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i sort of hit a wall last week. It’s the feeling that while the story I get invited to tell is impressive to some, the story that i actually live is not. i feel lately like i live a story about a guy who rides on airplanes and in rental cars and hopes the pillow is comfortable in the hotel room. The smiling irony in the whole thing is that I get invited to tell people about community but then that turns out to be something I don’t really have in my own life. i have access to it but community is something you have to choose.
So last week i started to feel the weight of too many airports and too much time away from home. But i was already committed to going to an event. In fairness, this event was a gathering that i was honored to be part of and it would mean the chance to catch up with friends. But there would also be a lot of folks i didn’t know, which meant there would be a lot of first day of school moments where you answer the “what do you do?” question and hope that people like you. (These moments are not fun for introverts, especially tired introverts who wish they were at home.)
But instead of impressive people attempting to impress each other, i found a group of people willing to be human, willing to be honest and vulnerable in admitting the broken parts of their stories. There were confessions of mistakes and questions and doubts. There were grown men with tears in their eyes, willing to go there in front of people they didn’t know.
There was a man with cancer in his body and with his wife at his side, he spoke of the pain of the last year, the fear and embarrassment of the seizures that find him now. He spoke of the kindness of his friends, the miracle of the thing we call community. He spoke with love for his five year-old daughter and there were questions that did not require words.
We were invited to pray for him, to put our hands to his body and ask God to heal him. i have no idea how that works, why God fixes some people and lets others die. i don’t write much about faith because i feel like almost all of the words have been abused. I’ve become embarrassed by most things called “Christian” but i still believe in a God who loves people. Anyway, we were invited to pray and I knew i had to go. i made my way close to him, to where i could reach through the crowd to touch his right arm. Different people prayed out loud and i don’t remember the words but I remember crying and i remember the feeling of wanting this man to be okay.
i walked back to my chair, tears falling down my face but without shame. And it struck me that this moment had happened inside a gathering that I had feared might be a shallow celebration of folks with lots of answers. Instead, the moment that moved me most was the one without answers. It was a group of us meeting our friend in his enormous question. i go to so many things where it’s experts and leaders and public speaker people. There is a strange circuit of people that the world calls important.
This is not a “Come to Jesus” blog. It is simply a confession that with all that I’ve seen in the last few years, all the events I’ve been invited to and all the people that I’ve met, I am less and less impressed by “impressive” things or people who are presented as having lots of answers. i am impressed by people who are honest and kind. i am inspired by moments of vulnerability, moments of confession and compassion, moments where someone makes it clear that they are a person in need of other people and someone else makes it clear that the first person is not alone.
We’ve done some winning in the last few years. There have been some bright moments and surprising open doors. MTV and USA Today and Rolling Stone. CBS News. None of it meant as much to me as that moment praying for that man, when crying was the most appropriate response, because there are tragedies in this life that deserve our tears. I will not forget the privilege of standing in the small sea of strangers, reaching into sickness and mystery and hoping God might be real and hoping that he loves His children.
Be loved. Be known. Love people and know people. Be so brave as to raise a hand for help when you need it. Make friends and make sure they know they matter. Be loyal to them and fight for them. Remind them what’s true and invite them to do the same when you forget. If you do some losing or you walk with someone else in their defeat, live with dignity and grace. It is a middle finger to the darkness.
In the event we live to be old, i doubt our last days will find us aching for success or achievements. I doubt we’ll ask for bigger names or internet followers or virtual friends. If influence comes then let it come but it was never the point of the story. We will look back and smile at the moments that were real, the people who knew us and the people that we knew, the relationships and conversations, the days we walked together, the story that we told. We will consider the moments when we were allowed to show our beauty and our mess and the miracle moments when we were embraced by people who loved us even at our worst. And they loved us not for any sort of fame but simply because our stories had joined somehow and that miracle of friendship had taken place.
An hour after the prayer, it was time to say goodbye. The man, who I now consider a friend, told me that on his darkest nights, he wears a TWLOHA shirt to bed. He said he does this to remember that he’s loved.
Peace to you tonight.
jamie
PS: “Friendship is a dimishing of distance between people.” – Keith Richards
Posted in General by jamie tworkowski
Comments (48)
I'm laying in bed with my mind racing wondering why God lets me suffer. For some reason I was drawn to checking on TWLOHA and I saw this posted. I was brought to tears reading it. I can't even find the words to say.. it just reminded me that there is hope.
I am human. Humans suffer. We have pain but we are also capable of embracing love. I have to learn to accept that humans make mistakes and God has his reasons. He chose me to suffer from depression because He must know I have the strength to make it. I have to open my eyes and see all the people that are reaching out their hands to help heal me.
