I don't like this.
Everybody with things like that wants to be good enough. And when psychologists always say, that you have to be like this, that you have to feel like this etc., it is the wrong way. Then the message is, that you are good enough without this. You will be good enough, if you win. To me it sounded a bit like this - at least a little bit, honestly.
But this is wrong. Because you are beautiful and good enough WITH this. Now. It doesn't matter how you feel or what you do.
Please never forget this, when somebody is saying, that you have to do this or that, or that you have to fight like this or... .
DO THIS ONLY, BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST. RIGHT NOW.
WITH every type of depression or things like that you ARE beautiful - and your life matters. THAT IS WHY I hope, that you will win.
Greetings from germany
to the great TWLOHA-movement

1 | Left by Franz | Jan. 27, 2012 at 2:06pm

It was a nice surprise to see two favorites of mine together!

I read Jenny's post through her original Tweet, and largely because of it, I convinced myself to seek therapy for my depression. For years, it's been mild and I thankfully have fantastic support. But this month was exceedingly bad and I had a few days where I scared myself.

I have my first therapy appointment Monday ^^ I've long believed in TWLOHA's message and #dream to be an ImAlive counselor one day. But until then, much love and healing to all and I need a silver ribbon!

2 | Left by Aerin | Jan. 27, 2012 at 2:57pm

a silver ribbon. i need one too. for you its been three days, for me more like three hours. it had been so long since i had hurt myself. oh well. i am strangely comforted by what was posted here. i can relate. i can understand to a point. i want to want to be alive.

3 | Left by Anonymous.Voice | Jan. 27, 2012 at 7:17pm

It's not about how many times you fall down, what really matters is how many times you get back up and keep fighting.

4 | Left by Emily | Jan. 27, 2012 at 8:48pm

i will not stop getting back up. i know your comment wasnt just to me but thank you anyway. someone sent me a link to a song that is called get back up again from toby mac. have you heard that song? it talks about exactly what you said.

5 | Left by Anonymous.Voice | Jan. 27, 2012 at 9:56pm

I have heard that song. It's a good reminder to keep going.

6 | Left by Emily | Jan. 28, 2012 at 6:48am

This is exactly what I'm going through right now. I know I've been commenting on posts for a few weeks, but this one has really hit home. What are you supposed to do when you're in the middle of this beast and can't see to the other side? What if you don't make it? What if happiness never finds you, or you never find it? It's terrifying. Life is absolutely terrifying. There is hope, but why does it have to be so fleeting sometimes?

7 | Left by Tara | Jan. 28, 2012 at 10:45am

"We live in a broken world with broken people, yet we are suprised when things are broken."-Scott Hyland

8 | Left by Emily | Jan. 28, 2012 at 10:47am

I pick at my skin. I dont cut or anything, but i pick at it. It my way of hurting myself. I trying to stop it, but I catch myself from doing it. I try not to, but I just did it without realising it. Its a bad habit. I left pretty bad scares. I remember were I couldnt get off the floor without falling back down because I was breathless. I find my self heading back down that path again. I always fighting. That really touched me. I really believe I can get out of this, but I still have a long fight! I need a silver ribbion!

9 | Left by Anna | Jan. 28, 2012 at 1:53pm

This has honestly given me the hope I was desperately trying to find within myself to get over this little bit of depression I'm in. Thank you for that

10 | Left by Amanda | Jan. 28, 2012 at 4:11pm

Jenny put into words the message I've been trying to believe for years; that we survive and we make it through, and that sometimes it's a very lonely kind of survival...but it's survival nonetheless. Thank you.

11 | Left by Becky | Jan. 28, 2012 at 6:12pm

Thank you for putting to words what so many of us are either unable to or too fearful to speak up. My favorite line is "We find ourselves unable to do anything but cling to the couch and force ourselves to breathe." Sometimes we really do have to force ourselves to breath because it seems so easy to just stop

12 | Left by Renee | Jan. 28, 2012 at 7:52pm

Renee,you are so right. Its so easy to give into the pain, but the feeling once we past the test is worth it! Just knowing that you have control over it helps you heal.

13 | Left by Anna | Jan. 29, 2012 at 4:08pm

The words I just read sum up everything I have been trying to get through my parents heads. They don't understand what I go through. They don't realize how hard it is to resist at night, when I am most vulnerable. I have never met someone who does. But this proves to me that I am not alone. And that although my friends and family don't completely understand, they still support me on my journey to recovery. This battle that I am fighting, will not end in death. It will end in love. And glory.

14 | Left by Andrea | Jan. 30, 2012 at 6:51am

Why doesn't ANYBODY UNDERSTAND????? I mean, I see that some of you do, but nobody in my world does. I try to be happy that they don't understand because that means they don't have to deal with the mania, the depression, the mania, the deeper depression.....but, it's hard to be happy for them when I'm just so lonely and isolated. I have a good support system, but none of them UNDERSTAND. I just want someone to understand what this hurt feels like.....I just don't want to feel alone.....

15 | Left by Jen | Jan. 30, 2012 at 8:06am

Hi.
This hit so close to home for me, it's scary.
I've been battling depression since I was 11. I'm almost completely missing a brain chemical, and because of that will *always* have a problem and will *always* be on medication.
This past Thursday, my Doc decided to institutionalize me. Mostly for observation, due to a new medication, but mostly because I don't stop to ask for help.
I'm a Mom. I'm supposed to be able to do it all, and hold everyone else up. Right? No. Wrong! Sometimes, you have to stop, and ask for that hand, hug, shoulder, or whatever. You'd think after almost 36 years on this planet I would know that. Hardly.
You're never alone. We're out here, suffering too.
Thank you for sharing this.
Just thank you.

16 | Left by Allison Smith | Jan. 30, 2012 at 2:20pm

This completely resonated with me. I recently overcame a very deep depression, and every day I wish I could tell people and be proud of what I did, but instead I have only my family, my therapist, my psychiatrist, and a handful of friends who even know I had a problem in the first place. Coming out of a two-week-long stay at a mental hospital after attempting suicide and having to tell people that the reason I was out of school was "personal" was terrible. I did, and still do, want to tell everyone I know about my illness, and how it has shaped me into the person I am today, and how proud I am to have overcome it. It'd be a huge weight off my chest... I only wish I knew of a way to get it off.

17 | Left by Isaac | Jan. 30, 2012 at 2:24pm

Was just reading through the comments....."I want to want to be alive" sums everything up for me.

18 | Left by Allison Smith | Jan. 30, 2012 at 2:25pm

jen, I go through the same thing you do. No one understands me. they might try to understand, but they never seem to be enough. I use to be happy for others because I was always sad. I finely just stoped, because for me, it was hurting me more to wear that mask. It wasnt me. I needed help. I cant hide that.

19 | Left by Anna | Jan. 30, 2012 at 2:41pm

I wish someone would understand. I wish I could find one person in this world who I could just pour my soul out to, tell my story or just simply say how I really feel. I don't want to keep feeling like I'm alone. I want to be able to say 'you know what, I'm not feeling ok'.

But I can't. I'm a teacher. I live in fear of people finding out what I'm really like. Everyday getting ready for work is literary like putting on a costume and painting on a mask. Hiding everything I possible can. Just dragging myself through the day.

Reading your blog made me see that I should be proud of those days when I want to get up, when I dare leave the house, when I do things because I want to. I might not have anyone else around, no one to hand me back my baton, but on those good days I have me and maybe me needs to give myself a pat on the back or a simple 'well done, you made it this far today'.

May peace be with you all tonight.

