To learn more about TWLOHA University Chapters and how you can get involved or start one on your campus, please visit www.twloha.com/move/uchapters or email chapters@twloha.com. We hope to hear from you soon.

With Hope,
Holly

P.S. You can also keep up with our chapters by following the TWLOHA UChapters blog on Tumblr

Comments (7) | Posted in General, Journal by Chloe Grabanski

Comments (27) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Over the past couple days we've heard many stories from our friends in Australia addressing the flood disasters happening in Queensland. It has been reported that the area under flood watch is greater than the size of France and Germany combined, and that three quarters of the state has now been declared a disaster zone.

After a flash flood through the town of Toowoomba took the lives of 10 people and left the number missing close to 80 and rising, it occured to me that I may have met some of these people. I've traveled to Brisbane twice over the past two years for Soundwave Festival and realized that it's only an hour and a half away from Toowoomba. We've had hundreds of people stop by the tent to buy a shirt or just say hello. Hundreds of people whose life became intertwined with mine in some way. It can leave you feeling helpless when you're halfway around the world while watching videos like the one below and it doesn't make things any easier.



There will be a lot of rebuilding in Queensland, and we offer thoughts to everyone affected by the floods. You can read more about what's happening in the area here. If you would like to donate to relief efforts, click here.

With Hope,
Chris

Comments (11) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Comments (10) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

We go looking for what went missing. 

That person they used to call it was priceless where did they go am i that easily replaced

We wonder. We wish we didn't wonder but we wonder. And especially today.

And the lies, they aim to name us. They whisper on repeat. They know our dreams, they know our fears. The stolen things, they steal us. Steal us from our families, steal our days, even aim to steal our Christmas. 

But that person they said the most amazing things they said they saw me they said i was special i thought we were building something it was priceless to me i thought i mattered to them how could they call it cheap how could they walk away

And our phones buzz all morning with mass messages and we would trade all of them for a moment with that missing thing. 

Or maybe to forget like in Eternal Sunshine could someone just erase it

If you feel abandoned and haunted today, please know you're not alone. If you feel overwhelmed by questions and pain, please know you're not alone.

Nobody gets to name you. You are not forgettable. You are not replaceable. You are not your pain. You are sacred and special and alive.

i'm not sure what you make of Christmas but if you celebrate this day then perhaps the message is connected. Perhaps that supernatural impossible miracle baby Jesus, perhaps He came to name us. 

To say you matter. You. Priceless. Special.  Sacred. Unique. To say that all of us are also miracles. Unforgettable. Made for love. Made to be loved and known. Made to know and love. 

Do not give up.

Do. Not. Give. Up. Please.

Please. 

Find a friend today or take some space or find a song or a book that feels true. Say a prayer. "A prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages."  

If you need help, then please please ask for help. 

If today is a difficult day, then please know that you are not the only one who feels the way you feel. 

You are not the only one with things missing. Not the only house haunted. 

You are not alone today. You matter very much. You are priceless. 

You. Are. Priceless. 

Merry Christmas.

Comments (93) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

C.J. Hobgood grew up with TWLOHA founder Jamie Tworkowski. Today, he is using his platform as one of the world's best surfers to support TWLOHA in a major way. We caught up with him during the Pipeline Masters in Hawaii to talk about life on tour, transition and chickens. 

Comments (7) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Last week a mom posted a comment on our Facebook. She shared about a trip with her daughter and her daughter's friend to a our event at University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh. I left a comment below hers, asking her to email us so we could get her contact information and give encouragement to her family. She replied to us with the email below. We found inspiration in her words, and a reassurance for everyone here in the office. Another incredible reminder of why we do the work we do every day. Be encouraged. 

Chris

---

Good afternoon.

My thirteen-year-old daughter has been struggling with self-harm (cutting) for nearly a year now. She has been seeing a therapist for the last six months at her own request; before that time we had no insurance coverage, and I promised her that as soon as we did, I would see that she got the help she needed from a professional. The months beforehand were difficult, but not impossible. She hid things very well from me most of the time.

A few weeks ago she called me into her room and said, “I want to show you a shirt I’d like.” I saw TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS in huge letters, and my face must have blanched because her next words were “No, Mom, it’s not what you think. It’s a really good thing.” She explained the website and the mission to me as best she could, and I told her I would check it out for myself. I was surprised to find out that one of her friends had told her about it. As I read the blogs, and the calendar, and the links, I knew this was something that could potentially help her. Then, I saw that you were coming to UW-Oshkosh. Uh oh—a school night, and it’s a two-and-a-half hour drive for us. No matter; I told her that if she and her friend wanted to go, I would take them. We’d have a “chicks only” road trip, we’d have dinner out, attend the event, maybe get shirts or wristbands or a CD, and be home by midnight. They were both ecstatic at the idea.

So, I picked them up after school and we hit the road. All the way up we listened to CDs: the soundtrack to The Crow, the soundtrack to Cool World. My daughter loves both, and I wanted her to be comfortable with her friend along. It seemed to work. We arrived at the venue with a few minutes to spare. She was concerned that we’d be the only ones there. I chuckled and said I doubted very much that would be the case, and in we went.

I will guess there were 400 people in attendance, just from my rough seat-count calculations. The girls were very surprised and happy that “we weren’t alone.” Little did they realize just how not alone they were. We greatly enjoyed Jarrod’s set, and I was very, very moved by Jamie’s story. I knew the girls were listening to every word, because my daughter silenced her cell phone as asked at the beginning—and then put it away so she wouldn’t be interrupted during Jamie’s talk. That spoke volumes to me.

We couldn’t stay for the Q&A because of the time, but I would have loved to. As we were driving home I could hear them chatting quietly in the back seat. Then my daughter spoke up.

“Mom? Would you be mad at me if I changed my Facebook status tomorrow morning to say ‘Because of TWLOHA, I am ready to admit I am addicted?’”

I managed not to choke up. I looked at her in the rear-view mirror and smiled, and said “No, honey. I wouldn’t be mad at all. I’ve told you, I know that cutting is an addictive behavior, haven’t I?”

“You won’t make me delete it or anything?”

“No, I won’t. You know people are going to ask you addicted to what, right?”

“Yeah, I know. But I don’t have to tell them. I can just admit that I am, and that’s enough.”

Indeed. It’s enough. She’s taken another step for herself—thanks to you. Tomorrow morning when she meets with her psychiatrist for the first time I expect she’ll tell him all about last night. She wore her TWLOHA hoodie and wristbands to school today with pride.

Thank you. All of you. You’ve done something for her that I could not.

Blessings,
Her mom

Comments (42) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Hey Guys.

Comments (9) | Posted in General, Music by jamie tworkowski

Through grade school, college, and I’m learning even in life as an adult, it’s not always easy to find where you fit. We are all searching for a place to belong, a community of people who will accept us with our flaws and quirks. We have the privilege of living in an age where geography does not limit our search, and the Internet provides countless avenues of possibility.

This is something Carrie Goldman has been learning more and more over the last few weeks. Her seven year old daughter Katie is a huge Star Wars fan and proudly carried her Star Wars water bottle to school everyday until some of the other kids at school told her that Star Wars was only for boys, she told her mom in tears. Carrie shared Katie’s story on her blog and also her own thoughts about how these small suggestions from friends on the playground may be the seeds of bullying later in middle school and high school. She did not expect the kind of response she received. Katie has been showered with encouraging notes from all over the world to be herself and to embrace her love Star Wars. She’s even had people send her gifts to show their support. You can read more about Katie’s story here.

Tomorrow, December 10, Katie’s school will host a “Proud To Be Me Day” where they will wear something to represent what they are interested in, an opportunity to fly their nerd flag, whatever that flag may be. A fan of Katie’s story also created a Facebook event for people to wear Star Wars gear on the same day to support Katie, and Katie’s family requested that the participants donate Star Wars toys to charities for the holidays.

I feel the same way about books and reading as Katie feels about Star Wars and have been that way ever since I was a tiny girl. I realized it when I couldn’t stop reading the Boxcar Children series in second grade. Whenever I’m taking a break at work or out to lunch, anyone in the office will tell you that I could go on forever about the book I’m currently reading, the number I’m at for the year, or my favorite authors (John Green, FTW).

In my adventures back in time and in the future and to other worlds that sometimes look like ours but with special secrets, I eventually found The Boy Who Lived with his lightning bolt scar and tiny cupboard under the stairs. J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series has woven itself through our generation. Over the past few years, the hardcore fans connected with each other not only in person at school or work or at the bookstore, but also online at MuggleNet.com and The-Leaky-Cauldron.org.

In 2005, two HP fans created The Harry Potter Alliance (HPA) in an effort to lead the way in creating social change in our world, to take a message from a story and its heroes that impacted them so much and live it out. As a 501c3 nonprofit, The HPA’s mission statement says the organization “takes an outside-of-the-box approach to civic engagement by using parallels from the Harry Potter books to educate and mobilize young people across the world toward issues of literacy, equality, and human rights.”

They currently have a project right now called “Dementor Horcrux,” where participants use their creativity to create a hopeful message in the form of writing, photos, drawings, paintings, videos, and songs to inspire people who are struggling with depression, anxiety, and body image issues, people who may not know what hope looks like anymore. We want to say that we believe in the power of voices coming together to sing a chorus of hope, that we are thankful for people willing to be a part of that chorus. You can read more about the “Dementor Horcrux” project here.

Fandoms are about bringing people together, about connecting over a shared treasure. So maybe you don’t understand all the jokes or all the metaphors or the weird words someone made up for a story, but I hope you can appreciate the community that is built through loving the same thing. The HPA is doing just that—using community to fight against loneliness and pain and the lies we hear from the outside and the inside everyday. It may not be your thing, but it is someone’s thing just like Star Wars is Katie’s thing, and I hope you’ll support them in the ways they are working to spread hope and maybe even share some of your own. Most of all, I hope you find a place where you feel like you fit, a tribe to call your own, and an opportunity to connect with other people who love the same things you do. The search, I promise you, is worth it.

whitney

Comments (5) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

November 11, 2010. Speaking: Jamie Tworkowski & Denny Kolsch, Song: "Ring the Bells" performed by Steven McMorran of Satellite. www.satellite-music.com

Comments (8) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

The idea of a day where we reflect on the things we're thankful for sounds easy enough. If you're reading this, you're probably reading it on a computer, which means you probably have a lot to be thankful for. 

Comments (42) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day. Our team asked Reese Butler, Founder of 1-800-SUICIDE and a survivor of suicide, to share his journey through his loss. If you have lost someone to suicide, or know someone who has, we hope you will be reminded with each word that you are not alone.

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I lost my wife Kristin Brooks Rossell-Butler to suicide April 7th 1998. She died as a result of poorly treated Postpartum Depression. Her disease resulted in a psychosis that landed her in a psychiatric hospital, where she hung herself on a suicide watch. The first year after her death was the most painful year of my life. The 2nd year after her death was only worse because it was the opposite, totally numb and a total loss of desire to live anymore. It was then that I learned how a depressed person could welcome death as a relief from the pain or hopelessness that ensued.

In spite of the pain, I turned to her diaries and the followed the only road map she left for me. I founded the Kristin Brooks Hope Center and created an educational fair that traveled to colleges to educate young women about Postpartum Depression, Bipolar disorder and Borderline personality disorder. At the time there were no national resources to give to people after sharing her story. I recognized that I couldn’t ignore the need to create a support system for the people who experienced similar struggles as Kristin. Building 1-800-SUICIDE and the National Hopeline Network totally consumed the KBHC and me for the next ten years.

During these years of healing and through my work with KBHC, I’ve learned that every survivor’s journey is different. But to not take the journey is to basically die emotionally. The greatest honor and tribute I could give Kristin was to become as healthy and productive as possible and use the power of that loss to help others not suffer the same fate. Loss can trigger in those left behind powerful emotions that if channeled can move mountains. Along my journey there have been so many things that have given me hope for tomorrow, from the incredible notes from people whose lives have been impacted by Kristin’s story, or to new treatments and studies showing the improvements in mental health treatment. Brain scans, such state of the art FMRI to SPECT scans, can now show us the chemical dysfunction in living color. We can see the disease! We can treat it better than we ever have, and we still only know a tiny fraction of how the brain functions.

Over the past few years we’ve learned through a 3 year - three million dollar study that suicide is preventable. The key is to care about the suicidal person and be able to connect in a meaningful way with them. There is no more accessible way than to do so online. This is where the vision for IMAlive was born. We can reach so many more people at risk and show them we care through using an instant message chat. IMAlive is designed to not only become the world’s first virtual crisis center network but for the first time have 100% of all crisis line workers certified and trained at the highest level of knowledge available to us today.

Reese Butler
Founder of Kristin Brooks Hope Center

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If you have lost someone to suicide, or you want to learn more about the journey of survivors Reese suggested the following resources:

My Son My Son by Iris Bolton (the best book for a parent)
No Time to Say Goodbye by Carla Fine (best book for a spouse)
www.AFSP.org for listings of local survivor support groups
www.pos-ffos.com is another great online support group system

Comments (24) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

We are so excited to share a glimpse inside our most recent MOVE Community Conference held in a town called Downey, a half-hour east of downtown Los Angeles, CA. One of my favorite parts of running these conferences is getting to interact with the attendees and watch them grow and dream big dreams about being part of an honest community where healing conversations can occur when people around us are hurting. After we wrapped up MOVE Los Angeles, I received this email from one of our attendees, Alexis. Her words were so wonderful to read, and resonated in me. I am happy to share them with you now, in hopes that you'll be encouraged, and that you may also consider joining us at a MOVE conference in the future.

Applications are being accepted for MOVE Dallas through this Friday, November 19th. I hope you'll consider joining us. For more information and too apply, visit our website here.

With Hope,
Kaitlyn

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Road trips have always been pretty tough to get started in my family. No matter how much planning we do, something always manages to delay our departure and the MOVE Community Conference was no different. My sister, mom, and I didn’t hit the road until 2am Friday morning, much later than anticipated. I was trying my hardest to stay awake with my mom so she would have some company as we drove, but I was only able to last a few hours. At about 6am I woke back up as we were passing through Pasadena, and I was admiring the windmills as my mom called the rest of our family back home to make sure they were up and functioning for the day ahead. I could only hear my mom’s half of the conversation, but I assume my little sister asked something along the lines of, “Is the sun coming up yet?” and my mom responded, “Yeah, but it’s behind us, we’re still driving into the darkness.”

The more I thought about it, this seemed to describe the weekend ahead. I was about to enter a weekend-long conversation about depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide, some really scary things that are kept in the darkness because we don’t know how to talk about them. But this weekend a group of strangers would walk into the darkness together and come out as friends.

The conversation started by addressing the stigmas attached to each of these issues and facing everything head on, but the common thread in all of the conversations were that people just want to know other people and be known in return. In my years of involvement with TWLOHA I’ve been aware of the organization’s strong belief in community and that people need other people. I have always strongly agreed with this belief, but it wasn’t until MOVE that I realized I wasn’t anywhere close to living this in my own life. I became caught in the cycle of shame, and despite my belief in TWLOHA, convinced by society that my problems didn’t matter and were not something that could be talked about. I was functioning just enough so that people didn’t ask questions. Sure I have people that I “know,” that I hang out with, and we share a few laughs, but it’s rarely anything more than that. I don’t know anything about their hopes and dreams or their fears, and they are no more aware of mine. And the saddest part is, is that I was totally content living this way. I had convinced myself that my life was just fine. I would always think to myself “What do you have to be depressed about? You’re going to school, you have a good job, and a wonderful family, and great friends,” but part of me knew that something was missing and after this weekend I realized that I had bought into almost every myth or stigma that we talked about at MOVE. I didn’t want to be a burden to others, or I didn’t feel like I deserved help, I got myself into this so I can get myself out. You name it and I’ve probably felt it and believed it about myself.

But after this weekend I am hopeful. I have learned that it’s ok not to be ok, and that I am not alone in my struggles, and like I’ve heard TWLOHA say so many times before, that rescue is possible. So today I made an appointment with a counselor, and I have plans to go to dinner with a friend and share these words in the hopes that we can walk through this darkness together. I am going to try to really listen and know the people around me, while also letting my walls down so that I can be known as well. I am excited for the days ahead, to continue learning and get the help that I need. I am excited to strive to build a community where these things can be talked about open and honestly and met with reality and compassion. Today I am excited to be alive and breathing, and I’m trying to really appreciate what that means, and learn to share my life with others. So thank you TWLOHA and the MOVE team for reminding me that we were never meant to go through this life alone.

Thanks again!

Alexis :)

Comments (10) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Florida has a way of spoiling us all. We can see Mickey Mouse whenever we want or visit Harry’s Wizarding World, and we can wear cut-off jeans and tank tops for just about 300 days out of the year. Central Florida’s consistently warm season makes it easy to lose track of time, and this isn’t how I grew up. I am a Virginia boy, more specifically from the great city of Richmond. I saw leaves do their best impressions of chameleons and took this annual snow for granted. But when I left Virginia, I was in a bit of a hurry and entrenched in a fog… I was very ready for something new, for something else. In the past 2-and-a-half years, my travels have taken me back through Virginia, but I’ve rarely had the chance to make a destination out of my home state. This past weekend I was able to go back, this time with friends and TWLOHA team members, to celebrate something that perhaps should have felt like an introduction, but truly seemed more like a family reunion.

At TWLOHA, we often describe our efforts as those that battle stigma. We encourage honest conversations about things that don’t get talked about enough. This is a battle that is often overlooked and can feel like a lonely place, and because of this, we have come to really value friendships in the field of mental health. Though we had only exchanged emails for the past two months, this past weekend we were welcomed into an atmosphere of celebration alongside the staff of Remuda Ranch: a collection of dedicated and impassioned souls who work tirelessly to address the needs, both personal and social, of those struggling with eating disorders.

We were introduced to Remuda through mutual friends (namely the guys from A Rotterdam November) and over the course of a few weeks and a couple phone calls, the Ranch invited us to attend their 20th Anniversary Celebration and go on a private tour of their Remuda East facility in Milford, Virginia. We graciously accepted the invitation, and in no time we found ourselves wrapped in coats and packed in a van winding through the Virginia hills en route to the facility. I had to smile at Chris, Jessica, and Kaitlyn as they took picture after picture of the ever-changing, colorful fall landscape. On that country road, reds fade to oranges and give way to yellows and are divided by browns, which all lead to the Ranch where the fields were still green. The beauty of this fall season was disarming and was perfectly complimented by the smiles of the staff as we exited the van to begin our tour. And it occurred to us all that this wasn’t a tour as much as it was a family sharing their home with us. “Tour” feels like a business term, and it was evident that this was a trip reserved for friends. We were honored to be welcomed with that since of familiarity.