Thank You for your words. It was just what I needed to help my mind to ease, and want to wake up and face another day.
1 | Left by Emma | Oct. 18, 2010 at 9:51pm
as i reblogged on tumblr, just wanted to say thank you so much for this post jamie. it is amazing. your honesty and earnest writing is truly such an inspiration.
whenever i hit a wall, i try to remember Psalm 73:25-26 : "whom have i in heaven but you? and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever".
and while it is obvious you don't aim for greatness, or impressing anyone, you guys at twloha are definitely doing something so so great. kudos to you man.
we love you. jesus loves you.
peace to you tonight.
2 | Left by Kevin Loo | Oct. 18, 2010 at 9:51pm
I am always so inspired by your own brokenness Jamie. You struggle through so much to ease the struggling of others, and because of that, it makes me want to keep helping and keep struggling alongside you. I understand feeling helpless and humbled by others the way you seem to be. Keep writing and keep living.
We're all living for those amazing little moments in life.
3 | Left by Jazmin | Oct. 18, 2010 at 9:52pm
Thank you for writing this; tonight has been one of pain and struggle and many tears have been shed and for me, this is the beacon of hope that one day life won't feel so lonely and somehow sense may be made of this crazy life
4 | Left by mary louise | Oct. 18, 2010 at 10:50pm
Thank you for this, Jamie. I shared a similar moment this past Sunday in church: we were all praying for each other, broken people with stories and hurt and nothing but love for each other. There were only a few of us but we all felt each other's pain. People were crying and lifting one another up to heaven. That's what this life is all about: those transcendent moments where you reach through the darkness and brokenness and find someone who needs love.
Jamie, your thoughts and experiences are incredibly encouraging. Know that, through all the brokenness in your own life, through the things you face, there are people who love you and who need your love. Isn't it amazing, that right when you need it most, these moments happen and make it all worth while?
Love and peace to you.
5 | Left by Amanda | Oct. 18, 2010 at 10:52pm
Thank you, your words, your heart, your honesty, your ability to see situations for what they are for and past the worldly impressive. Thank you and God bless and give you some rest in Him.
Allie
p.s I am reposting this blog on my blog as your words were so entirely well spoken.
6 | Left by Alliemacphail | Oct. 19, 2010 at 5:03am
This made me cry. I am in college, which is a breeding ground for becoming "impressive". I hate having to be around this. Although, I have found some people who are willing to be known and real with others. But, it seems like lately, everywhere I turn, the need to be impresesive is there: on tv, frats, sororities, everywhere. Everyone vying for attention and approval. Last night, I went to bed convinced that there was nothing out there that was real or worth fighting for anymore. Once again, God used Jamie to remind me that there are. Thank you. Now I am hopeful again.
7 | Left by Moriah | Oct. 19, 2010 at 7:01am
Thank you for putting into words that which has been on my heart lately, desperately trying to be heard.
In a world so full of people so unwilling to love yet so secretly desperate to be loved, your blogs and your words and your organization is a very key thing to helping me remember to love, to remind people how much they matter, and to have faith in creating a greater life through love for those around me that I ache for.
Really... just, thank you. God bless you and your beautiful heart ! He is so here, Jamie, and He SO loves us and He is WORKING THROUGH YOU ! You're kind of like the patron saint of "lost causes" (as some people like to label others who they don't understand). (:
8 | Left by Elora | Oct. 19, 2010 at 8:08am
Mind blown.
Breath taken.
Beautiful.
A friend shared this with me this morning. And I shared it with others. I didn't know about TWLOHA until I read this.
More, please.
peace to you,
Jill
9 | Left by Jill | Oct. 19, 2010 at 8:20am
This is really really good. It is true that people respond more to vulnerability, than seemingly "impressive" words. Doing things to show love is way better than trying to fix people, especially when they are hurting. Jesus did a pretty amazing job at this in His life and on the cross. Just sayin...it's freakin awesome He set the example like that. He was so humble.
10 | Left by Victoria Polston | Oct. 19, 2010 at 9:45am
Got directed here by Anne Jackson.
Wow.
Awesome post all around.
11 | Left by Joe Sewell | Oct. 19, 2010 at 10:01am
And, wow, I didn't know you guys were just "up the road" from me here in West Melbourne, FL.
12 | Left by Joe Sewell | Oct. 19, 2010 at 10:06am
You just gave a gigantic "middle finger to the darkness." And so did David.