20 | Left by Heather | Jan. 30, 2012 at 2:51pm

I've been battling depression and self-harm for the past 3 years.. i'll think i've made it out and i'm fine for a while then it comes back and i start self-harming again.. with the help of my boyfriend its been almost a month since i've done it. i've never gotten help because i don't know how my family will take it. i'm pretty sure they'll receive it badly tho. i've told my boyfriend because he does it too, but he recently told his mom and got help. my best friend(who also knows)got help earlier this school year... so whenever i hear people say "just think of those fighting in the dark" and stuff along those lines, as one of those fighting in the dark, it makes me want to cry seeing those words.. i want help so badly, but i can't get it.. its forever beyond my reach

21 | Left by Liz | Jan. 30, 2012 at 2:55pm

Liz, you are never too far to reach. Ask someone for help. It's not to late, and your life is too precious not to fight for.

22 | Left by Emily | Jan. 30, 2012 at 3:27pm

Thank you for this. I have been struggling with depression & anxiety for many years. Much of the time, I feel okay because of the meds I take, but now & then, the meds don't seem to help, especially with my anxiety. It is a constant battle.

At times, it seems like no one gets it. I hate when people ask "Why are you depressed" because there is no reason for it. I hate when people say that I should just "snap out of it" because I can't. None of us can. It is a battle & a long healing process. We need to speak up, so that people will (maybe) get it. The problem is, that we are afraid to. We think no one really cares or we are just afraid to bare our souls in that way. The very conditions we suffer from keep us from talking about & getting help for them.

Recently, my 7 year old was diagnosed with anxiety & though I know it can be hereditary, I still wonder if it could be from dealing with me while I battle my own issues. When things get bad, I yell too much, I cry too easily, I sleep too much, I push people away. So, I wonder, could this have caused my daughter's anxiety? I know it's just the depression telling me this, but that knowledge doesn't make me feel any better because I still think it might be true. So now, I have this to deal with & I can feel another bad episode coming on. But I will fight; for myself, for my family, for all of those who suffer from this monster called depression; I will fight & I will win.

23 | Left by Nikki | Jan. 30, 2012 at 3:54pm

A friend shared this page...thanks be to God. Between what I've just read and words said to me just last Thursday by my family doctor after a check-up, I am in great condition. It's just that I, like so many others, has to take a prescription to be just that. She told me not to be ashamed of myself or let others make me feel that way. So, I won't and I pray that others will not either.

24 | Left by April | Jan. 30, 2012 at 4:20pm

After not being able to put in to words how i feel and why i do what i do..reading this helps me so much. So thank you.

25 | Left by Alissa | Jan. 30, 2012 at 4:26pm

aaah jenny, i don't self harm
never have, but i have friends that have, friends that do
and i admire them so much.

I admire them for the courage they show every day that a part of them lives isolated from those they love, those they share their lives with - isolated cos self harm is such a no-go zone. And too often the struggle to deal with it is such a lonely one.

i'm glad i read your post

26 | Left by kevin | Jan. 30, 2012 at 4:48pm

Jenny - I really admire you for admitting you self injure, I do to and I hate it, I struggle so much with the self injure, the scars, the shame. You have put it so eloquently. I also suffer from debilitating depression and have all my life. I have a VNS implant for depression - it has helped so much, I've only had one major "hide in bed" style depressive episode in 6 years. The depression is still an issue, and always will be, but it is not as severe as it was before the implant. Thank you for sharing your 'brokenness' with the rest of us and I wish you peace.

27 | Left by G | Jan. 30, 2012 at 8:29pm

Wow.
Its like you were writing about me.
I havent cut two weeks.
I only stopped, or am atempting to stop, because I almost lost people close to me.
I am getting help.
I dont want it.
But I do at the same time.
Being a freshman inigh school and facing all the mental/emotional challenges, along with school, sometimes I just want to curl up in someones lap and cry.
Have my pain go away.
My cousin has told me that Im not allowed to suddenly disappear.
I promised her I wont.
I promised my boyfriend and best friend that too.
I dont want to disappear-I just want the pain to go away.
The 56 scars that lace my left arm are going to be that reminder that I cant do this anymore.
That I have to be strong in order to get better.
Let those around me and God help me through this tough time.
Thank you for writing this Jenny.
Thank you.

28 | Left by M | Jan. 30, 2012 at 9:14pm

I think it's coincidence, or maybe a friend looking out for me, giving me signs. I have been wide awake since yesterday morning. I find my mind wanders in the night, and usually doesn't allow me to sleep. I have struggled with depression for over eight years now. The worst it ever was, was nearly two years ago now. If it wasn't for two very close friends, I wouldn't be here today. Just this morning was a replay of that day. Sometimes, I feel so alone. I wonder how everyone else in the world doesn't feel alone. I wonder if they're really happy, and if they're not, how can they stand to go on living an unhappy life? I was sitting in philosophy, which I think is a terrible idea for anyone dealing with depression. I was questioning everything I think I believe or know. I had decided it was my time to go, because my heart aches, and I'm not happy, and I just can't take it anymore. Shortly after leaving class, I read a post on facebook from a friend, that read "The strong forces of wind against my skin, let's me know there's something better. Every thing is constantly changing, from the weather, to your mood, even your dreams, and the stars above ..Let it be. Love life". At that moment, I took a deep breath, told myself I am ridiculous, and to wait, just a little longer. I came to TWLOHA, just to see if what's new, and I came across this. This is just reinforcement. This is a sign to me, from a friend I lost just last September. I know he's with me. Thank you Jenny, for being honest, with all of us, but mostly yourself. I have many secrets and many demons that I can't trust anyone with. These things tear away at me. Because of your honesty, you have given me a little hope, and a little reassurance. I scared myself today, and I'll probably scare myself again, but I'll slow down, and think of this, and try my best to remember that I am not alone. This post made me want to cry, and I think that's what I need. Thank you so much. In a million different ways, thank you.

29 | Left by Lacey | Jan. 31, 2012 at 10:57am

Lacey, sometimes people do feel just as alone. They just don't know how to show it or what to do about it. I don't know you, but I'm glad you decided to wait. Even if it's just for a little longer, maybe something else will come along and change your mind again and help you to keep going. You are certainly not alone, if you ever think that all you have to do is come here to see that is not true. You are a beautiful soul and amazing and loved.

30 | Left by Anon | Jan. 31, 2012 at 5:29pm

Today was one of those days today. You know, one of those days when nothing goes right and you feel like giving in. Last year I struggled quite a bit with depression and started self abusing. Today I very nearly fell back into that habit. I still have that way of thinking, that if all else fails I can cut in order to feel better, but I haven't in months. I don't let people in, I would rather go it alone. But this means that on my bad days, and when I get through my bad days, I do it alone. My successes are mine alone, and they're celebrated in silence, alone, as I wash the words that got me through the day from my forearm:

"Hope is the thing with feathers"

Please, no one ever think you are ever completely alone. You are beautiful and loved.

31 | Left by Anon | Jan. 31, 2012 at 5:34pm

i love this thank you so much this is so true for so many people!!!

32 | Left by britney | Jan. 31, 2012 at 8:00pm

Sitting in school, feeling down. Classmates are insulting. Only find peace here.

33 | Left by Brooke | Feb. 1, 2012 at 7:17am

To previous comments about No one understanding... That's the depression whispering lies in your ears... When the lights go dim. You are not alone... There's always someone who was made to understand you.

34 | Left by Mariah | Feb. 1, 2012 at 2:31pm

I need a silver ribbon.

