HEAVY AND LIGHT 2009

Comments (20) | Posted in General, Journal, Merch, Music by jamie tworkowski

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If you find yourself on page 63 of the new Rolling Stone Magazine (Taylor Lautner of Twilight is on the cover), you will find the first of five pages dedicated to TWLOHA. It's an honor and exciting to say the least. That said, i must confess that i found the title a little awkward. (i am a surfer, i'm not a savior.) The story is not perfect but hopefully it's good.

When they said they wanted to photograph me in New York City, i asked if it might be okay to invite some friends. TWLOHA supporters came to Washington Square Park in NYC from as far away as Toronto, Virginia and Delaware. My hope was a photo that expressed the community and "we" spirit of TWLOHA. They went with something different but the video below captures the true spirit of the day - stories colliding and hope shared, people coming together... Thank you once again to our talented friend Dustin Miller for making this video and thank you to Rolling Stone for liking it enough to post it on their website.

Peace to you tonight.

jamie

PS: We've been working hard this week, adding to twloha.com.  We've added FINANCES and STAFF sections, and updated NEWS and MOVE.

PS2: We would love to know your thoughts.

Comments (27) | Posted in General, Journal by jamie tworkowski

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I guess some would say that I have been through a tragedy.  I say that I've been through a life-changing experience and that it has made me a better person.  I don’t like that T word - it's pretty harsh.  When Zeke died, I thought my life had ended.  In some ways it had.  I went through a whirlwind of emotions, some that I can’t even remember.  I had so many questions;  What did I do wrong?  What was he thinking?  why did he leave me?  Someone once told me that people that complete suicide are selfish - I’m not sure I agree.  Once someone is gone, it is easy to contemplate what they were thinking, and only think about the mess they left you with, and the struggles ahead.  But isn’t that selfish?  I mean this person just took their own life - I can’t imagine how they came to that conclusion, but I can only believe and hope it was not an easy one.  I quickly learned that I was the selfish one......I was so obsessed with why he chose to do this to me, but soon realized that he did this to himself; it was not about me.  That is hard to accept.  

When I talked to friends or family, they always told me “I know how you feel.”  Those words used to make me so angry. How did they know? They weren’t in my head, they didn’t find him in this horrible state, they didn’t lose the love of their life. They were able to go home at night. I had to go anywhere but home.  I began to get so bummed about that answer to my thoughts, I realized I needed help understanding the emotions I was going through.  I started seeing a therapist that helped me learn that everything I was experiencing was “normal.”  She told me that only I would know how to push through the sadness and learn how to grow.  Sometimes when I went to see her we never even talked about Zeke.  We would talk about the most random things - shopping, wine, going to the gym, work and sometimes the news.  At one of our meetings she said “I’m not going to let you avoid the subject, we need to talk about him.”  It was the first time that I broke down crying in front of anyone.  I’m not one that usually feels comfortable crying.  I don’t like people to see me that way.  I was surprised by my reaction, but I felt so much better.  I guess that sometimes when you keep things bottled up, those feelings can come out even stronger than ever.  I’m glad that it happened with her; she helped me open up and finally speak about what was going on in my head.

It is coming up on the anniversary of Zeke’s death, and I’m not sure what I will do.  I used to hang with friends and take way too many shots of tequila.  Probably over the past month, I have realized that I am drinking way too much.  I think I drink to hide my pain; I still miss him.  Wow, that is the first time I have admitted that.  At first I used to sleep with one of his dirty tee shirts so that I could have his scent with me; it helped me a bunch.  Then the smell went away.  After that I would drink to sleep.  The only way I could fall asleep was if I just passed out drunk.  It really wasn’t until lately that I thought I had a purpose without him.  It has taken me awhile to realize that.  Zeke inspired me to be creative.  We used to bounce off of each other's artistic abilities.  It was so funny when we would be getting ready to go out for an evening and we would be “that couple,” the ones that were dressed alike.  I used to tell him he had to back and change.  I used to paint, write, build, and design.  After his death, I had a hard time even picking up a paint brush, I didn’t know how to hold it in my hand.  Now I am slowly learning to keep his spirit in my heart, and create again.  I started writing down plans, sketching furniture, and painting pictures.  I used to be so on-the-go and not have time for anything, but now I am slowing down and doing things that are more fulfilling in my life.  So, I think that this January 5th, I am going to finish my projects I have started.  I am building a window seat box out of what used to be our bed, Zeke had built us a platform bed.  I will have it filled with his stuff and have a special place for me to sit and think about him, and be inspired.  I think I finally have been able to re-focus my energy into how to be happy, how to be me, without him.  I probably will stick to one of my rituals, visiting him at 1st street; bringing him a sunflower, and telling him I love him.   Then I will go back home and pick up my paint brush......I think I know how again.