13 | Left by Krister | Oct. 19, 2010 at 10:29am
This letter... It has broken down barriers in me. Bariers that have grown of hate from the things that people have been doing and have done to me in the recent past.
It is helping me realize the reason that I got into TWLOHA, the reason that I support it and the reason I joined the street team over 3 years ago.
It brings back amazing memories, what pain is really like, and the reality that I know I haven't been living in.
Thank you Jamie.
With love,
Dylan
14 | Left by Dylan | Oct. 19, 2010 at 11:27am
Jamie , I hope that you wake up everyday and can see the wonderful light that you have. Your words have put me to tears once again, and I can't help but just want to give you a huge hug at this very moment. You matter and you seem to remind me everyday that I do as well. I also love what you said about making friends and letting them know they matter, I do it every single day because TWLOHA inspires me too everyday ! thank you so much :)
15 | Left by Gabriella | Oct. 19, 2010 at 6:08pm
This is the first blog entry I've read lately and it spoke volumes to me. "Be loved. Be known. Love people and know people. Be so brave as to raise a hand for help when you need it. Make friends and make sure they know they matter. Be loyal to them and fight for them. Remind them what’s true and invite them to do the same when you forget. If you do some losing or you walk with someone else in their defeat, live with dignity and grace. It is a middle finger to the darkness." Beautifully written and made me really take a long look at myself and my social disconnect. Thank you for writing such beautiful words. I'm inspired to reach out to people again.
16 | Left by Camille | Oct. 19, 2010 at 6:28pm
Every time you write, Jamie, I'm floored. By the passion, by the truth, by the realness of what you're saying. And I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for everything that you do and for remember and for reminding us that we are loved. But don't forget to remember, Jamie: you are loved. Thank you so much. Thank you for writing this.
17 | Left by Kendra | Oct. 19, 2010 at 6:32pm
Jamie,
you are something special.
being able to share your words, so raw and honest... you have changed a lot of lives around you. when I wear my TWLOHA sweater I feel stronger, knowing that this is the first step to overcoming whats ahead of me on my road to recovery. you are able to say what you want to say, and it seems without worrying about what others are going to think, and I think that you have proven that is the honesty that people are drawn too.
you truly inspire people around the world, including myself, to speak truth, and speak honesty... its these traits that allow us to help ourselves and help others.
so thank-you. i hope you make it home soon. and i hope that you can feel the warmth of home, and love, and community even in the cold crisp airports and hotels.
18 | Left by Paula | Oct. 19, 2010 at 6:33pm
Awesome post. It makes you realize God has a plan bigger than yourself. I have suffered from depression for years and know the pain it causes. However I want to use my experiences to help others with the same problem get the help I never got. If God could impact one person's life through me, all the pain I went through would be worth it.
19 | Left by Brandon | Oct. 19, 2010 at 6:34pm
Jamie, thank you for all you sacrifice so that you can offer hope to so many others. God bless you, and may He re-pay you many times over for the blessing you are to us. Thank you for being real.
20 | Left by Katy | Oct. 19, 2010 at 8:51pm
Thank you for being so open and honest with people you don't even know. You have made me speechless as I sit in my cubilcle at work and am brought to tears for the love that Christ has shown through the people around me. At the darkest moments in my life, when I nearly gave up and quit on everything, when I was cutting and wishing all the pain would cease, when the only hope I had in God I detested because it kept me hanging on, I see friends who were praying for me, supporting me and loving on me. Your words are a reminder for me to not take these people for granted, and to share that same loyalty, compassion and unconditional love to others. So, thank you.
21 | Left by Amy | Oct. 20, 2010 at 9:44am
Wow. when i first started to read this i didnt thing it was going to make me cry but it did. my friend walking in the door and asked me why i was cryiing and i told her and she didnt seem to get it but she hasnt been through something like that in her life... but thanks for sharing that story.
22 | Left by Courtney | Oct. 20, 2010 at 2:49pm
You have such an incredible way with words Jamie... thank you for this beautiful story Jamie. It came at a lonely moment in my day- and it was a well needed reminder. thank you.
23 | Left by Dayelle | Oct. 20, 2010 at 7:02pm
Jamie,
Thank you for sharing these thoughts-
In my life, the moments that have meant the most, the times where I have felt the most present in community have always been in those moments where I am too tired to pretend that I'm broken- It's easy to get caught up in the ebb and flow and in the smiles and the words and the philosophy of it all- I struggle with this but every now and then when we are reminded of what is true and right- wow- I see God in these moments and I see hope and purpose...so thank you for sharing this b/c I needed to hear it tonight.
Peace to you as well Jamie.
P.S. Remember that you have a story deserving to be shared just like the rest of us.