Anonymous.Voice:
I have replied to your comments before, and here is another--
you say in words what I cannot express myself, and I am grateful for that.
and I want to want to be alive.
but some days it's just so hard.
no one knows my pain, and the only one who does I see seldom and she doesn't understand, but I am grateful anyways for her longing to be there for me wherever I am.
I don't want to die, just not to live.
I want to want to be alive.
how can I?
all I hear is that I'm not good enough.
I'm not enough, even whith the mask. There are so many, and sometimes I mix them up.
sometimes even what they want to see isn't good enough.
I have so carefully revised it, but I can't get it good enough for either those who just see me passing in the halls, to them I'm just that dumb freshman chick.
But my mask isn't good enough for those closest to me either.
all I hear is my endless shortcomings.
I can't do anything right anymore.
I can't do anything.
I want to want to live.
but why should I?
I am so afraid, but I have nowhere to turn.
The only thing left is pain, and then death.
I don't cut, I scratch with points of pencils and such.
the blood is comfort.
I want to want to live.
but does it matter either way?
I can't do it.
But here I find some comfort, but also I realize That maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
I want to want to live.
but I don't want to.
but I must.
so I'll wear the mask, carefully refined once more.
Until It's all over.
but please, here's my cry:
it takes all my courage, and strenght, but here is my whispered cry:
please. help me. please.

35 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 1, 2012 at 7:09pm

Crazy how you see stuff that goes exactly with whats goin on in your life right? Well it fits with what I went through and still stuggle with, I mean the whole depression thing. I went through a serious trial when I was in middle school and talked to a freind about it until she got tired of hearing it and told me to elave her alone so I did. I thought it was the end for me, I didn't see how I could get through after that but eventually I started to get better but somedays I just don't feel like I can go on. I just feel like no one would care if I was gone and I just feel like crap and don't know what to do. I don't like people to know that I'm struggling and am not known to ask for help but this is one of the few places I feel like I can open up and let my gaurd down. So if anyone has anything to say that can maybe help me please I'm on my knees here and don't know what to do. Help?

36 | Left by Allison | Feb. 2, 2012 at 9:30am

I haven't really cut about 1 month.. which is the longest i have gone. I've only stopped because i'm in love. If it werent for him, i would still have scars all over my wrists and arms. but he makes me happy and he makes me feel like im perfect and he see's through all of my flaws and he makes me feel beautiful every single day.
LOVE CAN DEFEAT ANYTHING!

37 | Left by Kelli | Feb. 2, 2012 at 7:08pm

I self-harmed for the first time in a while.
I like the pain. it shows me that I am strong even when I am not.
But the scars scare me. I don't like them. THey bring me back to a place I want to forget, but can't because I am slowly sinking back there.
The only one who knows even remotely what is happening is my best friend Sara. I am afraid to tell her everything.
The pain is becoming physical. I feel it in my core--it hurts to breathe, to be alive.
I want to want to be alive.
I constatnly am liight headded, and I feel confused and cought off gaurd all the time. But I go back to the solid facts: The pain of self-harm minimizes the pain. THe scars bring back old memories, but at least they are'nt the present.
Sara, please help me.
Someone, please help me.
If I tell anyone, they'll think it was because of a recent breakup, but only Sara knows that It is much deeper then that.
I am scared. but I want help, but mostly I want to push it all away. I hate it all.
but i so desperately do want to want to live.
but I can't take it much longer.

38 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 2, 2012 at 7:15pm

Oh.....how many of us write that we _want_ to _want_ to live.....until then, trudge on putting one foot in front of another until the desperation and hopelessness subside if only for a minute......

39 | Left by Jen | Feb. 3, 2012 at 12:58pm

I have waited, and it will not subside.
I have said that I want to want to live, but what's the point?
I don't want to trudge on, I want it all to end.
help me.

40 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 4, 2012 at 4:24pm

Iv dealt with depression for the past year and im only 13. Iv had so many struggles and iv done things that i will always regret. I guess dealing with it has made me stronger and more aware of my surroundings and i know that if i never felt wat i did i wouldnt hav been able to save my friends life when she was going to commit suicide. I can honestly say that this weekend i was saved by god and i am the happiest ive ever been in a year, im not dealing with depression alone anymore and god is right hear to pick me up off the ground when i need him to.

41 | Left by alissa | Feb. 4, 2012 at 6:36pm

I have lived with the beast for as long as I can remember. I used to awake covered in blood as a child and not be able to tell my mother what had happened. My family is completely delusional. My dad keeps telling me that if I do right by Him my fear and pain will dissipate. My mother tells me it will pass, it's a phase. I cannot express how hard it is to even wait throughout the day to put a blade to skin. Or even "accidentaly" burn myself whilst making dinner. Every time I read these stories it gives me a little sliver of courage and strength to push forward to the next day. I thank you, your website and cause have helped me through many tough nights when I did not have the want or hope of seeing mornings light. You all have such beautiful souls. And I hope that I will conquer this animal inside me and become something others look up to. With all my heart I thank you. Blessed be

42 | Left by Mary | Feb. 4, 2012 at 10:44pm

Mary:
you are loved.
you are beautiful.
you are more.
^^look up that song-- by tenth avenue north. it helps me when all I want to see is darkness.

43 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 6, 2012 at 7:54pm

I don't want to live anymore.
All I wanted was to feel beautiful.
I can't take it anymore.
I don't even have the will to want to want to live.
I just want it to be over.
please.
help

44 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 6, 2012 at 8:33pm

Dear Cammie,
Your life is so very precious! Don't give up. You are beautiful! God loves you and many of the people on here do too. You are more and you can make it through this.

45 | Left by Emily | Feb. 7, 2012 at 1:35pm

Thank you so mch for posting this. You have no idea how much this helps reading that someone else feels the exact way I've been feeling. My depression is also mild, making people say things like "you do this for attention" or thinking its not serious. No matter how your depression is, it's serious. I am so glad I have people now to tell me I am beautiful. I will be ok. I'm not alone. And I am loved. I still have times where I feel like my depression has completely taken over. I feel like I could just fall into a giant blob on the floor. My entire body just feels like its going to collapse. Thanks to twloha and all the other people out there, I've learned I'm not alone. And I never will be no matter how awful I feel. There is hope. There is love. There is help. You can do this. You can beat this. I promise you can. By the way, it's been a week since I last hurt myself. Right now, I celebrate!

46 | Left by Marissa | Feb. 7, 2012 at 7:16pm

I am proud of you. I don't know who you are and the pain you have been through, but I am proud. I am proud that you are getting better, that your fighting, but mostly I am proud that you shared your story. It's the hardest thing to do. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for helping me.

47 | Left by DiAnna | Feb. 8, 2012 at 12:14pm

Emily:
thank you. Today I can find some hope, and am trying harder to be stronger, and I even want to live. Thank you for making me feel loved and beautiful.

48 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 8, 2012 at 2:05pm

I understand your struggle. 3 days was eternity for me, but it turned into a year faster than I could've imagined. My friends helped me so much and I love them dearly for that. I think they deserve parts of my silver ribbon, too.
Keep it strong. Keep walking.

49 | Left by Corynn | Feb. 9, 2012 at 8:03am

Today I etched "BROKEN" into my arm. I am broken.
"There's a girl in the corner with tear stains on hte eyes from the places she's wandered and the shame she can't hide. She says 'How did I get here? I'm not who I once was. And I'm crippled by the fear that I've fallen too far to love'"
-from "You Are More" by tenth avenue north.
I am that girl. it is true. and I have fallen far too far.
the bloody "BROKEN" says it all.
Broken. what a perfect word. some call it juvenille and unoriginal. but people don't notice the beauty and truth to the word. the childlike, choppy, and even broken sense of the word is to true.
I am so BROKEN.
My forearm says it all.
I am BROKEN.
Sara, help me.
I AM BROKEN.

50 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 9, 2012 at 3:19pm

Dear Cammie,
We are all broken. The beautiful thing is that we can give our brokenness to God. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"-Psalm 147:3. Take heart tonight dear friend. God hears our cries and is there to lift us up when we fall down broken. I'll be praying for you!