- Nicole Orsargos

Comments (61) | Posted in General, Journal by jamie tworkowski

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i was in Virginia Thursday to speak at Old Dominion University in Norfolk. i got in early and had the chance to spend a few hours with my friend Nicole. Well, she feels like a friend now but the truth is i'd never met her before Thursday. Some of you have heard me talk or write about my friend Zeke, who died by suicide in January 2006. Zeke and i worked together at Hurley. Well, Zeke lived in Virginia Beach and Nicole was his girlfriend of more than three years when he died. She was the one who found him.

i'd traded emails with Nicole in recent weeks but never met her in person. We met for lunch on Thursday. i told her i wanted to eat where the locals eat and so she suggested a place by the Inlet. i pulled up a few minutes before her and the first thing i noticed was the word "Zeke" spray-painted on a wall near the restaurant's entrance. Zeke died over three and a half years ago and yet it was clear in that first moment that he has not been forgotten. 

As we ate, i asked Nicole a lot of questions about Zeke. He was good at everything. We smiled at the stories. She spoke of his quiet pain, unknown to most. i asked about the days since he died, how has she recovered, how has she survived... She spoke with strength and grace.  She said she's different now, doesn't buy "busy" as a way of life, says she's learned to slow down, to pause for the things that matter, for people and moments and conversations. She talked about her incredible friends and about going to counseling.

After lunch, i asked if she might show me around town - show me the places that were Zeke's, help me know his story. She said she would be happy to. We stood on the boardwalk at First Street, watching the cold waves break - Zeke was a great surfer and this was his. She pointed to the plaque on the end of the jetty, placed in the silence of the night, Zeke's friends saying his memory would stay with them always. 

She explained Virginia Beach, the surf shops and the bars and the characters that make it. She showed me the house that they shared. "We built a home together," she told me. 

That night, Nicole joined me on stage at Old Dominion, and for the first time ever, she spoke her story into a microphone. It was incredibly brave. Afterwards, people lined up to meet her, to thank her, to share what they found in her words. 

As we stood in the parking lot at the end of the night, she told me she was blown away, by the confessions that she heard, so many young people sharing their stories. i thanked her, said her words had been a gift for all of us in the room, encouraged her to keep sharing them.  She said she would like that.

i wish i could bring him back, this man she loved, this friend to so many... But the weight of suicide is it's permanence. Each of us, we are thousands of moments and choices and days. Zeke walked away from all of it that night in January.

We are left with the questions, with the weight of all the memories. The only sense that i can make of it is that Nicole now has a story to tell, that her words will serve as a gift to other people, her scars suggesting that they are not alone in their wounds, not alone in their questions and their remembering...  

Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day. If you've lost someone that you love, then we stand with you today. We say it matters, their story and yours, and we join you to remember. Please know that you are not alone.

To learn more about National Survivors of Suicide Day, please CLICK HERE.

Peace to you today.

jamie

PS: i wrote this a couple days after Zeke died, in January 2006...

Zeke Sanders: You Were Loved.

"I didn't know him well but this is what i knew: Zeke Sanders was hilarious and kind, small and huge in the same moment. He was humility and rock star, fashion and fishing, alive and encouraging and broken and hopeful and a thousand other things i'll never know. He was simple and complex. He was my friend. Something hopeful in me says he knows now how much he was loved. We will miss his smile, his laughter, his kindness, his tiny jeans and enormous shoes, made for wrestling. We will miss him tomorrow night when we set up, Sunday when we tear down, and Monday morning at Ian's, when it's too quiet. i don't know what else to say. i just have to believe that we are all more loved than we'll ever know. And we're all in this together."

Comments (35) | Posted in General, Journal by jamie tworkowski

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The mtvU Woodie Awards are tonight in NYC, a couple hours from now. Some of my favorite bands are nominated - Death Cab for Cutie, Kings of Leon, Phoenix... Ben Gibbard, Zoey Deschanel, Jack White and Pete Wentz will be in the room... 

Comments (21) | Posted in General, Journal, Music by jamie tworkowski

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We believe in stories. TWLOHA is perhaps a lot of things but among those, it's the story of a story that grew to be something more. Along the way, we've been given the opportunity to talk about things that millions struggle with but few talk about. It's a story of secrets shared and conversations over coffee and why songs matter. We've seen surprising doors open and most importantly, we've seen people find hope and help.

Another surprising door has opened... We can't reveal all the details but we would like to invite you into it:

A well-known photographer is taking some pictures next Saturday in New York City. The pictures are for a story that a magazine is doing on TWLOHA. The magazine is a pretty special magazine and it's safe to say that the story is a big one.