24 | Left by Jillian Nichole | Oct. 20, 2010 at 10:01pm
Thank you so much for that Jamie. Becuase I used to cut and starve myself I was afraid to tell people in my church that I did those things, because I thought they wouldn't understand or they would start spreading rumors. But what you said here reminded me that they are my community. These people who share the same beliefs and same motives for living that I do, they want to care. And even though they may not understand or know the answers for some of the things that I still question today, they are willing to stand by me and support me. So thank You once again, for making that trip and doing this even though sometimes you may not want to. The reward is better than the things you go through sometimes, and that is what keeps us going.
My Heart Goes out to You
~Sam
25 | Left by Samantha Ekes | Oct. 21, 2010 at 10:45am
Just saw you at Wilkes, we talked about Jimmy Eat World.
Stay strong Jamie, we've got your back.
26 | Left by Anastasia | Oct. 21, 2010 at 2:37pm
"But there would also be a lot of folks i didn’t know, which meant there would be a lot of first day of school moments where you answer the “what do you do?” question and hope that people like you. (These moments are not fun for introverts, especially tired introverts who wish they were at home.)"
Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I have been in this same situation lately.
Thank you for verbalizing it, Jamie.
A Fellow Introvert,
-Jovie
27 | Left by Jovie | Oct. 21, 2010 at 4:29pm
One year ago I discovered my 13 year old daughter was cutting herself. TWLOHA and you, Jaime, have saved us both many times in this last year. Stay strong and know that you are making a difference in peoples lives. Your thoughts and work are honest and inspirational, a knot on the rope of life in which to hang on to.
28 | Left by Mo | Oct. 22, 2010 at 1:07am
As a fellow introvert, struggling to be a light in the world, and struggling to help hurting people keep going, I can relate to this blog so much. Sometimes it gets so hard to go on, being around hurt and darkness and pain all the time, feeling like what you do isn't always enough. Sometimes I just want to hide away by myself, hide from all of the suffering and darkness. But then there are moments-like the one you described-that make it all worthwhile. When a friend finally realizes his story matters and he's loved... when anther finds hope that her life is worthwhile. I never feel more like myself-the person God created me to be-more than when I witness one of those moments.
"Be loved. Be known. Love people and know people. Be so brave as to raise a hand for help when you need it. Make friends and make sure they know they matter. Be loyal to them and fight for them. Remind them what’s true and invite them to do the same when you forget. If you do some losing or you walk with someone else in their defeat, live with dignity and grace. It is a middle finger to the darkness."
^I love this so much.
We all love you Jamie. One day, when everything's over, you'll be able to look back on your life and be proud for what God has done through you.
29 | Left by xrebeccax | Oct. 22, 2010 at 11:36am
This is my first time on this siqht.
I feel like i'm in a safe place.
jaime,
your writinq is wat i feel almost everyday.
readinq everyone's comments,
lets me know i'm not alone.
thank you
30 | Left by Jay | Oct. 22, 2010 at 4:35pm
Thank you, Jamie. For always being someone I can look to when I can't remember what honest looks like.
31 | Left by Lili | Oct. 23, 2010 at 4:09am
it's 5:56 am... i'm laying in bed, not having the best of nights... this story definitely cheered me up. I think it's often overlooked what is truly important in one's life. Years from now I am not going to look back and think about my grades on midterms or my GPA. I'm going to think of the conversations I've had with my closest friends until all hours of the night. Little moments that make me feel loved.
no one is alone in this struggle, no one can face it alone.
32 | Left by Vinnie | Oct. 24, 2010 at 3:59am
this is a beautiful post jamie...
i lost my aunt to cancer when i was 8, i'm now 15 and i still remember how i was told, how i felt and how i cried in school during our daily chapel when a prayer was said for my sister, my aunt and myself...
this post just about brought me to tears...
33 | Left by Maggie | Oct. 24, 2010 at 11:32am
i'm reminded once again that i need to reach out to the friends who are physically present in my life. thanks for being vulnerable. peace.
34 | Left by Michelle Gregory | Nov. 5, 2010 at 7:06am
Thanks for this post. I am suffering from Stage 4 Cancer and am familiar with what this man is going through. I have suffered from depression my whole life and no what that is about as well. I am reaching out for help and receiving it. It is hard but it is so worthwhile. To any others struggling out there please reach out for help and seek community.
35 | Left by Jonathan | Nov. 12, 2010 at 12:24pm
I don't believe in God, but I believe in hope. Thanks for making it that much easier.