51 | Left by Emily | Feb. 9, 2012 at 8:04pm

Emily--
Thank you.
I needed that.
thank you.
Soli Deo Gloria!
peace, CAmmie

52 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 10, 2012 at 7:19pm

Kendall and Sara--
I am Cammie.
I am broken.

53 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 10, 2012 at 7:25pm

No matter how broken you are...there is always someone to pick up the peices.
I feel so blind...
If I had only seen.
Not many know but a few years ago I had a terrible case of depression. I never went as far as hurting or thinking of killing myself, but I felt the same pain. My two life long best friends turned on me and I felt so alone. Their words and actions peirced me in ways that I never knew could hurt. I'd pull my hair to keep from screaming from the pain I felt inside. I had close to no friends, I was uninvolved and felt like I had lost my whole world.
Then one day while I slept through the day to keep from having to face myself, I woke to find a simple vase of flowers on my bed side. They were from my mom, with a simple note that said "I love you".
That was all it took. The thought that just one person believed in me and loved me. I told myself that I didnt deserve to feel that way anymore. I got involved with sports, which I can say have literally saved my life. I opened up, made friends. I started enjoying life. Now i consider myself one of the happiest people I know. I love my life, my friends and my family. Sure its not always easy, but I have chosen to make the most of it. No it didn't happen over night, it took years. The point is...you are the spark, the fire, that can make life worth living. Believe in yourself. You are beautiful people that deserve the best. There is a small flower vase out there for all of you, all you have to do is look.
Cammie and Joel, yes this is me. This is my untold story. I know what it feels like.
I'm here for you.

54 | Left by Ken. D | Feb. 10, 2012 at 9:16pm

I want to get help. but I don't want to have to face myself anymore.
I am too broken. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear. I'd rather disappear then have to live anymore.
I finally got the strength to tell someone. But now I am afraid that she will tell. I'm going to start to get help, if that will get her to stay silent.
Ken.D--
I love you girl.
you made me cry, both with the Box and that post.
But I don't want to pick up the pieces. I just want to hide them. If I pick them up the shattered edges will cut me and I will bleed even more. I'm sorry. And thank you soo much.

55 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:23am

Dear Cammie,
I know that it's hard to let people in and see the darkness we would rather hide from, but I PROMISE it's better to get help than to try to face the pain alone. It's hard, but letting people into your life to help you is a good step toward healing. Don't give up. Your life is worth so much more than you can see right now.

56 | Left by Emily | Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:43am

Emilys right...no matter how hard it is you don't deserve to feel that way. The pieces may cut but i promise you that they will be bettee in the long run. No one deserves to feel like that. Sometimes we need saving, and we need to ask for help, even when it's saving from ourselves.
No one has to go through this alone.

57 | Left by Ken. D | Feb. 12, 2012 at 12:46pm

Dear Emily and Ken.D~
today was a good day. I was almost happy. You gave me hope, something I haven't known for a long time. I want it to get better, but my question is, will it last?
Thank you for Hope. I feel almost slightly numb toward the Brokenness. I am still so Broken, but the Broken on my arm is fading. I didn't cut at all today. Today I felt hope, but though it won't last, I felt almost. . . unbroken. Or at least, slightly less Broken.

58 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 12, 2012 at 9:28pm

Dear Cammie,
First of all, I want to say congrats on not cutting today! I'm so happy for you! =) There is hope, and you can get better and have healing last. I'm not sure if you believe in God or not, but if you would like to hear more, I would be more than happy to share the hope and healing I have found in God. I hope your day continues to go well. Keep looking up.

59 | Left by Emily | Feb. 13, 2012 at 1:08pm

Today went less well. . . I defined the Broken on my arm. But I would like to hear, Emily. I am Christian, but sometimes It feels like he's not there. I'm afraid to let anyone in, let alone something who claims to be there but feels so far away. . .

60 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 13, 2012 at 2:23pm

To Cammie and whoever else is reading, I've been where you're at. I struggled with cutting and starving myself for years, I frequently thought of ways to die. I thought my life didn't matter and that I wasn't worth anything. I learned to wear the mask and pretend everything was fine when I was slowly dying inside. I refused to let people see what I was struggling with because I was afraid. I questioned whether God really cared or if He could really forgive my mistakes. I felt so alone. One day a few months ago, I walked into youth group and saw my pastor. Before I could really think, I ended up telling him all of those things I had been hiding and the darkness I was living in. It was one of the best things that has ever happened to me because by opening up to him, I was able to get help. God transformed my life! I know it feels like He is far away, but I promise He's not. (Deuteronomy 6:31; Psalm 34:18) God loves you right where you are at, but He wants you to live the abundant life He intended for you. He came so that we might have hope. When you realize His grace and forgiveness, you can see that there is hope for you today! People think that Christians need to live perfect lives and don't have any problems, but it's such a lie. We fall down, we cry, we have hard days, but God is faithful. Always. Let God in and ask Him to heal your brokenness. Look up to Him when you don't have the strength to go on.

61 | Left by Emily | Feb. 13, 2012 at 3:44pm

Know what, Emily? I appreciate your post and know where your heart is. I'm a Christian too and (usually) am right where you are....but it's just not that easy all the time. Sometimes you're right with Job - wishing you were never born. You know? I want to believe that God has a purpose for my life......I just don't know right now.

62 | Left by Karen | Feb. 13, 2012 at 4:20pm

Sometimes it's hard to see clearly in the storm. Psalm 42:11-"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

63 | Left by Emily | Feb. 13, 2012 at 4:53pm

Thanks, Emily....let me try to pray into that tonight....I'll try.

64 | Left by Karen | Feb. 13, 2012 at 5:20pm

But you said, "There's something I have to say,
And I can't because I'm just so afraid."
And so I held you as you started to shake that night

Oh, my dear I'll wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through

Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fears can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of disappear inside
Until this guilt begins to crack and the weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear I'll keep you in my arms tonight

You slowly lifted your head from your hands
You said, "I just don't think that you'll understand,
You'll never look at me that way again if you knew what I did."
And so your tears fell and melted the snow
You told me secrets nobody had known
But I never loved you more even though now I knew what you did
--from "Oh my dear" by Tenth Avenue North.

65 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 13, 2012 at 5:46pm

I was just coming here to check on the blog...see what's going on...and ask if there were any friends here inclined to pray. I would just like to reach out. I have been struggling, I wno't lie. I'm not used to reaching out for help, even less fond of NEEDING it. But, I'm not at a great place right now, but I do know it is temporary and will pass. I would just like to ask for support and friendship...and just words to remind me that things do always get beyond how they are right now, at this instand. Thanks for listening - even more for caring - and even more than that, for praying.

66 | Left by Laura | Feb. 14, 2012 at 8:34am

this is a very inspiring web site i am 13 annd i cut it feels good to know im not alone for once

67 | Left by michael | Feb. 14, 2012 at 11:37am

its me again ive tried to stop @ i always write poems about cutting is any one there i can talk to right now on here

68 | Left by michael | Feb. 14, 2012 at 11:39am

listen to last night by skillet it basiccly tell the story of my life. im in isi wright now for cutting in class .i really cant go on like this ive been in 2 suicidal hospitals. i live in piedmont oklahoma

69 | Left by michael | Feb. 14, 2012 at 11:43am

:) hi its michael Lml. heres a poem standing alone in my own little world cutting myself with a jagged edge watching the blood run down my wrist asking why the hell do i do this cutting over the other slits why doi not feel the pain is it cause this is lifes phsco game. michael hammons

70 | Left by michael | Feb. 14, 2012 at 11:52am

i havent cut for 2 hours

71 | Left by michael | Feb. 14, 2012 at 11:55am

okay jenny u are amazing i love u

72 | Left by michael | Feb. 14, 2012 at 12:06pm

Someone always cares.
Never think that you are alone.
I just found someone who I can relate to and I am so glad to have his friendship, but it kills me inside knowing that he doesn't think that anyone cares.
That's the whole reason that we're friends: because of one mutual friend who cares.
Somebody always cares. and more importantly, God always cares.