This was my first trip to an inpatient treatment facility, and in my mind, I had expected to walk into a whitewashed building with that pastel, lotus-patterned, wall paper that we all hate, but was selected because it seems “peaceful.”  I imagined scuffed marble and scrubs and stethoscopes and IVs. Instead, there was inspired architecture, and beautiful frames housing beautiful artwork. There were apologies that the “Day Room” still had books and jackets on the floor from a few of the younger patients… but beyond that, there was a feeling that everyone is welcome here. You don’t have to pretty up in order to come in, you are beautiful just they way you are; it’s just like that feeling when you arrive home after a tiring day of school or work and you just want to be still. The Ranch strives to feel like home. Except home doesn’t always promise rest (especially for those fighting daily battles with hidden monsters), so while incorporating the familiar, the program also seeks to open brand new doors. One of Remuda’s trademarks is their use of equine therapy, which is an opportunity for horses to play a role in an individual’s recovery. After lunch with the staff, we were invited to experience a sample equine therapy session, and we were incredibly moved by the ability these animals have to aid in the recovery process.

Later that night we found ourselves on the campus of Virginia Commonwealth University with 400 guests for the celebration and a screening of the documentary America the Beautiful, a film that exposes and questions the standards of  “beauty” that are sold to us every day in popular culture. The film later led into a panel discussion which included Darryl Roberts, the writer/producer/director of the film, Kirsten Haglund, Miss America 2008 and philanthropist/advocate for Eating Disorders, and several professionals from Remuda’s clinical team. The questions from the attendees were as intelligent and eloquent as they were honest - a truly inspiring combination.  It was evident that the people in that room were not seeking entertainment, but were eager for opportunities to change and serve the community around them, and this atmosphere continued even after the Q&A time ended. That night, I was able to show off my hometown to coworkers and give hugs to friends and family and share visions with our new friends. But my night was truly marked as special and memorable through the conversations with four brave and bright young women.  Sarah and Rachel traveled 13 hours in hopes of celebrating this night with us, and greeted us with embracing arms covered in magic marker letters that spelled HOPE, LOVE, and REMEMBER THE STARS. Morgan shared her story and passions, and exhibited a contagious attitude of hope; that kind of hope that is stubborn and by its very presence mocks the very ideas of ignorance and intolerance. And then there was Emily. Emily is a fighter and I was so thankful that she came that night. She had such a big heart, a gentle spirit, and a genuine thankfulness that made both Kaitlyn and Jess cry. Working for TWLOHA gives me plenty of opportunity to get lost in the poetry, and it is conversations like these that serve as reminders that hurt and hope can live in the same smile, and tears can hold both fear and relief. 

While my friends and family would like me to live closer to them in Virginia, it’s trips like this that make me thankful for the distance. The distance preserves the special nature and gives homecoming a sort of “pilgrimage” vibe. And as with the conclusion of any pilgrimage, steps feel a little different afterwards…for now, the steps feel a bit lighter. Thank you to all who played a role in this weekend.

Chad

Comments (3) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Having lived most of my life in Florida, I sometimes feel like I am robbed of what the rest of the world knows as “seasons.” Currently, Halloween just passed and it still feels like its 90 degrees outside and the leaves may never change color. Yet, after working as the TWLOHA Intern Program Director for the past year and a half, I have adopted a new understanding of “seasons." For us, seasons come every four months as we have the privilege of welcoming a new handful of individuals to our Florida headquarters who are passionate, talented and some of the most dedicated and hard-working people I have ever known. These individuals are called interns, but with each season we’ve realized they are more, our source of inspiration, renewing passion and creativity. They challenge us to keep learning, to keep growing and to above all love deeply. They are truly a part of our heartbeat and we wanted to give you a peek inside the experience of one of our Spring Intern’s experience. Shannon wrote this blog at the end of her “season” with us. Thankfully, one of the things I’ve learned from our “seasons” and the relationships we form with these individuals is that no matter how familiar it feels at first, at the end you realize how much you've changed.

If you would like more information about our intern program please visit our website. We are currently accepting Spring 2011 applications.

With Hope,
Lindsay
Intern Program Director

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January 8, 2010 was one the best (and coldest) nights to catch up to me in 24 years. My plane landed late in Orlando after a long day of traveling from Southern California, and from there I headed straight to the Heavy and Light Kick-off show. I had just undergone a last-minute surgery the day before my trip, so I was the last of the interns to arrive for the term. And as I walked into The Social for the music that night, I realized it was the beginning of a life-changing journey. One with this intention called community, this paradox of brutal and loving honesty, and an unconditionally gentle family. It was also the night I met the six beautiful girls I would be sharing a cozy bungalow with -- a bungalow that was soon-after filled with baked goods and board games, stories and tears, and more laughs and dance parties than my stitches could handle.

The next four months were full of a spiritual growth that I’d not yet known, and plenty of adventure. Scavenger hunts and fried pickles. Porch swings, heat lightning, and morning Chai lattes. Family potlucks. Favorite musicians on stages. Church in Orlando, beautiful conversations. Rooms that were heavy and rooms that were light. And sweet tea. Oh, the never-ending sweet tea.

And every day that passed was filled with hard and hopeful words, messages of pain and messages of thanks. It is an intricate and amazing thing to connect with someone in a dark, vulnerable place, when the easiest thing to do is retreat. But we never gave up, and the messages kept coming, and voices kept being heard. I know help is real thanks to my own experience in counseling. And I believe in hope because I’ve seen it in the stories of other people.

There are hearts behind this organization that beat twenty-four-seven to the cause of helping others. During the course of my internship, the faces to these hearts saw our tears and heard our laughs, traveled miles in maroon vans with us, danced with us to Lady Gaga, and watched endless projected movies in the bungalow with us. More importantly, these faces represent a cause I believe in, and the reason why five other girls and I gave up four months of our comfortable lives to move to a sleepy town and learn the meaning of hope. It was a privilege to be invited into their world this year and to do life together. Intentional community and deliberate relationships are a powerful thing, molded by good intentions and a shared compassion for this one life we have. I’m so thankful I found that in my TWLOHA internship.

Comments (11) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

This past Tuesday TWLOHA was featured on MTV's The Buried Life because a girl named Lexie dreamed to give people struggling with depression a place to connect with one another. The Buried Life invited us into the evening, and then we had the chance to invite you. The night brought a room full of 400 people, songs, and hope. This night gave the people in the room a chance to share things for the first time, and we were amazed at how well Lexie pulled off the event.

Below is a video update and poem Lexie wrote after The Buried Life came and visited, offering incredible words of encouragement and strength. We're thankful we had the chance to share this night with her and can't wait to see what lies ahead for her.



Dear World,

Soon my fears will be brought from darkness to light.
I am no longer afraid.

Soon my scars will no longer be hidden, but on display for all of you to see.
My scars have started to fade, and my heart has started to heal.

Soon my masks that I have so delicately created, will be broken and all of me will be exposed.
I have started to love the person who has been hiding behind them, and I am learning to accept her.

I have been so blessed to have people I love, people who don't even know me, and newfound friends support me. But I am one of the lucky ones, I am one of the blessed.

What about the girl who still hides her pain, and hides behind her mask? Or the boy who still struggles with the emotions you have told him to hide?

What will you do to them when they are ready to step out of the darkness and into the light?

It is in your nature to try and scare them, and tell them to go back into their darkness and hide there. It's where they belong, and it's the only place they are safe.

We all know that isn't true, so now you have a choice.
Let them come out of the darkness and embrace them in your light. Or continue to send them back, and keep them there.

If you choose to let them shine, you will be amazed at what you will see. They have so much to give, and so much to share. They will be delicate at first, but in time they will strengthen. You can be a part of that, and in turn be strengthened by them.

If you choose to send them into the darkness yet again, know you are making such a huge mistake. Not only because it is simply wrong, but you are losing the chance to see the beauty they have inside. Do you really want to feel the burden of keeping them silent?

If you are on the fence, come and attack me. I have been so blessed, and because of that you no longer scare me. No matter what you throw at me I can almost guarantee I have already faced it, and I've won. If I haven't yet, I have the support system to help me fight. I am one of the lucky ones, not all are as lucky as I am. Don't take away the hope they have finally realized they have.

So world, what will it be?

Comments (20) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

TWLOHA happened by accident. It began as a simple attempt to tell a story and help a friend. That it's become a bigger thing is because of you and with that, it is yours and we want to hear from you. 

Comments (100) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

i sort of hit a wall last week. It’s the feeling that while the story I get invited to tell is impressive to some, the story that i actually live is not. i feel lately like i live a story about a guy who rides on airplanes and in rental cars and hopes the pillow is comfortable in the hotel room. The smiling irony in the whole thing is that I get invited to tell people about community but then that turns out to be something I don’t really have in my own life. i have access to it but community is something you have to choose.

So last week i started to feel the weight of too many airports and too much time away from home. But i was already committed to going to an event. In fairness, this event was a gathering that i was honored to be part of  and it would mean the chance to catch up with friends. But there would also be a lot of folks i didn’t know, which meant there would be a lot of first day of school moments where you answer the “what do you do?” question and hope that people like you. (These moments are not fun for introverts, especially tired introverts who wish they were at home.)

But instead of impressive people attempting to impress each other, i found a group of people willing to be human, willing to be honest and vulnerable in admitting the broken parts of their stories. There were confessions of mistakes and questions and doubts. There were grown men with tears in their eyes, willing to go there in front of people they didn’t know.

There was a man with cancer in his body and with his wife at his side, he spoke of the pain of the last year, the fear and embarrassment of the seizures that find him now. He spoke of the kindness of his friends, the miracle of the thing we call community. He spoke with love for his five year-old daughter and there were questions that did not require words.

Read more

Comments (48) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Over the past year, TWLOHA has had the privilege of bringing a message of hope and help to college students through our University Chapters program (otherwise known as "UChapters"). Now three semesters strong, UChapters boasts of 35 gifted and inspired chapters. And as our MOVE Community Conferences continue to fill the calendar with future dates in regions across the US, students continue to have the opportunity to receive the required training to start a chapter on their campus.  

So why would you want to start or join a TWLOHA University Chapter? Well, if you are a student who wants to do something with your inspiration and compassion for others but doesn't know how or what that could look like, then beginning a chapter or joining one is a great way. At TWLOHA, we use the word "community" a lot, and it's something we believe can really change someone's life. But it begins with committing to people. UChapters, at the heart, is a group of people that exists to support each other and the student body around them. In short, if you are a student who realizes that people need people, then start or join a chapter. 

Our chapters are compassionate activists who give their hearts to bring TWLOHA's mission and vision to life on campus. They organize creative events that are stirring the conversation of mental health. Lives are changing. It's a process, but it's happening.        

Below is a list of our newest chapters. We are excited and thankful to welcome them into our community. If you have an interest in beginning or joining a chapter, visit twlohauchapters.com. 

Comments (22) | Posted in General by Kaitlyn Suveg

TWLOHA on CBS Sunday Morning "Preventing Teen Suicide." We were honored to be included in this story, which aired last Sunday, October 3, 2010.

Comments (9) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

This blog was originally an email sent to the TWLOHA staff. This past week was difficult. It seemed that we couldn't open our email without the news of another suicide, and we were all beginning to feel the weight of the reality of these tragedies. As a team, hearing these stories never gets easier. Like anyone, we can find ourselves feeling drained and wondering about our purpose as an organization. This blog comes from that difficult place, when I remembered why we exist.

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While our inboxes continue to accumulate links to articles about people around the country dying by suicide, I try to remember why we fight.

In the battle against suicide there are lives lost, and sometimes they aren’t recognized until the war is over. When the battle feels never-ending, we ask ourselves why we started fighting in the first place. We get in a pattern, and all we see are the number of brothers and sisters by our side growing fewer and fewer. We can lose hope and wonder, what's the point in going forward? Where is our encouragement? Are we actually doing anything to make this world a more hopeful place? What good are we doing? Why should I even bother getting out of my bed when I’ll get to the office and I’ll open my inbox to see another seven articles about lives lost the day before.

But I am reminded of this truth: We have reason.

"You saved my brother from taking his life."

"My daughter wouldn't still be here if it weren’t for you guys."

"My dad is gone, but I'm hopeful in being a part of something that doesn't leave another family in the place I was in. I'm glad you're here."

These are our letters from home. These are our reminders. This is our motivation to go on another day. This is the reason we started this fight in the first place. We are reminded that our words have purpose, and they can bring hope in a moment where all feels lost and broken. And we believe this for your words, too.

We do this for those who can't bring themselves to talk to a friend because they think they're the only one dealing with the weight in their chest and the things in their head. We are here to let them know they're not. And when we lose someone close to us, or only know a name and see a picture, we mourn them. We remember them and we celebrate their lives, but we don't stop our fight for them. For them, their family, their friends... We fight. We have to. We have no other option. This message of hope stirs something in people that points to something true, something bigger than us. This is why we continue to get out of our bed in the morning when we're faced with this much loss.

In something that is so much bigger than us, we have each other. I wouldn't want to be in this alone, and we should all fight with people by our side.

We’re thankful we get to spend these days with you. You are loved.

Comments (106) | Posted in General, Journal by Chris Youngblood

The death of Denver Broncos wide receiver Kenny McKinley was announced last night, his death an apparent suicide and the news making national headlines. I went to school with Kenny in Austell, GA at South Cobb High School. We shared three years in the same uniform, both on the football field as well as making our way around the track. And it was Kenny who sold me my first rap CD as a sophomore, a memory that makes me laugh and a story that I still tell at least once a week. He made some special memories for me during a time when life was difficult.

Since we graduated high school, our lives have taken very different directions. Kenny went on to the University of South Carolina to play football. As was his way, Kenny did more than just play. He broke records, and he went on to play professionally for the Denver Broncos. I decided to take a year off to pursue my own passions, or at least to do my best to figure out what that meant. It was that time that led me to where I am today, working with TWLOHA, and next month marks three years that I've been with the organization. My job has taken me all across North America and to places as far as Australia and Peru. I've had the opportunity to hear the stories of people from all around the world. They have shared with me their struggles with issues of pain, including suicide, and I've had the chance to tell my own story as well.

As the years have gone by, I've loved catching Kenny's games on Saturdays during his time at USC and Sundays last year. It felt good to be in someone's corner like that. On a scale that seemed larger than life, I still got to search and cheer for number 11. It made the game something different. I didn't care much if USC won or lost, but what mattered was knowing that Kenny was a person I had memories with, someone I got to get excited about. I was proud to celebrate his talent and it was amazing to see where that talent was taking him. Seeing Kenny on the field took me back, and I loved sharing those stories. He was a day-brightener in his own right. Reading quotes from his friends and teammates, it seemed to be a trait he never lost. He could work a room and motivate the lowest morales.

I had a picture in my mind of who Kenny was, and watching him become more successful in his career only reinforced that picture of a guy who was confident, successful and happy. The news of his death was the last I ever expected to hear. Reading comments from people under articles about Kenny's death shows that many others are finding themselves in this same place. Some people are saying it was selfish, others wonder how someone with the world at his fingertips could do something like this. I am reminded of one thing: pain does not discriminate. We all have our battles we fight in the day-to-day. We are meant to care about one another, and to come together when things seem to be falling apart. We have the chance to share the things we deal with and fight together for our stories. We have a chance to believe in the story we are making for ourselves.

Kenny was a leader, friend, son, and father. I'll never shy away from sharing the memories I have with him because it's the best way to celebrate his life.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the McKinley family. Find peace in one another and the love that thousands of people shared for Kenny.

We will miss you, Kenny.

Chris

Comments (20) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Kevin Pelletier is the president of TWLOHA's UMass-Lowell chapter. Recently Kevin was awarded the Massachusetts Coalition for Suicide Prevention Youth Leadership Award for his volunteer effort in TWLOHA's University Chapters program. Meet Kevin...

1). Kevin, how long have you been involved in TWLOHA's University Chapters program?

I went to one of the first MOVE conference's in Cocoa, FL back in March of 2009. It was an extremely life changing experience for me, and I have made friends that I still stay in touch with on a daily basis. From there, I came back and started talking to people about starting a UChapter on campus. I found an advisor and an E-board. In the fall of 2009, we became one of the first 15 UChapters to launch in the country!

2). How did you first hear about TWLOHA?

My freshman year of college started out very heavy for me. I saw a poster about Jamie, Denny, and Zach Williams coming to my school and looked into it. The story put me in tears, and that night was so memorable for me. Being in a room full of people talking about these things, and then sitting on stage with Chad Moses for over an hour after just talking about life. Sitting there with Chad allowed me to realize that people really did care, and this organization meant everything they stood for. I knew after this night that I wanted to become very involved in this organization.

3). Why did you choose to begin a UChapter on UMass-Lowell's campus?

Seeing the amount of people at that event, I knew I wasn't alone in believing these things mattered, and that they aren't talked about a lot. Most of these issues are things I have struggled with, so it really hits my heart. Once the idea of doing things with TWLOHA and actually being able to help other people was there, I felt like I had found a purpose to life. What better way to live than helping other people? I realized that maybe the reason I struggled with everything I did was so I could relate to others and help them. It's been a very powerful and rewarding experience.

4). What has been the most rewarding part of having a chapter on UMass-Lowell's campus?

Seeing redemption and seeing people being grateful for what we are doing. Hearing that because of us, people have started going to counseling, have celebrated 6 months of sobriety, have really felt comfortable opening up and sharing at our meetings. Being able to have an amazing first year thanks to the help of my officers, Zach, Lindsey, Katie, and Seth. It's been great seeing other people willing to put hours of work each week into this UChapter, because they believe it matters that much.

5). What was the most successful event your chapter organized this year?

I'm going to have to go with two, because I think both are equally sucessful in different ways:
1. We had a meeting last year about addiction. People started sharing their experiences, and their stories and struggles. The conversation went all over the place, but it was all connected and almost everyone in the room had shared something. There were very few dry eyes by the end. People felt extremely close. Because of that meeting, I saw people starting to talk to each other more that they didn't really know. People hanging out outside of UChapter meetings and events, and staying in touch. Seeing friendships come from these meetings mean more than any sentence I could try to put together to describe it. Oh yeah, and the meeting ended in the best way ever, a group hug.
2. The main event in which Jamie and Denny spoke, and Ryan from Sleeping At Last performed. Having almost 200 people in a room because of something we had done. Ryan's music was amazing. For weeks after,  the lyric "You we're meant for amazing things" was all over our campus. Jamie told the story of how TWLOHA started, and shared more. Denny told his story of a struggle with addiction and ended it with saying that "You matter" in a way that went right through everyones ears into their hearts. I have made so many friends and have had so many great conversations from that night, as many other people also did. This night was a perfect example of community. From people helping set up hours before, to people staying over an hour after to have a quick word with us and get to know each other.

6). We heard you recently won a leadership award from the Massachusetts Coalition of Suicide Prevention,  will you tell us about this?

Yes I did! I was nominated by Elyse Lemaire, our UChapter advisor who is a counselor at our school, along with working with MCSP. I will be accepting my award at a breakfast next Friday along with a few other people. I'm looking forward to meeting a lot of people who are in this field and being able to discuss how our UChapter can work with them! I'm accepting my award and giving a speech right before a Senator....makes me a little nervous haha. But I am very honored and thankful to accept the award on behalf of myself and the UChapter. I'm thankful for everyone who helped out last year and participated in events because they believe this mattered. 

7). What would you tell a student who is thinking about starting a chapter but hasn't?

