To Write Love on Her Arms

There is a family headed west on I-10 right now...

Aug. 11, 2009 at 2:16pm

There is a family headed west on I-10 right now. This is for them...

Part of it was the place, this Canaveral condo, this house so much a home. i remember sitting with Byron in this living room five years ago, me on the couch and him on the chair across from me, me there and filled with questions, always bringing him my pain, because he would listen, because he was brilliant but more because he cared. i remember him listening for an hour, me talking through my tears... Eventually, in a quiet moment, he shared that he had some news of his own. His girlfriend Amanda was pregnant. They had been close to breaking up but now she was pregnant with his child. i remember not knowing what to say but finally asking how he felt and i remember him saying that people make mistakes but maybe God does not.

Isabella Pearl was born some months later, her middle name a picture of redemption. There was no shotgun wedding, no cheap whispered promises... only questions and patience and pain and hope. It was an uncertain season.

The wedding did eventually come, some more months later, after time apart, after time together, after all their searching. He flies to Boston, they drive to New York, he takes a knee on the Brooklyn Bridge, asks for her forever. On the same trip, he has coffee with a man he respects, a man he's met only once before. Byron talks about his life, this surprising season, the reason he's in town. After an hour together, the man says "i feel like i'm supposed to give you this." The guy hands Byron an envelope, Byron opens it two hours later at the airport. Two thousand dollars. (There are people who invest in stocks and there are people who invest in stories.)

The wedding came when they were ready, when the promise could be true, for love is a choice much more than it's magic. They moved the couch out of the living room and got married with the sliding glass door open, next to sea and under stars on a New Years Eve. i said a few words, about not knowing who i would be without his friendship. i can't remember if i said it but i hope i said that i believe in their story.

Baby Eve is born. Byron takes a job with TWLOHA, first as an assistant, soon as our Director of Operations. He shines. It's hard to tell his life from his work from his dreams. i mean that in the best way. We rent a bungalow. Interns begin to arrive. They watch football at his house. They eat dinner at his house. Baby Eden is born.

i could say other things, that we ended up on different pages for a time, that i am difficult to work for, that i am not the healthiest person. It's hard to navigate the waters of ego, pain and pride. It's hard to have a single honest relationship - easier to say "community" from a stage, easier to be busy than known. We hurt each other. We let each other down.

Some weeks go by. Weeks with silence. We're both offended. He decides it's time to move on. He quits a good job in an economy where people don't quit jobs, where people don't make choices because they believe in them, because they live one time and want to do it well...

He and i are fine now. Time has a way of putting things back where they belong. Love has a way of breaking the silence. There is a bigger story...

And so a new chapter, this family headed north and west today, to make a home in New Orleans. To give themselves to a city as it comes back to life, to raise the girls in a place filled with history and poverty and diversity, to be part of a bigger story. Byron is going back to school. His is that brilliant mind that will never stop asking questions, never stop learning. There is not a lot of money, not a certain plan. Oh and Amanda is pregnant again. ("You're kidding me" and "No way" have been common responses.)

We said goodbye last night. This is the guy who introduced me to my favorite band, the guy who taught me it was okay to ask the questions you aren't supposed to ask, to say the honest thing, to be creative. He suggested that there are things more valuable than money, that maybe people matter most. He talked about the value of a place, a good idea, something true inside a moment or a song...

It crossed my mind to play it cool. i cried about it last week, broke down in front of a room full of people - our entire team and even some strangers - it would be easier not to cry. Besides, everyone else said their goodbyes without crying. i'm 29 years old. i should have my shit together by now. i should be able to say goodbye without crying. i should be able not to need people.

Or maybe this is okay, maybe this is the way that i was made, to feel things, to say things. i don't know. i just know that i started to walk away and then i stopped. And we've been down this road enough, done enough life together, that neither one of us had to say anything.