You are loved.
you are beautiful.
you are more.

to Joel especially: Please, keep holding on. you have to go through the worst to get to the best.

73 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 14, 2012 at 2:06pm

Thank you for this post. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for years. It was the worst in high school, I self injured and thought about suicide but was taking medication and seeing a therapist. I am no longer seeing a therapist or taking medication, and things were looking alright, mainly thanks to a special person in my life. However, lately I've been having a lot of emotional problems and have started self injuring again (thankfully it's been a few days, and never anything severe). No one knows that I'm hurting myself or feeling as bad as I do. I'm really afraid to tell anyone. My boyfriend knows I'm struggling a little, but doesn't know how much or that I hurt myself. I'm deathly afraid of telling him.
But this post made me feel a little calmer about it. Maybe I'll be able to tell him someday.

74 | Left by Ashley | Feb. 15, 2012 at 10:35am

Today was a good day.
but even those who are closest to me seem to wish that I wasn't alive. Now I'm starting to wish that. . .
but I must be. Even those who wish that I wasn't there need me to be there for them. I will not show. I will be a shoulder to cry in, even when I am so close to tears myself.
I will stay strong to show those who are like me that they can do it too, even though I'm not sure that I can.
but TWLOHA gives me hope, and hope is strength.
strenght until tomorrow.
just one more day.
and then the same thought, that will get me through.

75 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 15, 2012 at 6:45pm

Reading this was just wow. You are so brave to have written this, amazing because you are fighting. I'm so proud of you and will be praying for you. This pushed me a little bit closer to asking for help. Though I am not yet at the point where I am ready to really tell someone how bad my depression and need to cut is, this gives me a little bit of strength towards that future moment. My biggest fear is not having my depression taken seriously, having it minimalized or told that it's just me. But maybe that's not my biggest fear. Because I am also deathly afraid of hurting my mother/family and shattering everyone's view of me as a perfect child. I just can't let myself do it. Not yet. Sorry for rambling and sorry if this did not make much sense :/ Anyway, I just want to say I am proud of you and inspired. Stay strong. And on the weak days, it's okay to lean on someone and ask for help. I may sound like a hypocrite, but still. Love all of you guys. Remember, Rescue is Possible. Thanks TWLOHA

76 | Left by Gloria | Feb. 16, 2012 at 3:31pm

Thank you for this. This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. I'm so glad you are in a better place right now and I wish you all the best.

77 | Left by Anon | Feb. 16, 2012 at 7:04pm

Thank you for speaking out and sharing this with all of us. I've been having pretty awful frequent (but infrequent) episodes the past few months after a good few years of stability and I was hard on myself. It hurts to know that I still put myself down for just those moments of "weaknesses" and that I'm not "strong" enough. It's not easy to be strong to know that you're weak...if that makes any sense. So in the end, I remind myself that if I survived before, I'll survive again and that it comes and goes but I'm still here and fighting and being proud and that's ALL that matters, just like you and so many others.

78 | Left by Anon | Feb. 16, 2012 at 7:18pm

You're so brave for speaking out about your feelings. I wish I could... I hope that one day I will be able to speak out like this. Keep up the bravery

79 | Left by Emily | Feb. 16, 2012 at 7:31pm

Thankyou for speaking out- it is inspiring!
It's so true that it is a victory celebrated alone. I've had people say "Get over it" or comment that I'm melodramatic about self hatred when I finally quietly opened up about my anxiety and depression but that shows me they don't understand the battle we face and it hurts to hear that.

We fight battles.
So very challenging battles.
And the world doesn't see it.

The pain engulfs you
and it feels that we are so alone.
Because the world has made us think this way.

We are not alone.
But isolated and ashamed yes.

I want to fight.
I want to keep fighting.
Day by day to get strong enough
to control myself, my mind.
To not have to rely on things but
get up and live a day without that
conniving, leeching voice bringing me down,
wounding me.

I will get there.
I am already on my way.
Admitting it to myself,
whilst so very hard,
was the first step and
I hope that one day from now
I will able to be open up
and not run away when
someone knows my dark secret.

Mark my words
I will win.

As I am committed to helping myself
and believing in hope for the first time.

And I know.
We all have this amazing power
within to overcome this.
We will chip away at this darkness
until one day the wall will crumble,
and we will taste the light
as if for the first time.
Yes we will stumble in the course
but I know we will do it
if we try.

We will be victors and stronger
because of our battles.
As a dear concerned friend said to me "You've got to believe you will get better"
And this belief will be my sword
in my battle
I just need to remember.

I will remember, soldier on,
and ultimately succeed-
if only I hold my sword high
and believe.

BTW: The ribbons would be a great idea. We should have a day to help remove stigma and promote awareness. In my country Australia we have R U OK? Day which is slowly growing if anyone has heard of it.

80 | Left by Anna | Feb. 16, 2012 at 10:41pm

It is true that I no longer fight depression but I have serveral people in my life who feel the effects of depression and seriously too. I beg them to keep fighting, to stop cutting...I wish there was more I could do but I don't know what.
I promise you this though...for all of you out there, all of you who have posted on here, your words bring me close to tears but they make a fire burn within me. A fire that tells me that I need to keep fighting for all of you. You are all so important and beautiful people who don't deserve to feel like this.
Put down the knives...you don't deserve the pain.
Don't be afraid to cry...let the tears flow.
Don't be afraid of help...

81 | Left by Ken D. | Feb. 17, 2012 at 10:26am

Kendall-- just don't tell. It comes in waves. Sometimes I am so close to giving up, but I promise myself just one more day. But other days I look forward to another, and I feel like I am almost better. Because Tomorrow is a new start. I felt beautiful for one of the first times in months yesterday. But it scares me. feeling so good leaves only one place to go-- down. I don't like that. I don't like being afraid. I don't like hiding. But I have to. Others need me to. And I will not let them down.

82 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 17, 2012 at 5:28pm

I felt good today until a friend told me that she's going to get me help. I am so afraid that the fear is eating me inside, but I am fine if i'm left alone. I don't want help. but I am already beginning to get help. She doesn't realize how hard it was for me to even tell, much less get help. The fear is killing me. I just want to disappear. I am fine if no one knows. I shouldn't have even told her in the first place. no one can be trusted. and after I found out how she told about another friend, I trust her even less. I trusted her with my deepest darkest secret and it was so hard to tell in the first place, it took me over a year, but now she is going to tell. Kendall, please keep my secret. I am getting help. just give me a couple of weeks. I will be strong. I must not show. I will pretend to be strong and bold and beautiful, everything that she is and I am not, but I would keep a secret. I will be strong.

83 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 17, 2012 at 6:19pm

Cammie please let Kendall help you... It will help you in the long run. Trust me, I know. You can do this. Please.. It kills me to see you like this. I want you to be happy and Kendall WILL help you. She helped me.. Cammie remember, YOU are more than the choices you've made, YOU are more than your past mistakes, YOU are more than the problems that you've made, youve been remade. Please let her help you Cammie.

84 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 17, 2012 at 10:02pm

cammie - please let someone help you - please want it - you are worth it! i'm praying for you

85 | Left by lisa | Feb. 18, 2012 at 9:40am

thank u jenny for sharing your story! we all have one but we think we are alone and no one else feels this way. it just nice to hear we are not alone and someone understands.