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!?!?! It really is an incredible experience. Go to a MOVE conference, meet Aaron and Michelle Moore, Kaitlyn, and everyone else. You will learn how to start a conversation in your own community and also how to start a UChapter at your school. Creating a place where people feel okay to talk about these things and being able to offer the ideas of hope and help to other is so powerful. School can get very stressful, and sadly we are all all stuck going to class and doing assignments we sometimes don't like. It makes me start to question what the point of it all is. Having the UChapter here gives me a purpose. There's never been a doubt in my mind or heart that everything I put into this is worth it. It's an amazing opportunity to grow as a person by learning leadership skills, learning how to organize events, meeting people, making friends, and knowing you've impacted someone else's life. "We are broken people helping broken people" is a saying TWLOHA believes in. You don't have to be "perfect" or have life figured out for yourself. The beauty in this is walking through these college years with others and relating to the desire for answers to questions and being stuck in difficult moments. The beauty isn't the pain itself, but the fact that you aren't experiencing that pain alone and you are allowing others to have the chance to not be alone in these struggles. 

If you have any questions, or are interested in starting a UChapter, email chapters@twloha.com or email us at TWLOHA.UML@gmail.com"

Comments (7) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Hey guys,

Jason and I are back home after wrapping up TWLOHA’s fourth year on Warped Tour. It feels good to be home. It feels weird to be home. I think when you’re surrounded by the same people all day every day for two straight months you can either become annoyed with each other and choose to pull away, or you can experience growth together – learning the things about one another that makes them laugh, what you can poke fun at, and the simple things you can do for someone to make them loved.

Every year on Warped has a different feel to it. From the people on the tour to the music being played. I’d say the only consistent thing is the greasy catering food offered to everyone on the tour. This year I went out halfway through the tour with a certain kind of optimism. One that had hope to see people on the tour encouraged, enjoying each other, and more than anything going that extra little bit to get to know people.

Within a week, a friend came onto the bus and said, “I don’t have it in me to have another mindless conversation.” He wasn’t the only one feeling that way. More and more people started retreating to their own buses at night, and the conversations were about how hot the days were and the anticipation of getting off the tour. No substance. No foundations being built beyond connecting over the fact that you were both exhausted by the end of the day.

My whole time out, I had been anticipating my friend Jered Scott’s arrival for the last week of the tour and getting to share some time with him. We’ve had maybe a week total of days spent together over the past year and a half of our friendship, but we have a kind of friendship where he can call me out on things that I need to be called out on because he cares for me. I compare him to be the parent that sets the rules and ticks us off when we’re teenagers, but thankful for those same rules they set in place when we’re 25 and can appreciate that it was out of love and wanting what was best. So when he asked about Warped Tour and what I had been up to, he was very quick to point out that I was a contributor to those mindless conversations. That I wasn’t taking the extra steps to learn things about people outside of those on my bus. That I was resorting to old habits to make me feel better but that I knew weren’t beneficial for me. He was doing everything a friend who intentionally knows and cares for someone should have done.

We wanted something to change. Jason, Jered, and I got together and talked about getting people together at 8 o’clock every night for the last week of tour to have time to unpack things from the summer, share what was our mind, and ultimately create a space for people to move away from the mindless conversations and move toward honesty. A place to talk about the great times the tour brought, while acknowledging the temptations and struggles we never seem to escape from, and deciding that we didn’t want to go through another two month tour without communities where we support each others’ positive actions.

The first night there were eight of us. The second, ten. It was refreshing to get away from the party for an hour, even if we were going to get thrown right back into it when we broke off for the rest of the night. The third night we gathered, Jered and I were setting up chairs and we put out 12. We joked that we were getting ahead of ourselves. Over the next hour and a half the sound of chairs being moved around and a circle widening could be heard over our words. Over thirty people showed up that night. There weren’t any flyers or announcements about what we were doing, only word of mouth.

The fourth night we meet in a small building. We set up chairs along the wall and every seat filled up. There were even people sitting on the floor in the middle of everyone. Seeing something grow to what it had become in a short amount of time really showed how much everyone needed something different. We all did. A new place to go. A place that welcomed our mess.

For me, finding that place, whether it was with eight or thirty other people, where I could share the things I was dealing with, and hear about what others were dealing with during those two months on tour, was incredible. The feeling of knowing I wasn’t the only one struggling with the thoughts that live in my mind helped me breathe without a weight on my chest for the first time in a while. I think that’s what we all need to strive for with one another.

We are surrounded by people. We have this chance to have a community, big or small, to “go there” with. The thing is, we have to take the risk of being honest and being known. We have to find that place inside us where we’re ready to challenge ourselves and grow. We have to be willing to know that sometimes someone won’t show up.  Caring about and loving others takes risk and probably more than we have in us most of the time. But I think the more we put out there, we’ll have something returned greater than we could have imagined.

This year, I left Warped and people that I miss after only being away from them for four days. This year, I left Warped and my bottom right bunk on bus 40 that I called my home for four weeks with eleven other people and a few extra riders here and there. This year, I left Warped with phone numbers and friends on Facebook. I left with great conversations, summer crushes, and incredible memories from around the country. This year, I left Warped with a community that challenged me to grow and be there for someone else. This year, Warped left me completely grateful for everyone I met on the tour, but especially every single one of our supporters who stopped by the booth to say hello, buy a shirt, or talk about what TWLOHA means to them.

You guys were constant refueling for long, hot, exhausting days. Jason and I are truly thankful for being able to share this summer with all of you and we hope to see you again next year.

All the best,
Chris

Comments (16) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Hi Guys. 

i hope this finds you well, enjoying your Saturday night or Sunday morning or wherever this finds you. i am on an airplane, flying from New York City to Portland - somewhere over the middle states at the moment - headed to Portland for the last stop of this summer's Vans Warped Tour. i'm excited to see Chris and Jason from our team, Alex and Ivory from Invisible Children, Bryce and The Rocket Summer guys. Excited to meet The Summer Set as well. Our team has spent the last eight weeks living and travelling with these folks, setting up and tearing down each day, finding shade under tents and hope in favorite songs, surprised along the way by stories and moments and conversations. We are more than grateful to Kevin, Sarah and Kate who run Warped Tour and allow TWLOHA to be part of it. This is our fourth summer and it's truly become one of our favorite things, a vehicle that allows us to connect with thousands of music-loving young people across the USA and Canada for two months each year. We are fans of music and our message of hope and help is one for people, and so we keep coming back. 

That's all i'm going to say about Warped for now. i've asked Chris and Jason to share more, to take you into their world, tell some stories and paint some pictures...

On a different note...

My friend Jon, in addition to being my friend, is one of my heroes. Jon is the sort of person who stops to talk to homeless people. He is the one who said to me that people get stuck in moments and he is also the one who told me, in a difficult season, "Hope is not a myth." Though Jon and i live in the same city, i had not seen him in months. This was my fault. We met for coffee yesterday morning and the conversation was deeply personal and meaningful for me. i shared some things that were hard to share, talked about feeling lost in my story. i don't know why but i expected my words to be met with disappointment and judgement - shame has a way of telling us we deserve those things. Instead, and this happened several times at meals with friends this week, i was met with grace and compassion and kindness, people saying i could call them in the middle of the night and people saying we should hang out again soon. 

Anyway, near the end of my conversation with Jon, he asked if i had read the book Life After God by Douglas Coupland. When i said no, Jon stood up instantly, walked out of the coffee shop and straight to a book store a few blocks away. 

i finished the book just now, started it yesterday and finished it today (i am never that guy. That said, it's worth noting that the book is short and has a lot of pictures). i'm writing all of this to tell you that it was great, that it put words to things i've been feeling recently, questions i'd been afraid to ask and things i'd been afraid to say. The book is fiction and, for me, it was a book about the human condition, which is to say it is a book about the feelings, realities, miracles and questions that we all experience as people living life on this planet, getting older over time, reflecting on our stories. The book is painful at times. The book is also beautiful. The storyteller's voice reminded me of Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, if Charlie were to tell us another story years down the road. The writing is honest and raw. i found it full of truth.

i want to share a couple quotes from Life After God:

"When you’re young, you always feel that life hasn’t yet begun — that “life” is always scheduled to begin next week, next month, next year, after the holidays — whenever. But then suddenly you’re old and the scheduled life didn’t arrive. You find yourself asking, ‘Well then, exactly what was it I was having — that interlude — the scrambly madness — all that time I had before?’

"I realized a capacity for not feeling lonely carried a very real price, which was the threat of feeling nothing at all."

"A need burns inside us to share with others what we are feeling. Beyond a certain age, sincerity ceases to feel pornographic. It is though the coolness that marked our youth is itself a retrovirus that can only leave you feeling empty."

Peace to you tonight, from this airplane headed west.
jamie

PS: i hope the book finds you like a friend. Also, i hope you find some people and i hope you let them know you. It's very important. The fear is a lie. It will be worth it in the end.

PS2: If you're at Warped Tour in Oregon tomorrow, do say hello. 

Comments (13) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Cory Chiasson, a former TWLOHA intern, recently joined Chad Moses from our team on a trip to Australia. The two participated in a tour of secondary schools in and around Melbourne, bringing our message and mission to young people there. Below, Cory shares a bit about his experience. We hope you enjoy his words.

---

As I write this, I realize the opportunity I have. I could slide open the translucent blinds to my left, and stare into the wonder that is Los Angeles. Mind you, it’s only Century Boulevard, representing major hotels, airport shuttles and an excessive amount of advertising for car parks. But this is beside the point. The point is, I have the ability to choose. I can choose to go explore or I can stay inside this decorated (and well air-conditioned) hotel room.

I just returned from the beautiful state of Victoria, Australia where Chad and I joined up with my friend Joel and a diligent crew from Gravity Tour.  We had the honor of adventuring across Australia, bringing a message of hope and a reminder of the importance of one’s own personal journey to schools in Melbourne and the surrounding areas. 

It was quite the experience, going to these different schools, both private and public, bringing up the taboo issues that TWLOHA deals with on a daily basis.  The beautiful thing about it all was how well we were received by the teachers and the students who attended our workshops and presentations. Topics of addiction, depression, self-injury and suicide are definitely not in the list of Top Ten things spoken about in campus halls. And you certainly won’t find them linked in the trending topics on your Twitter homepage. You’d be lucky if you heard them discussed on the evening news or Wake Up America. (Do you guys have that? Sorry. I live in an igloo up in Canada.)

At each stop on this tour, Chad asked the students to close their eyes and raise their hands if they knew someone or if they themselves had struggled with at least one of these issues. And at every stop nearly everyone raised their hand to acknowledge that they did indeed know someone. When they opened their eyes, they realized how strikingly similar we all are. Chad then asked them to raise their hands if they had conversed with someone within the last week about one of these issues. It was heartbreaking to see the few hands that went up for that question.  It proved how quiet we find ourselves when these issues come up.

This past week I started reading this Italian author named Dante’s book, The Divine Comedy. Well, I say that loosely. I’ve gotten about four pages into the intro, which was written by a fellow named John Ciardi. He said something that caught my eye, and I’d like to quote him here:

“The true mark of any writer is in the choices he makes. Having written three words, he must choose a fourth. Having written four, he must choose a fifth. Nothing happens into a good poem; everything must be chosen into it.”

We are the writers, the authors, and the poets of our own story. We have the choice to choose. We can be a people who wish for better things, who hope that our story will be written only by the stars, or we can wake up, dream awake and live out what we deserve to be.

We have to choose to live.

We have to choose to ask for help when we reach the end of ourselves.

You deserve to write that fifth word, even the sixth. Once you write the first six, maybe the following words, the words that define your life and who you will become, may not be so hard to write.

You deserve to be given the chance to choose. 

You deserve the chance to share.  When you choose to share, you may just find something magical start to happen in your heart.

Much love to all of you,

Cory

Comments (16) | Posted in General by Kaitlyn Suveg

THIS FRIDAY NIGHT!! YOU'RE INVITED!!

The Buried Life (on MTV) is a show about four guys living their dreams, doing all the things they want to do before they die. Well, that's half the show. The other half is them helping other people realize their dreams.

They recently heard from a girl named Lexie. Lexie is 22 years old and she lives in Rochester, Minnesota. She is a TWLOHA supporter and her dream is to create a night that points to hope and help in her hometown. Lexie knows what it is to struggle with depression and self-injury and she wants other people who live with these issues to know they're not alone. 

Comments (24) | Posted in General, Music by jamie tworkowski

by Denny Kolsch - TWLOHA UChapters Director

This fall will be the one-year anniversary of TWLOHA UChapters, a program designed for college students inspired to bring the mission and vision of To Write Love on Her Arms to campuses across the US and Canada (for now). It began as an idea a year and a half ago. Today, the program is 27 chapters strong, from Florida to Ontario with another 16 in the process of launching. The vision for UChapters is to provide students a way to become more active in supporting and educating people about the issues of depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. This means speaking honestly and addressing stigmas, finding help for those seeking it, being a voice of hope where there is none, and choosing community and relationship over isolation.

The goal for the coming year is to head further west with UChapters (although we are still welcoming the eastern parts of North America). I'm in Omaha right now for our MOVE Community Conference and the goal is to train and prepare students to become official TWLOHA UChapter leaders. It will happen again at MOVE Portland in September and then MOVE Southern California in October.

Over the past few months, we've had a productive time working alongside our summer interns preparing for the fall semester. Currently, three of our six interns are representing their home chapters: TWLOHA-Virginia Commonwealth University and TWLOHA-Oklahoma State University. They have done an outstanding job in maintaining and developing the UChapter program and we are so thankful for them.

The ultimate purpose in all of the travel, meetings, evaluations, writing emails, etc. is for TWLOHA's message of hope and help to reach more students this year.  We know there is a need on campus. And we are trying our best to meet that need. Join us.

With Hope,

Denny

UChapter Director

Comments (0) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Comments (37) | Posted in Music by jamie tworkowski

i went for the upside down buildings and the special effects. These things will blow your mind and win awards but they are not the reasons you should go. You should go for the humanity of the film. You should go because you will relate to the people stuck in moments, the people living with ghosts, people trying to get home. You should go to be reminded that our lives are also stories and every good story is about someone fighting a battle and there are no enemies greater than the ones called guilt and regret, pain and shame. The movie serves as a reminder that these enemies unchecked will haunt and hunt you always. Thankfully, the movie also serves as reminder that people need other people, that our stories and our battles and our dreams, these things are meant to be shared. 

i went for what i saw in the previews, fantastic things pushing and falling and exploding around the characters. i left thinking about the things that push and move in me, my ghosts and wars and dreams. The movie suggests that we are most alive and most awake when we are dreaming. And while a case could be made that it is speaking to the dreaming that occurs when we’re asleep, perhaps it’s true or even more true of the dreams we dream awake. 

Inception suggests that there is much at stake; our hearts and our children and the air in our lungs. i am 30 years old. It doesn’t feel old but some days it sounds old when i say or see it. It’s easy to buy into the idea that “dreaming” is a silly word for children, that “battle” means the military and that ghosts are not real. Inception felt like an invitation, a reminder that there might be more to the story, a world we don’t see but one connected to the days we wake to.

There is certainly much at stake. i don’t know your story or your dreams or the things that steal your sleep, but i know they matter. i hope your story is rich with other characters, rich with friends and conversation. i hope you know some people who will carry you and i hope you get to carry them. i hope that there is beauty in your memories and i hope it doesn’t haunt you. And if it does, then i hope there is someone who will talk you through the night and remind you of the promise of the sunrise, that beauty keeps coming, that there are futures worth waiting for and fighting for and that you were made to dream. 

Peace to you tonight.
jamie

Comments (21) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

COME WATCH CHARLIE ST. CLOUD WITH THE TWLOHA TEAM.

We are fans of surprising stories, worlds colliding and things happening in places they would not normally happen. With those things in mind, you are invited to spend the evening of Wednesday, July 28 with the TWLOHA team in Melbourne, Florida. We’re excited to bring you Charlie St. Cloud, the new movie starring Zac Efron, two days before it comes out. Charlie St Cloud speaks to the pain of losing someone you love, the struggle to let go and the miracle of moving forward. Posters for the movie say it well: “Life is for living.” 

Beyond the movie itself, we are excited for this event. Our aim is a unique evening that points to hope, help and community. Movie premieres tend to take place in New York and L.A. We love the idea of bringing a taste of those nights to the place we’re from. i grew up just across the bridge in Melbourne Beach and I’ve been seeing movies at this theater since i was a kid. Beyond our own roots, this is an attempt to celebrate you, to say that you are the star on this night. From 6 - 7:30, there will be photo opportunities, some music and speaking and the chance to meet our team. And just like HEAVY AND LIGHT, we will be highlighting local counseling and treatment resources. Then at 7:30, we will all watch Charlie St. Cloud together. 

Here are the details:

The event is free but space is limited. Reserve your tickets by emailing charlie@twloha.com with the name of each person in your party. An adult must accompany children under 13. Tickets can be picked up the day of the movie. If tickets are not picked up by 7PM, tickets will be given out first come first serve. You will need an ID to pick up tickets.

Premiere Theaters Oaks 10 
1800 W. Hibiscus Blvd. Melbourne, Florida 32901

On behalf of our entire team, we hope to see you soon!!

Peace to you today.
jamie

Comments (19) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

While working with To Write Love on Her Arms I’ve heard some amazing stories. I’ve listened, I’ve shared, and I’ve grown. We say it all the time, “your story is important,” because it is. Your story is one that was written with purpose. It’s still being written. Sometimes we suffer. Sometimes we stumble, we fall, and we can’t see how we can possibly get up. Our hearts break, our world seems to get darker, we feel alone. But through those struggles you learn and you grow. You figure out who you are. Two weeks ago I met an amazing woman on a plane to Cincinnati that helped me see that again.

I woke up at 5am. My alarm went off and I began to slowly get dressed, mumbling under my breath about staying up late and needing more sleep. Whitney, Narika and I were heading to a festival in Pennsylvania and were in for a long day. Airport security lines stretched out into the atrium, children were crying, a whole family even jumped ahead of a line of people who had been waiting for awhile (us included). A crowded tram ride, a long walk to the terminal, and a quick breakfast later I was situated in my seat on the plane.

Because my ticket had been booked after Whitney’s and Narika’s my seat was a few rows ahead of them. I settled into seat 19E, a center seat between a mother of two spunky girls across the aisle and a woman about my mother’s age with a warm smile and a People magazine beside the window, seat 19F.

“You’ve got to let me know if that’s a good read,” I said with a smile, pointing at the front cover of the magazine. “I couldn’t decide if I wanted it or not.” She laughed and offered to let me have it once the flight was over. She wouldn’t need it for her connecting flight because she was certain she’d finish before this flight was through. We chatted for a moment and I learned she was on her way to Montreal to see her mother, though she was living in Florida just down the coast from my sleepy little town of Cocoa.

The plane began to rumble down the runway and I popped in my headphones and attempted to catch a few moments of rest before the long day ahead of me officially began.

The chime signaling that it was time to turn off portable electronic devices pulled me from my drowsy daze. The lady beside me was tapping her arm to the beat of the music in her own headphones as she flipped through her magazine. As I began to put away my iPod she began to do the same.