They want to take a picture of me and i asked if i could invite you and they said okay. It's going to happen in Manhattan. We don't know exactly where or what time just yet but we will know those details soon. There's a form you need to fill out if you want to participate in the shoot. If you send an email to nyc@twloha.com, we'll send you the form and we'll send you the info (when/where) as well. 

Here's the fine print: You don't get paid and your name won't appear in the magazine. But there's a chance you will get to be part of a group photograph that will appear in the magazine.

Also, we will hang out and we will drink hot chocolate.

Hope to see you Saturday in NYC. More info soon. Again, nyc@twloha.com is the address to write to if you're interested in being part of the photo shoot.

Peace to you.

jamie

PS / Update: The shoot will take place this Saturday at 12 NOON in Washington Square Park. 

Comments (15) | Posted in General, Journal by jamie tworkowski

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You are going to move through this.

- Anonymous 

Comments (230) | Posted in General, Journal by jamie tworkowski

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Today was a beautiful day.

Today I had the pleasure of having conversations that really matter. Sometimes I forget how blessed I am to be part of this movement—that not all organizations value stories to the point that they’ll allow for you to silence your phone, close your laptop and shut your mouth in the middle of a workday to listen and learn from another. I am thankful that in our office we are able to practice what we preach, to listen when needed, and share from the core of our being.

This morning I got to hear about the passions of a witty Scottish fellow. Our friend Stuart is currently visiting us from Scotland and has big dreams to make our presence in the UK a greater reality, and to impact those who wouldn’t naturally cross paths with To Write Love on Her Arms.

This afternoon I got to have lunch with my friend Justin. We smiled and laughed, and later shared some about hard realities as we sat behind office desks and wondered about the pain that comes with honesty and figuring out next steps.

This evening I ended my workday chatting with an author I admire; I was sitting at a desk in Cocoa, FL and he behind one in Portland, OR. It's so rare to read an author's work and also be able to exchange words in real-time. His name is Brian Doyle and he has an art for capturing truth with simple beauty and honesty. Last week I decided to email Jamie one of my favorite pieces of his, “Two Hearts.” I did this because Jamie recently gave each of our interns a copy of Rob Bell’s newest book, Drops Like Stars, as they leave us for summer and return to their communities to continue living out our mission and movement at home.

Rob’s website says, “It is the difficult and the unexpected, and maybe even the tragic, that opens us up and frees us to see things in new ways. Many of the most significant moments in our lives come not because it all went right but because it all fell apart. Suffering does that. It hurts, but it also creates.”

Today was a day in believing in stories, in the idea that confession and passion and honesty and forgiveness matter so much, but that questions and pain are a part of this growth process as well, part of the process of creating something new within each of us. And sitting here now, I can’t help but wonder if any of those rich conversations I got to have today has a greater significance.

Jamie and I wanted to share Brian’s story with you guys… So, take a few minutes to read it, enjoy it, and wrestle with it. Brian shares our belief that stories matter, and encouraged me over the phone that we should all strive to become better listeners and “story catchers” in our daily lives.

We hope your day feels beautiful.

Love.
Kaitlyn

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Two Hearts

By Brian Doyle 
from God is Love

Some months ago my wife delivered twin sons one minute apart. The older is Joseph and the younger is Liam. Joseph is dark and Liam is light. Joseph is healthy and Liam is not. Joseph has a whole heart and Liam has half. This means that Liam will have two major surgeries before he is three years old.

I have read many pamphlets about Liam's problem. I have watched many doctors' hands drawing red and blue lines on pieces of white paper. They are trying to show me why Liam's heart doesn't work properly. I watch the markers in the doctors' hands. Here comes red, there goes blue. The heart is a railroad station where the trains are switched to different tracks. A normal heart switches trains flawlessly tow billion times in a life; in an abnormal heart, like Liam's, the trains crash and the station crumbles to dust.

So there are many nights now when I tuck Liam and his wheezing train station under my beard in the blue hours of night and think about his Maker. I would kill the god who sentence him to such awful pain, I would stab him in the heart like he stabbed my son, I would shove my fury in his face like a fist, but I know in my own broken heart that this same god made my magic boys, shaped their apple faces and coyote eyes, put joy in the eager suck of their mouths. So it is that my hands are not clenched in anger but clasped in confused and merry and bitter prayer.

I talk to God more than I admit, "Why did you break my boy?" I ask.

I gave you that boy, he says, and his lean brown brother, and the elfin daughter you love so.

"But you wrote death on his heart," I say.

I write death on all hearts, he says, just as I write life.

This is where the conversation always ends and I am left holding the extraordinary awful perfect prayer of my second son, who snores like a seal, who might die tomorrow, who did not die today.

(A happy update: Brian shared with me that Liam is alive and well today; he’s a healthy 14-year-old!)

Comments (13) | Posted in Journal by Kaitlyn Suveg

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Comments (16) | Posted in General, Journal by jamie tworkowski

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