86 | Left by lisa | Feb. 18, 2012 at 9:43am

Today my mom saw the "Broken" on my arm. It has been a few days since I cut, so I just told her that I wrote on my arm. She can't know. no one can. I am working through this, but it is better if I do it alone. Kendall--you must not tell. Joel-- I don't need her help. You hypocrite. you never believe me when I tell you how amazing you are, yet you expect me to believe that I'm even halfway decent? But as long as no one can tell, I will be fine. Even though They don't want me to be alive, I will be so that I can be there for them to tell them how beautiful they are and that they are so much more. I will not show. as long as no one knows how Broken I am, I will be Strong.

87 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 18, 2012 at 1:28pm

Cammie-
No one wants you to suffer? And who is telling you that you shouldn't be alive? whoever they are Joel and I will beat the crap out of. Cammie, no one wants you to suffer. NO you don't have to be like this. NO you don't have to take other peoples crap and NO one wants you dead and NO why would you be there to tell these people they are beautiful when they are so mean? Cammie, who are you taking about when you say they? And you can't hide forever. I'm sorry if you regret telling me, but now that you have Joel and I and everyone else on this blog here, telling you you deserve better, that you deserve help. There is nothing else you can do but let us help you. I'm not sure what you were expecting but you have a group of fighters behind you who will not let you take this fight alone. We are going to fight, and the fist part of overcoming this is getting help. Not hiding from it.

88 | Left by Ken D. | Feb. 18, 2012 at 5:38pm

Cammie please let us help you. We just want what's best for you. I let Kendall help me. I might be a hypocrite but that doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to me. It kills me inside to know that you're not going to get help. I needed help and Kendall helped me see that. Let her help you. Let US help you.

89 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 18, 2012 at 7:24pm

Kendall--
I AM getting help. and don't kill Joe or Paige. and she needs someone to tell her that she's beautiful. I am still Broken, but I am healing it slowly, or at least hiding it well, and I am being Strong. And Joel, it kills me knowing that you don't believe that you are all of those things too. I am not hiding. It took all of my strength to tell just one person, and I am getting help. just give me a few weeks and I will show you. And I do regret telling you because I trusted you with my worst secret, and you are going to tell everyone. And I am not suffering. I am fine, thank you very much. I am getting help tomorrow and I am going to be fine. Just as long as you keep my secret from everyone else.
Please, just a two more weeks.
Then I can be Strong.

90 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 18, 2012 at 7:40pm

They is everyone else except for you two, especially Paige and Joe and all those peoples who hate me.

91 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 18, 2012 at 7:55pm

who hates you? And Im sad you have such lack of faith in me.

92 | Left by Ken D. | Feb. 19, 2012 at 3:30pm

Cammie I don't know anyone that actually hates you. I know I'm stubborn but that doesn't mean you have to be. You ARE good enough Cammie. You're good enough for me. You are more

93 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 19, 2012 at 3:43pm

Kendall, of course I lack faith in you because you are going to tell even though I don't need it and I trusted taht you wouldn't. This is why I don't trust people. Because they are always going to let you down. Joel, You are stubborn and it often makes me want to smack you. But you don't realize that nobody hates you either and that you are amazing and that you are more.

94 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 19, 2012 at 4:55pm

Cammie I'm never going to let you down and I know Kendall is just trying to do what she thinks is best. People DO hate me and I am nothing. YOU however, are perfect just how you are.

95 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 19, 2012 at 5:16pm

Joe L.--
STOP SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT!!!
you are amazing and perfect and loved and you are so much more than you realize. Don't ever think that you are hated or alone because I am here, and so is Kendall and everyone else on the blog here.
I feel so bad for lying to my friends, to my friends like Kendall who are just trying to help me. But there is nothing else I can do. If I let them know the truth then Everything I have worked so hard to cover up will be exposed and then I don't know what I will do, I might not make it out alive.
I am so afraid that the walls will fall down after I worked so hard to build them up. . .
They are cracking slowly with every day that you two know, and I can't do anything about it.
I can't do anything anymore. I am so Broken.
I just want to disappear.

96 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 19, 2012 at 5:30pm

The LOST get found.
DON'T GIVE UP ON ME.
DON'T GIVE UP ON ME YET.
I NEED YOU.
DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.
DON'T GIVE UP ON ME.
I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.
I'm not sure I can do this at all. I'm not sure how much longer I'll make it anyways. I just want it all to stop. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm good at lying. I said I'm getting help. I'm not. I can't. At least not yet. I can't do it. I am too BROKEN to continue, I just want it to end. But he gives me hope, but now I find that he's giving up? I need that strength. I need to know that I'm not alone. I need something. I need to rest, I need to breathe. life is a game, she says. I DON'T LIKE GAMES. She is going to tell when she reads this. she will freak. Kendall can't read this. She can't know how I lied to her when she trusted me. It hurts. But everything hurts. I am so BROKEN. I just want it to end. Make the BROKENness end.

97 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 19, 2012 at 6:27pm

Dear Cammie,
I read your posts and there's something I have to say. I know that you are terrified about what will happen if people find out your dark secrets, but you can't make it through life alone. I don't know whether your friends are justified or not, but my advice would be to ask for help yourself. Don't make them decide for you. Decide for yourself that you can't go on living like this because honestly you can't. I see how you've been trying to encourage people on this blog, but you can't truly help people unless you are better yourself. Last week my pastor said that mold grows in the dark. That might sound stupid or irrelevant, but that's what our secrets are like. When no one knows they fester and grow until they overtake us, but when you let people in and let God's truth shine through your darkness, it begins to fade. Just some thoughts.

98 | Left by Emily | Feb. 19, 2012 at 6:28pm

I was thinking about getting help. . . but then I was too afraid. I am trying to work towards it, but it would shatter my family's opinion of me as an intelligent, normal, and completely sane and perfect student. None of which is true, but life is a lie. You sound exactly like my friend Kendall. ANd that kind of scares me, but mostly comforts me. It lets me know that there are people out there who care and are my friends, even though I have never met them. I will try to ask for help. I am going to see a counselor tomorrow with a friend, maybe I'll reach out then. Thank you so much for all your love, support, and prayers.

99 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 19, 2012 at 7:11pm

Cammie,
I'm here.
I'll always be here.
I don't know how, and I don't know when, but it WILL get better, I promise.
You are one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out.
I understand now, and I'm with you the whole way.
EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.
I love you girl.

100 | Left by Sara | Feb. 19, 2012 at 7:19pm

Cammie you and I are gonna get through this together. Thank you for this.. You're helping me by helping yourself. We can do this together.

101 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 19, 2012 at 7:23pm

Sara I love you.
Joel-- We are both LOST. we can find our way together.
just don't give up on me now.
I hope you don't, because I am so close to giving up right now. I don;t know about anything right now. I just need something solid.
BROKEN. I still love that word, It is so true. It is me.

102 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 19, 2012 at 7:31pm

Cammie you say you are broken. You have the scar to prove it. I am lost. I have the scar to prove that. Cammie I will never give up on you. Please don't give up on yourself. I am always here for you. We're going to get through this. You will be fixed and I will be found. We can do this.

103 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 19, 2012 at 7:38pm

THEN DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!
I can't do this alone. I'm not even sure I can do this now.
But I need you. and I need you to get better. I will never give up on you. you are strong and you are bold and brave and perfect. never forget that. You will be found.
Please don't give up on me. You can't give up.

104 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 19, 2012 at 7:43pm

Cammie I'm not gonna give up on you. Not now not ever. I will always be here. You don't have to do this alone. I'm here, Sara's here, Kendall's here, and ms Johnson will be here if you talk to her. Separate we might not be able to do this but together we can.

105 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 19, 2012 at 7:49pm

Kendall's going to tell tomorrow. Please, help me. She can't tell. I know I've lied and I've been a horrible friend and person in general but I just need time and sleep.
Please make sure that she doesn't tell.
Don't give up on yourself. please, for me.
Together the lost will be found.
Together the BROKEN will be healed.
We can do this.