“So,” she said, almost hesitantly, looking for a conversation, but unsure of my willingness to participate, “why are you going to Cincinnati?” I began to explain to her about To Write Love on Her Arms and our participation in the festival. Her eyes got wide as I talked about the need for conversations to start and for people to know they are not alone, that their stories are important. She told me that she works in education and feels like so many of her students struggle with the same issues I had just mentioned.

“It’s so important,” she said. “I’m glad to have grown up in the 60’s! It was a lot less stressful, though my husband may not agree.” Seeing my confusion she began to tell me about how her husband and his five best friends enlisted in the army together straight out of high school and were deployed to Vietnam. She didn’t say how long it took, but within weeks of each other, each of her husband’s best friends were killed in the war. He was even shot down in a helicopter. “He lives with so much guilt and sadness. He doesn’t understand why he lived and they didn’t!” You could see how much she loved her husband as she spoke about him. Her eyes hurt for him, yet she smiled.

“He’s had a good life! He lived! We got married young. We had three children.” My frustrations from the morning seemed to disappear as I listened to this woman weave her story for me. “I know we’re meant for so much, especially after 9/11. I was in the first tower, you know.”

She went on to tell me about her morning on September 11, 2001, a morning where she decided to leave her desk on the 91st floor because she was hungry. She chatted with co-workers as she made her way to the elevator and ultimately ended up in the concourse below the streets of New York buying breakfast. It was then that the first plane hit, shaking the walls of the tower and causing a great commotion. The plane crashed into the building killing everyone on board as well as many of this woman’s co-workers, the co-workers she had just wished a good morning to. The fear and panic consumed the building and she quickly escaped and watched from six blocks away as the tower fell.

2,995 people died in the attacks on America on September 11, 2001.

2,995 people were lost, their families left behind, their stories ended too soon.

She looked at me with a concrete assurance, “I’m not afraid of anything anymore. I don’t care about death. I faced death. My husband faced death. We’re alive and now it’s about living life and being happy.” Her words seemed to be like cold water rushing through my body. Goosebumps filled my arms and tears came to my eyes. This woman. This beautiful stranger sat beside me with a rare confidence about life. She shouldn’t be alive, but she is. She is! Her heart is beating and her lungs are breathing fresh air and she is alive! She began to describe how she doesn’t take for granted the little things anymore, “a small child’s giggle, a sunrise on the beach, spending time driving around and experiencing new things. Those are the moments you cherish no matter how small.”

I didn’t know that getting onto that plane would change me. I didn’t know that the smiling woman reading a magazine would create a new sense of hope in my life. She revealed truths to me that I had forgotten, truths that rejuvenated me and gave me peace. She had lived, struggled, felt pain and fear. But through those struggles, through that pain, she was given hope. Switchfoot says that every breath is a second chance. This woman embraced that truth. She ran with it. As I got off the plane with her I thanked her for sharing her story with me. I let her know how much it touched me. She just smiled and told me to have a good trip to Pennsylvania and then she was gone, lost in a sea of travelers looking for their connecting flights.To the lady in 19F – thank you so much for sharing your life with me. Thank you for reminding me to embrace life and live. Your story is so important and meaningful.

By: Holly Hallum

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A special note about Holly:

Holly was an intern here with us this past fall. After her internship, she stayed on with us part-time, helping Denny run the UChapters program, working as the Intern RA and investing herself as a member of our community here in Cocoa. We’re excited to share that as of yesterday, Holly joined our team full-time.

Let her know how much her words mean to you, and join us in celebrating her today!

Comments (23) | Posted in General by Kaitlyn Suveg

Counselors Aaron and Michelle Moore have been part of the TWLOHA story since 2006, providing training to TWLOHA staff and interns and teaching at MOVE Community Conferences. They have spoken at HEAVY AND LIGHT the last two years and Aaron often joins Jamie on the road, bringing a counselor's perspective to TWLOHA events on college campuses. 

Comments (0) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

IN LOVING MEMORY: NATE "OTEKA" HENN (1985-2010)

It was early Sunday evening when i first heard about the bombings in Uganda. I saw something from CNN on Twitter and instantly thought of my friends at Invisible Children, because Uganda is the focus of their mission. Members of their team live there and others join them throughout the year. I sent a text to my friend Jason Russell. Jason went to Uganda in 2003, one of three friends with cameras hoping to find a story. The story they would find would make it's way to people all over the world. What began as a DVD is now a global movement and a charity working to end the world’s longest running war. 

When I sent the text, I hoped that I was only talking about a place. It was Uganda and so Jason needed to know. A place was bombed, a place my friends know as home even from across the miles. But the place was not the thing that caused the weight. It was the possibility of people. What if this bomb took people? What if it took a friend from my friends?

I woke up yesterday to the awful news that the bombings in Uganda had taken the lives of 74 people and one among them was Nate "Oteka" Henn, a member of the Invisible Children team. Nate was an American living in Uganda. He had fallen in love with the mission of IC, devoting his life to the possibility of peace, volunteering without pay for over a year. 

We have many friends at Invisible Children. We believe deeply in who they are and what they do. Our friends at IC are hurting right now. Nate's friends and family and the people of Uganda are hurting right now. We take this moment to say that they are not alone, that Nate's life mattered, that his story was important and will not be forgotten. 

We hope you'll take a moment to learn more about Nate. He lived in a way that placed others above himself. With that, his life became a gift to many. His family has established the Nate Henn Memorial Fund so that other young people can experience the life Nate lived as a Roadie for Invisible Children. TWLOHA is proud to announce a donation of $1500 to the fund.

TWLOHA exists to invite people to fight for their stories, to move beyond their pain by stepping into hope, help and community.We believe that every life matters. Every life in Uganda, every life in America, every life everywhere. When one suffers, we all suffer. Nate was in Uganda living a picture of this, trying to ease the suffering of others, injecting dignity where it had been lost, waking each day to place his hands against the wounds of a broken world, to try to stop the bleeding.  

It seems Nate knew the thing that some never learn, that we are part of a bigger story, that our lives are gifts to give. May we walk the road he showed us and may we see him on the other side.

In Loving Memory: Nate "Oteka" Henn 

Peace to you today.
jamie

Comments (7) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Kristin Brooks Hope Center wins $100k for IMAlive.

Back in January, i sat down to write a note of thanks for your incredible support in the initial Chase Community Giving. That contest went down to the wire and your votes pushed us all the way to 3rd place, which meant $100,000 toward IMAlive, the live online crisis network we're working to launch with our partners Kristin Brooks Hope Center and PostSecret.

Now, only six months later, Chase Community Giving has happened once again and you guys were amazing once again. This time, we invited you to support Kristin Brooks Hope Center. Just like January, it came down to the final night. Thanks to your support, KBHC finished in 2nd to win another $100,000 for IMAlive.

The PostSecret community continues to demonstrate generosity and passion beyond words. Frank Warren's Sunday morning "Please Vote" request on PostSecret.com translated to thousands of votes, helping KBHC to climb from 8th all the way to the top.

While we were certainly aiming for that top spot, we want to take a moment to look at the bigger picture. First off, we want to say congratulations to the Harry Potter Alliance. Inspired by the stories of magic and wonder, Harry Potter fans are now working together to make the world a better place.

We also want to congratulate the following organizations that finished in the Top 200 and will be receiving $20,000 for their cause: Music Saves Lives, The Mentoring Project, Pablove Foundation, Surfers Healing and Strange Tree Group. There are many organizations doing important work and meeting needs in creative ways. Beyond the funding, we think it's wonderful that Chase Community Giving is bringing attention to so many significant causes.

The TWLOHA story is one of surprising open doors and you guys have always held the keys. You have taken our message and mission to places we never could have dreamed. Thank you for continuing to believe in hope and help. Thank you for your voices and your votes. Thank you for caring about people.

Peace to you today.
jamie

Comments (35) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Chloe reflects on Bamboozle Roadshow

“I lost my cousin to suicide three days ago.” - West Palm Beach, FL

“My daughter cuts and I don’t know why.” - Arlington, TX

“I’m schizophrenic and have been suicidal for the past few years, but I have hope." - Houston, TX

“My best friend is going into treatment this week. She’s been going in and out of centers for the past four years. I just want to help her.” - San Antonio, TX

“I’m bipolar and I passed it on to both my children.” - Clarkston, MI

“All I want to do is stop. Everyone is scared but I don’t know what to do.” - Charlotte, NC

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Thank you. I wish there was something deeper or more profound to say to those of you who visited the TWLOHA table and shared your story at The Bamboozle Roadshow this year. But nothing feels like it’s quite enough or conveys how truly grateful my heart is for having met all of you. The comments above are just a few of the many stories I was fortunate enough to hear during the six-week tour.

The main reason we go on the road so much is to meet people where they are – to hear their hearts, and to present them with the idea, sometimes new, sometimes not so new, that they don’t have to live their lives alone. One of the biggest honors for me (and I’m comfortable saying this for our team as well) is being someone that a complete stranger trusts enough to share their darkest moments with. It’s beautifully overwhelming to be a person someone feels safe talking to about their struggles after only a brief introduction of names. My hope is that in these exchanges they (and possibly you) feel a bit of freedom from pain, and a sense of understanding. I also hope that you are able to be on the receiving end of conversations like this, to be someone that someone else needs.

I left for this tour with a heavy heart and hoped that the road would make it light again. What I found out was something I already knew. It wasn’t the road that was making things easier, it was people; seeing old friends, making new ones, and meeting all of you. It was sharing TWLOHA and parts of myself with others. “Your story is important.” We say that a lot because it’s true. What you have to say, and what you’ve experienced deserves to be known by others.

I wish for you this summer, and all the days after, that you have someone to share your story with.

With Love,
Chloe

P.S. Thank you to Bamboozle for letting us join your traveling summer camp. Thank you to so many of the artists for being curious about what we do, for wanting to get involved, or for showing continued support. We’re grateful for our friends in Boys Like Girls, Forever The Sickest Kids, Third Eye Blind, LMFAO, The Ready Set, and Cady Groves who all rocked TWLOHA at some point during the tour. And a big thank you to my dear friend Martin of Boys Like Girls for wearing a TWLOHA shirt everyday of the tour and for all of your support.

Comments (19) | Posted in Journal, Merch, Music by Chloe Grabanski

Hey Guys.

Wanted to invite you to check out my new blog on AltPress.com Wasn't sure what to write about but then i picked up a book called The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand last weekend - i'm early in the book but it's really been speaking to me. It put words to some things i've been feeling a while. i don't know about you but i feel like that's what a good book does. Anyway, my blog is inspired by that book. It's about following your heart and doing what you love, no matter what people say.

It's an honor to be invited to write for Alt Press. Their magazine and website mean a lot to a lot of people so this is a chance for us to share the message and mission of TWLOHA with some new folks. i hope you'll check it out. Feel free to leave a comment too, to let them know what you think.  

Peace to you today.
jamie

Comments (9) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Hello Everyone,

If you can believe it, we are already in our second week of Warped Tour. This summer marks the sixteenth year of Warped and the crew has once again done an outstanding job bringing us a dynamic line-up of bands, vendors and non-profits.  We are so fortunate to be able to set up every day at this festival.

Emily and I are holding down the fort (tent) right now. We've also had some great volunteers, which helps so much. It is so good to see some familiar faces at the festival already. Thank you to you guys who have come up to talk and who support TWLOHA. It fuels us and helps us make it through every day of this tour.

And while we meet so many supporters who believe in our message, we also meet some who are skeptical. Last week, a younger man named Scott came asking about our organization. He walked up to the booth, read our mission statement, and asked, “I can see this (the mission statement on an info card) but I want to know what you really do to help?” After I explained to him what the organization does, he immediately opened up and shared some of his story. Once, in a moment of desperation, he was very close to attempting suicide. The only thing that kept him alive had been his wife coming home. Perfect timing. He is now seeking therapy and professional help.

At the Warped Tour stop in Ventura, all of the security guards were volunteers. And not just any volunteers, but military. A whole battalion had given up their time on a Sunday to make sure that the people at Warped were safe and having a good time. I ended up striking a conversation with one guard named Kevin. Kevin was short and had red hair. He looked young and his face was burnt from the long day. I pointed out his sunburn and we just started chatting from there. I explained the mission of TWLOHA and why we want to be at events like this, and he explained to me how he has suffered from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). He has been deployed to Iraq twice, and is now at home seeking help for his PTSD and spending time with his family.

Both of these young men share at least three things in common: they are both military veterans, they have seen the dark places that hurt and are hard to get out of, and both of them are seeking help to lift them out of those places. The reason I share both of these with you is because both of the stories of these young men are so hopeful. They both provide hope and show stories of redemption.

The government has a program called Military One Source for anyone who has served and is struggling that will assist and help pay for help. Both of these men have utilized these programs and found help. If you are struggling and feel like you need some assistance, I hope Kevin and Scott’s stories have given you some encouragement to seek it out.

I want to thank all of you again for coming to the tent to show support or curiosity. And thank you to Scott and Kevin for sharing some personal things. Kevin’s wife is pregnant with their first child, and he finds out soon whether it is a boy or girl.

Good luck Scott and Kevin. You made my day.

 With Hope,
Jason Blades

PS: CLICK HERE to see all upcoming Warped Tour dates. 

Comments (2) | Posted in General, Music by jamie tworkowski

It's funny that i don't remember loving the 4th of July as a kid. Because it's become one of my favorite holidays. And this may sound bad but it's not really about America for me. Don't get me wrong - i love America, i am grateful and proud to live here, grateful for my freedom and aware of it's cost. But if i'm honest, that's not what i think about when i watch the colors explode in the night. i think about wonder and i think about hope. 

i hope for you what i hope for myself. i hope for you the hope to know it. 

Peace to you. 

jamie

Comments (22) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

A couple weeks back, we had the privilege of being part of Sasquatch Festival at the Gorge in George, Washington. It was an incredible event and to say that it happened at a beautiful place would be more than an understatement.

Comments (3) | Posted in General, Music by Chris Youngblood

I grew up throwing dirt clods for sport and listening to Garth Brooks and Vince Gill on cassette tapes. Bare feet and dirt roads.When I was older, four-wheelers and trails through the woods. In high school, I was a part of the self-proclaimed redneck crowd, donned in Carhart coats, socializing around their oversized trucks with lift-kits. I still remember when my dad moved out when I was in second grade into another trailer across town. He had cable, and I was introduced to CMT and music videos. All that is to say, I was raised in the country on country music.

Though my musical tastes are broad, country music emanates this feeling of home. There is this unparalleled community that happens in the country music world. There is a shared history and love of the South and its culture, a fondness for simple pleasures in life, and the sweet twang—all of these things bringing musicians and fans together.

Jess and I share an office, so when she looked up the information about CMA Fest, I was the first to hear about it. My job is mostly administrative and doesn’t require me to go on the road very much, but I knew that if TWLOHA was going to be at CMA Fest I wanted to be there.  Of the fourteen people on staff, Jess, Chris, and I are the only country fans.  Chris is from Georgia, so it’s a part of his soul. Jess is a diehard fan and has adopted a bit of a twang. But we were sure it wouldn’t work, because summer is our busiest season, and TWLOHA has never been involved with the country music world at all.

Jamie and Rich said yes. Surprised but incredibly excited, Jess submitted our application.  The CMA Fest only has three or four nonprofits, a much smaller number than we’re used to so we were unsure whether or not we would get picked. Next thing I know, Chris is packing the back of the Jeep like a jigsaw puzzle while Jess, Emily, and I organize pillows, snacks, and music for the long drive to Nashville.  Although Emily wasn’t a big country fan before the festival, she left singing along to Lady Antebellum and Carrie Underwood (and is still laughing about Blake Shelton’s jokes).

I’ve been back for two weeks and I’m still smiling and singing Zac Brown Band’s “Free” with a majestic hope in my heart. I said the words, “we’re a nonprofit raising awareness about depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide” with an info card in my hand and sweat trickling down my back 847 times, and I didn’t get tired of it. Some people politely listened feigning interest and others really heard me and tied a string from themselves to us because somehow our story was their story too.  

Peggy didn’t expect to be so drawn in. She stopped at the McDonald’s tent to get a snack for her granddaughter waiting at the picnic table when our funny name caught her eye. For the 321st time, I told a stranger who we are. Holding back tears, she told us about her niece Jeanie and how much Jeanie needed to know about us. “This is so Jeanie, all Jeanie,” she kept saying and shared how Jeanie has dealt with great loss and pain in the last year. Peggy walked away and wasn’t a stranger anymore.  

The next day, Chris was helping a petite soft-spoken woman with her blonde hair cropped just above her shoulders who was learning about us for the first time. I came up when she was paying for her Love is the Movement shirt. Holding back tears and digging in her wallet, her gaze not meeting our eyes, she said she lost her brother to suicide. I said I was so sorry to hear that and Chris asked her name. Asking someone their name gives them this unspoken validation that they matter even though they may be a stranger. Through her smile, she said her name was Lisa, and I knew I would never forget her. She looked at me and said, “Mom and Dad have never been the same,” and I said, “Yeah, it changes everything—nothing and no one is ever the same.” She nodded, and I asked when her brother passed sure that it was within the past few months. Her voice cracked as she said, “1986.” I tried to contain my surprise. I haven’t lost someone to suicide, so I haven’t dealt with that kind of pain personally. Her brother has been gone longer than I have been alive, and her pain at losing him is still so fresh and real. She held up her shirt, bowed her head, and said thank you as she walked away, and I wonder who is more grateful that she stopped at our tent—her or us?

At CMA Fest during the day different zones are open and most of them free to the public, but at five booths start closing up for the night for everyone to get dinner and make the trek to LP Field across the bridge for the evening concerts. Passes to the concerts were included with our booth package, so each night we joined more than 40,000 people to sing and dance to our favorite country songs. Anyone who enjoys seeing live music knows the magic of being in a crowd of people, singing the same song at the top of your lungs and getting goose bumps. It doesn’t always happen that way in the nosebleeds, but during Keith Urban’s set it was inevitable.

In case you haven’t heard, Nashville had an awful flood the first weekend in May. Most of downtown Nashville (where CMA Fest is held) was under water.  In the beginning, the media didn’t give it much coverage and the city wasn’t getting help from the outside. But Nashville banded together, pulled themselves up and did what they had to do to get their city on its feet again. Restaurants spent their days making bag lunches and giving them away throughout the city, while other people worked to repair the damage. A little more than a month later, they were ready to host the first ever sold out CMA Fest.

Keith played his whole set, then he talked about Nashville and the flood. He talked about how proud he was to be a part of a city with such a strong community, how people joined together without thinking twice, and how important it was for all of us to be there at CMA Fest, how much Nashville needed us to come. He dedicated his next song to the city and the people and launched into a cover of “With a Little Help from my Friends” with Little Big Town. The performers at Heavy and Light this year also covered this song, but this performance had a different force, a different power, a different magic with images from the flood flashing on the screen behind the band. We stood and we sang and we rocked (yes, we still rock out in country music). In The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie talks about this moment where he and his friends are singing together in the truck and he says he felt infinite (page 39), and this night, this song, this moment is infinite for all 40,000 of us.  