He told me once that he believed friendship might be life's greatest gift. What an amazing thing to feel known and loved, to feel understood, to walk through life with another person. i remember that it all felt true when he said it and i know that it has stayed with me.

i eventually told him through tears that he will leave a great space, that things won't be the same, that he can't be replaced. He said the words meant a lot, because it's something we can't tell ourselves, what we mean to other people. We hope we do but it's powerful to hear it, significant to hear it.

i forget which one of us said it first but we have agreed and said for years now that there are things in life worth crying about. (We added to this list: things worth screaming about, questions worth asking, trips worth taking...) It was true last night and i suppose it's true in this moment.

i don't have a magical ending except to say that i hope you get to experience this sort of friendship, this gift that Byron talked about, this thing that's like a miracle. i hope you get to say these things and hear these things. i hope you get front row seats for a story as good as Byron and Amanda's. And part of me hopes, for you and for myself, that you get to live that sort of story.

New Orleans is a better place today.

Peace to you.

jamie

PS: New Music from our friends:

Beggars by Thrice (iTunes only)

Spain by Between the Trees

The Rising by David Hodges (iTunes only)

i am currently full-blown obsessed with these two songs:

Along the Wall by Leigh Nash

In Exile by Thrice

Posted in General, Journal by jamie tworkowski

Comments (16)

I hope one day, I get to experience the true honesty that exists in that friendship.
The true love that that has provoked in you.
It's beautiful.

Have a good one,
Dal.

1 | Left by Dally. | Aug. 11, 2009 at 5:29pm

A friendship as true as yours wih Byron is a blessing from God. Thanks for sharing Jamie.

2 | Left by Katie | Aug. 11, 2009 at 6:39pm

that was beautfiul. you have an amazing friendship and you can tell that he means the world to you. i hope that you two will always be friends. i think that you are a strong person to cry in front of a crowd of people and that you are really cool for creating an orginization and being creative and bringing people together. you're one of my role models and you have truely inspired me. thank you.

3 | Left by Karen | Aug. 11, 2009 at 7:14pm

Jamie,

I think all of this, TWLOHA, wouldn't be true, wouldn't be passionate, if you weren't the way you are. I don't think you could have helped so many people without being able to feel, and I think that is a beautiful thing. Perhaps one of the most important things that TWLOHA has taught me, and constantly reminded me of, is that we don't have to be alone. So, maybe you broke down in front of room full of people, but maybe you just taught more people how to love.

I have known some very good friendships lately. I hope that some of them might evolve into something similar to the trust you shared with Byron. Also, I hope that distance doesn't completely diminish your friendship with him. Best of luck.

Sincerely,
Patrick

4 | Left by Patrick | Aug. 11, 2009 at 7:29pm

Wow, that was beautiful..
I hope one day I will be able to look back on friendship in such a powerfull and beautiful way. (:
xo

5 | Left by Lola | Aug. 12, 2009 at 7:45am

Jamie-
Don't think bad of yourself for crying. Even at 29 things happen where tears need to fall. Most of us would actually envy your ability to cry. Don't forget that everything that you have done or that has happened to you makes you who you are today.

LOve And Hope
Brittany

6 | Left by Brittany | Aug. 12, 2009 at 10:00am

Byron and Amanda's story is beautiful. They married because they loved each other and they knew that for certain. It wasn't a "I knocked you up let's get hitched" ceremony or proposal. He knew, felt, and believed that their love would last forever. Most marry for the wrong reasons and that's why it doesn't last. Along the Wall is amazing as well, good choice.

I appreciate every thing you write, Jamie. Thanks for pouring your soul so that way some of us have some body to relate to.

7 | Left by Charissa | Aug. 13, 2009 at 12:42am

Beautiful, I sometimes find myself in Byron's shoes, and other times, I'm as honest and pure as Jamie.
Deep down we know that what really matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What really matters is helping others win. Even if it means slowing down and changing our course now and then.