106 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 19, 2012 at 7:55pm

Cammie I'll tell her not to. You haven't been a bad friend or person. I understand why you lied. I won't give up on me if you don't give up on you. We WILL get through this together.

107 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 19, 2012 at 8:04pm

I am a lie. But I will never give up, as long as you don't. please make her keep my secret. Do you have middle lunch with her? That's when she is going to tell. Please help me, distract her, whatever you can do. Thank you. Let's fight together. we can Win.

108 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 19, 2012 at 8:09pm

CAMMIE!! You are not a lie! Stop! You are beautiful and funny and talented and smart and perfect! You are more! And okay I'll try to stop her for you.

109 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 19, 2012 at 8:13pm

THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!
But You are all those things and more even though I am not.
you are perfect and loved and YOU ARE MORE!!!
Never forget that when all the rest of the world seems to hate you, I love you.
And you can always count on me.
let's fight together.

110 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 19, 2012 at 8:23pm

Lets get through this together and I'll talk to ms Johnson during lunch and talk to you 8th hour okay? Are you okay with talking to her after school tomorrow or are you busy?

111 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 19, 2012 at 8:29pm

Praying for both of you! I hope all goes well.

112 | Left by Emily | Feb. 20, 2012 at 6:01am

"Falling Inside the Black" bu Skillet kinda describes how I feel right now.
I feel like I'm falling.
Fears vs. Dreams: I'm living my Fear. My Dream is to make it out of this alive.

113 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 20, 2012 at 2:36pm

Cammie I wish you would've gone to ms Johnson with me today. It helps to talk to someone

114 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 20, 2012 at 2:51pm

You didn't go to talk to someone until Kendall made you. And I don't need to talk to anyone, thankyouverymuch. I will be fine. I don't trust her, and I really don't want to see her, she will tell my parents. I will come with you if you do the talking and don't say anything that will make me want to smack you.

115 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 20, 2012 at 3:05pm

Do you want me to come too? If you guys want to go alone I understand. I don't care but someone needs to go. Help is a deffinate step in the right direction.

116 | Left by Ken D. | Feb. 20, 2012 at 4:57pm

I don't need help, or want it. Yeah, I think you should come too, KF. If I go at all. I probably won't. Sorry I ditched you, I got bored and scared and I wanted to run away but Joel wouldn't let me. I know I am a horrible person, especially since I lied to you outright when you trusted me, I don't even deserve to be alive. But thank you anyways for sticking with me. It took so much to lie to you, but I had to. I can't let anyone know. But thank you for keeping my secret and staying with me even though I don't deserve it.

117 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 20, 2012 at 6:30pm

Cammie you are not a horrible person! I know I speak for Kendall when I say we are never gonna give up on you. We will always be here for you. Please go to see ms Johnson. Do u want me too or just Kendall? Idc as long as someone is with you. You're gonna get through this. WE'RE gonna get through this. Please let us help you.

118 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 20, 2012 at 6:35pm

I DON'T NEED HELP AND I DON'T WANT HELP.
I almost went. But then I realized what it would mean. I'm not willing to risk all of that. I am not going. You should just give up. I'm not worth the time or effort and I gave up long ago. But please, just don't leave me alone.

119 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 20, 2012 at 6:43pm

Okay, I know I sound crazy and bipolar, but I just can't decide. I don't want it, but sometimes I do, and I want go get better but I don't like what I have to do to get there. I decided less than 10 minutes ago that I was going to get help, but then I realized what it would cost and I gave up.

120 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 20, 2012 at 6:45pm

Cammie remember our promise? Today in 8th hour? And what you just said? That you gave up a while ago?

121 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 20, 2012 at 6:46pm

You can't give up, I won't let you. I don't deserve to keep going. I don't want to.

122 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 20, 2012 at 6:53pm

Cammie do you think I wanna keep going? I'm doing this for you! Please stay with me... I can't lose you... And don't say that!!! YOU DESERVE TO LIVE! To be happy. Remember you are beautiful. You are perfect. YOU ARE MORE.

123 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 20, 2012 at 6:58pm

Well I can't do this without you!!
I can't lose you. You are the only thing keeping me going right now. You deserve to keep going, you deserve to be happy. That's the only reason that I'm actually seriously thinking about going to see Ms. Johnson tomorrow. I can't lose you. I need you. You are so perfect, and you can't see that. YOU ARE MORE!

124 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 20, 2012 at 7:02pm

Cammie please come with to see her. You'll feel better. It helps. It kills me inside to see you like this. It blows my mind that someone as perfect as you can hate themself so much. You are more Cammie.

125 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 20, 2012 at 7:07pm

Then how do you think that I feel? You hate yourself so much and you don't see how obviously perfect you are and you won't let me tell you otherwise. I might come. I need to find a clean shirt with long enough sleeves before that. She won't tell my family, will she?

126 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 20, 2012 at 7:10pm

I don't believe so. Unless she thinks you're an immediate threat to yourself or those around you. So I wouldnt tell her about the "broken". But if she finds out about my "lost", you're going down with me. So dont tell. You either Kendall.

127 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 20, 2012 at 7:15pm

But there's no need to tell her. Or even go to her at all. I can do this on my own. And yes, I will go down with you if she finds out about the LOST. We're in this together.

128 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 20, 2012 at 7:24pm

Cammie it'll be better to tell a professional. She knows more than me and Kendall. Kendall's great, but you don't trust her. I fail at life but you trust me.. Please talk to her. It'll help you.

129 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 20, 2012 at 7:31pm

YOU ARE NOT A FAIL!!!!!!
YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE AND YOU ARE SO PERFECT.
I trust Kendall for the most part, I just don't want her to tell my secret and I know that she has come close.
I don't trust Ms. Johnson. Why should I talk to her?
I don't need help.

130 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 20, 2012 at 7:35pm

Cammie ms Johnson is really nice and trustworthy.. I trust her. And you are perfect but you dont listen...

131 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 20, 2012 at 7:39pm

I don't want her to think of me like that depressed freshman chick. And I don't really trust anybody anymore. Except for you and Kendall and Sara. If you trust her I suppose that I should at least give her a chance.
I think I'll go see her tomorrow with you and Kendall.

132 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 20, 2012 at 8:03pm

I told her and I'm not that depressed freshman guy. I'm still me. And THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!! Lets do it after school. I'll meet you two by your lockers okay?

133 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 20, 2012 at 8:23pm

Possibly. But now it's 10:30 and we both need sleep, especially you. Now, GO TO SLEEP. please, for me. get some rest, you'll feel better and you'll be happier.
See you tomorrow, Joel.

134 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 20, 2012 at 8:28pm

I'm not tired... I'll see you tomorrow.

135 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 20, 2012 at 8:32pm

Dear Cammie and Joel,
I'm begging you to listen. You are only FRESHMEN!!! You two have your whole lives ahead of you!! Don't wait to get help. Please. Don't waste more time torturing yourself because you're believing the lies. I waited until I was a senior to get help, and I regret it. It's not worth waiting to get help. Healing is beautiful. We aren't promised tomorrow. If this was your last day on eartth, would you want to spend it alone bc you refused to get help and end up cutting again? Or would you want to spend the day carefree, experiencing the beauty around you? I know it's your decision, but I'm telling you it's soo worth overcoming the fear of what people might say to experience the freedom of breaking out of the torturous cycle. As always, I'm praying for you.

136 | Left by Emily | Feb. 21, 2012 at 5:10am

I do want to get help. I want to see the beauty again. But I'm so scared. Today Kendall and Joel tried to make me tell, and another friend saw the marks on my arm. Then people started to know that something was up. Then my friend asked if I was depressed because of a recent breakup and then proceeded to tell me that I am an obnoxious and sappy melodramatic girl and that I'm just being stupid and that I'm fine. This is why I can't tell. Because this is how people will react. They'll be like" Oh, It's not a big deal, you;re just being melodramatic and a teenager. It's just a phase, you'll get over this." And I want to get over this, but people are noticing, and I can't let them. I will get help tomorrow. I will try to be Strong.