Depression doesn’t care if you wear a cowboy hat with Wranglers or skinny jeans with Converse shoes. I hope that through this small window into what may be a different world you see that this story may be your story too. It may look different and sound different, but pain is universal. Hope is too. That’s why we went because everyone is a part of this ongoing conversation. May your life look like this—where strangers become friends in an instant, where 40,000 people can feel like family, where a song and a few pictures become an infinite moment you want to tuck away so you can take it out again and again.

 So much love to all of you strangers reading this.
Know that there is someone down in Florida who believes in you.
Thank you for letting me be a part of your story.

whitney

Comments (12) | Posted in General, Journal, Music by Chris Youngblood

A town is a place but it is more that thing where stories tie together. Moments hilarious and terrible and amazing inspire nicknames and people gather around food and laughter. People come together to live and tell their stories and it all adds up to form something bigger, the story of a town. Virginia Beach is a surfing town and i have been there now.

Zeke died five years ago, his death a suicide, a choice and moment just like millions more, except the kind that’s all too final, the kind that leaves no room for others. First Street, this ocean, this place, is where his ashes were scattered. Men who love the land, you give them to the land, but surfers do it different. Surfers paddle out, hold hands and make a circle, ashes to the water along with flowers. And then we scream and splash and say goodbye. Perhaps we scream because it’s impossible. Zeke’s friends did this on a freezing cold January day in 2006, two hundred people in the water and as many or more standing on the sand, a scene that made the News.

i wasn’t there that day but i was there yesterday, for the 5^th Annual “Zeke’s Lil Rat Surfcus,” a unique surfing competition meant to make kids smile. Creativity is often born from suffering and this is also that, Zeke’s friends and family doing their best to create something special in his honor, beauty born from pain.

We woke up early to set up tents and prepare for the day. The kids arrived and the contest began at 8. I watched as Zeke’s mom, quiet and humble, worked to make sure everything was perfect for the kids. Every boy and every girl got an official contest t-shirt, black and white so that they could add the colors. She set up a table with fabric markers so that they could make their art. Zeke was always drawing and painting so this made perfect sense. She brought bubbles and water guns so that the kids could be kids, so that they could play and smile. This is crucial because we get older and we forget how to play. Pain and worry come to steal our smiles. Mothers, the good ones, they fight to let us keep them. Zeke is gone but his mother is still a mother.

Midway through the morning, she walked away without announcement, away from the buzz and noise and laughter of the contest. She walked alone, away from the tents, across the sand toward the rocks that form the jetty. She walked with flowers and Nicole told me they were sunflowers, because you give sunflowers to the people that you truly love. The kids near us cheered and screamed for reasons unrelated, the surfers surfed and the announcers added noise. She moved slowly across the rocks and at the end, she stopped and threw the flowers to the sea.

“She does this every year, today and on his birthday and on the day he died,” Nicole told me as we watched.

She paused for just a moment and I watched her walk back and I watched her wipe her eyes.

Two hours later, I sat down in the empty chair beside her.

“Today must be bittersweet for you,” I said, after small talk and some silence.

“Every day is bittersweet,” she replied.

We sat for some time, often without words, under a burning summer sun. I didn’t offer answers because I had no answers to offer. When we did talk, we talked about family and pain and change. We talked about her wonderful brilliant grandson and we talked about my sisters.

Zeke was my friend when we both worked at Hurley, and his Nicole has become my friend over the last year. I came to Virginia to support her and to meet the other characters, the friends with nicknames, his family, his town. I didn’t know it when I bought my ticket but I came to watch a mother remember her son, to say in her own way, that she remembers, that he was significant, that she is still his mother.

Every single kid who surfed in the contest left with information about TWLOHA and a TWLOHA t-shirt. There was no epic speech but it moved me to know that every single kid left that beach with a bag marked “Hope is real. Help is real. Your story is important.”

The hope in all of that, the reason TWLOHA exists, is to keep the flowers from the sea. Death will come for all of us but let us fight to live. Let us bury our mothers and them not us. And if it should happen the other way or if it already has, i hope you get to know the privilege of seeing them remember. i hope you get to sit with them in silence, the silence simply honest and neither of you alone because the other is there.

In Loving Memory: Zeke Sanders

Peace to you today.

jamie

Comments (18) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

This blog was written on June 4, 2010.

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It is Thursday (but technically Friday) and I am sitting in Union Station in downtown Los Angeles waiting for the 1:25 am bus to take me to Bakersfield to catch a train heading north to see my parents.

I have only been here once before, and it was for a brief moment when I ran past everything without really noticing anything. This time I have an extra hour before I need to leave, so I take the time to observe my surroundings.

Union Station is a beautiful old building full of decorative tiles and leather chairs and wood trim on the ceiling. It’s a place I imagine Winston Churchill or FDR enjoying because it’s what I picture being "exquisite" during their lifetimes.

Union Station is also a building full of people who don’t have homes, places to go, or people to share their stories with. Many of the faces you pass look just as weathered as the walls. As I sit in one of the old-fashioned, brown leather chairs, I notice a security guard walking around, gently waking people up and asking, “Can I see your ticket?” The response from the person is typically one of confusion, or a rustle of pockets yielding no money or ticket, followed by silence as the sleepy person walks out into the early morning. They all give the ticket man the same look: pain.

I quietly ask the security guard, “How do you do this everyday?”

“Eventually you just get used to it. It’s always the same.”

The words roll around in my mind for long time. I try to wrap my head around each of them, to somehow make sense of their meaning.

“It’s always the same.”

Why? It doesn’t have to be. We are not meant to live our lives in such brokenness. Every one of these people has a story, and each just as important. Why do we feel as if their lives are so drastically different from the security guard’s? And from my life. Or maybe yours too.

My heart aches for lonely, broken people. But also for the security guard, who has to send them away everyday, into a place where shelter may not meet them. And for the people who have a roof, and a bed, but still feel alone – my heart aches for you, and sometimes for me, because at times it feels lonelier in a crowded room than it does in an empty home.

So if that’s you right now, please know it is possible to find a place where you feel alive. You are meant for that. You deserve to have a place to go and rest. It may not involve a roof, but it will involve people. And in the sharing of your story with others, you give them permission to do the same.

With Love,

Chloe

Comments (9) | Posted in General, Journal by Chloe Grabanski

A guy called Erik Carlson asked if he could film our Naperville, IL event a couple months back. He said he wanted to ask some questions for a project he had in mind. We had never heard of him at the time but we are beyond impressed by what he put together. 

Comments (9) | Posted in General, Music by jamie tworkowski

Dear Today (or Yesterday as the case may be), I am thankful you happened.I believe I can confidently say that today was the best Memorial Day I’ve ever had.
The others were fine, but they were just days, the possibility of a break from school or work, and (if I remembered) for remembering people who have served in my place to protect a freedom I take for granted.
(And perhaps I am a horrible person for not remembering, but that is a different blog.)
But today, I remember.

Today, I remember we are broken creatures.
I remember our brokenness is not the end, that we can let the light in through the cracks.
I remember intersections mean that we are coming from different angles.
I remember to be thankful for the crossing.
I remember we must work to sew ourselves to each other.
I remember pulling the threads takes steady fingers and commitment.
I remember that roots are worth it, no matter how temporary.
And these are pretentious and varying metaphors, yet they completely capture my Memorial Day.

Today was made of a few good conversations leading me to all those conclusions.
Tonight, I sat at a picnic table with a woman I should, by all potential intersections, already know but didn’t until two weeks ago.
As the water steadily slapped the rocks and the clouds moved like a slideshow above us, we talked about Ms. Britt and Meredith College, our love for the most beautiful of the Carolinas, the strings that attach us to where we come from and where we’ve been, and the women we believe we’ve always been and are becoming more of everyday.
When I talked about feeling like my strings are tight and the strain hurts, she tilted my perspective. 
She reminded me that tight strings make for beautiful melodies and maybe my melody of this time will serve a purpose for someone else.
And maybe that doesn’t sound profound to you, reading this on a screen.
Maybe you need the darkness and streetlights and rock-slapping water to get the full effect, but for me, for tonight, she gave the metaphor a weight I needed to see.

And I remember why I wanted to come here.
It was for conversations like today, for the intentional and genuine curiosity of a stranger that plants the seeds of beautiful friendships.
It was for nights like tonight, where, despite the bugs and the heat and the humidity and the creepers, we were not leaving that fucking bench.
Days like today make me feel more alive and more myself.
And I remember my story is mine, and I choose how to tell it.
Dear Today, I needed you very much.

Love and hope and grace and peace to you on this Tuesday.
May you have days like this, where you write all the details because they are too good for the possibility of forgetting.
Thank you for reading.

whitney

PS: To read more of Whitney's writing, check out her blog.

Comments (17) | Posted in General, Journal by Chris Youngblood

Spring 2010 UChapter Tour - University of South Carolina from To Write Love on Her Arms. on Vimeo.

Comments (4) | Posted in General, Music by Chris Youngblood

Please remember the ones who can't forget, the soldiers forever trying to get home, trying to let go, to be okay...

To soldiers and to the friends and family of soldiers, we pause to acknowledge you today, to say that you matter. The things you've seen, the things you've lost, the battles that you fight, the dreams that steal your sleep - may we never call them small.

And we apologize today, for the ways that we forget, for the ways that we are selfish, for our lack of understanding. Perhaps the ones who've never been there, we can't begin to comprehend words like "war" and "fight" and "home." We don't know what they weigh and what they cost.

To the ones who fought for peace and freedom, we pray those things for you. We pray rest and hope and healing, and innocence again. We pray for people who will listen and the strength in you to speak. May other people know you, walk with you in the questions and recovery. May you get the help you need, the help that you deserve.

Today, we say that we see you, and not only as a soldier but also as a person. Someone not unlike us. You are significant. You are not forgotten.

Finally, humbly, thank you.

Peace to you today.
Jamie

Comments (18) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

i hope you know you're not the only one who feels the way you feel. You are not the only one who struggles. You are not the only one with questions. You are not crazy. You deserve to be heard, to be known. You deserve love. 

Comments (160) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH ALABAMA

The TWLOHA Spring 2010 UChapter Tour visited the University of South Alabama on April 27, 2010. This event was one of 28 across the U.S. and Canada. The goal was to use the songs of Damion Suomi, Andy Zipf and Lauris Vidal to inspire conversations about pain, hope and community.

Comments (5) | Posted in General, Music by jamie tworkowski

The Spring 2010 UChapter Tour has come and gone... And the road was long. Very long. 44 days, 28 events, 18 states, 1 province, 2 countries, and 10,000 miles to be exact. For those who don't know, UChapters is a college and university program that TWLOHA launched last Fall. Each chapter is lead by students and exists to bring the mission and vision of To Write Love on Her Arms to campuses across the US and Canada (for now).

Our goal with this tour was to use the music of Damion Suomi, Andy Zipf and Lauris Vidal to inspire conversations on the themes of Pain, Hope and Community. Joining the artists was a TWLOHA representative - either Chad Moses, Jason Blades or myself (Denny Kolsch) - who served as a discussion moderator between the audience and artists. Each song revealed the reality of pain and pointed to the hope found in community.

On the road we had the opportunity to enter into people's lives and homes. We shared stories and meals, slept on floors, visited quaint little towns and big bustling cities. Life was given and it was received. I'm not going to lie, planning this tour for the chapters and our team was hard and at times very stressful. But every time I heard the songs of these freakishly talented musicians and the responses of the audience, I couldn't help but to believe it was all worth it.

Every night we talked about people as if they mattered. Like really mattered. We talked about how music and other art forms have the power to help us process the pain in our lives. And likewise, how choosing to "know and be known" is often the setting where this process occurs. That every person has deep value is something we agreed we must believe. But will we choose to believe this for ourselves?

 I can't fully express how much I was moved by all the life we encountered on the road. There were so many special people and stories. Below is the first of three videos produced by our talented filming friend Dustin Miller. All three videos are from different chapter events on the UChapters Tour. The first one is from the Virginia Commonwealth University / University of Virginia combined event, which was held in Richmond, VA on April 23.

If you are interested in how to become involved with UChapters please visit twlohauchapters.com for more information.

Thank you to all the chapters and friends that made this tour happen!



With Hope,
Denny

Comments (7) | Posted in General, Music by Chris Youngblood

We hope that today is indeed a happy Mother's Day, that there is much to celebrate and that Moms feel loved today.

We know that it's a difficult day for some, that some have lost their Mom or the relationship is broken. Please know you're not alone today.

To every mother that's lost a son or daughter to suicide or addiction, you're in our thoughts and prayers today. You're not alone.

Peace to you today.

Comments (21) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

This story happened one week ago.

We had a team at Bamboozle in New Jersey. On the road, Chad was nearing the end of the Pick Up The Phone Tour. At the Bungalow, our interns were packing and saying goodbyes as their four-month internship came to a close. As for me, I had the weekend off – no TWLOHA events or festivals, just another average weekend in Central Florida (or so I thought.)

Saturday night my husband and I drove to Melbourne High School, the same school we graduated from almost ten years ago, for the 2010 Relay For Life event. The American Cancer Society Relay For Life is an annual event that takes place in parks and schools across the globe. It’s a memorial to remember loved ones lost to cancer, a time to celebrate with those who have survived, and a chance to fight back against this awful disease. As we approached the school we saw hundreds of cars lining the baseball field, filling the parking lots, and overflowing to areas across the street. I was blown away. I hadn’t even walked up and I was already in awe.

Music was blaring. Kids were running, playing, laughing. Booths were on both sides of the walking track selling merchandise, goodies, and food to raise additional funds for the cause. Tents and sleeping bags were set up for the night ahead. There was a rainbow of t-shirts in different colors, each t-shirt representing one of the thirty-nine teams participating that evening. Teams were made up of school faculty members, co-workers from local businesses, families, and groups of friends who in some way or another had been affected by cancer. The second we walked up, we were greeted by our friend Sean. Sean was a groomsman in our wedding and has been one of our closest friends for years. My husband and I were participating for him and for his family. His father, after a long battle with an extremely rare cancer, passed away on August 13, 2008.

The entire Relay for Life was dedicated to Sean’s father, Dr. Thomas McIntyre. He had been a prominent member of the community and was well known in the education system – he had spent years as a teacher, dean, principal and superintendent in the county. To me, he was just my friend’s dad. To me, he was a father of three boys and a husband, now missing from this family I love.

The word “SURVIVOR” printed across the back of purple t-shirts reminded everyone that the person wearing the shirt had lived through their battles with the disease. They stood out in the crowd. Without saying a word, they could relate to one another. Smiles were passed back and forth from one survivor to another, a small gesture with a lot of impact. They didn’t need to describe chemo to each another or the side effects that resulted. They had known it, felt it, it had consumed their souls, and they came out on the other side.

I thought of my friend Stacy. Her mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Non Small Cell Non Smokers Lung Cancer in December 2004. Up until a few weeks ago, her mom would’ve proudly worn a “SURVIVOR” shirt too. But after five years in remission she was re-introduced to her worst enemy. Five years cancer-free and suddenly life changes. Again. It doesn’t add up. It doesn’t make sense. I wished in that moment that Stacy and her mom were there too, just so they could be loved, and so they could be reminded they were not alone. So their hope could be renewed.

There was a sense of unity and strength on the field that night. As the sun began to go down I noticed volunteers lighting tea lights in paper bags, each bag with the name of a friend or loved one who passed away from cancer or a message celebrating someone’s recovery. Each bag represented a story, a life. In my mind, there were too many bags, too much pain and too much struggle. It was difficult to look at. Even those celebrating in their recovery had walked through a time I could not begin to relate to. At sunset, the Luminaria Ceremony took place honoring Dr. McIntyre and all of the others affected by cancer in our community. The ceremony ended in silence, walking around the track lined with glowing luminaries.

It was a moment to reflect. A moment to remember. A moment that doesn’t happen frequently on a high school baseball field. As the lap ended, I turned to my husband and told him how crazy it was that we could’ve been walking for me; about a month and a half ago, I was tested for both bladder and kidney cancer. For some reason, I got the good news. My doctor looked me in the eyes and said I would be fine. “You do not have cancer.” I remember walking into the doctor’s office that day thinking my life could change drastically, but for some reason I was spared the diagnosis. So the question flips, why not me? Why am I so lucky? That night I was surrounded by hundreds of people whose lives had changed with a doctor visit. They had not received the good news I did. They received the bad news. The pain, the unending doctor appointments, procedures, prescriptions, treatment options, all of it. I had walked that path for a few months and it scared the hell out of me. Some have dealt with this for years. Some still do every day. And for some, like Sean’s dad, the cancer was just too strong.

That night I was invited into a community of people filled with hope, determination, and love. It was community at its finest; raw and honest. It was not sugarcoated. It was okay to be sad. It was okay to be happy. You didn’t have to act a certain way. The way you were was accepted. I hope that in whatever you are dealing with you are able to find a place where you feel safe being who you are. Whatever baggage you may carry or struggles you deal with, I hope that you can find a community like this one. Do not be ashamed. It’s okay to be scared, just do not live life alone. Talk to the people in your life you trust, or can learn to trust. Let them love you.

You are NOT replaceable.

With Love,
Jessica :)

UPDATE: As of yesterday, my friend Stacy’s mom received the news that she is cancer free again! We are all so excited and hopeful for the future. Day two and counting…

Comments (21) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

(Written after Copeland’s last American show in Orlando, FL on April 11, 2010.)

There was a lot that went into that night – the planning, the expectation, the travel, and the history.

A dear friend described the night as "saying goodbye to a big part of high school." In the office, we have a sort of specific language that revolves around music. We realize that we are drawn to music that reminds us it’s ok to sing and scream and smile and cry. Music is a safe place and a common ground, and music is one place that we can run to in attempts to make sense of our lives. Copeland had always fulfilled that purpose for me, even when I couldn't recognize that was the reason they hit me so hard.

What began as a $40 investment in a pair of tickets ended up being much more valuable. I emailed the staff to request they not book me for anything on April 11th, but this was long before a few other developments came to fruition, namely the Spring UChapters Tour and the Pick Up The Phone Tour. Once I knew I’d be on the road all of April, I told our partners in PUTP to find a replacement for me for the stop in DC, as I would be too busy standing in line at the Social in downtown Orlando that night. On April 10th, we had an event in NYC and I quickly loaded out in order to drive to DC by 4 in the morning, hop on a plane at 11 am and land in Orlando at 3 pm. From there, the plan was to celebrate the life of a band that meant so much to me and return to DC by the next morning for a press conference on Capitol Hill. Sixteen hours later and $250 poorer, I was able to arrive in DC with an uncensored smile that painted each word leaving my mouth.

Like many of you, "Brightest" was first my exposure to Copeland’s music. This marriage between ambience and "emo” – the vulnerability and lack of answers presented in the first album were what drew me in and encouraged me that questions are useful and allowed and appropriate. I found a sort of romance in the idea that, on Copeland's website, they asked their audience not to pry for the exact meanings of songs because Aaron Marsh, they felt, had exposed enough of his heart in the music itself. And this allowed me to make their songs mine.