"What is essential, is invisible to the eye." -St. Exupery

8 | Left by Rose... | Aug. 13, 2009 at 9:20am

I was in a relationship with a younger woman (4 years my junior) but infinitely more mature than I. When it felt ready, felt right to start a family all our own, she turned to me on a city bus and told me 'i'm leaving you'. The ring on her hand found my pocket again and I rode the last 2 and a half miles home. Alone. The last text message reads 'he was a mistake, but i'm not even sorry anymore..'. I'm in a crowd, I want to be alone. I want to lock the door. 7 months pass for me. I'm stronger. Those thoughts are few and far between. My cheeks are dry. The next text message reads 'do you have a minute for an old friend?'. I don't know if I do. She's wearing the shirt she wore the first night I saw her. She hated lying to me, but I had to know 'this was for her to face, alone. cancer is hard enough, without having to worry about those around you'. Did you wanna watch me die? I can't believe the words.. They are tangible, they just don't register.. like a gunshot.
'It's not in remission.. it's gone. and you.. i'm sorry, i lied. i know i might not deserve this, so i won't ask. i don't expect forgiveness'.
How could I not? Love isn't four letters, its a life lesson learned within the most desperate parameters. Its breaking down to build and rebuild. Its concerning for another before yourself. Its looking at someone, and not understanding why, but knowing you love them more today than you ever have before.
I know how it feels, turning inside out and missing a piece. Thank you so much for this Jamie..
From the instant I read "They moved the couch out of the living room and got married with the sliding glass door open", I knew I'd be a mess before this was over..
Sometimes though, we just cry.

9 | Left by NolanN | Aug. 13, 2009 at 6:14pm

Jamie,

this is you.

where have you been?

10 | Left by Katy | Aug. 14, 2009 at 8:09pm

Thank you. You are an amazing writer and give me hope (along with everyone involved with TWLOHA).

11 | Left by Lisa | Aug. 16, 2009 at 11:41am

i really wish that you or renee could have spoken at PurpleDoor this past weekend, i realize that you guys are busy and are trying very hard - i owe you atleast my thoughts and prayers, this organization has been a blessing in my life and others around me, thank you for taking time to simply listen

peace.love.
ben

12 | Left by ben | Aug. 16, 2009 at 6:56pm

Jamie-

I know what you mean when you say that it's hard to have a single honest relationship. I cant begin to tell you about the number of pep talks I've given myself just to get out of bed and to be a friend to those I know would do anything for me, despite my inability to remember their offers of kindness.

I met you at Bamboozle in NJ this year and it was truly fulfilling. You listened to me as I awkwardly gushed about how TWLOHA had saved and changed my life. Because of that moment I will always consider you a good friend. It is the healthy people who realize their weaknesses and their need to work on them and for that reason you should not consider yourself unhealthy or weak.

I wish you love and hugs!!
--Cheryl

13 | Left by Cheryl V | Aug. 16, 2009 at 8:19pm

reading this, it's so true. We all have our goodbyes and sometimes other people don't know the pain your going through. I always say tears are a liquid form of love(:

This was amazing.

14 | Left by Michele | Aug. 17, 2009 at 12:41pm

Yes! Beggars is quite fantastic, is it not? I'd encourage everyone to check it out (and for those feeling optimistic, while still harbouring feelings of loss or even lacking a sense of belonging, I'd also recommend In Exile).
The lyrics are so hopeful, especially in the wake of this move. I'm scared, but still so very excited. It'll be just the second time being away from family, having a friend like this to take the journey with me.. it's more than I could possibly ask for.
Thank you so much Jamie =]
<33

15 | Left by NolanN | Aug. 17, 2009 at 8:01pm

In only the last 2 days, I've had to hear about 2 suicides from my friends which have affected them personally...

Its things like that which keep me hanging on to To Write Love On Her Arms and doing my best to spread what they're all about.

16 | Left by Katie | Aug. 17, 2009 at 10:49pm

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