36 | Left by jester | Nov. 17, 2010 at 4:48pm
Jamie, you always find a way to make everything you write beautiful. With everything you have written my heart has been touched. You are not afraid to admit the thruth. Your words have helped to heal me, to close my wounds. You do amazing sacrificial work for so many others. Your honesty makes everyone believe in the hope and community you preach. Thank you for your words.
37 | Left by Kris | Nov. 18, 2010 at 12:17pm
i dont have the skills the rest of these kids have to say what i have to say, so i'll just say it.
you're an encouragement in my life, and a big part of TWLOHA, that has brought me out of the mud.
just know that God is the Healer, and the All Knowing. sometimes its best to let go and let Him take over.
Love,
Charlie.
38 | Left by Charlie Johnson | Nov. 21, 2010 at 9:42pm
Jamie..... I would like to shake your hand! Thank you!
39 | Left by Amber | Nov. 22, 2010 at 3:29pm
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." ...Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.
Lamentations 3:22-24, 32-33
40 | Left by Alex | Nov. 23, 2010 at 6:06pm
having someone i love struggle through this life, and only finding relief in what we know as cutting, i find words of encouragement very comforting to me. i try to help him through this crazy life and it is very difficult. so anything that helps lift me up, it gives me the strength to help not only my friend but other people, and this post gave me strength. thank you so much Jamie for these words of love, and for many more to come
41 | Left by KayLynn | Nov. 27, 2010 at 8:20pm
LOVE this article. Rather than just being "uplifting", it has a much more humbling message. ♥
42 | Left by Brandon | Nov. 29, 2010 at 1:21pm
I'm not sure if you read every single one of these, if any at all.. The majority of them say the same thing and you might have people that do this for you...
I'm neither a great speaker, nor writer but I'd really like to share a bit of my story with you.
The feeling of hopelessness, worthlessness, depression, etc. hit me at a very young age and I coped with it with many different ways that I'm just going to leave up to your imagination. Since my first year of high school to my first year of college I've been trying to make a leap at progression through this dark thing we call depression. Every time I feel like I've broken through the barrier, I slip back and relapse into old feelings, old habits.
I'm a self injury survivor, an eating disorder survivor, a physical and emotional abuse survivor, and most importantly a suicide attempt survivor.
I find momentary comfort in relationships and friendships which ultimately turn out empty, but the cycle continues nonetheless.
My point is ultimately this- every time I feel like I'm at the edge, every time I feel like the cons outweigh the pros, and every time giving up sounds like the best option, I read through this website and find a slight comfort in the fact that I'm not alone that holds me over until the next day.
I don't know if the momentary fix will last forever, but what I do know is that it has kept me breathing for the past 5 years. And I just wanted to thank you for that.
Thank you, Jamie, for prevailing when nothing else seems to.
I hope more than anything that maybe one day you'll break through the barrier that so many people, including myself, can't seem to. You deserve that more than anyone.
43 | Left by danielle | Nov. 30, 2010 at 8:26pm
Thank you for writing this.
Beautiful words
44 | Left by Victoria P | Dec. 7, 2010 at 9:28am
I know that we are called to love, no matter if you're religous or not, we as humans are called to love one another, even in times of war of when we dont have the capibility to be able to love, when wre feel so heartless and to where we think we cant feel anything but pain at all. But yet we can feel more, we can feel love.
When i read the last part about the man wearing the shirt when he goes to sleep, it does say that we have hope when there is nothing but darkness.
you are loved, we are loved, and most of all i love you
45 | Left by Dan L | Dec. 7, 2010 at 10:20am
I swear I had goosebumps while I read the whole blog. And it kinda takes alot for me to get goosebumps.
But its deffiently very inspiring, and beyond beautiful.
(:
46 | Left by Becca | Dec. 10, 2010 at 8:17am
There are no words, except two:
Thank you.
47 | Left by Anon | Dec. 13, 2010 at 9:39am
I have been following TWLOHA's for a few months ago and I have bracelets on that I never take off. It will be 6 years in November that my dad commit suicide. They say time heals everything, but to me it seems like the longer he's gone the harder it gets. I myself have been having suicidal thoughts recently and I don't know how to deal with it. I know that a lot more people have it worse than myself but the hurt, confusion and frustration is way to much for me to bare. I am in a financial rut that I can't seem to get out of. I work two jobs and 7 days week and still can not make ends meet. I don't qualify to go back to school, I can't seem to stay in a stable relationship with a guy or even my own mother. Every time I get my head above water something comes along and pushes me back under.....I'm starting to know how my dad was feeling and I just wanna be with him....what should I do???
48 | Left by Michelle | Sep. 13, 2011 at 9:03pm
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