I have talked a great deal in recent months about how music and memory are in constant interplay; music allows us to time travel and revisit the most joyous of times, and also the moments where our hearts have failed others and us. As the set started winding down, I began to fear that my favorite songs would forever exist only in mp3 form, but I was gifted with the best encore that could have been scripted for me. The band began the encore with "Brightest," the song that had played a huge role in the development of my musical tastes. Next was "Testing the Strong Ones," which (in cliché fashion) I would say is the story of my life – the description of that gap between expectation and reality, the familiar scents of hospitals and the hope that pain will end soon, the frustration with and the longing for the supernatural, the guilt and sinking feeling, and the faces of Mema, Rebekah, and Diana, and the course of events that led me to find out what brokenness truly meant – that song became my hymn. I have been tested, scarred, and held. To me, this song is a validation. The words represented everything I could not find, or rather, was afraid to find because they would scare those around me. That song made me feel less "crazy" because it was proof that someone out there knew exactly what I was feeling.

And then Aaron then said the words that the packed venue was afraid to hear. “Thank you, we love you... We were Copeland." The finality of that statement presented a stark contrast to their very last song, "You Have My Attention." The song that, to this day, keeps me searching, seeking, hoping, and moving. Where "Testing the Strong Ones" describes the story of my life, "Attention" describes the hope for what my story will become. The song is about the knowing what you are looking for and keeping that in sight. Nothing else that matters. My favorite part of this song is that it doesn't want to end. It just keeps driving and cuts in and out until it fades completely. The only reason it stops it because someone behind a studio wall decided to turn a knob to the left.

There was life in that room, and it was palpable. That night had countless faces and memories tied to every note, and that is rare. Everyone had entered through the doors with a story, and at some point in the lives of these individuals and the life of the band there had been a lyric or line or chord or sequence of tracks that brought us all together for that night.

Copeland was the first band I saw after I stopped self-injuring. I saw them in Charlottesville, VA at Starr Hill. I stood directly in front of the piano. I cried for the first time without needing booze to fuel my emotions. I felt something for the first time in years. I am quite simply indebted to these musicians and their art. They got me through those first painful weeks of lucidity and sobriety. I find healing in their words, and I find resonance in their questions. I find beauty in the word play. And now, I find comfort in their memory.

 I am Chad because they were Copeland.

Comments (12) | Posted in General, Music by Chris Youngblood

Hey guys,

Today was the last day for our Spring Interns at the office, and it’s a bittersweet ending to an awesome few months. We’ve danced, laughed and celebrated so many victories with them. We’ve shared the hard and messy parts of life. Some goodbyes have come too soon, but we are left this week with a joy that comes from knowing they are—and will continue to be—a part of our TWLOHA family.

We wanted to post the new intern video as a way to say thanks and to give you guys a behind-the-scenes look at the TWLOHA Intern Program. TWLOHA interns play a vital role in helping us reach our goal of connecting people to hope and help and community. We are looking for people willing and equipped to live out the TWLOHA mission. For info or to apply, visit www.twloha.com/move/intern-program.

Brandi, Shannon, Kim, Erin, Chelsea and Ashley, we can’t thank you guys enough for all the hard work you’ve done and for the life-giving moments you’ve brought to our team.



With Hope,
Lindsay
Intern Program Director

Comments (6) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

And now we get to answer the question...

Hey Guys,

PS3: Our friends at Charity:Water showed off the ad they wanted to run. We think it's pretty great.

Comments (41) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

This Thursday we were at Mr. Small’s in the sleepy town of Millvale, PA (just outside of Pittsburgh) for the Pick Up The Phone tour with Blue October. It was quite a contrast from the night before when we were at the House of Blues in Boston, which is the biggest venue in the franchise. This building used to be a gathering place for religious individuals, coming together as a community to celebrate a common belief. So while the music may be less orthodox, a bit louder, and include words not often said from a pulpit, it is still a room that celebrates community.

It has been a pleasure spending time with the bands and fans on this tour, hearing their stories and watching them sing along with the passion of a favorite hymn from yesteryear. Across the county, we see that every person joining us in these rooms come here for a reason. Many of them planned this night months in advance - their very own musical holiday. They come here because they relate to the music, and thus, to one another.

For this tour, we are united behind the cause of suicide prevention. Ironically, it's a topic rarely discussed in circles of faith. Despite the silence of some communities, there are waves of applause whenever the topic of saving lives is announced from stage. And this is something worth celebrating. While many of you may not be able to make it out to one of the tour dates, we still want to invite you into this celebration. We want to encourage you to continue to have the tough conversations, to help someone struggling.

Also, a key part of this tour is promoting IMAlive. We are still in the process of accepting volunteer applications for this new program and would be honored to have your help as we continue our journey toward the first live, online 100% trained and certified suicide prevention network.

Tickets are still available for most of the remaining dates. Find out more at putp.org. See you on the road.

With hope,
Chad

Comments (9) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Hey Guys.

We've seen some surprising doors open and we've been invited to borrow some amazing stages over the last four years. Jon Foreman pulled a Title shirt from the very first batch minutes before a sold-out Switchfoot show in South Florida. That was March 2006 and we were off and running. Since then, we've been invited to share a message of hope and help and community with thousands on tours with Anberlin, Bayside, The Almost, The Rocket Summer and Switchfoot - speaking not at 7 o'clock when the room is sparse and chatty but instead taking the stage in the most exciting moment, when the crowd expects the headliner. We’ve spent the last three summers all across America on Warped Tour, and we’ve had the privilege of touring Australia for the last two years of Soundwave Festival. NBC Nightly News introduced us to nine million people on a single night in 2008. Rolling Stone and MTV added to that number in 2009. And with a simple silly YouTube video, Joaquin Phoenix, Miley Cyrus and Liv Tyler put TWLOHA in front of two million folks.

And it wasn’t all bright lights and famous names. You have played just as much a part. Our message has spread in countless conversations at school and work and coffee. It’s happened in conversations with strangers and friends, sparked by questions such as “What does your shirt mean?” and “Why do you always write LOVE on your arm?”

Last night we learned about an exciting opportunity, a stage that we would certainly love to borrow. USA Today is giving away a full-page ad. Why is that exciting? Because every morning in America, nearly four million people wake up to USA Today.

What would we say to four million people?

It’s exciting to imagine.

Perhaps a simple message of encouragement, words of hope and help, meant to make four million days a little lighter. Or perhaps a letter to President Obama, telling him that we have to take better care of our soldiers – more are dying by suicide than combat and that’s a fact that screams for our attention. Or maybe it’s the chance to invite America to help fund IMAlive, a live online crisis network that we believe will save thousands of lives. It’s the first of it’s kind and long-overdue.

It would be quite an opportunity, quite the canvas to paint on, but we need your help to make it happen. We need your passion and your voice (and we need you to tweet).

Simply click here to post the following on your Twitter: 

“Let's bring hope and help to America. Please RT: #AmericaWants @TWLOHA to get a full-page ad in USA Today.”

Please invite your friends to do the same between now and Friday night (4/16) at 11:59pm EST. Learn more here.

Thanks so much your support. We’re all in this together.

Peace to you.

jamie

Comments (22) | Posted in General, Music by jamie tworkowski

One of the great privileges of the last couple years has been spending more and more time on college campuses. Doors keep opening and invitations keep coming and we love to go, to lead a conversation that we believe in, to talk about things that don't normally get talked about - this problem of pain that perhaps we can all relate to. 

Comments (21) | Posted in General, Journal by jamie tworkowski

Hey guys,

Last week we sent out our TWLOHA newsletter for the month of March, and we're pretty excited about it. We'll now be emailing these once a month to update you on details you may have missed, places we've been, progress in our new projects like IMAlive, and ways you can be involved. It's just one more way to stay connected with us. 

If you want to receive our monthly newsletter, submit your email on our homepage in the TWLOHA Email Updates section. 

To read the full version of our March newsletter, click here. 

Comments (3) | Posted in General by Kaitlyn Suveg

Alexis Pilkington, a West Islip High School senior and star soccer player died by suicide last weekend. There is speculation that cyberbullying on Lexi's Formspring.me account might have led to her decision. There has been a lot of talk in the media and online about people boycotting Formspring in response to Lexi's death. Yesterday afternoon, i was invited to write an opinion-based article for Newsday, the newspaper of Long Island, NY. i was given a little over an hour to write the piece and a shorter, heavily-edited version of it appears in this morning's paper. 

The original version is below:

On behalf of the community of people that I represent, I want to start by saying that our hearts are heavy for the friends and family of Alexis Pilkington. Though we did not know her, we are sorry beyond words. You are not alone in this moment. You are not alone in the questions that have no answers. To only offer only words feels small, but we believe those things and also these: We didn’t know Alexis but we know that she mattered, that her story was important. And we believe those things of you as well.

What I’m writing now is not an article about Alexis. I didn’t know the miracle of her life and it’s not my place to speculate on the details of her death. I am not a journalist and this writing is not based on research.

In the articles I’ve been reading about Alexis, the word “Formspring” keeps showing up. It’s a website that I’m familiar with. Formspring is a social networking site – essentially it’s a site where people can ask and answer questions of other Formspring users, sort of like an ongoing interview. The site is growing in popularity right now, especially among young people. What I’ve read suggests that Lexi received hurtful words via her Formspring account. I don’t know who wrote the hurtful words or if she knew them, and I don’t know if or how she responded.

There is speculation that these words led to her suicide. I’ve read a quote from her father that suggests he doesn’t believe it to be that simple, that there is more to the story, that Lexi struggled with depression and also that she was getting professional help for it.

In response to Lexi’s death, people are boycotting Formspring and that is what I want to address here.

First, I want to say that I completely understand this response. We live in a world where people say terrible things, where people forget the weight of their words and the consequences of their actions. You are right to hate an action that is awful, to despise something rooted in hate. I understand wanting to place blame and the desire for justice. I am 100% for the idea of laws that treat cyberbullying as a crime.

All of that said, I don’t believe that boycotting Formspring is any sort of solution. I don’t believe it will prevent suicide. The same problems exist on Facebook and MySpace and Twitter and countless other websites. And with that, it’s worth considering that hate, as well as pain, have been around much longer than the internet. If that’s true, then perhaps the problem is not the internet at all – perhaps the problem is people.

I believe there’s a bigger picture and better solutions to consider.  If you were close to Lexi and you want to do something that brings honor to her life - if you want to learn to fight for the lives and health of the people around you - my guess is that it won’t have much to do with the strangers on the internet. My guess is that it will happen in the context of real relationships and honest conversations.

It will happen at lunch and over coffee, in conversations long-overdue that begin with “How are you?”  It will happen as we allow ourselves to be truly known and truly loved and as we pursue the kinds of friendships where those things can be reciprocated. It will happen when we’re real with the people around us, when we invite people into our questions, our struggles, our fears, our dreams. It will happen when we get the help we need and invite others to do the same.

When it comes to depression and suicide and problems of pain, the people who struggle feel alone.  I struggle with depression and I know this feeling. And yet, better ideas exist: Perhaps we were not meant to live life alone.  Perhaps we were meant to live life with other people. Beyond relationships and community, the good news is that depression is treatable and that professional help exists. The hardest step to take is the first one. We know it’s not easy but we believe that it’s worth it.

The thing I like about Formspring is that, when used as it was intended, it suggests that someone’s story matters, that there is value in their answers and ideas. And we’re invited to ask questions as well. Now, what if we turned off our computers and lived that way? What if we fought to place value on the lives of the people we love, to truly meet them in their questions and their answers, and to confess to them our own. I believe we would see something stronger and brighter than any boycott. I believe we would be reminded that love is stronger than hate and that friendship might be the greatest miracle that happens on this planet. 

Comments (49) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

This tour is an attempt to celebrate and support our UChapters in bringing the message and mission of TWLOHA to college and university campuses. Evenings of lyrics and conversation, on the road now thru April 28. 

Comments (8) | Posted in General, Music by jamie tworkowski

A video for all who struggle. Don't give up. There is much to fight for and there are many ways to fight. Here is a beautiful display.

Comments (26) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Below are the words of Shannon, one of our spring interns spending the season with us. Shannon had attended MOVE prior to interning with us, and this past weekend she got the chance to help out a bit behind the scenes. While there, she connected with an attendee named Jenny who touched her heart, and we want to share her experience with all of you. Enjoy!

---

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending the MOVE Community Conference held in Cocoa Beach. Last April I attended a MOVE conference on my own in that same quiet beach town, with the same breeze and overcast sky. I never imagined I would be in this place again, one year later, with renewed encouragement and thoughts of hope.

As I stood in the red and gold conference room early Friday morning, MOVE attendees slowly arrived and filed in. Young and old; seeking information about the topics TWLOHA addresses and wanting to fill a need. Some were weary with tired eyes from long rainy drives, and others wide-awake, smiling, with thankful handshakes. I saw a beautiful lady approaching in a bright blue sweater that matched her hopeful eyes, her right hand met mine and she spoke, “Hi, I’m Jenny.” When I learned that we both come from sunny Southern California I felt comforted in meeting a kindred spirit on the right coast. When I asked her what it was that had brought her to this Cocoa Beach hotel, thousands of miles from home, I had no idea that her answer would shake the Southern ground we stood on.

“My daughter committed suicide. Five months ago. I couldn’t wait for MOVE to come to California; I had to be here now.”

We instantly embraced in a hug as I told her I was sorry and I was thankful she was here. In that moment, when words seemed so insignificant, I felt the overwhelming beauty in her hope. It was the kind of hope formed out of a painful place, and the kind that’s made even more powerful when we get to share it with others. Through my ensuing conversations with Jenny over the next two days, I got a glimpse into the beautiful life of her daughter, Grayson. I felt the weight of her hard and promising words, and I was thankful for the hospitality she had extended to me by trusting me with her story. Jenny came to MOVE to take information back to her community, and yet something beautiful inside, despite her brokenness, brought strength to Florida that this little Californian will never forget.

Thank you to everyone who played a part in MOVE this weekend, for both your willingness to learn and for the words you shared. Thank you for being a part of something bigger that we like to think is only made possible because of people like you. Sometimes our greatest fear and greatest joy is being known and knowing others. I hope we are all able to carry that fear and joy with us into our own communities as we continue to write our stories.

Comments (15) | Posted in General by Kaitlyn Suveg

Hey guys,

The Spring 2010 UChapter Tour is kicking off tonight at 7pm at Coffee Culture in Gainesville, FL and we’re really excited to be heading out. We’ll be stopping at 29 TWLOHA chapter university and college campuses beginning with the University of Florida tonight, picking back up at University of Texas-Austin March 22nd right after South by Southwest, and closing out on April 28th at the University of South Florida. This tour will cover areas in the South, Southwest, Midwest, Northeast and Southeast. Click here for dates and info.

As this is our very first tour for the UChapter Program—which launched in the fall of 2009—our hope is to leave each night having connected students and their local community to their representative UChapter. Each of these chapters exists to support students by bringing TWLOHA's mission and vision to campus, and this tour is just one expression of that goal.

We’re bringing you music and conversation; each night a discussion will be led by a TWLOHA representative alongside musicians Damion Suomi, Andy Zipf, and Lauris Vidal. With our choice to use intimate venues (mostly coffee shops and houses) we are attempting to create a safe place to speak honestly about the topics of pain, hope and community. Our goal is for this to be an evening of openness and vulnerability, leaving people encouraged, inspired and ultimately hopeful, realizing they are not alone in their pain and that their story matters.

During the tour we are also very excited to introduce several new chapters that have officially launched this spring term: University of South Florida, University of South Carolina, Marist College, Mississippi University for Women, St. Edwards University, James Madison University and our first Canada-based chapter, University of Windsor!

Stay posted. We’re going to have more blogs coming your way, plus a new tour video to give you an idea of what to expect when we meet you guys on campus…

with hope,
Denny
UChapter Director

Comments (5) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

I grew up in a small, rural and coastal town in Massachusetts. My family lived close enough to the city to take a trip whenever we wanted too, yet our surroundings would make us feel and think otherwise. Our closest neighbors were the beach and the gang of farm animals that we could hear next door every morning as they all woke up for each new day. I liked to adventure and learn, but as long as it was close to home. I wanted to keep learning as much as I could about my surroundings, as long as I didn’t have to let go of my mom’s hand. It is safe to say that living in such a small town and never leaving home had created a kid who had become very ethnocentric. I knew plenty about where I grew up, but I couldn’t imagine that a world outside of mine even existed.

This attitude continued until my senior year of college where I made the commute to a local state school only thirty minutes away. It wasn’t until my last semester of college that all of this changed. I decided to take a chance and applied for an internship with a cause that I felt passionate about, TWLOHA. If I am being completely honest, I will tell you that there is no way I ever saw myself getting accepted as an intern, let alone moving to Florida to participate. Within the month, I had put my final semester of college on hold and was driving down to Florida with most of my belongings to join 5 other new interns who were taking on the same new adventure. I made the choice to move despite what some people around me thought. I moved because I was ready to learn more, ready to learn and work for something I felt passionate about.

My internship ended in August when I came home in preparation for my last semester of college. Over the course of my internship, I had the privilege of standing behind the TWLOHA booth: meeting, talking and learning from so many people on Warped Tour every day. Through everyone we met on the road and my fellow interns, I learned so much about people all over: listening to their stories, their adventures, passions and desires. It made taking a chance, stepping out of my comfort zone and moving so far away from home well worthwhile. In December, I finished up school and got the invitation to go to Australia with TWLOHA for Soundwave. It was only a year ago that I decided to take a chance a step out of my comfort zone and venture away from home, now I was headed to another country for the first time!

Chris and I just returned from the adventure of a lifetime in Australia, on Soundwave Festival. Chris had gone to Australia last year with TWLOHA, but this was my first journey to the land down under. Soundwave Travels across the large continent in 2 weeks, with five stops in five major cities: Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, and Perth. After landing in Brisbane, I found myself teeming with excitement. I had a hard time sleeping most of our trip; some say it was jetlag, but I disagree. I was so excited to meet so many people from all over and to see a new and beautiful country that I couldn’t find any time to sleep. Excitement and fresh faces at the booth were my fuel for each and every day where sleep was lacking.

Each and every city of our trip had so many new people to learn from and great things to experience. In Sydney, Chris and I got to lay under the stars at the foot of The Opera House and Harbor Bridge with friends. We walked around Melbourne and saw a city with amazing architecture and beautiful culture. In Perth, we took the tourist drive up the coast that ended with a dip in the ocean and a breathtaking sunset over Trigg Beach. We even got to plan some tourist activities that involved koalas, kangaroos, vegemite and a cool looking currency.

By far, the highlight of my trip and adventure in Australia was meeting so many new people and making new friends every day. Everyone at the booth, on the road, and at the airport, I owe my experience to you. Thank you for bringing us to Australia this year. This is for everyone that stopped by the booth to say hello, to everyone that showed curiosity or support for TWLOHA’s message, and for those who came simply to talk. Thank you to all of my friendly flight neighbors who wanted to share conversation, stories and friendship. Thanks for showing me a hospitable and beautiful culture and country. Thank you for my adventure, being my teacher and allowing me to learn. It has been a powerful trip, and I owe it all to you. Thank you for making me feel at home, even though home was half the world away.