137 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 21, 2012 at 1:58pm

Let tomorrow be your day to get help. Don't put it off any longer. Some people will judge and not understand, but I know there are people who would help you if you let them in and give them a chance.

138 | Left by Emily | Feb. 21, 2012 at 3:08pm

Tomorrow I will begin to get help. I promise. I will do this.

139 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 21, 2012 at 4:37pm

I just helped my Dad install a new TV, and Glee was on so that's what we watched. I went downstairs to do homework for a little bit, but then Dad called me up to watch Mr. Shue's speech on not giving up, not losing hope, not giving up yet. I wonder if he knows and how he found out. But right now it doesn't matter. I Will Not Give Up. I think that was God telling me to hold on, and I will.

140 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 21, 2012 at 6:33pm

Emily thank you do much for you support. And Cammie do you really mean that or is it gonna be like today and yesterday? Because I need you to get better. Cammie you can do this.

141 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 21, 2012 at 7:55pm

I want to. But I'm not sure If I can. Today was a good day, and I wanted to make it last. But tonight isn't as good. I might actually go tomorrow. But I don't really want to do anything anymore. I just spent 20 minutes staring at a wall because I realized that I just don't know anything anymore. I want to get help, I actually do. Tomorrow if I don't go, make me. please.

142 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 21, 2012 at 8:17pm

Alright Cammie. I will. And the only thing I know anymore is that I don't really know anything..

143 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 21, 2012 at 8:21pm

You know a lot more than me, Joel. Actually, you're the only thing I know is real right now.

144 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 21, 2012 at 8:26pm

I'm confused. What do u mean by that? And I really don't know much.

145 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 21, 2012 at 8:27pm

You know a lot. I'm not sure of anything right now. I just want to put everything on pause for a few minutes until I can figure everything out. But I'm not giving up tonight. Tomorrow I will get help, and this time it is not a lie. I don't know anything right now, all I feel is a big, thick cloud closing in around me. Nothing is real, it's almost like a dream, a horrible, nightmarish figment of my imagination. But you are real. You will stick by me even when I deserve to be abandoned. and I thank you for that.

146 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 21, 2012 at 8:32pm

Cammie you don't deserve to be abandoned!! And I will never abandon you okay? I promise you that. Thank you for getting help

147 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 21, 2012 at 8:35pm

Today my friend told the counselor that I cut and that I have an eating disorder, which I don't, I just wasn't hungry today. And now I don't know what to think or do. I was going to go get help today, but I had to go in to another class during resource because I've been falling behind because of all this crap. So, anyways, I was going to get help today but I wasn't going to jump right into the deep end, I was going to slowly let my self into it. I am so confused, I just want it all to stop. I won't give up, I am going to keep going no matter how badly Kendall messed things up. I will be Strong.

148 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 2:02pm

Cammie don't be mad at Kendall. She's doing what she thinks is right. She worried about you. Let us help you. Please.

149 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 3:04pm

You may hate me Cammie for what I did but I did what I thought was right. Joel and I want whats best for and if that means you having to hate me then I'll take that anyday over you getting any more hurt.

150 | Left by Ken D. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 5:02pm

Ken D. --
I will be fine. I was going to get help myself but then I had to go in to Humanities. You don't have to make up completely absurd things about me. You are getting paranoid with all this crap that's going on. You're going to mess everything up. Everything I've worked so hard to hide. You wonder why I don't trust people, but this is why. People are always going to turn around and stab you in the back when they know you are in a place where that's the last thing you need, and that's exactly what you did to me. You could have waited, but of course not. Just because you think you did me a favor doesn't mean you actually helped me. I can do it myself. Just give me a day when teachers don't want to yell at me because I'm a fail. I'm not getting hurt. I will let you help me if you just give me the chance to cooperate. I would if you'd give me the chance. I'm going to be fine.

151 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 6:59pm

Cammie you're not a fail!! And Kendalls trying to help you. I know you were going to go with me this week.. I'm sorry.

152 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:03pm

There's not much I can do now, is there?
You could have stopped her, or at least tried to.
It's all done now, so I'm just going to have to be Strong through this complete mess that she created for me.

153 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:14pm

Well sorry I can't do anything right.. We're gonna get through this together okay? She told about both of us by the way. Ms Johnson knows I cut...

154 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:21pm

I knew she would, she was saying that she would. I tried to warn you.
My arm declares that I am STRONG, though still BROKEN.

155 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:24pm

WHY?!?? Why would you do that Cammie?

156 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:29pm

please don't do anything. Why not? It's a good reminder to be what I'm not.
You question me, so I will question you. Why the LOST, then?

157 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:31pm

Because I don't know what I should do anymore. I'm just pretending i do so youll get help and you wont abandon me like you should..

158 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:38pm

I will never abandon you.
I pretend too. When you have a bad day I just pretend I want to be alive and I know what to do and that I am fine so you will keep going.
Please don't leave me.

159 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:40pm

I will never leave you no matter what. And, like it or not, I know Kendall will be too. I'll do anything to make you happy. It kills me to see you like this...

160 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:43pm

Please don't do anything to yourself, please.
Leave the LOST alone. Let it heal. please, for me.

161 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:45pm

I BEGGED you not to do anything and did you listen?

162 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:47pm

I already had before I got that message. You didn't do anything, did you? PLEASE.

163 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:48pm

Not yet. I can't stand to see you like this. It kills me inside...

164 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:51pm

Please don't do anything. If you do I will.
what about you? I die a little inside every moment that I know that you're less than happy. please, at least try to get better.

165 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:53pm

Cammie I'm beyond help. There's nothing anyone can do anymore. I'm just her to get you better.

166 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 7:57pm

No you're not. I need you. I'm just here so that you will get better. please, for me.

167 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:02pm

I'm only gonna try if you do. Okay? You need to get better too.

168 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:04pm

I'll try if you do, remember our promise?
whispers in the dark, I'll try after you show me that you are.

169 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:05pm

No you first. You deserve it more... I don't deserve to even live..

170 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:08pm

YES YOU DO.
you are so much More, you are so perfect.
If anyone doesn't deserve to live it's me, especially after all that I have done.
You first, or I'm done.
please do it, I need you.

171 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:11pm

Cammie you are so much more than me. And please, I'm pretty sure seeing you happy is the only thing that's gonna cheer me up.

172 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:16pm

You have to at least try first.
If I begin to get help, then you have to get better, or else I won't. please, for me

173 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:23pm

Alright Cammie. All I want is for you to be happy..

174 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:25pm

Then DON'T GIVE UP.
please, that will make me happy, having you with me no matter what, you can't leave me. please.

175 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:27pm

Okay Cammie I'll stay... But only for you...

176 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:33pm

Thank you. I'm not the only one who needs you. Please.

177 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:35pm

You are the only one that even wants me around.

178 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:38pm

THAT'S NOT TRUE!!!
What about Ms. Johnson and Kendall and your family and all of your other friends?
please, I need you. for me.

179 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:40pm

What other friends? But I'll be here for you okay?

180 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:43pm

you have many.
thank you. Alive, right?

181 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:44pm

I really don't and yeah I guess...

182 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:47pm

THAnk You!
Please just keep holding on, I promise that it will get better.

183 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:48pm

That's true for you too you know.

184 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:49pm

As long as you keep holding on, I will.
you are so perfect.

185 | Left by Cammie | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:51pm

Nobody is perfect Cammie. And I don't care if you're not perfect you're still good enough for me.

186 | Left by Joe L. | Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:53pm