Thank you again to everyone in Australia, from Warped and on the road that I have met that have made me feel like I am at home, even when home is so far away. I cant wait to see you all again.

See you so soon,
Jason

Comments (10) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

In honor of National Eating Disorders Awareness week, we wanted to share a beautiful story written by a former TWLOHA intern, Stephanie Koszalka. Please read it and enjoy remembering that your life and your story are powerful. No self-determined imperfection can change that.

---

Dear Body,

I’ve always let some imperfection or another stand in the way of me seeing what you truly are, that you are beautiful. You are a divine creation housing the most valuable thing known to the universe, my soul. I’m beginning to realize that a person’s soul has the capacity to radiate light that transcends all the characteristics that I have been conditioned to believe are flaws.

You naturally tell a story. Your blue-green veins are like a map to where your heart has been and where it is going. The curve of your waist and the shape of your cheekbones tell a tale of heritage and ethnicity. There are crayon markings on the wall somewhere that has measured your height throughout the years. Always returning to the same spot to see how you’ve changed.

Your eyes bare resemblance to nature. They are a deep forest green with golden yellow sunflower flecks. Your faded birthmark, once beet red, brought me shame because all I wanted was to conform. It now reminds me of how unique you are and all I want is to be different.

Your body begins as a story but continues with new chapters throughout your life. Some are chapters of sadness and pain, others of joy, and all of growth. Each chapter a blank canvas meant to be painted by our experiences. Photos are memories but so are our bodies in a way that’s more real, no posing and no fakeness.

I’m realizing these things now, but I’m so sorry that I didn’t realize them before. I’ve done everything I could to destroy the canvas and deface and burn the pages of different chapters.

I’ve waged war on you before; used razor blades to feel and drugs to numb. I’ve used caffeine to stay awake and alcohol to sleep. Abusing the side effects of my prescription drugs like loss of appetite, to deliberately starve myself into making you skinnier.  I’ve spent far too much time on a scale that merely weighs your effect on gravity, not the depth of your beauty. I wanted you to look like one of those girls in the magazines.

But in the ruins there is still a canvas. There is still beauty in your brokenness. The faded scars show healing reminding me that even though I’ve been in dark places, I’ve survived and learned and become stronger.

Although the war is over, the world still takes its toll. You have calluses on your hands from me writing too much and concentrating too hard. Yet the words are beautiful and the studying is worth it. You have the ache when it rains from broken bones, and stretch marks from growing too fast. You have burns from jobs and scars from falls. But those experiences were worth it.  

Dear body, as I grow older I worry about how you will age. Together we gain wisdom and wrinkles, after being young and beautiful and naïve. The wisdom tells us that the beauty doesn’t subside, it only changes, and more of it comes from within.  So I won’t worry when my hair doesn’t look just right, or when I do something stupidly funny and emerge with another scar because you are telling a story. And what would I be without my story and my past?                     

Comments (114) | Posted in General by Kaitlyn Suveg

Hello from Australia!

Jason and I landed in Brisbane last week to get ready for our trip around Australia on Soundwave. This is my second year doing the festivals for TWLOHA and Jason's first, which was great for two reasons. One, I have been here before and was excited to share some of the things I remember with him. And two, I knew what was going through his head. The anticipation of coming to a new continent not knowing what to expect except the beauty that we've been fed through television and movies over the years.

The trip over was as smooth as it could have been. There were no delays or bags lost and we had great company in a sweet lady named Sonia beside us. As I thought back to last year, I remembered feeling humbled and honored to experience some of these cities just once in my lifetime. Living in America, in a time zone 14 hours away, you carry this mysterious wonder about what this giant island could be like, and to have some of those thoughts and questions answered is such an amazing feeling. I flew home last year processing every bit of the trip, conversations and random unexpected things that happened (like dipping my toes in the Indian Ocean). Returning this year, walking through and driving around the cities, I realized how much more there was to experience of this country. There is so much more than just it's beauty, which is overwhelming in itself.

Being in Brisbane and Sydney for the first two dates of Soundwave reminded us of this. We've had great interactions with everyone here, spreading the ideas of hope and help and community that a lot of you are familiar with hearing us talk about. Even seeing the faces of people we met last year and having conversations with them, noticing a difference in their step and in their tone of voice, hearing how much their lives have changed in just one year, was such a warm welcome for us. Words and stories like these bring the feeling that our presence last year was not just for selling t-shirts, but for a bigger picture. The ideas that we try to communicate every day in the work we do.

Thank you for bringing us back. Really, thank you. You guys are the ones who used your voices over the past four years to say that these issues matter. That these struggles are real. That people aren't discussing them enough. We were invited here because the people putting together Soundwave believe in our message and what we're trying to do, and see the impact it has on this community that we're all a part of. You have allowed our message to reach so many around the world, and being here reminds me of that. Melbourne, Adelaide, and Perth - we can't wait to see you again.

All the best,
Chris

Comments (9) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Hey guys.

I want to extend an official invitation for you to join us this March 12 – 13, 2010 in Cocoa Beach, Florida for a MOVE Community Conference.

Odds are that if you read these blogs regularly, you probably have an idea about these conferences. If you’re new MOVE, you can find more information here:

www.twloha.com/move/move-conference

It’s my hope that you would share about this conference with someone who cares about saving lives and walking alongside those in places of pain, but who hasn’t read our blog. Call them up, email them or simply sit them down next to you. Share our desires to see community leaders, counselors, teachers, mentors, pastors and parents become more equipped in discussing issues of community, brokenness and pain, addiction, depression and anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders and suicide where they live. Share why you care too.

This month has been a heavy one for many of us on staff. That’s an awkward statement to make without any follow-up, but I tell you that to remind you that we understand the difficulty that surrounds engaging others in conversations about these topics... We too are invested in the lives of our family members, our friends (who feel like family) and our community. We hurt when others settle into a dark place, and we feel lighter when people move forward in finding help just like you do.

What encourages me the most and makes me feel most privileged in my job right now is that the topics we address as an organization, and the bigger picture, this “movement” we speak so highly of, is something universal.

We have a big year ahead of us. I hope that I can meet you at a MOVE conference and hear why you’re passionate about continuing to speak about these issues in your community. Why do you want to MOVE?

Love.
Kaitlyn
Director of MOVE Community Conferences

Comments (9) | Posted in General by Kaitlyn Suveg

For only 10 days we're auctioning off a limited-edition HEAVY AND LIGHT collection filled with momentos and merchandise from the night.

All bundles contain the following items:

- 1 HEAVY AND LIGHT info card
- 1 HEAVY AND LIGHT program
- 1 HEAVY AND LIGHT shirt
- 1 8x10 HEAVY AND LIGHT flyer
- 1 18x24 HEAVY AND LIGHT screen printed poster autographed by the artists.

These eight unique bundles are only available through eBay's Giving Works. To place your bid, create an account on eBay and go to the Official To Write Love on Her Arms profile. Select an auction, and start bidding!  Auctions will run from February 15th to February 25th.

Comments (1) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

You're alive and you matter and this pink holiday doesn't get to name you.

Comments (9) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

We would like you to join us for the third annual Valentine's Day Live Chat. You'll need to go to AbsolutePunk.net this Sunday night (2/14) at 8pm EST. If you want to participate in the chat, you'll need to create an account. It's easy and it's free.

Comments (33) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Our Street Team members have been invited to write letters of encouragement for people currently involved in residential treatment programs. We plan on sending these letters to people seeking help, to remind them that their fight is worth the effort. It has been our experience that sometimes people in these programs are unable to access the Internet, have visitors or receive mail on a regular basis. These notes are meant to meet people where they’re at in their recovery, and provide hope for them along the way.

Below is a letter we recently received from a member of our Street Team for this purpose. We think it’s wonderful, and wanted to share it with you guys too. If you would like to help write letters of encouragement, head over to our Street Team page on Fancorps to sign up today.

----

My mom was always the strong one. The one who always knew what to do and what to say. A child needs someone to look up to, and naturally most kids look up to their mother or father. Whether they have a good or bad influence on them, it's just something children do. I consider myself a grownup now, but in the midst of all the searching and wondering and mystery that life offers, I'm still a child. A child seeking approval, and acknowledgment, and love.

I started writing songs when I was 14. Most of it was crap but it's just those steps you have to take to get where you want to be. I don't know what drove me to actually keep writing during the first two years because nobody heard them except for two of my siblings (and they are both younger so of course they thought that everything I did was cool). When I was 16 I thought that I wrote a half-decent song and I decided to play it in front of my mom. I remember it very well. I asked her if she wanted to hear something, I wrote, and I sat down in the hallway while she was doing her hair in front of the mirror while she got ready for work. I started playing on my guitar and singing. I will never forget the way she looked at me, the way she listened. In that moment I knew that she saw something in me. I didn't know what it was but I felt that it was something significant. She believed in me.

As we wander through this life, in whatever we do, we are always looking for approval. In school or at our jobs we need to know that what we do is good. That it matters. That we matter. The greatest fear as human beings is to be unloved.

I don't think that my mom didn't believe in me before she heard my song. I bet she did. I know she always loved me and always will. Maybe the reason why this moment was so significant to me was because she let me know that she believed in me. She encouraged me to sing my song in front of other people. When I said that I don't think it was good enough, when I didn't believe in myself, she did.

Sometimes we keep searching. We long for someone who believes in us other than our parents. We’ve all heard that “sometimes you can't make it on your own,” and most of the time we're just not brave enough to ask for help. We are ashamed because we're in need of something other than what we have on our own.

I'm a little older now and I realized that my mother is also just a person in need. I wanted to be a giver more than a taker. But there's a time for both. There are times we're the ones who are asked to give and other times we take. We may be surprised in how easy it is to give to others, even when we feel like we're the ones in need.

What if all someone needed from us was to share pieces of ourselves? To share our pain, our fears, our dreams, our stories. If we believe that other people matter and we tell them that they do, then we have to also believe that there are moments we will have to accept it when we feel like we can’t.

We may just find ourselves respond by saying, “If you believe I can, then I think I can.”

Esther
23-year-old from Germany
member of the TWLOHA Street Team

Comments (39) | Posted in General by Kaitlyn Suveg

This past October we had the pleasure of joining the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s Cocoa Beach chapter for an Out of the Darkness walk in our area. This past Saturday, we were able to join them a second time, and our entire team went out. We’ve truly enjoyed growing closer with the AFSP this year. We value them as an organization, and believe strongly in their vision.

Below you’ll find the voice of Erin, one of our spring interns. We’ve invited her to share her perspective from the walk in Orlando. Enjoy her words, as we hope they find you well tonight.

Comments (14) | Posted in General by Kaitlyn Suveg

Hi guys,

January was an exciting month for our team and our partners at the Kristin Brooks Hope Center as we continued working to launch IMAlive. Once launched, IMAlive will be a live online crisis network with 100% of its staff and volunteers trained and certified in crisis intervention, making it the first of its kind. With your help and your votes, we were able to raise $100,000 for IMAlive through the Chase Community Giving contest.

We wanted to update you about where we are now with the project.

Currently, we are in the beta testing phase for the online training and certification program developed in partnership between the Kristin Brooks Hope Center and the QPR Institute, both leaders in suicide prevention. The program is completed entirely through the Internet and is tailored to train volunteers to work online in crisis intervention. We have invited 120 volunteers to also complete the training in the next phase.

Over the past few days, our staff and interns have completed over 2/3 of the program, and are currently completing the two outside readings Suicide: The Forever Decision and Counseling Suicidal People: A Therapy of Hope by Dr. Paul Quinnett.  We are learning how to provide emotional support for people in crisis and to evaluate suicide risk. To be honest, many of us entered the training excited to learn more but were a bit nervous about our ability to help people in crisis because we are not, nor claim to be, trained mental health professionals. But as we continue to walk through the training, we are becoming more empowered and feel confident in our ability to help people survive perhaps the darkest hour of their lives. The training has also taught us that even after we learn techniques and methods, the most important thing we can offer the people we will respond to is our heart and the message that their story and their life matters.

Dr. Paul Quinnett reminds us of this as he teaches: “Your willingness to listen and to be empathetic sends a message of hope, and the restoration of hope is one of the key elements in reducing immediate suicide risk."

If you want more information about IMAlive, check out our site and please consider becoming a volunteer responder.

With Hope,
Lindsay
Intern Program Director & IMAlive Project Manager

Comments (16) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

Hey Guys, 

Last week was one we'll never forget. Thanks to your support, TWLOHA finished 3rd in Chase Community Giving and we are $100,000 closer to launching IMAlive, an online crisis network that will bring hope and help to thousands of people.

Over the last few years, we've been able to talk about issues that millions live with but few talk about - we've also learned that the first step to getting help is the one that most people never take. Thanks to Chase Bank and Facebook, more people are talking today and we're $100k closer to launching a network that will save lives. 

Comments (41) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Click here to vote for TWLOHA to win $1 million for suicide prevention.

Comments (128) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Hey Guys,

Welcome to the biggest moment in the history of TWLOHA.

For the last couple years, we've been talking and dreaming about a better way to bring hope and help to the people we hear from online. Since 2006, we've responded to more than 150,000 emails and messages from people asking for help. We've learned that the first step toward getting help is the one that most people never take. This is why, along with Kristin Brooks Hope Center (founders of 1-800-SUICIDE), we're launching IMAlive, the first live online crisis network with 100% of its staff certified & trained in crisis intervention.  Since 1998, 1-800-SUICIDE has responded to more than 3 million crisis calls, which is why we feel they are the perfect partner for this.

Chase Bank is giving away $5 million to charity and you get to decide where it goes. The organization that receives the most votes will win $1 million. With 75 hours to go, TWLOHA is in the lead. Every penny of the $1M will go toward the launch of IMAlive, which we believe will translate to hope and help for thousands of people online.

We need your help. Here's how...

1. VOTE. If you haven't already voted, please vote: http://bit.ly/7si7Be

2. Change your profile pic to match ours and then tag 50 friends. This way, the image will show up on their page. Include the voting link in the caption so that people know exactly what to do. Here's a suggested caption: "Please vote for TWLOHA to win $1 million for suicide prevention: http://bit.ly/7si7Be

3. If you have a twitter or myspace, please do the same there. Post blogs, tweets and bulletins and send emails. (That's what I've been doing all day)

4. Some of you like to write the word "love" on your arms. It sparks conversations and reminds you what's good and true. We hope you might consider writing the words "vote love" on your arm tomorrow, Thursday and Friday. Voting ends this Friday (1/22) 11:59PM EST. With your help, we might have something pretty incredible to celebrate.

5. Did we mention VOTE? http://bit.ly/7si7Be

We believe this is truly a chance to make history. It's not about winning. It's not about money. It's about bringing hope and help to thousands of people.

Peace to you. And as always, thank you for your support.

jamie and Team TWLOHA

PS: We also want to mention and remember the people of Haiti. Our hearts are heavy and our thoughts and prayers are for and with them. Please do what you can to help.

Comments (18) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Hey guys,

As you know we are very excited about our opportunity to win $1 million in the Chase Community Giving contest to aid the start-up of IMAlive, the first ever live online crisis network. We’ve invited our partner at Kristin Brooks Hope Center (1-800-SUICIDE) to share a bit of the ideas behind IMAlive and why we see this as such a valuable new program.

Thanks for caring. Don’t forget that you have until January 22nd to vote, so log onto Facebook and help us today!

With Hope,
Team TWLOHA

Read more

Comments (20) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Hey Guys,

The PostSecret project is one that means a lot to a lot of people, and it's a project that we believe in. Beyond sharing creative and compelling content, PostSecret founder Frank Warren has also been a huge supporter of Kristin Brooks Hope Center, the founders of 1-800-SUICIDE and TWLOHA's partner in the launch of IMAlive. We are grateful for the support of Frank and the PostSecret community.

Essentially, PostSecret is a platform - for people to share their secrets and for many more to realize that they are not alone. The PostSecret blog is something we at TWLOHA love to follow, because we've learned that many people live alone with their secrets, and that these things too often become sources of pain and shame. In addition to the PostSecret blog and PostSecret books, you can also experience PostSecret in person, at events across the U.S. over the next few weeks and months.

Peace to you.
jamie

APAP, New York, NY (SOLD OUT) - 01-10-10
Facebook Event Page.

Seattle University, Seattle, WA - 01-14-10
Facebook Event Page.

Dalhousie University, Halifax, NS - 01-20-10
Facebook Event Page.

Eastern Kentucky University, Richmond, KY - 01-21-10
Facebook Event Page.

The Ohio State University, Columbus, OH - 01-27-10
Facebook Event Page.

McKendree University, Lebanon, IL - 02-02-10
Facebook Event Page.

Knox College, Galesburg, IL - 02-03-10
Facebook Event Page.

Canisius College, Buffalo, NY - 02-04-10
contact school for details

Auburn University, Auburn, AL - 02-08-10
Facebook Event Page.

University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA - 02-10-10
Facebook Event Page.

Pinkerton Academy, Derry, NH - 02-12-10
Facebook Event Page.

Bucknell University, Lewisburg, PA - 02-16-10
Facebook Event Page.

Slippery Rock Universiy, Slippery Rock, PA - 02-18-10
Facebook Event Page.

University of South Florida – Tampa, Tampa, FL - 02-23-10
Facebook Event Page.

University of New Hampshire - Durham, Durham, NH - 02-24-10
Facebook Event Page.

Millikin University, Decatur, IL - 02-26-10
Facebook Event Page.

East Tennessee State University, Johnson City, TN - 03-04-10
Facebook Event Page.

Maryville University, St. Louis, MO - 03-22-10
Facebook Event Page.

Illinois State University, Normal, IL - 04-07-10
Facebook Event Page.

University of North Texas, Denton, TX - 04-08-10
Facebook Event Page.

University of Utah, Salt Lake City, UT - 04-14-10
Facebook Event Page.

Central Washington University, Ellensburg, WA - 04-16-10
Facebook Event Page.

Pittsburg State University, Pittsburg, KS - 04-22-10
Facebook Event Page.

SUNY Oswego, Oswego, NY - 04-29-10
Facebook Event Page.

Comments (11) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

Meet Anis Mojgani. The two-time National Slam Poetry Champion stole the show at HEAVY AND LIGHT, reminding everyone the power of words and the value in their stories.  Here, he performs "Shake the Dust." Enjoy.

Comments (17) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Two nights ago, an earthquake rocked Port-au-Prince, the capitol of Haiti. It's meant confusion for many of us watching from the U.S. and around the world, trying to follow any source of information from breaking news sources to social networking sites. In searching for an estimate of the casualties from this disaster, I stumbled across a number that made my stomach churn:

100,000.

CNN.com reports that an estimated 100,000 lives are assumed to have been lost in the earthquake thus far, and that’s not accounting for the lack of food, clean water and proper medical care that may not be available to people at this time.

Our friends at Invisible Children have provided a link to an excellent resource called TakePart for anyone looking to donate. More than a dozen organizations are listed, with appropriate links to each source. Take the time to look over the help available, and please consider donating.

Thank you for caring for the lives of others through your thoughts and prayers, and/or financial contribution. 

We’re glad that you’re alive today. 

Love.
Kaitlyn and Team TWLOHA

Links:

TakePart

Invisible Children

Comments (5) | Posted in General by Kaitlyn Suveg

Once again, HEAVY AND LIGHT was something special. People came from across the U.S. and as far away as Canada for this evening of songs, conversation and hope at House of Blues Orlando. The night began with spoken word poet Anis Mojgani (he basically stole the show) and it ended with all of the musicians coming back to the stage to do two songs together. Here's the first of those - meant to make you smile. Feel free to sing along...

Comments (6) | Posted in Music by jamie tworkowski

Hey Guys,

Thanks to everyone who voted for TWLOHA in Round 1 of Chase Community Giving. Thanks to your support, we won a $25,000 grant from Chase and we now have a chance to win $1 million for suicide prevention in Round 2. The top 100 "Big Ideas" have been announced and ours involves the launch of IMAlive, a live online crisis network. We're partnering with KBHC to get this service launched and we need your help. Voting opens this Friday, January 15th and closes on the 22nd (next Friday). You can learn more about the need, the plan and why we believe that IMAlive will help thousands of people by clicking here. There's also a video in which James Earl Jones lends his familiar powerful voice... 

Thanks for your amazing support.

Peace to you.
jamie

Comments (6) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

A look behind the scenes at HEAVY AND LIGHT 2009. From sound check to food talk to the boys working on the encore... We hope to see you Saturday night when we do it all again.



You can buy tickets to Heavy and Light 2010, January 9th at the House of Blues Orlando through TicketMaster.com here.

Comments (2) | Posted in Music by Chris Youngblood

In case you missed it, HEAVY AND LIGHT '09 was something special. Here's a taste - 2 minutes and 33 seconds of Awesome. We hope to see you this Saturday at HOB Orlando when we do it all again.



You can buy tickets to Heavy and Light 2010, January 9th at the House of Blues Orlando through TicketMaster.com here.

Comments (5) | Posted in Music by Chris Youngblood

Comments (20) | Posted in General, Journal, Merch, Music by jamie tworkowski

Hey Guys.

My heart is light tonight. And it feels almost strange to type that. Because i remember so much wrestling and the weight of so many different Decembers. i don't know if it's the holidays or the year's coming to a close but this time of year has a way of reminding us what's missing, reminding us what hurts... i feel like i've been there a lot in recent years.

If you can relate to any of that tonight - to things missing or things changed or lost or broken - we just want to take a moment to say that it matters. Your story and your pain, your hopes and fears and dreams. It matters. You matter. Tonight and tomorrow and ten years from now. We're sorry for your hurts, for empty seats and elephants in rooms and dreams that feel impossible.

John Mayer said it well in a tweet earlier tonight: "Sending a heartfelt Merry Christmas to those who feel loneliness this time of year. You're not alone. Hang in there."

We'll add to that: Keep going. Keep fighting. Talk to someone. Get the help you need. Your life is worth fighting for. Your dreams, your story, the things that make you come alive - those things deserve to shine. You deserve a friend. You deserve to be loved, to be known. Whatever you're carrying - whatever aches or haunts or steals - you were never meant to carry it alone. Bono sings "We get to carry each other." He suggests that it's a privilege, that it's the best way to live. You were meant to walk with other people, to invite other characters to play parts in your story.

Wherever you're at tonight, however heavy or light the night is, whatever scene it finds you living - please know that you matter very much. Please know that you are something priceless, something beautiful and entirely unique. There is hope for you. There is hope for all of us. 2010 has never happened before and the same is true about tomorrow.

A prayer for you, or perhaps a wish if you prefer it said that way: We hope these things feel true. We hope you know you matter. We hope you find your smile. You deserve it -you absolutely do.

Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays / Happy 2010.

Peace to you tonight.

jamie

Comments (58) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

HEAVY AND LIGHT '09 began with white text against black and a simple song. This is that video, along with moments from the night and the sound of the crowd. We hope to see you when it happens again, Saturday Jan. 9, 2010 at House of Blues Orlando.

Comments (7) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Comments (14) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

We're excited to give you yet another reason to come to FL next month:

Comments (8) | Posted in General, Music by jamie tworkowski

Hey Guys,

Shortly after we annouced the NYC Photo Shoot (for Rolling Stone) a few weeks back, we got an email from a guy named John Canfield. John is a Film student at NYU and was writing to ask if he could film the event for a project for one of his classes.

Well, after several hours of filming and roughly 150 hours of editing, we're excited for you to see John's film. His professor and classmates loved it and we hope you will too. John shot most of the NYC footage and Dustin Miller was generous in providing additional footage (Fall '08 tour, Heavy and Light '09, etc.) In the end, it's a great summary of TWLOHA as well as another look at a special day in Washington Square Park - strangers coming together for something that was very much "more than a photo shoot". John's film captures the heart of the matter and we're grateful that he would share his time and talent with us.

John would like to dedicate this film to his friend Marc Alden Strizzi (6/20/90 - 12/13/07)

Peace to you.
jamie

Part 1:


Part 2:

Comments (21) | Posted in General by jamie tworkowski

This past weekend, five members from the TWLOHA team flew up to chilly Toronto, Canada where we held our first ever international MOVE Community Conference! This was a really special event for us because it’s the start of something that is going to happen a lot this coming year: helping attendees feel more equipped to engage difficult topics and care for the members of their communities. It is always a privilege for our team to see people become more comfortable having conversations about the issues we deal with, and leaving an event encouraged and equipped to start the same discussions back home. 

We shared stories, made some great new friends, learned from our Licensed Mental Health Counselor friends, Aaron and Michelle Moore, and drank a LOT of Tim Horton’s coffee. (For our American friends out there, think Dunkin Donuts, only in honor of a famous hockey player.)

Wish you could have made it to Toronto? It’s not too late to sign up for MOVE Orlando, January 8-9, 2009. It’ll be a tad warmer, and you’ll get a free ticket to Heavy and Light happening the evening of the 9th.

Comments (6) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Hey Guys,

We are excited to announce SocialVibe's Givapalooza and your chance to help us win $20K for IMAlive, the first live peer-to-peer suicide prevention service (for more info, click here). Givapalooza is a month-long competition for 10 charities on SocialVibe.com to compete and reach their goal before another one does. If the goal is reached by December 31st, SocialVibe will double the donation amount. On top of that, SocialVibe will be donating to the teams who reach their goals first. This is a chance to win $20,000 through SocialVibe this month and we've asked for a little help. Our friends in Boys Like Girls are on board to help us win. This is where you come in.

Our goal is reached by completed activities on our SocialVibe.com page. The more activities you complete, the more points you get, the quicker we make it to our goal! You can do anything from telling HTC what makes you unique, to writing a letter of encouragement to the women of Dress for Success. We promise it's that easy : )

Go to socialvibe.com/towriteloveonherarms now to start completing activities and help us win $20K for IMAlive!

Thanks for being part of this,
Chris

PS: Facebook users, if you want to help a little more, you can vote for us in Chase Community Giving for $25,000! Become a fan of Chase Community Giving and vote for us here.

PS2: We're also up for Mashable.com's Open Web Awards for the "Best Non-Profit Use of Social Media" and it only takes one click to vote : )

Comments (11) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

If you find yourself on page 63 of the new Rolling Stone Magazine (Taylor Lautner of Twilight is on the cover), you will find the first of five pages dedicated to TWLOHA. It's an honor and exciting to say the least. That said, i must confess that i found the title a little awkward. (i am a surfer, i'm not a savior.) The story is not perfect but hopefully it's good.

When they said they wanted to photograph me in New York City, i asked if it might be okay to invite some friends. TWLOHA supporters came to Washington Square Park in NYC from as far away as Toronto, Virginia and Delaware. My hope was a photo that expressed the community and "we" spirit of TWLOHA. They went with something different but the video below captures the true spirit of the day - stories colliding and hope shared, people coming together... Thank you once again to our talented friend Dustin Miller for making this video and thank you to Rolling Stone for liking it enough to post it on their website.

Peace to you tonight.

jamie

PS: We've been working hard this week, adding to twloha.com.  We've added FINANCES and STAFF sections, and updated NEWS and MOVE.

PS2: We would love to know your thoughts.

Comments (28) | Posted in General, Journal by jamie tworkowski

I guess some would say that I have been through a tragedy.  I say that I've been through a life-changing experience and that it has made me a better person.  I don’t like that T word - it's pretty harsh.  When Zeke died, I thought my life had ended.  In some ways it had.  I went through a whirlwind of emotions, some that I can’t even remember.  I had so many questions;  What did I do wrong?  What was he thinking?  why did he leave me?  Someone once told me that people that complete suicide are selfish - I’m not sure I agree.  Once someone is gone, it is easy to contemplate what they were thinking, and only think about the mess they left you with, and the struggles ahead.  But isn’t that selfish?  I mean this person just took their own life - I can’t imagine how they came to that conclusion, but I can only believe and hope it was not an easy one.  I quickly learned that I was the selfish one......I was so obsessed with why he chose to do this to me, but soon realized that he did this to himself; it was not about me.  That is hard to accept.  

When I talked to friends or family, they always told me “I know how you feel.”  Those words used to make me so angry. How did they know? They weren’t in my head, they didn’t find him in this horrible state, they didn’t lose the love of their life. They were able to go home at night. I had to go anywhere but home.  I began to get so bummed about that answer to my thoughts, I realized I needed help understanding the emotions I was going through.  I started seeing a therapist that helped me learn that everything I was experiencing was “normal.”  She told me that only I would know how to push through the sadness and learn how to grow.  Sometimes when I went to see her we never even talked about Zeke.  We would talk about the most random things - shopping, wine, going to the gym, work and sometimes the news.  At one of our meetings she said “I’m not going to let you avoid the subject, we need to talk about him.”  It was the first time that I broke down crying in front of anyone.  I’m not one that usually feels comfortable crying.  I don’t like people to see me that way.  I was surprised by my reaction, but I felt so much better.  I guess that sometimes when you keep things bottled up, those feelings can come out even stronger than ever.  I’m glad that it happened with her; she helped me open up and finally speak about what was going on in my head.

It is coming up on the anniversary of Zeke’s death, and I’m not sure what I will do.  I used to hang with friends and take way too many shots of tequila.  Probably over the past month, I have realized that I am drinking way too much.  I think I drink to hide my pain; I still miss him.  Wow, that is the first time I have admitted that.  At first I used to sleep with one of his dirty tee shirts so that I could have his scent with me; it helped me a bunch.  Then the smell went away.  After that I would drink to sleep.  The only way I could fall asleep was if I just passed out drunk.  It really wasn’t until lately that I thought I had a purpose without him.  It has taken me awhile to realize that.  Zeke inspired me to be creative.  We used to bounce off of each other's artistic abilities.  It was so funny when we would be getting ready to go out for an evening and we would be “that couple,” the ones that were dressed alike.  I used to tell him he had to back and change.  I used to paint, write, build, and design.  After his death, I had a hard time even picking up a paint brush, I didn’t know how to hold it in my hand.  Now I am slowly learning to keep his spirit in my heart, and create again.  I started writing down plans, sketching furniture, and painting pictures.  I used to be so on-the-go and not have time for anything, but now I am slowing down and doing things that are more fulfilling in my life.  So, I think that this January 5th, I am going to finish my projects I have started.  I am building a window seat box out of what used to be our bed, Zeke had built us a platform bed.  I will have it filled with his stuff and have a special place for me to sit and think about him, and be inspired.  I think I finally have been able to re-focus my energy into how to be happy, how to be me, without him.  I probably will stick to one of my rituals, visiting him at 1st street; bringing him a sunflower, and telling him I love him.   Then I will go back home and pick up my paint brush......I think I know how again.

- Nicole Orsargos

Comments (65) | Posted in General, Journal by jamie tworkowski

i was in Virginia Thursday to speak at Old Dominion University in Norfolk. i got in early and had the chance to spend a few hours with my friend Nicole. Well, she feels like a friend now but the truth is i'd never met her before Thursday. Some of you have heard me talk or write about my friend Zeke, who died by suicide in January 2006. Zeke and i worked together at Hurley. Well, Zeke lived in Virginia Beach and Nicole was his girlfriend of more than three years when he died. She was the one who found him.

i'd traded emails with Nicole in recent weeks but never met her in person. We met for lunch on Thursday. i told her i wanted to eat where the locals eat and so she suggested a place by the Inlet. i pulled up a few minutes before her and the first thing i noticed was the word "Zeke" spray-painted on a wall near the restaurant's entrance. Zeke died over three and a half years ago and yet it was clear in that first moment that he has not been forgotten. 

As we ate, i asked Nicole a lot of questions about Zeke. He was good at everything. We smiled at the stories. She spoke of his quiet pain, unknown to most. i asked about the days since he died, how has she recovered, how has she survived... She spoke with strength and grace.  She said she's different now, doesn't buy "busy" as a way of life, says she's learned to slow down, to pause for the things that matter, for people and moments and conversations. She talked about her incredible friends and about going to counseling.

After lunch, i asked if she might show me around town - show me the places that were Zeke's, help me know his story. She said she would be happy to. We stood on the boardwalk at First Street, watching the cold waves break - Zeke was a great surfer and this was his. She pointed to the plaque on the end of the jetty, placed in the silence of the night, Zeke's friends saying his memory would stay with them always. 

She explained Virginia Beach, the surf shops and the bars and the characters that make it. She showed me the house that they shared. "We built a home together," she told me. 

That night, Nicole joined me on stage at Old Dominion, and for the first time ever, she spoke her story into a microphone. It was incredibly brave. Afterwards, people lined up to meet her, to thank her, to share what they found in her words. 

As we stood in the parking lot at the end of the night, she told me she was blown away, by the confessions that she heard, so many young people sharing their stories. i thanked her, said her words had been a gift for all of us in the room, encouraged her to keep sharing them.  She said she would like that.

i wish i could bring him back, this man she loved, this friend to so many... But the weight of suicide is it's permanence. Each of us, we are thousands of moments and choices and days. Zeke walked away from all of it that night in January.

We are left with the questions, with the weight of all the memories. The only sense that i can make of it is that Nicole now has a story to tell, that her words will serve as a gift to other people, her scars suggesting that they are not alone in their wounds, not alone in their questions and their remembering...  

Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day. If you've lost someone that you love, then we stand with you today. We say it matters, their story and yours, and we join you to remember. Please know that you are not alone.

To learn more about National Survivors of Suicide Day, please CLICK HERE.

Peace to you today.

jamie

PS: i wrote this a couple days after Zeke died, in January 2006...

Zeke Sanders: You Were Loved.

Comments (37) | Posted in General, Journal by jamie tworkowski

Steven Smith of Fuse talks storytelling, branding, technology, touring and more with TWLOHA's Jamie Tworkowski, Charity:Water's Phillip Crosby and Invisible Children's Alex Collins during CMJ 2009 in NYC. Zach Williams brings the music.

Music for Good (CMJ Panel) from To Write Love on Her Arms. on Vimeo.

Comments (2) | Posted in General, Music by Chris Youngblood

Comments (21) | Posted in General, Journal, Music by jamie tworkowski

December 4th and 5th we will be bringing MOVE to Toronto, ON and we would like to invite you to be a part of it. Our MOVE community conferences are two day events where we look more in depth at some of the issues TWLOHA addresses. It is an effort to begin a conversation that battles stigma and shame with honesty and compassion. Led by professional counselors Aaron and Michelle Moore and some of the TWLOHA staff, attendees will gain a better understanding of what is behind these struggles, what drives them, what recovery looks like and how we can make a difference. Our hope is that you leave encouraged, inspired, and informed. MOVE conferences are done in a limited size, allowing for difficult topics to be presented and discussed in a personal setting which lends to more dynamic interaction between participants and staff. It has been this interaction and format that has made the MOVE conferences impacting for those who have attended. We would love for you to come and join us!

Click here for more info on registration.

MOVE Community Conference from To Write Love on Her Arms. on Vimeo.

Comments (9) | Posted in General by Chris Youngblood

Hey Guys.

Each week, Lindsay from our team sends an email to the entire TWLOHA team. When we open this email, it's a time to reflect on some of the messages and emails that have come in over the last few days. Some of the messages are heavy and hard to read. Others are full of hope and encouragement. Life is both and everything in between. 

Lindsay sends these messages to remind us of our mission, the heart of the matter. Each week, as we read the messages she includes, we're reminded where this started and we're reminded why we do what we do.

Today,  "TWLOHA Day", is one that our team didn't come up with. We don't know a lot about it, to be honest - not sure where it came from or how it spread to so many people. But perhaps that's been true for much of our story - we've seen the best of passion and communication. We've seen people share and build something beautiful together. 

With today in mind, i want to share one of the messages that Lindsay sent to us yesterday:

"My name is Taylor and I am 22 years old. I have been an addict for the past six years of my life and have been looking at getting into rehab for awhile now. I should be checking in sometime this week I am just waiting for my federal aid to come in. I wanted to thank you guys for doing what you do and being there. I haven't personally ever talked to anyone with your organization but my sister heard about it somehow. My sister is 18 years old and has never used a day in her life. Ever since I started using I haven't been there for her and we kind of live two completely seperate lives. We haven't gotten along. Today my sister picked me up from my house and said she had a surprise for me. We went and got love tattooed on our arms. She  has never had a tattoo so this was a big step for her. She started crying, I haven't seen real emotion from my sister in a long long time. She told me what you guys were about and expressed what she has felt about my use and the way I have made her feel. I made a promise to her to stay clean, something I have never said to anyone. Every time I look down at my arm it will remind me of what a commitment my sister has made to me and to helping me stay clean. I just wanted to thank you guys for helping her understand and helping her accept me and not frown upon me. Your organization has really made an impact on both of our lives and I really wanted to express my gratitude." 

Thank you so much for what you guys do everyday and what your organization will continue to do for so many people, you guys really do save lifes. 

Thank you so much. 

All the love and respect in the world."

If you decide to write the word "love" on your arm today, please remember the heart of the matter. The goals were never "cute" or "fashion". Our title, "to write love on her arms", was born as a goal and it remains a goal. We're inviting people to fight for their lives and for the lives of their friends. We're inviting people to believe better things. 

If you want to help us spread the word about hope and help, we would be honored. If you want to tell people that they need other people, that every story matters - again, we would be honored. We say these things because we believe them to be true, and because too many people live alone under other lies.  

Let's continue to fight to figure out what this word "love" means. Let's aim for how it looks and how it sounds - maybe something like humility and confidence and kindness, maybe honesty and compassion... 

We're in all these things together. It's bigger than cute and louder than fashion. 

Thanks always for your support.

You matter very much.

jamie and the entire TWLOHA team

PS: Switchfoot is performing on Jimmy Kimmel tonight.

PS2: If you're anywhere near NYC, then we would love to see you at 1:30pm tomorrow (Friday) at Washington Square Park in Manhattan, for a very special photo shoot. Feel free to email nyc@twloha.com if you have any questions.